To ask your experience of violence

[TreeBird16]

It occurs to me today that at 34 years old I have never been hit. I have been fortunate enough to have never experienced physical violence or intimidation.

My parents made a conscious decision never to hit and stuck to it. We were never ever given a slap on the leg.

No partner has ever hit me and I have never been bullied or randomly beaten up.

I have never, nor will I ever hit my kids.

I wondering am I unusual in being fortunate in this regard?

This thread is genuinely terrifying reading, both the amount of violence and the number of posters who think it was somehow their fault :(

I wouldn't say you are lucky op I don't think you should think that at all I think it is the way it should be, others have been unlucky

very violent and mentally cruel stepfather who was sent to prison for his violence towards me (not to my mum) for 4 years - that was the maximum time then. The case along with others was used to change the law

violent ex - he wasn't at all in anyway until his brother died he completely changed his guilt made him into a different person, not an excuse he lost everything but I can forgive him

I was attacked by a girl at school over a boy he had been my best friend for years and after one date she decided she was going to change that - he finished with her that same day

never smacked by my mum or grandparents who I lived with from the age of 4

I have never smacked ds I have been tempted and that for me is really hard to deal with

I was smacked on legs/bum by parents (not beaten or anything) up until sort of teenage. I don't really see this as 'violence' though, they were just disciplining the way they were taught and I have a very good relationship with them now.

Physically bullied by boys at primary school, was punched in the face, pushed in nettles and stabbed with a pencil.

Beaten up by first proper boyfriend at the age of 15, took a knee to the face from him and had bruises on my arms from his knuckes where he hit me repeatedly, some sexual stuff too (but not rape). He would hold my face into the carpet so I couldn't breathe and twist my arms until they almost broke - he would try and get me to beg him to stop. Cut off some of my hair with a sword that he had once. He'd beat me in front of people (friends) and no one ever did anything to stop him or help me.

Slapped in the face and had my wrist smashed against a cupboard by exH (seperate incidents), also throttled and thrown to the floor in public by him. He punched holes in doors and broke things in the house.

Raped by a virtual stranger, not particularly violent but then I submitted so it wouldn't become so, obviously the mental scars from that run deep.

God it all sounds awful when written down and that's just the tip of the iceburg! Now, after a lifetime of being shat on by others I am learning to defend myself through martial arts :) My confidence is growing along with my skill. Never really experienced violence from women though, a few threats but never anything physical.

Violet
It's not you.
You described your relationship with your parents as "violent but loving" and that is the key to all of your experiences with adult relationships. You are normalising violence as something that is part and parcel of a loving relationship. It is not.

I hope you can seek help and support to get out of the current abusive relationship you are in and spend some time getting to know the real you, and set your boundaries to expect much, much higher from people you allow into your life.

Hit by my dad once when I was about 13
Regular physical fights with sibling when growing up
Punched and shoved by a random man once while walking through a city centre

I was punched once at middle school.
And an ex pushed me in front of a (slow-moving) car.

That's all the physical violence I've experienced, thankfully. My ex husband was emotionally abusive but never physically threatening.

I've never hit anyone, unless you count my sister when we were little.

These are awful!

I was hit as a child - deserved it!

I have thrown a few punches myself in self defence. In primary school I got into a few scuffles where peers enjoying teasing me as I was quiet. They did not expect me to react in the way that I did.

In secondary school a guy pulled my hair as a spiteful bully told him to. I fought him in the classroom knowing he was just following her orders. She was popular and I did not have the guts to confront her so layed into him instead.

My sister and I fought as children/teens. The last time she layed into me I chose not to fight back as the anger I felt at the time, I could have hospitalised or killed her. Best decision I think.

My ex hit me a few times and would kick me off his bed when I annoyed him. I tended to annoy him often and blamed myself for not being who he wanted me to be. I shudder at the woman I became in that relationship. The desperation, the fear, the rejection, the uncertainty. Four years too long but I now have a wonderful dh.

I am so sorry some of you have had to endure such cruelty.

Occasionally spanked as a child in the 70s.
Regularly shoved, thumped and kicked at school. I was a socially inept bully magnet who had no idea how to go under the radar. A group of girls tried to throw me down the stairs for "bragging" about a school report.
Given a black eye by my brother for losing it with him for picking on our little sister.
Regularly pushed, kicked, scratched or slapped by either of my kids, with ASD. Youngest has severe learning difficulties and goes through phases of eg being fascinated by scratches.

Good lord. What sad reading. I'm one of the few women who has never experienced physical violence, how sad that I'm in the minority. (I have been sexually abused though)

Male violence is a pandemic.

Smacked by parents a few times, not very hard (humiliating though), punched by my sisters a few times (sibling stuff as kids, not really 'violence'). But nothing I can think of since.

Sorry for everyone who's endured violence

Never.

Have a friend who was routinely hit as a child and doesn't, I don't think, realise that it really wasn't normal (well it was her normal). Hit with a rod kept for the purpose for nothing really. Staying out 5 mins later than she said she would.

I train in martial arts and have done for about 6 years. I took it up because my, then, boyfriend grabbed me and pinned up against a wall. He had followed me on a works night out. Luckily for me I wasn't invested in the relationship (wasn't even a real relationship tbh) so I ditched him immediately. But I felt so helpless I never wanted to feel like that again.

I was heartened by the fact that my work mates didn't look the other way. They all dragged him away.

Got in fights a few times as a teen.

But as an adult the incident above hasn't happened since. That said as I am a competition fighter, I am often covered in bruises. Arms, shins, chest a couple of bruises on my face.

My dad used to take his belt off and hit us across the legs with it.

My brother was a complete bastard too. He jump at any opportunity to hurt me. I think he's a psychopath.

Ive was punched, strangled and raped by the same partner when in my teens/20's. I've been pushed/shoved by a partner in my late 20's. It feels like a life time ago and it's difficult to understand how exactly it is excused.

Beaten at home. Broke bones.
Unnecessarily restrained in psych where I was after not being believed re: home situation (proven to be vindictive).
Raped and abused long-term when I first got out by a man who preyed on vulnerable young women as a team with his wife. Eventually CPS collected enough accounts to proceed with prosecution. He killed himself before trial.
Ex threatened to "give me an abortion". Hit me.
Left and never looked back. Nothing since.

hedgehogYour post really angers me reminds me of what my dad did. My dad directed his violence to my brothers thr belt was often used. He used bike chain once what human would do that? He hit my mother the most reported many times.
Funny then shestarted hitting me and it got worse as i got older.

To be honest the verbal assaults from my dad were the most damaging from primary school he was telling us "you are pathetic, you'll never be anything, you wont achieve anything" i still feel like im nothing i guess it worked

Odd smack as a child. When I was 10 a girl in my class said she wanted a fight because she didn't like my face unless I did what she told me. Said I never would and that I'd fight her in that case. She knocked ten bells out of me but I wasn't badly hurt. Wripped blouse I think. She was one of the tough bully girls. I was clever and nerdy and probably a bit spoilt. I've no idea what happens to her but have wondered what her life must have been like.

Don't remember school making much of it. My mum wouldn't have gone in. I remember she made me hot sweet tea. I was bullied and her response was always to learn to stick up for myself.

Im hoping these replies and self selecting and that hose who have never suffered violence have simply not contributed. Awful reading indeed.
I had a good childhood during the 70s with only rare, mild smacks generally deserved.
My partner of 15 years was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. If he moved quickly I would flinch, as he often hit me out of the blue. He also threatened me with a knife and forced my arm behind my back until it snapped-it has never completely mended. He would throw things at me and drive dangerously to frighten me. It was the verbal and emotional abuse that was worse in many ways though.
The irony is I was also regularly physically and verbally attacked by animal rights activists, related to my way of life, including having my car vandalised one night- yet it was my partner, who was supposed to care about me who did me the actual damage!
As a horse rider I have had many falls and injuries too touch wood nothing major.
Interesting thread. Hope you are OK Violet..

I was hardly ever told off as a child let alone smacked (gotta love hippy parents ) and I've never suffered any violence as an adult - I'm over 50. I've only ever had lovely partners

I've never hit my kids but I've done some serious nagging in my time

for everyone who has suffered violence. It must be horrible.

Usual 70s upbringing with smacking, probably a bit more enthusiastic than some but my dad never hit hard enough to bruise, more usually threw things around - enough of a threat that I never felt safe. On one occasion he attacked the family dog and broke his leg. Mum 'attacked' me once just trying to scratch and pull hair, pathetic really. Started getting into fights at junior school as I got bullied and learned to hit back. Frequently got pushed/ shoved as a teen by local lads, occasionally they'd stay to be hit back, plus defended myself against sexual groping etc. Fled the lot at 18 for Uni, since then have only been in 2 real fights, one a sexual attack, other just some nut on drugs or something. Plenty of verbal crap and the occasional groper who wouldn't stay to be hit back though. I also picked up martial arts and, while I agree with feminist theory in principle, would unfortunately recommend that for all girls and women.

They will be self selecting Redhound, the people most likely to be interested in the thread title will be those with some kind of induction into violence. I'm so sorry to read all of the stories of OTT violence, I can't imagine what it's like to live with without the hope of getting out.

I was smacked as a child. I was with my xh for 15 years and he was constantly physically and emotionally abusive. I can't list it all..... grabbed round the throat and slammed against walls, slapped, punched and kicked. I often had bruises on my face and neck, but mostly on my body. The worst was a fractured cheek bone, but several concussions.

I left him 13 years ago and absolutely nothing since. Ironically, my husband is a boxing trainer .

Spanked very very occasionally as a child - one slap on the back of the thigh or the back of the hand. Don't think it did me any harm, but who knows?

But then my dad had an accident, and lost a lot of blood, when I was in my teens and after became very violent - he never hit me but he did throw me across the room a couple of times and shake me by the neck. That was more damaging - now I get extremely nervous when my partner raises his voice (never ever at me, at say his laptop when it's playing up) as I think I'm conditioned to expect a violent explosion if there are raised voices.