...about teenage DS's day off school or is ExH?

[EllenJanethickerknickers]

My DS1 is 18, a straight A sixth former (hopefully) because he is self motivated and hard working. He spends EOW Thurs after school to Sun evening with exH and his new wife with his brothers, 16 and 13 and new wife's DS, 12.

Today he missed school for the first time in years, he's hardly ever off sick and we don't do term time holidays. He arranged to go up to London with a friend to see a band. This is very new territory for him, he is pretty much a stay at home geeky lad except for Explorer Scout events and has never been to a festival etc.

He told me about this trip before Christmas, but as it was on a weekend he's at his dad's I said he'd have to discuss it with him. I reminded him this week to make sure he or his dad informed school he'd be away. Otherwise, I was quite happy for him to go. I didn't think one day was a big deal and thought the experience would be good for his social development. The friend he's going with us also very hard working and they'd organised a travelodge near the venue to stay in tonight. (Very rock and roll! )

I've received an email from his dad who is very unhappy that he has skipped school, and equally unhappy that I haven't informed him about it and appear to approve. Apparently DS1 only told him last week about the trip and had said he was leaving after school. ExH found out this morning it was a whole day trip and that I already knew about it.

Trouble is we parent differently. I trust my DS1 pretty much to do the right thing. He is a well behaved lad apart from normal teenage sarcasm and is after all, an adult. ExH has become a very strict parent since he left us, maybe under the influence of his new wife and her much younger DS. Until recently DS1 has a 10 o'clock bedtime at his dad's and isn't allowed to have friends back unless exH is there etc.

I first met exH when we were 18 and we both had much more freedom than DS1 does. I had a Mini age 18 and drove groups of friends all over the place. We went to the pub every Friday and Saturday evening, both lost our virginity at 17 (not to each other!) and yet we both managed to go to university in the 1980s and get good jobs. In fact, I was much more of a goody goody than exH, who used to drink to excess regularly. I think he's forgotten how old DS1 is and still sees him as the 13 yo he was when he left.

So, AIBU not to discourage DS1 to let his hair down for one day? Is exH BU to expect me to inform him of DS1's plans, when DS1 as an adult, is perfectly capable of informing him, himself? Or do we both just have to accept that we have different parenting styles and standards?

I also don't want my DC to get jobs while at school so they can concentrate on school work. They'll have to at university though. Perhaps you can text or email your ex closer to your DS starting university if your ex has made no sign of contributing and say I hope you're going to make an allowance for DS1 and the others so they don't leave with horrendous debt - tell him it's what parents have to do now more than ever. I don't know what else you can do.

I worked out the other day I've had the equivalent of £5 a week for my two off my ex over the years. Utter crap. He's says he'll help them with university but we'll see. Feel sorry for my kids. Anyway. Hope your DS has a great time seeing his band.

Aren't teachers precious, the odd A-level lesson (not missed - just you weren't there) doesn't matter a bit. Anyone in a job where their lack of presence for a day causes disaster should be fired at the first opportunity. What do you think would happen if you were sick or dead?

Plenty of MNers whine about teachers being off sick/on maternity leave/on strike, and yet it's fine for kids to take time off for something as unimportant as a gig (which also happens at weekends and in school holidays)

The double standards are frustrating!

Thank you all for your responses. I feel I've learnt a lot from MN, it helped me through my break up and divorce and the SN board was my home for years. It has helped me to encourage my DSs to have a relationship with their dad when I just wanted him to be as hurt as I was and for the boys to hate him.

I know this is probably a storm in a teacup, but my ex still has the power to upset me 4 1/2 years down the line. He thinks DS1 taking a day off to see a band is unacceptable, but given DS1's record, I don't. And that's all.

Totally agree Evil
I would not have encouraged, or even allowed him to go to the gig, there must be a date elsewhere at the weekend, bearing in mind he had to travel for this one.
I have seen plenty of students like him fucj it up on the home straight because they thought they were there.
My year 13s are covering pretty challenging stuff atm, unlikley i will ever have time to revisit it. Better hope he can understand it by himself or it doesn't come up as a major question.

Also three days grace is awesome. Perfectly acceptable reason to skip school. If it was Bieber I'd say he was being very unreasonable and you'd failed as a parent

I think you need to detach from being accountable to your DH for DS1. Any texts or emails just repeat ad nauseum - he's 18, it's between the two of you now, he's not ours to control - advise yes but dictate to no - so any problems are between the two of you to sort out, I'm not here to parent him the way you want him parented, he's too old for parenting in this respect. For god's sake, all your exDH had to say was if you're sure you're on top of things go and have a good time. It's not a big deal. Ignore him Ellen. Don't let him get to you. You've done a great job by the sounds of it.

EvilTwins, I work in a school. I know that one day in 4 years is unimportant in the grand scheme of things. If it's fine for students to miss lessons for in school cookery competitions, house sports, music lessons etc and for staff to be covered for interviews, training courses, learning walks, etc then I'm not going to worry.

I'm with his Dad that I would not have approved of him going on a school day and I'd have made that very clear. Straight A*s or not, they need every single lesson at this stage as the courses are so heavy and hard to fit into the hours as it is.

Having said that, your ex has no right to be upset with you. Your DS is legally an adult, so the choice to go was his. He can take advice from who he likes - his mum, his dad, friends, school - and choose who to listen to and who to ignore. It's not for you to have to take the blame - exH needs to take these sorts of things up with your DS and him alone.

BTW, all you sixth form teachers who feel one day off is going to cause huge problems. My DS1 last year did computing AS level. His teacher was asked to leave at October half term because he was not a successful teacher. (Just awful.) The class taught itself until Christmas. They then had a temporary teacher for 6 weeks until Feb half term who gave them work to be getting on with. They had no teacher again until Easter when the new permanent teacher arrived. DS1 got over 95% UMS for his AS level. Now tell me he can't catch up on one day missed lessons...

OP, I'm a teacher and in my experience the things you mention tend to happen lower down the school rather than at A level stage. A levels are extremely tightly planned IME. However, it's still not your fault or worry!

Tbh when mine were that age they wouldn't have bothered to tell me unless they needed cash or a lift or if they weren't going to be at home. I expected as much because they were adults,I'm agog that exdh thinks that bedtimes are appropriate for an 18 year old.
I'd stay out of it tbh other than reminding exxdh that ds is an adult and as such makes his own choices not only about where he goes,when and with whom but also who he discusses those plans with. It sounds like ds is a sensible hardworking young man I wouldn't be getting my knickers in a twist over one missed day at school more thinking myself very lucky that that one day appears to be the limit of any teenage strife.

I think he has made fabulous use of his time! Good on him.

On a tangent, Three Days Grace are on a European tour, I just googled them. Their next gig is on Sunday in Cologne. I guess today was the only date in the UK. But, he could have left nearer lunchtime, I guess. Would have seen less of London though.

Insanity, hi!

Ignore the whiners OP. The world won't fall apart if a straight-A student misses one day of sixth form to go and see a band.

Those of you comparing it to the teacher taking a day off need to give your head a wobble. The teacher is paid to take responsibility for the learning and achievement of the whole class. The OP's son is only responsible for himself and his own grades.

Indeed, jorah.

Um, can you still call it a gig if it's in the O2? When does it become a concert?

I say your ds had a good attendance record, great grades and I hope he enjoys his days and night out. You are totally correct that it will help his social development and I bet on his deathbed he won't be thinking.. 'i wish I went to school that day '
YANBU

He's 18, he obviously sussed his dad would say No and has heard the adage it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission. He's pushing boundaries with his Dad and is acting in a perfectly normal way for a young man of 18. It's between him and his Dad - leave them to sort it out for themselves. And tell your Ex that's what you are doing - you could be kind and remind your Ex his son is now an adult, but there again .....

"I'm not a go-between in your relationship with DS"

This is really thing. Personally I think it is good that you have good communication with your son but you certainly don't have to sort out your ex's relationship with him.

EvilTwins, you can't really go on about double standards because it's not the same. You're a teacher, employed to be there. Your students are young people just branching out and discovering what works for them. There's a whole wide world beyond school, and OP's son sounds in a great position to be discovering it.

I let my son, 13 at the time, have two days off school so we could go to download festival as three of his favourite (and mine) bands were on. I even rang in sick at school too!
He experienced his first moshpit and had a brilliant time.
He's still doing just as well at school as he was before this.
I even allowed my eldest a day off school to go to a gig. He's never forgot that as he got to meet the band in the street and was name checked by them during the gig.
Can't see the harm in it.

EvilTwins it really isn't the same thing. If I don't turn up to a lecture 200 people miss out on their education. If one of the students doesn't turn up, that one student misses out on their education. Repeated absence particularly when a student is failing is problematic. One day when a student is clearly a high achiever and conscientious to boot, really is not. To pull the OP up on this absence seems like picking on an easy target, rather than concentrating on those who do not engage with their children's education or support them in any way.

My dd asked for permission to play truant one day and I let her. Much preferred this to her feeling that she had to do it behind my back.

I let my 14 year old ds play truant before Christmas-he had been booked forages to see Star Wars at a minute past midnight on Thursday, then at the last minute, his school moved two important exams to the Thursday. So I let him have the Wednesday off to sleep and revise.

I put it to the mumsnet jury at the time and they mostly agreed with me!