Hen do plans keep growing and growing - AIBU?

[romanrainsalot]

Is there a reasonable amount to ask people to spend and take part in? I get that people want to celebrate "last night of freedom", but why has it become the norm to spend entire weekends or weeks?

SIL to be, already has a weekend of stuff organised, with more now being added to the original agenda (trying not to add too much detail in case out myself). Just totted up that if I say yes to everything then I'll get no change from £500. I've managed to dodge a few activities already.

I don't want to sound like a grumpy old cow or sour relations with SIL to be. I just I have a lot of complications in my life: I have a disabled DH, so he cant look after DD all weekend alone; MIL will be on hen do so she can't do childminding; DM is doing a lot of caring for grandparents, so reluctant to ask her to mind DD for longer than a few hrs; plus I'd rather spend £ on family activities and holidays. Also to add to the mix, the Hen do activities are over Easter and the wedding May bank hols so I can't take my family on holiday then as the wedding and pre-wedding activities are taking over!!!

AIBU or am I just old and past it?

[Fratelli]

Yanbu at all. I don't get it. I'd rather have all the people I want there rather than a fancy hen do! Ridiculous! It shows what's the most important thing to her imo.

[Alabamaslammer]

I was asked on a £400+ overseas hen do of 4 days duration last year. Didn't go. I work shifts over 7 days so by the time I'd also had to take two days off for the wedding that would have been nearly a quarter of my annual leave for the year. Went on the local(ish) one instead.

I've spent upwards of £250 on a friend's weekend away hen do and didn't begrudge it as it was great, she is a very old, very dear friend and I got to catch up with 4 other very dear friends. When it's not a close friend I struggle with the expense though, or if it's not stuff I'm into.

One thing that does frustrate me, as an unmarried and childfree person who is likely to remain both of those things, is friends who've had the big hen do's and childfree weddings (which I'm in favour of) themselves but once they've done it and had a kid or two, start moaning about other friends' wanting to do the same thing. I get that having children changes things and sometimes you just can't do things you used to be able to but you were happy for others to fork out for you and give up their free time!

[DisappointedOne]

I didn't do it. Had meal and drinks night in the town I grew up in (inc blokes) and one where I worked (inc blokes). Then a city break with my bridesmaid (which I paid for). Lovely. Couldn't be doing with all the bitchiness of a standard "hen do".

[driveninsanebythehubby]

YANBU - far too much money to be expecting people to be laying out! I agree with others who say tell her you'll just do certain bits, I'm sure she will understand.

When I got married I couldn't think of anything worse than having a hen do! My chief bridesmaid told me that I had to have one so I said just a local meal out and a few drinks. So she urbanised that which was fine except my sister brought along a load of dares and things she was expecting me to do (with soon to be MIL there too!) - I phoned DP wanting him to take me home about 8pm but his best man (chief bridesmaids husband) answered the phone, took the message and decided not to tell him. Not my best night ever!

Oh - I can't remember who posted the shirt expected to be worn but OH MY GOD!!! Have they no taste??

And drinks at weddings. B&G would provide drinks with the wedding breakfast usually (notably welcome drink, wine on tables and champagne to toast with - but beyond that a bar that guests pay at I would have said is the norm (from experience as both a guest and working for a number of years in the hospitality trade). At our wedding that's what we paid for plus my dad bought the first round of drinks for everyone.

I'm guessing the snob who wouldn't expect to pay for a drink at a wedding either has no real friends, has never been to a wedding or is in the sort of class where money's no object and therefore actually the most able to afford to buy their own drink.

[seafoodeatit]

It's crazy what people spend on these things, you are definitely NBU.

For mine we had a nice meal at a restaurant, and then to a bar for a few drinks afterwards, everyone was home by midnight and shock horror nobody was drunk and there were no weird plastic willies as seem to see on TV!

I had a weekend stay at a spa with my mum and sister which was a present from them and not something I had organised which was the most extravagant bit.

[specialsubject]

what others do or don't do is utterly irrelevant - same as when teenagers whine 'but xxx gets to do it..'

you can't afford it and you can't be there due to other committments. What else is there to say?

[Rememberallball]

I got married last year. Had my hen do a few weeks before the wedding.

Met up in local town for champagne afternoon tea followed by, for those wanting to come, an evening of live music and tapas in another town a bus ride away. Average cost per person was £40-50 depending on how much (and what) they drank/ate. We all put money in a pot and topped it up as necessary.

[redjoker]

So people that don't offer a free bar simply 'didn't work hard' enough for their guests then?!

Wow

[BerylStreep]

A bit harsh ninared.

[Introducer]

Ridiculous but, you say no. It's a complete sentence

Loved mine:
House party
25 friends
Belly dancing lesson in our garden
Woman-made bar outside
Hot tub
Photobooth
Buffet food day
Curry at night
Loads of games
Loads of booze
All slept over wherever we passed out
£40 each inclusive of food/copious alcohol and entertainment