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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that you tell close family first?

58 replies

Yambabe · 13/01/2016 21:45

Sitting here looking at my facebook and I'm starting to see DSS and his GF getting tagged in congrats posts on my newsfeed. Mostly from his mates but also our DNiece has just chipped in.

Appears that our DGD may have been born at some point today but neither DH or I have had a text or call from DSS. There is no backstory, we are close.

AIBU to be a bit hurt?

OP posts:

LastOneDancing · 13/01/2016 22:52

I'm that complaining fecker shazza
Found out my GM had died after my cousin just couldnt wait to share the news on FB. Didn't even give it 30 minutes. It was horrible.

My Dad wanted to tell me in person, but clearly that was a ridiculous idea or as Viola points out, a problem with my family.

MadameJosephine · 13/01/2016 22:54

If his phone is off how do you know they haven't rung or text him to tell him?

Herrerarerra · 13/01/2016 23:00

YANBU! I understand that sometimes people get carried away with Facebook and post things they shouldn't but the fact is that he still hasn't called you?
Facebook wasn't around when my boys were born but the first people we called were both sets of parents once we were all cleaned up and sitting there with a cuppa. Even if his battery is flat then surely there'll be a pay phone on the ward or someone who would lend him a mobile to make a quick call! I don't think there's any excuse.

SnozzberryMincePie · 13/01/2016 23:05

I had dc1 in the early hours and didn't call family till around midday. I was a bit too shellshocked to call anyone before that. As pp have said word can unexpectedly get out and your dss and family may be sleeping it off blissfully unaware that it is all over Facebook.

Original poster

Yambabe · 13/01/2016 23:06

Madame, DSS's phone was off when I tried to ring him.

OP posts:

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 13/01/2016 23:07

I would have been really pissed off if, in the first bubble of our dc being born, my ex went off to find a payphone, get change, or beg for a strangers phone to let people know.

It really doesn't matter who finds out first when it is happy news. It won't make any difference in the long run at all.

awkwardas78 · 13/01/2016 23:08

I can understand your hurt but be sure to be aware of all the circumstances before you complain to them. The first 24 hours of a birth are often very chaotic and in the age of social media it is hard for birth announcements to be made by the parents in the way they want them to be. I had to go into theatre after my birth but luckily dh was able to get a brief signal on his phone in order tell my parents and Inlaws before it went on social media but I was lucky - I know others have their announcements completely hijacked. Give them the benefit of the doubt until you know otherwise. Congratulations on being a grandma!!

Doodlekitty · 13/01/2016 23:10

Yanbu.

I very nearly found out my dad had died via fb. I was on holiday when it happened and my mam was trying to get in touch with me. Meanwhile my niece put on fb how sad she was about grandad dying. Luckily dsis saw it and got it deleted straight away. I think it would have killed me (like it wasn't bad enough!)

Original poster

Yambabe · 13/01/2016 23:10

I'm not going to complain! (Hence mentioning it on here to get it off my chest)

Can't wait to meet new DGD even if I don't officially know that she's here yet.....

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 13/01/2016 23:10

I don't like FB much but it's hear to stay apparently. And if people want to announce things on it that's up to them. I don't think there's any point in getting annoyed that somebody else knew before you because they wouldn't have if you'd checked FB as well.

Swirlingasong · 13/01/2016 23:22

It's not necessarily a generational thing. Happened to us with dc2. We rang my mum quickly after the birth as the last thing she'd seen was her daughter in screaming agony as she arrived to look after dc1 so seemed fair to put her out of her misery. Also phoned dh's parents as would not have been politic to have told my mum and not his. Then we sat back to enjoy our little new baby bubble for a few hours in the knowledge that other close family would be fine with this. Meanwhile FiL immediately rang his elderly aunt with whom we are friendly but not close. She is on Facebook just to see family photos but has no real idea how it works, who can see what etc. She immediately posted congrats on my wall for all to see. She was just trying to do a nice thing, but I was mortified that my siblings could have found out via a distant relative of dh's. Is it possible you fall into the category of people who are close but kind and understanding enough to realise how lovely it is to have a few hours of just you and the baby without the outside world? Congrats on becoming grandparents anyway!

awkwardas78 · 13/01/2016 23:23

That's ok Yambabe that's what we are here for!! I wanted my mum to be the first one to know when I went into labour. However, my dd arrived very very quickly in the middle of the night and dh had to leave his night shift very abruptly so the only person who knew was Dh's boss and work colleagues!!!

Nothing is ever done perfectly so you just have to let these things go because in the grand scheme of things they won't matter. Hope you enjoy your first cuddles!! That's one thing Facebook can't ever spoil!!

ChicagoMD · 13/01/2016 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 13/01/2016 23:28

I would be hurt / upset at it too, but they obviously know some thoughtless people, so you just have to suck it up and arrange to go meet this little bundle of loveliness and not give it another moments thought.

MiddleClassProblem · 13/01/2016 23:28

I genuinely think it's one of the rudest things to do, post about someone else's news on FB without their consent. Babies, engagements etc are exciting to announce and get a gazillion likes on one post then look at time hop 3 years later and see how many people wished you well all in one place

awkwardas78 · 13/01/2016 23:29

Oh ChicagoMD that is awful.

SaggingTits · 13/01/2016 23:31

Not unreasonable at all. Probably not intentional though, one person knows/puts it on fb then everyone knows. For this exact reason we text all our close friends and family at the same time, and I asked people not to post pictures of ds on FB for a few days. Didn't want my close friends to see my new baby at the same time as people I hadn't seen seen for 10years. Tricky though and one of the downfalls of facebook

PurpleTraitor · 13/01/2016 23:38

It is threads like this that make me happy I decided not to tell anyone at all until I felt up to telling the whole world.

So we did about six hours of baby snuggling before phone calls and face booking happened pretty much simultaneously.

I got to tell everyone myself (not delegating to DH) which is exactly what I wanted.

FB didn't exist when I had my first. Makes me feel old.

skankingpiglet · 13/01/2016 23:42

People just love to tell other's your news and social media has just exacerbated it and ensured it really does spoil the moment for you. I've had someone find out I had gotten engaged, I told him it was still secret and we hadn't announced it yet. It didn't stop him telling one of my closest friends later that day who then called me excited but somewhat hurt I hadn't told her. I've also had a friend I'd confided in that I was pregnant with DC2 only for her to tell every mutual mum friend we have. They were too polite to let on they knew, so she announced it out loud at a playgroup we were all at that 'oh I've told them you're pregnant' The other mums all went red and uncomfortable, I went red and grumpy. I was only around 7wks, it was far too early for everyone to know. How did she think that was ok? Besides, who steals that thunder from someone?! I will never trust her with anything else again.
Sorry, rant over
OP, it's very, very likely someone else has taken it upon themselves to break the news.

RubbleBubble00 · 13/01/2016 23:44

I'd be completely cross and upset by ex wife obviously being told but not his dad though as you say wouldn't say anything

YesICanHearYouClemFandango · 13/01/2016 23:48

My BIL announced the birth of my son on FB, tagging me and DP, while I was still in theatre being sewn up after my EMCS.

DP had sent texts to my sister and his sister, in order for them to spread the word (to family!) that all was well. BIL, however, decided to immediately post about it on FB. So it was quite possibly on FB before most of my immediate family knew. Luckily, I don't think any of them found out this way, but they would have done if they'd logged into FB. Could that be what has happened here?

A lot of my extended family and friends didn't even know I was pregnant prior to BIL's announcement. (I had a complicated pregnancy, and 5 years of infertility prior to this pregnancy). I hadn't posted anything about it on FB at all.

At the time, I thought it was pretty rude, but I was in my newborn love bubble so I just brushed it off - I was so thrilled to finally have a baby that I wasn't going to let him spoil it for me by "stealing" my birth announcement. Thinking about it now though, I'm really pissed off!

Starbores · 13/01/2016 23:56

Yanbu. We told our parents first who told our extended families for us. I texted close friends and put it on facebook the next day...I changed my settings so nobody could write on my wall or tag me in a post.

nextusername · 14/01/2016 00:09

YANBU. Facebook often enables people to behave in strange and impolite ways, this being one of them.

Mairzydoatsanddozeydoats · 14/01/2016 00:40

My husband died quite unexpectedly and traumatically at work- I managed to tell my two sons but could not get hold of my eldest who was working abroad- I was dreading him finding it out on facebook either from my husbands work colleagues or one of my nephews and nieces. Luckily one of my other sons managed to phone him as he landed back in the country but in a really horrendous day for me it was another worry.

juststeppedoutofasalon · 14/01/2016 00:50

congratulations Grandma! She may have had a hundred likes but you'll give her a thousand cuddles.

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