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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do plans keep growing and growing - AIBU?

86 replies

romanrainsalot · 11/01/2016 10:35

Is there a reasonable amount to ask people to spend and take part in? I get that people want to celebrate "last night of freedom", but why has it become the norm to spend entire weekends or weeks?

SIL to be, already has a weekend of stuff organised, with more now being added to the original agenda (trying not to add too much detail in case out myself). Just totted up that if I say yes to everything then I'll get no change from £500. I've managed to dodge a few activities already.

I don't want to sound like a grumpy old cow or sour relations with SIL to be. I just I have a lot of complications in my life: I have a disabled DH, so he cant look after DD all weekend alone; MIL will be on hen do so she can't do childminding; DM is doing a lot of caring for grandparents, so reluctant to ask her to mind DD for longer than a few hrs; plus I'd rather spend £ on family activities and holidays. Also to add to the mix, the Hen do activities are over Easter and the wedding May bank hols so I can't take my family on holiday then as the wedding and pre-wedding activities are taking over!!!

AIBU or am I just old and past it?

OP posts:
ShowYourSeams · 11/01/2016 12:30

If it's the 'done thing' to pay for everyone's drinks all night at a wedding, why do most venues offer 'drinks packages' where each guest gets 1-3 drinks each? Why don't they offer 'X amount for an open bar' or a tab for the bride and groom to pick up? (Which they probably would on request but not a common offering in my experience)

Unless all your friends are teetotal, in which case I think a tap water open bar is perfectly reasonable.

jellypopmummy · 11/01/2016 12:30

Having the same feelings about a stag do my DH has been invited to. Luckily it looks like they have organised it when we are our family holiday, but I don't get the having to have a week long extravaganza. Boils my piss.

BadgersBum · 11/01/2016 12:31

My friends paid for me on my hen do, but it was a meal in a local Chinese restaurant, then back to the pub for the karaoke (which was on every week, not laid on specially for me!), transport was one of the husbands in his 7 seater. There were a few daft hats and old photos of me and my DH to be floating around.

I was more than happy, especially as he weren't having a Stag/Hen night, I was just ordered to be on the end of my street at a certain time!

ninared · 11/01/2016 12:35

shudders at 'drinks packages'

redjoker · 11/01/2016 12:37

shudders at 'drinks packages' Ha, I'm starting to think im being invited to all the wrong weddings!

DrDreReturns · 11/01/2016 12:38

Pay for your own drinks at a wedding???!!!!!????? I don't thinks so

I've only been to one wedding where all the drinks were free. I can't see the problem with people buying their own drinks.

I also object to big hen / stag dos. My stag do was one evening out. People forget that friends are often on tight budgets and don't want to be put in the position of refusing something due to financial pressures.

Howdoesironmanwee · 11/01/2016 12:40

Um, we paid for fizz at exemption, wine for table = to half bottle per person and drinks fod toast. Have only attended weddings with similar provision.

I'd die of lIver failure if offered a free bar Grin

ShowYourSeams · 11/01/2016 12:41

Biscuit for ninared
(and Wine so I'm not accused of being tight) Wink

steakpunararemediumwelldone · 11/01/2016 12:44

I am Shock at that t shirt!

coffeeisnectar · 11/01/2016 12:46

Having read this. And all the bridezilla threads that appear regularly I've decided that my wedding to dp is going to be me, him and the kids, my parents and sister and his sister at a registry office. I might even just have me, him and the kids.

Then a party in a pub/hall on another date. No stag/hen, no presents, no angst over clashing clothes and no drama. In fact I might suggest we all go and party in a field.

Fuck all that drama and organising. We've both been married before and I am too old for the big dress thing.

And certainly too old to go clubbing in Ibiza all weekend.

Ratbagcatbag · 11/01/2016 13:10
JustDanceAddict · 11/01/2016 14:42

It's all got very out of hand, as have a lot of 'celebrations'. I was married nearly 16 years ago and I had a hen night which consisted of a meal out, clubbing, then some girls back to mine to stay over and have more merriment. We then went out for a fry up the next day. That was it and it was great fun!! My husband had a night away (as it was same weekend) in a reasonably near seaside town and went for a meal/played football and got p*ssed.
I have stayed over one night in a hotel for a friend's hen, plus a meal, which was probably the most expensive one and I don't think it was that pricey as we all shared rooms. If you and your friends have the money to do an all-out no expenses spared do, then fine, but if not all friends are that flush, it's unfair on the ones that aren't.
Good point re people living all over, but then it still needn't be £500 for a night away/meal/activity.

Original poster
romanrainsalot · 11/01/2016 15:17

Thanks for all the comments everyone.

It has reassured me that its not just me being tight or past it Smile

My hen do was nearly 10 years ago and as I had friends coming a fair distance, one who was b/f and also older ladies in attendance (grannies etc) I had a nice lunch in a fancy café, I think the most anyone would have spent, including petrol to get there, food etc was about £20.

OP posts:
toffeeboffin · 11/01/2016 15:18

It's too much.

Last hen do I went on was a waste of time.

Paid through the nose for a night in a suite in a hotel, which we barely saw the inside of as we were out. Went out for a ridiculously over priced Italian. Then went to a few fancy bars. Few of the older ones were pouting at the price, not the right place for them at all!

Would have been better in our hometown, Indian restaurant, then in town for those who want to party. Short taxi ride home, sleep in your own bed.

I think you also have to take into consideration the young 'uns and the grandmothers - hard to do.

inmyheadimthequeen · 11/01/2016 15:26

We paid for all the drinks at our wedding (we only had 30 people there) but I think providing the wine/toast and then a pay bar afterwards is the norm. I didn't have a hen do - cannot, in fact, think of anything I would like less than holidays abroad involving clubbing every night (I'm an old fart). The only hen dos I've ever been to have been of the meal out/drinks variety, maybe a couple of spa days. I really don't get people organising trips abroad and assuming that everyone will spring £££ for it, it's a massive presumption about what people can afford and how easy it is to organise childcare and so on.

GruntledOne · 11/01/2016 15:33

I really don't understand some brides' thinking processes. They must surely be aware that most people have limited holiday entitlement and limited finances. Why assume that they must use up both on the bride's choice of holiday and activities? Given the choice, every single time I will choose going away with my family over going away with a load of other women, some of whom I probably don't know, to a destination I haven't chosen. And if the Hen night involves pole dancing, dressing up or stretched limos, I will run far, far in the opposite direction.

redjoker · 11/01/2016 15:38

Crap- whole thread has just reminded me I paid a £50 deposit for do im due to go on (cant even remember the date of) and no idea what we are doing, but felt the pressure of 'pay by tomorrow or you wont be coming!'

short notice much, my fault apparently as 'was announced on facebook'

which I dont have sigh

BerylStreep · 11/01/2016 15:42

I had a meal out at a local restaurant with some friends. It wasn't even a 'hen do' - just a meal out together.

That's pretty standard for everyone I know, but I'm old.

I just wouldn't go.

Any wedding I have ever been at has always had wine at the table, perhaps fizz on arrival, then paid bar afterwards. Even for very wealthy friends.

BringMeTea · 11/01/2016 15:54

The hen stuff is bollocks. Just say no! The wedding drinks is another thing. We paid for all drinks. But we only had 30 guests and it's something we wanted to do. Cut your cloth and all that. I would never be sniffy at having to pay for drinks though. Although I feel a few bottles of wine/soft drinks for the meal should be provided for each table as you are hosting your guests.

diddl · 11/01/2016 15:56

If you can afford it & can & want to do it, fine!

It's expecting others to that's not on.

Even if I could afford it I'd decline if I just didn't fancy it.

Everythinggettingbigger · 11/01/2016 15:59

ive just had to pay out near £300 for one abroad hen weekend away, and that was without spends, although ive now lost the money as I fell pregnant and will be heavily pregnant by the time we come to it. I have also been asked to another which would have fell in the same weekend so wouldn't have been possible anyway but even that was another weekend away, granted in the UK but wouldn't have worked out much cheaper. we have 5 weddings to attend this year......3 of them we need hotels for, one is a whole week in the lakes!! its getting too much! and I'm in my early 20s!!

DP is going on 4 stag dos, all abroad, all over a weekends! we will not be having a family holiday this year with our DS, nor will be doing anything for the last time as "threesome" before our 2nd DS arrives in May, all so we can pay for all these other trips.

diddl · 11/01/2016 16:04

"we will not be having a family holiday this year with our DS, nor will be doing anything for the last time as "threesome" before our 2nd DS arrives in May, all so we can pay for all these other trips."

That's surely your choice though?

EponasWildDaughter · 11/01/2016 17:09

I've only been to one free bar wedding. The tab came to £13,000 Shock

Drew64 · 11/01/2016 17:15

It's the trend now isn't it?
To have weekend/week/abroad Hen and Stag dos!

I'm dreading my BiL Stag do.

17 years ago I went down the local pub with friends and family, went out for an Indian and then onto a club with some friends.

Brionius · 11/01/2016 17:29

YANBU. I'm getting married this year and asked my sister who is organising to please ensure whole thing all in is less than £200. Inc food and travel. I've since been invited to one that the organisers have been alarmingly muddy about the budget of. I'm expecting a large demand any moment. And the travel to the new one will cost me £100 for a train...