To want to know DH's plan for paying off his credit card?

[YouCantCallMeBetty]

DH and I each have a personal credit card and we also share one. I manage our joint finances as well as our own as DH is in the military so it makes sense for me to know what's going on while he's away. He earns more than me so contributes proportionally more to our joint pot, he also has more personal 'spends' than I do. I tried to talk to him about money at the weekend as I'm pregnant & think we ought to rejig the budget a bit to plan for baby stuff/my mat leave.
He has been putting more stuff on his personal card over Christmas so I asked him what his plan is for paying it off (have both agreed we will get rid of personal cards). He wouldn't tell me & got a bit defensive saying it's the only thing he "gets" to manage so I should just trust him to do it. Last time we had this conversation he piled more debt onto a card that he'd promised he would close.
Am I being horribly controlling by wanting to know or is reasonable to ask him to share his plan?

Not in my view, but I'm sure someone wull come along to say otherwise.

Depends. Has he gotten into unmanageable debt before? Is he unreliable with money?

Roughly how much debt are we talking? If under £2k I'd leave him alone

I'm fairly sure it's under 2K but I don't know what his limit is or how much is on there.
He does tend to be a bit spend first, think later rather than really unreliable but has always had debt in the time we've been together (as I have I).
I think maybe a bit of anxiety about getting ready for the baby has meant I've been a bit tough on him. We had a fairly tough time while I was on mat leave last time round when we were pretty on our uppers and I'm trying hard to make sure we're in a better position this time.

YANBU to want transparency about household finances, and to be able to review household spending/budget with your partner.

However, HINBU to want a degree of of financial autonomy, and it sounds as if he felt picked on/as if that were being threatened.

Was the conversation that you started along the lines of "you know you already get more spends than me, well, I'm about to give up work and also need to buy baby things, so you should henceforth give me an additional large chunk of the money that you currently have left-over after contributing much of your income to the household whilst you are away'? (This would be entirely reasonable in principle, but perhaps rubbed him up the wrong way as an opener?)

I think it depends how you have always organised your finances as a couple. Dh and I have maintained separate but joint finances for nearly 20 years. We have our own accounts as well as a joint one. We have our own credit cards. I have made the payment on mine for years whilst being unable to clear the balance. Fairly recently I rejigged my finances to pay it off and am now clearing that . If dh had EVER asked me how I proposed to do it or criticised me in any way for this I would have been impossibly hurt tbh. We have a joint responsibility to manage our finances and keep a roof over our kids. We don't have any right to hold each other to our own standards or criticise each other's decisions. Be careful with this OP.

I would approach it nor along the lines of 'I'm really worried about money when the baby arrives. Could we go over our finances and budget some stuff so I can relax a bit'

Personally, I think you have a right to know about anything which has the potential to impact on you personally. You are about to go on mat leave and yanu to want to know how he plans to cover the additional costs.

I would be worried by the lack of transparency. Don't go down the route of thinking that it is your responsibility alone to finance the baby stuff or make up the shortfall in income - the baby is as much his responsibility as yours.

Yab utterly unreasonable unless he has given you cause to think he is financially incompetent which it doesn't sound like he is. I wouldn't dream of demanding my dh tells me every detail of his finances and I'd seriously divorce him if he demanded to know mines and my personal payments.

We trust each other to be adults, cover household finances jointly and manage our personal money appropriately. I would not want to be married to someone where I felt it was necessary to micromanage their finances.

your income is about to reduce and your expenses to go up. Your finances should be transparent to each other.

not every last small purchase, but if he's racking up debt it ain't good. Especially as he's done it before.

I can see both your points of view. It's a tricky one. Maybe set a mutually agreeable goal for a date to have paid off, say, 25% of your card debt each, and reevaluate then.

Why does he have more spending money than you?

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your views. I honestly hadn't realised how offensive it might be to ask him as I happily share my plans with him. I'll do some backtracking and try to make the conversation more baby focussed rather than me seeming to be undermining his autonomy. I did try to do that to start with, hadn't suggested he put more in the joint pot, only got as far as asking whether he thought we should pool all our CC debt on a 0% card when things kicked off. Will tread more carefully next time!

Also, he has more spends because he has a more expensive commute than me and because he lives away from home during the week so has mess accom and food to pay for.

Honestly I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. You are married. You have children. If you can't be honest with the person you are married to about your finances, that is an issue. It is not offensive to want to know how much debt your husband is in, nor is it offensive to know how he plans to pay it off. When the baby comes you will have more expense, not less, so where is the money for the repayments going to come from then ? You also state that the last time you had a conversation , he added more debt to the credit card- so you have every right to want to make sure this is not happening again. Also he is being defensive most likely because there is a problem that he doesn't want you to know about. I speak from experience... DH also in the military and I've been there and done that several times over with credit card debt issues.

anyway good luck... I hope your case is different to mine , but I suspect if he is being defensive, it's because he doesn't want you to know the details. But remember you are married and about to have another child - transparency of finances is not unreasonable and you have a right to know where the money is coming from to support you and the kids through your mat leave. Be strong and don't take any shit or let him make you feel guilty for asking.

Why are unavoidable work expenses not considered a joint expense, so you can then have equal spending money that actually is 'spending money'? It seems lose-lose to me, he probably on some level feels bitter about spending 'personal money' on work expenses even though he has more for this reason, and you both probably absorb something less than positive from the inequality on paper.

I think Yabu. He has personal spend money and I presume can use that on whatever he wants to use it on, maybe even paying off his cc debt. Just because you are married doesn't give you a right to try and manage what he does with his money.

The fact that they are married peggy, means that his finances affect the OP. Will ut still be none of her business if he racks up more debt (as previous experience indicates is likely) and the OP gets bailiffs at her door if he has no plan to pay it off?

His reluctance to share his situation, implies to me that he has no plan.

Besides which, the OP shouldn't have to behave like the 'little woman' waiting for him to solve all their problems - she has every right to be proactive and want to establish what their financial position is actually like!

Smillas that's a good question, no reason really other than we thought we'd try it this way and see how it went (quite a new arrangement). He tends to bung everything (evening drinks, coffees during the day etc) on his mess bill so this way is probably easier than trying to figure out what is a work related expense and what is personal spending.

Others, thanks for the support/opinions. I think this isn't clear cut otherwise we'd all have the same view. I will hold firm about joint planning for baby/mat leave and maybe as a pp suggested set a time for us to review again to see how budgeting/paying off debt is going but will leave DH alone to plan how he sorts out his own CC and give him time to prove me right when he hasn't paid it off
Thanks all