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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask and dads?

16 replies

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 15/01/2016 11:24

From mixed/blended/step families, whatever the latest term is...

If you had 3 kids, with two women, would/could you treat them any differently?

Obviously, they all have different needs depending on their ages.

But could you ignore one? While spoiling the other two?

Not see one for 18 months, but take time off work every time another gets the slightest sniffle?

Buy loads of un-needed junk for two, but not give one a single penny?

Go overboard for two at Christmas, but not even send one a card?

All kids are yours, all know you. None were the result of rape or anything bad. All were wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 15/01/2016 11:49

Any. Any dads.

No dads around? Sad

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/01/2016 11:52

Not a dad but it is blatantly obvious from your post that there's a big issue with your dad/your ex partner here.

My dad is a bit like this, mainly through laziness and incompetence rather than malice.

Sanityseeker75 · 15/01/2016 11:58

My DH has a better relationship and sees his 2 from one ex and has had a complete breakdown in relations with his eldest DS.

If it as his eldest DS writing this post it would sound very much like yours. Thing is that isn't how my DH feels about his DS. His DS doesn't understand how heart breaking it is, he doesn't get that my DH doesn't know how to make it right between them because so much has happened.

More info may help but in our case my DH's DS is so bitter and jealous of the other 2 kids that it influenced every single contact he made with his dad that he made it impossible for any real contact to be maintained.

CalleighDoodle · 15/01/2016 12:01

Theres a typo in the heading that for some will make the post not obviously for men. Can you change it?

x2boys · 15/01/2016 12:06

My dh has a better relationship with oyr two than his older dd but when she was young her mother made it very difficult for him to see her he sees her now but sadly the bond just isn't strong she loves our boys though so that's a good thing everybodys situation is different .

redexpat · 15/01/2016 12:06

I know of one who has 3 by the same woman and treats them as you describe.

Original poster
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 15/01/2016 13:38

Sorry, no idea how to change title?

If anybody can, then please do? Or tell me?

Redex, that sounds even worse!

X2, yes, I guess the views of the other parents play a part too.

Sanity, I suppose everybody assumes the adults are always happy with the way things are, as they should be the ones to change things if they aren't.

OP posts:
Sanityseeker75 · 15/01/2016 13:58

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant I guess, having seen it from the other side though it can be very difficult. Not dissimilar to x2 as an NRP to a 13 yo DH was being told constantly that DS didn't want to come, was happy to tell courts etc he didn't want to. His mom just ignored all sols letters. It was a nightmare.

DS is now 21 was allowed to vote with his feet at 13 and is now a very unhappy and bitter young man - DH has always told him he can come round whenever he wants. He text his 15 YO sister to ask her to ask his dad for money a couple of moths back. Dh said he can come round and see him and would try to help him out but no, he just wants DH to pass money on.

What is your part in this - is this your dad that you are talking about?

Original poster
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 15/01/2016 14:16

Sanity

I will put my part up later. Trying to keep it neutral for now.

I just wondered if/how dads could treat children differently.

I guess mums can be the same too.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/01/2016 14:20

I will put my part up later. Trying to keep it neutral for now.

But your op isn't neutral-your dislike for dads who behave as your describe in the op is really obvious (rightly so). I agree mums might do this too but since most children stay with the mums dads have more opportunity to treat children differently when they live in different households.

RudeElf · 15/01/2016 14:23

His DS doesn't understand how heart breaking it is

Oooh i bet he does....

WeAllHaveWings · 15/01/2016 14:33

my db has a better relationship with his ex-gf's dc (not his) that stay around the corner than he does with his ex-dw dd (his) as they stay a bit further away. Its a case of out of sight out of mind.

Sanityseeker75 · 15/01/2016 15:08

Rude

No he doesn't and he can't do. HE has a 2 YO son himself that he has never seen or paid a penny towards despite both myself and his dad offering to pay sols fees etc. HE cancelled the appointments made.

So yes he is a hurt and yes he sees it from his own POV but as a parent who has made 0 attempt with his own offspring I do not believe that he can understand as a parent how heart breaking it is or he wouldn't do that to his own son surely......

ProbablyMe · 15/01/2016 15:08

I'm not a dad, but my DP has 2 DDs, 4 step DSs and he treats all of them exactly the same regardless of whether they are his or not - we are a family and that's how he sees it. We are expecting a DC between us in May and I don't expect him to be treated any differently to his siblings.

pocketsaviour · 15/01/2016 15:16

Unfortunately some mums do this as well.

My son's birth mum idolises her two youngest (who are from her current (4th) husband) and allows them to physically and verbally attack her DD, who is from her previous husband. She scapegoated my DS constantly when he (briefly) lived with her. He's from her second husband. Her oldest is from her first husband and he's the golden boy but has now moved out and wants nothing to do with her. No doubt when this marriage breaks down she will have another baby to someone new and start treating the current golden boys badly too Angry

Sorry didn't mean to ramble. It's really fucking horrible and I have no idea how parents can treat their children so unfairly.

Original poster
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 15/01/2016 15:59

Would it make any difference to my question if I was

A) the eldest (ignored) child

B) the youngest (favoured ) child

C) the mother of either child

D) the father of a favoured child

E) the father of child who is wanted but not allowed any contact from their mother?

I know I can't be the father, as a single mum, but nowhere have I said any of these parents or children were my own.

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