Hen do plans keep growing and growing - AIBU?

[romanrainsalot]

Is there a reasonable amount to ask people to spend and take part in? I get that people want to celebrate "last night of freedom", but why has it become the norm to spend entire weekends or weeks?

SIL to be, already has a weekend of stuff organised, with more now being added to the original agenda (trying not to add too much detail in case out myself). Just totted up that if I say yes to everything then I'll get no change from £500. I've managed to dodge a few activities already.

I don't want to sound like a grumpy old cow or sour relations with SIL to be. I just I have a lot of complications in my life: I have a disabled DH, so he cant look after DD all weekend alone; MIL will be on hen do so she can't do childminding; DM is doing a lot of caring for grandparents, so reluctant to ask her to mind DD for longer than a few hrs; plus I'd rather spend £ on family activities and holidays. Also to add to the mix, the Hen do activities are over Easter and the wedding May bank hols so I can't take my family on holiday then as the wedding and pre-wedding activities are taking over!!!

AIBU or am I just old and past it?

[pocketsaviour]

I've never understood the whole concept. Wasn't the original idea just to go out and shag some rando before legally contracting to a lifetime of monogamy with your spouse to be? Don't know where all this spa day rubbish came from.

You can probably guess I didn't bother with one when I married

[DoreenLethal]

No, I would stick to the first thing I agreed to do [one evening out] and not be moved at attending anything else.

[whois]

AIBU or am I just old and past it?

No but say as early as possible what you can and can't do.

Just say "really looking forward to your hen do SIL, I'll just join you for the meal and drinks in the evening though given childcare and cash issues. Hope thats ok."

[ExitPursuedByABear]

My name is Exit. I am 56. I have never been on a Hen Do.

[ShowYourSeams]

Paying for the bride?!?! WTF?

Maybe my view in hen dos is slightly trained because I didn't have one (me and my mum had a spa day instead) bit surely if the bride decides she wants one she can pay for her chuffing self!

I might not mind paying for the t-shirt if it was something i could wear again. But quite frankly it's stupid, tacky and vile. (I'll try to find a picture)

Also, having 3 very small children, I really don't get out much any more, so when I get the opportunity I actually want to put some nice clothes on and not feel 'mumsy' for a few hours. I don't see the appeal in being made to look like a laughing stock.

[ShowYourSeams]

Oops sorry for the typos!

[nmg85]

I had a limit of £100 all in including accommodation, activity and food. I only went away as I had people from all over the country and so went mid point to be fair.

[whois]

last hen do also asked me to pay for the brides place/transport/food- really!!

I went on one a few months ago, abroad for the weekend. Afterwards Bride was complaining about paying to go away for someone elses hen do and saying how expensive it was! I was like, "but your weekend cost at least that much" and she said "no, mine was really cheap, it was only £200" Um, no, we all paid well over £500 inc flights accommodation and activities. So either we subbed the bride unknown to us... or the bridesmaids subbed her.

[ShowYourSeams]

The offending article

[ninared]

yanbu. Definitely not!!!

I feel embarrassed on her behalf for arranging an event and not paying for it - cringeworthy - am always so surprised at how these people invite other people to a big celebration but expect the invitees to pay their way!!

It's like those weddings you go to where you have to pay for the bar!!!!! If you can't afford to pay for a celebration errrrrrr you don't have it.

I always remember my SIL wedding whereby she invited every single person she had ever come across in her life to her wedding as she was so so popular yawn (crowd surfing in the local village hall with 10 people at her 30th big cringe and eyeball roll) but couldn't afford to cater it and so everyone had to line up at the bar which didn't have enough staff laid on and they had to pay for a drink. just so embarrassing.

[Birdsgottafly]

It's standard to pick up some costs for the bride, depending on the overall event, whose going.

So it can be anything from a meal, breakfast while away, or flights/room.

It should be agreed on and it needs everyone to be honest and view an email as a request/fact finding tool, not a summons.

[redjoker]

Indeed, second hen do where I've been asked to do that for the bride, both already expensive 300-400 do's with that on top. Not the brides fault I presume, not sure who makes the decisions sometimes, but was not happy at all about it.

All hen do's Ive been on are these 'packages' pulled from pillar to post for three days getting to locations we've been signed up for, quite frankly its exhausting and takes all the fun out of all of it!

just be honest- i was on the last one and no doubt caused a bit of upset but so glad I did now!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Back when I was childless, I didn't mind. Even when I was relatively "old" (I had Ds1 at 40) I still didn't mind too much. Once I'd had him though, it became pretty much impossible - couldn't afford it, couldn't spend that long away from him (ebf and slept with me too). The one hen "weekend" I did go on, DH and Ds1 came too - not to most of it, just to the initial picnic in the park, and then they went back to the hotel and watched tv, wandered the streets of the town, while I did the activity planned. I went for dinner with the rest of the hen party, but didn't go on after to the club - I had no interest in it, just wanted to get back to DS1, and couldn't drink anyway because ebf.

In your case, OP, I think you would be well within the bounds of reasonableness to tell the hen that you can only do one afternoon/evening activity - it's a huge amount of money for a very short period, and you have childcare issues so it's simply not possible for you to do the whole event.

Anyone who throws a fit about your reasonable withdrawal from the ridiculously overpriced and extended event is bidding fair to become a bridezilla, IMO!

[Birdsgottafly]

Mind you, I've never been to a 'paid for' bar, it's been standard that you pay for your own drinks.

Which is fine.

[ninared]

Yeah Birds sorry don't agree it's standard (may be in your circles) - in my world it's standard to pay for celebrations and if you invite someone to an ever they do not pay for themselves to attend it lol. We don't 'pick up' for the bride. That's errrrrr rather chav

[ninared]

Pay for your own drinks at a wedding???!!!!!?????

I don't thinks so

[goldglitter]

YANBU. I had a night out locally. My friend wanted to go to Marbella, in half term, stay in a luxury boutique hotel, go to all the poncy bars and clubs and also wanted a night out a week before the wedding. I said no to both and we no longer speak.

Glad I didn't spend nearly 1k on her shitty hen do! About 4 girls went!

[SweetAdeline]

Hahaha at snobbery from someone who types "lol".

[SweetAdeline]

In my circles we don't "lol". How undignified.

[redjoker]

I've never been to a wedding that had a free bar; wouldnt even cross my mind, quite happy to pay for my own drinks!

[ninared]

clearly Sweet you hahaha instead and use speech marks to quote now that is lol

[LagunaBubbles]

Pay for your own drinks at a wedding???!!!!!????? I don't thinks so

Very very common in my experience. Im 45 and Ive never been to a wedding where drinks are free all day and all night. Apart from the bubbly that is usually served with dinner, I would never expect to get my drinks paid for all night.

OP YANBU. I dont get the trend for these all consuming "events" that hen and stag dos have turned into. Yes if you cant afford to go then its perfectly acceptable to say this and its ok if bride/groom are decent rational people...which they arent always. I totally agree with all the posters that say it should be a day or night maximum, and costs are important to keep in mind.

Im old and have been married for 16 years but my hen do was fantastic and very traditional for a bride where I come from (West Scotland), basically get dressed up like a bride with L plates (just me looking ridiculous so no -one else had to!), and getting dragged round a selection of pubs by a group of friends/family, banging pot lids and I had a potty for the "collection". All the men used to dread a hen night because that meant getting their wallets out, you would get a peck on the cheek and they gave you money - sorted. It probably sounds horrendous for anyone that isnt Scottish but it was loads fun!!!! Plus I made about £200 . Probably dying out now though!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I went to one wedding with a free bar - the best man actually picked up the tab as his wedding gift to the couple - it ran to almost the same amount as the rest of the wedding.

Most weddings I've been to have a few free drinks (glass of fizz, bottles of wine on the table, fizz for the toasts) and then a paying bar after that. Which I think is perfectly reasonable.

[AlisonWunderland]

My hen do was dinner out in local Italian bistro wearing our own normal clothes, no angel wings or L plates.
It was chuffing lovely!

[LadylikeCough]

Oh, god, YANBU.

It's January 2016. I've just received a let's-get-organised email about my friend's hen do. Wedding is June 2017.

THIS IS BONKERS.

Hen-do is a two-parter, with a spa-led city-break in a UK city plus a girly holiday abroad. I'm declining the holiday, but feel irrationally annoyed even to be asked. Bride-to-be is an absolute legend at cancelling plans and not turning up. Great fun when she is there, but she has zero compunction about letting people down, so it's infuriating so see how seriously she takes her own plans and how far in advance we're all supposed to commit.

Having said that, it's pretty subjective. I have other friends who could suggest a month-long trek through Uzbekistan for their hen-do, and I'd saddle up the donkey and fill my hip-flask. I like celebrating happy events with happy people [gormless emoticon here]. Best hen party I've attended was a week-long holiday cottage rental in some Royston Vasey village, which was inexplicably expensive but worth it.