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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child maintenance

25 replies

Starwars7 · 16/01/2016 10:19

My ex pays through the cms. He has a new job and increase but failed to inform them last september. I have recently done so.
I have asked for additional payments for drum lessons and trips as I believe that maintenance doesn't cover these extras. I also pay for school fees for both children. He doesn't contribute and I am on a teachers salary and he is on a lawyers salary. I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 16/01/2016 10:26

Maintainence is a set percentage and covers everything. It's nice if they want to help with extras but are under no obligation too. The PWC tends to control hobbies so should evaluate if they can afford the, before letting children proceed.

Normal school trips the PWC should cover as they get the CB etc but for holiday type pnes then surely both sit down and decide if they agree on the trip and are happy to split costs before the child is informed or the school of a decision. Some prefer trips to be with parents so it's not just a cost issue.

Communication is they key, if the split was amicable then there's more scope to discuss costs etc.

Osolea · 16/01/2016 10:29

YANBU to have informed the CMS of a change in your ex's income, and YANBU to ask for extra for extra curricular activities.

But maintenance is to cover all of those things, assuming you get a fair amount, which you probably do if he's a lawyer and you can afford private school. As a parent your ex has as much right to say he doesn't want to pay for drum lessons as you have to say that you do want to pay for drum lessons. You can't just sign your dc up for whatever you want and assume your ex should have to pay, it doesn't work like that.

Andrewofgg · 16/01/2016 11:47

If you go through CMS you get CMS rates - whether they are fair or unfair. You can expect more if he pays more and if he is late in telling them about the increase you may get some arrears - but you can't ask for more, and you are BU to incur cost which you expect him to meet without getting his agreement - not just telling him - first.

HermioneJeanGranger · 16/01/2016 11:57

YANBU to inform them of a change in income, or to ask for extras occasionally.

But I'm undecided re. private school. Is that your choice, or his? If you chose to send them there and he disagreed, I think you should fork out for the fees, as he would obviously be equally happy sending them to state school. However, if he wanted to send them private, then he needs to be contributing half.

CantWaitforWarmWeather · 16/01/2016 12:14

you are BU to incur cost which you expect him to meet without getting his agreement

I agree with this. If you arrange hobbies without running it by him first, then don't be surprised if you have to pay for all of it, including equipment expenses. People probably won't agree with this, but I think whichever parent arranges the hobby should do the taking and picking up as well.
My dsd's mum arranged for her to do dancing lessons a couple of years ago, expected DP to pay towards it and all it entails, and expected him to take her on his days. A lot of the time it ended up being me having to take her instead, incurring an extra cost to me for bus fare, and then having to plan my Saturdays (and my children's Saturdays) around a hobby which she arranged. I had to put my foot down in the end.

It's just not nice to arrange something and just expect everyone else to fall in line with it.

SirBoobAlot · 16/01/2016 12:20

Did you discuss in advance with him the activities and trips, and how costs would be split? If not, you're BU I'm afraid.

As for the fact you are paying the school fees, again, was private school your decision or a joint decision?

Original poster

Starwars7 · 16/01/2016 17:07

He had agreed to pay for extras but to no avail.
School frees are mates rates as I work there but still v.expensive and eh enjoys all the benefits like watching sports fixtures, concerts etc.

OP posts:

witsender · 16/01/2016 17:08

Could your child change schools?

witsender · 16/01/2016 17:09

Sports fixtures and concerts etc take place at state school so he could still enjoy them there.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 16/01/2016 17:25

Sports and concerts happen at state schools too

If you want a private educatiom for your child, presumably as it suits you work wise to not have to pay childcare or do a school run then you have to accept you may not have enough to finance lots of trips or activities. Private school trips are usually more frequent and expensive than state.

Original poster

Starwars7 · 16/01/2016 17:27

Very true. Both are approaching the end of primary so it will be a different story soon. I am happy to pay for small trips but this one is 200 and I think bigger trips should not come out of maintenance payments. He pays just over 300 for 2 children pm.

OP posts:

MultishirkingAgain · 16/01/2016 17:35

So he's on a lawyer's salary and pays less than £40 per week for each of his children? And doesn't contribute to extras? Either he or the CMS is taking the pee.

I am getting sick of these so-called fathers who shirk responsibility for their children. I don't suppose anyone forces them at gun point to have sex.

Lurkedforever1 · 16/01/2016 17:40

Yanbu re income increase. Also Yanbu to think maintenance levels are a joke, or that a nrp should want their children to have things they can afford, above and beyond cms levels. But Yabu if you think the cms will chase up levels above and beyond their low legal obligation

browneyedgirl1974 · 16/01/2016 18:30

300 pm for 2dc on a lawyers salary can't be right.

HermioneJeanGranger · 16/01/2016 18:33

Only 300 a month? DP pays slightly more than that and only earns just under 15k. Either CMS have gotten it wrong, he's lying about his salary or he earns FAR less than you think.

If CMS have genuinely decided he can only afford £300/month, he can't afford to contribute to private school fees!

tootiredtoknow · 17/01/2016 08:27

I also pay for school fees for both children

No you don't though do you.

He tops up your salary with £300 extra and it comes out of that joint pot. Additionally if he's only paying £40 a week there is either something seriously wrong or he earns far less than you believe he does.

Why are CMS involved? Why don't you allow him to direct pay?

Alisvolatpropiis · 17/01/2016 08:39

By lawyer do you mean solicitor, or paralegal? If the latter he could easily be earning only about 15k-17k

tootiredtoknow · 17/01/2016 08:42

Or they have joint custody of the children and they are spending several nights a week at their fathers.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 17/01/2016 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Starwars7 · 17/01/2016 15:14

Yes, he is a solicitor. I am the primary carer. He has them once a week, every other weekend and half school holidays. Apporox 165 nights a yr. wrong assumption re salary in independent sector. Many of my friends work in state sector and are paid more. The demands in both sectors are different and this wasn't what the original post was about. I struggle to comprehend why , when agreed, these extras haven't been paid for and I do not agree hat school fees, big school trips ( agreed) should come under regular maintenance. Is there somewhere in the cms which clearly states what maintenance entails?

OP posts:

Katenka · 17/01/2016 16:05

As far as I am aware CMS do a set percentage of his salary. Taking into account how much the NRP has the children.

They don't deduct extras like trips, hobbies. It's all included in that monthly payment.

cannotlogin · 17/01/2016 16:13

are you divorced? it is possible to get court orders for school fees, although I've only ever heard of them in the context of divorce. It might be something to look into, however.

As for trips etc. I am afraid that legally, he doesn't have to pay more than the CSA calculation. It does sound like he's paying less than he should - it would be worth looking at the paperwork and seeing if his weekly income (which is what they put on the paperwork) adds up to the salary you think he should be getting. However, if he's a partner or in some way self-employed, he will be able to manipulate his earnings - if this is the case, you can expect £5 or less at the point he realises he can achieve that.

As to why he does it even if you have agreed it between you, it's a very simple control mechanism. You will find life easier if you stop relying on him to do the decent thing or what he has said he will do. Cut your cloth accordingly and accept this may mean the children don't do activities you would prefer they did as a result. If you are able to manage without having to fall back on him, you take away his control. You will also find it easier if you can accept that what is moral in terms of children, separation and divorce isn't necessarily legal.

littleleftie · 17/01/2016 16:22

£300 doesn't sound right at all.

Do you mean £300 for each child OP? Otherwise you are saying he is a solicitor who earns approx £22k salary. Or has he now been downgraded from Lawyer, to solicitor, to legal assistant?

Average salary for UK solicitor is £34k

Either way, child maintenance is supposed to cover all expenses, so although YANBU in asking for him, nicely, to pay half for school trips etc, there is bugger all you can do if he says no.

HermioneJeanGranger · 17/01/2016 16:24

CMS payments are supposed to cover everything. He only has to pay extra when he has the children (clothes, bedding etc. for his house, plus trips he takes them on).

If you can't afford private school, then you need to send them to state school. I think you can only demand half of school fees in a divorce settlement-type situation.

DeoGratias · 17/01/2016 17:00

Do you have a court sealed consent or order or court order on finances which sets out who pays what? If so what does it say? Ours says I (lawyer) pay school and university fees for 5 children (not my ex - teacher - who doesn't pay a penny of anything and never has or sees them). I earn 10x what he does.

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