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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sisters bridesmaid

31 replies

Kiddiewinks2008 · 14/01/2016 14:21

My sister is getting married next year and has asked her best friend and my DD to be bridesmaid. Am 43 so too old obviously (!) but we are close and I feel hurt at not being asked.
I know IABU and silly - its her day- but I feel a bit left out and upset!

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 14/01/2016 14:31

Nothing wrong with being upset, have a bit of a wallow for the next hour or two then let the upset go .

You're not left out as such, you'll be part of it when your dd tries on the dress and you'll go with your dsis when she picks her wedding dress won't you?

NotNowBono · 14/01/2016 14:36

she's not really leaving you out, though, because she's invited your DD, which means she'll be hoping you'll join in with all the dress choosing and so on - maybe she feels bridesmaids should be one adult best friend to help with the essentials, plus cute children?

She's probably doing you a discreet favour by sparing you the unflattering bridesmaid dress and leaving you to choose something that actually suits you!

MrsHathaway · 14/01/2016 15:06

Maybe you could offer to do a reading?

I'd feel a bit ridiculous being a bridesmaid now (thirties) but you could read something meaningful to you both in a lovely dress you choose together. And I agree with pps that you'll be a big part of the bridesmaid thing with DD.

honeysucklejasmine · 14/01/2016 15:14

I didn't have my dsis as a bridesmaid technically. Her daughters were flower girls, and as youngest was about 7 months she carried her down the aisle. And therefore had a same dress (diff colour) to bridesmaids, and a flower corsage bracelet thing rather than bouquet (as she'd have no hands free). And she did a reading in the ceremony. So it ended up her kind of being a sort of maid of honour ish role.

So don't lose hope. You'll probably be very involved anyway!

Stickerrocks · 14/01/2016 15:22

When my brother got married his wife asked her sister and two nieces to be her bridesmaids. I didn't want to have to dress up, but I was hurt not to be asked, so I can sympathise with you. However, the most upsetting thing was when the photographer didn't seem to know I existed, so we have no photos of me, my parents, DB & DSiL. Make sure you ask for some special family shots to be taken on the day.

Cavaradossi · 14/01/2016 15:31

Stickerrocks, would you really have expected your SiL to have you as bridesmaid, though? In my experience, it would be really unusual to ask your SiL-to-be unless you were close friends apart entirely from her relationship with your brother? Bridesmaids are always the brides' friends and/or family rather than ILs, as far as I'm aware... Or is it a British thing?

GloGirl · 14/01/2016 15:41

Yabu, bridesmaids are expensive and she would probably want to match bridesmaids with groomsmen, also expensive. If she had 3 bridesmaids that didn't include you I'd understand you big more upset. I guess she knows you will be there with DD so still have a big part to play. Id be glad she asked my DD.

G1veMeStrength · 14/01/2016 15:45

Neither of my SILs asked me to be their bridesmaid and nor did I ask the one SIL I had when I got married. I think it would have been rather odd or awkward.

Only1scoop · 14/01/2016 15:45

Yabu

Also

How refreshing to hear someone having just two

Rather than the normal tacky entourage of 8 plus you read about on here.

diddl · 14/01/2016 15:48

I'm stunned that someone would think that they might be their SILs bridesmaid!

I have one sister-she has never married

MoMoTy · 14/01/2016 15:50

Why would you expect to be bridesmaid to your sil?

I think including your dd was including you as well.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/01/2016 15:56

It's the OP's Sister not SIL

diddl · 14/01/2016 16:01

If you feel you are too old, why are you bothered?

Did you just want to be asked & to say no?

MNetter15 · 14/01/2016 16:03

I'd be touched if my sister asked my dd to be her bridesmaid. Look, just try and let it go. I think with weddings, there will always be issues that will hurt and offend people, but we all do things differently and this is her choice.

Maybe you'll end up being relieved it's not you, when you see her plans

LaContessaDiPlump · 14/01/2016 16:13

Maybe your sister has another role in mind for you op?

By the way, when I was planning my first wedding I wanted my DSis and my STB-DSIL to be bridesmaids - it would have felt very rude to me to exclude her!

JapanNextYear · 14/01/2016 16:22

I'm worried now that my sister wanted to be my bridesmaid! She's 10 years older than me, I got married at 40 - and she had 4 kids and I asked the 20 year old daughter to be my bridesmaid.

All that time my sister could have been sad.....

Stickerrocks · 14/01/2016 16:26

I was sympathising with OP. I had no intention of ever being a bridesmaid & even avoided having them like the plague at my own wedding. This was a long time ago and I know at the time I thought it would have been nice to have been included somewhere in the wedding as my DB & I are very close, even if it was just in some family photos. OP I completely get that you feel hurt, but I think your sister probably thinks that by asking your DD she's indirectly asked you.

Stickerrocks · 14/01/2016 16:33

Bridesmaids are like godparents in my book. Always ask family members, so you don't have that awkward moment explaining to your children/grandchildren who the random stranger is in the photos who you haven't seen for donkey's years.

NotNowBono · 14/01/2016 16:37

Kind of off the point but when I was growing up, in the 80s, there were Rules about these things:

bridesmaids = junior cousins under 14, shiny unflattering frock + bow
chief bridesmaid = most responsible cousin/younger sister, under 25, more flattering frock, big hair
maid of honour = married friend/older sister, 25+, very flattering dress with jacket, hat

Once you'd been down that aisle yourself, your bridesmaid days were ov-ah.

Stickerrocks · 14/01/2016 16:40

notnow was the bow on the bum,like Princess Di's bridesmaids in 1982 or in their hair? I remember those days!

NotNowBono · 14/01/2016 16:43

Both. And two on the flat shoes too. Bows everywhere. If a very posh wedding, then the Labrador would also be sporting a bow too, in the same colours as the ushers. ALL SHINY.

Stickerrocks · 14/01/2016 16:58

The suits were silver grey from Burtons or Fosters worn with a wing collar shirt and a lavender tie!

Just taken a trawl through some old wedding photos. Various SILs of the brides feature prominently in fuschia, primrose or mauve meringues with seriously big poofed hair. Maybe it was a generational thing.

IssyStark · 14/01/2016 17:10

I asked my bf and my sister and stb-sil to be my bridesmaids. I don't think asking sil is that unusual, it partly depends on how big the family is, are their kids involved. I had all adult bum not through choice but just because there were no kids in the family not had any good friends produced by then. Likewise I'd expect any brothers of the bride to be offered the chance to be an usher.

OP - I can understand you're upset not to be asked to be a matron of honour but maybe your sis is thinking of something else. Have a wallow then let it go.

HesterShaw · 14/01/2016 17:16

You'll just have to suck it up OP even though it's disappointing I know. I had my DS as my one bridesmaid but when she got married she had a couple of friends and not me. Now that was disappointing. I was asked to sign the register big deal :o

HesterShaw · 14/01/2016 17:18

That'll be DSis rather than DS. That would have been weird.

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