To ask how you think childcare/cleaning/shoppping/cooking should be split with SAHP?

[dontrunwithscissors]

Here's some background so as not to drip-feednot essentialyou can jump to the next section:

• We have 2 DD's (6&8)
• DP used to work FT, earning £40kpa. The company was horrible. Full of bullies and very stressful. DP would go to work feeling sick at the bullying that was to come.
• DP was made redundant 6 months ago
• I work FT earning £42kpa.
• Before DP was made redundant, life was very stressful. He was in constant fear of being 'got rid of' so I did a very large chunk (70% ish) of childcare duties. The house was a constant tip. I'm an academic and the work is stressful in terms of constantly being told we're not doing well enough.
• I have a disability and the stress of all this kept making me ill. I've been hospitalised 3 times in the last 12 months. DP had to take time off unpaid to care for me. This just piled the stress on even more because housework etc had to be pushed to the side.
• In a sense, it was a relief for all of us when DP was made redundant. We decided DP would be a SAHP to reduce the stress. We can just manage this financially.

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How do you split housework and childcare with a SAHP and 1 working FT (40-45 hours)? I work from home 2 days a week. The other 3 days, I have to get the bus to work, which adds 1.75 hours on to the day.

• DP takes the kids and collects from school, runs errands (eg going to the bank), does all food shopping, washes some clothes, cleans the kitchen twice a week, sometimes does other tidying, feeds the kids tea and does my food if I will be back on time.
• Its 50/50 as to who puts the dishwasher on & washes the rest of the clothes.
• I do most of putting the kids to bed, except on a Monday when I have a yoga class.
• I do homework with the kids.
• I do a larger chunk of childcare on a weekend. I cook on a weekend.
• We both do the bathroom cleaning/putting clothes away/hoovering on a weekend.
• When I'm poorly, DP takes on all of this and very stressful role of caring for me.

How does this compare to other families?

Just in case anyone judges the reasoning behind this question: my concern is that I'm leaving DP to do too much & feel guilty.

Thanks billsykesdog. I've seen spatone in boots. I'll look into it.

As a sahp I did: all shopping, meal planning, 90% of cooking. Day to day cleaning and tidying. Organisation of kids and day to day finances. Most night duties. A lie in each at weekend.

Weekends we are all together so childcare was joint, DH tended to do a fair bit of cooking then. He did all the garden stuff (pretty big job), chicken and dog related duties, DIY (considerable at the moment), cars etc. Would usually take kids out for an hour or so sp that I could chill.

Kids now at preschool and school and I work 18 hrs a week, not much has changed which is fine as I work when kids aren't around anyway. Dh has always worked long days and is currently hugely stressed, think he may be handing in his notice tomorrow in order to go freelance so may be around a bit more during the week which would be nice.

Dh does bedtime every night though, is doing it right now

I can see that would be a big problem with the AHRC, it's only 'official' time off that counts, although as I say if you have a disability then you cannot be disadvantaged under the Disability Discrimination Act. I would be tempted to get some informal advice on 'what happens if' from your grant office, if they are good, and someone higher up the food chain, not sure if your Dean is a nice or sympathetic person (I would fare better with Head of Dept).

What are your plans for making up the work? Can you do a couple of papers instead? I know lots of people who promised this that and the other, but their final reports for the grants only had the things they had done to that date- often books etc were written later. It seemed a triumph of spin over substance at times, but if you have lots to boast about but not a book, that may be ok, I simply don't know.

Sounds like a perfect arrangement to me - as long as you both are happy!

Given DC are at school five days/week, he possibly could do the house work then instead of at te weekend, but I repeat: if you are both happy then stick with it.

Thanks hp. No HoD any more. We're 4 departments that have been merged into a School and now just have a Dean. He's very good & has already proven himself v. understanding. I know he considers my research to be high quality & has said he knows there will be times when I can't produce work & that's fine with him. Thinking about it, I only promised in my application that I would have a full draft of the book manuscript written. I'm no where near that, but I could probably spin it out a bit.

I've just discovered there's an academics' corner on Mumsnet. I might jump over there and ask for opinions.

That's a great idea, I always think that having a plan is the way forward through worry, so having a plan for your final report will make you feel better (and perhaps with more support at home, that book draft won't look so unrealistic...)

Do you have other support, like a counsellor, MH team? Don't have to answer, but getting support for yourself is vital, you have so much on your plate, I'm amazed you have achieved as much as you have achieved really.

I always forget there's an academics' corner, might head over myself.

I have a brilliant community psych nurse, who has (literally) been a lifesaver & a good consultant psychiatrist. MH services are very good where I am. I'm hoping that less stress & getting the anaemia sorted will let me push on with the writing.

I'm the SAHP. DH works long days!!

I do almost everything on weekdays. I clean/cook/shop/sort daily between 10 and 1. I have a couple of hours to myself between 1 and 3. During this time i might go to the gym or meet friends. Then it's nonstop till bedtime at 8. DH washes up after tea on week days.

Weekends is almost 50/50, although DH has a couple of hours extra to chill

I have a school age child and am now at home and am married to an academic. In the week he brings me tea in bed in the morning and makes DS breakfast, he also always makes the evening hot chocolate. He does quick one off stuff like putting out bins in the week but I do the majority. At the weekend it's very much shared so he put away a lot of the laundry today and also does a bit of tutoring DS on a Sunday evening.

He also spent about 3 hours working today and yesterday

I think the MN rule of thumb about the number of hours "off" you both have, is a good one. From what you say, he's not slaving away 9-3 and you are doing more of the child wrangling at weekends plus bedtimes. It sounds like he has more free time than you do. But it depends what he is doing with those extra hours. If he is doing a big DIY project, or running the children to and from clubs several evenings a week, that's completely different to if he spends hours each week on the xbox.

You (plural) should think, IMO, about carving out a bit of decompression time for you (dontrun) to help you stay well. And also some for your DH if he thinks he needs it and isn't getting it. But you sound like you really need it.

I don't think there is a general rule. Being a SAHP to babies / pre schoolers / children with additional needs or disabilities can be a full time job in itself. On the other hand , as a SAHP to school age children I do think the person at home should be doing the vast majority of household stuff during the week while the children are at school, with both parents working together to cover weekend cooking / clearing up / 2 person jobs.

In your particular case, I think you need to focus on protecting your job and your health. It's likely to be your only income stream for some time, and your career progression has taken a knock due to your ill health and having to cover all family stuff while your husband worked. You are also doing some evening work. In your husband's position I would expect to get as much as possible done during the day so that you could focus on work and spend some evening time with the children.

As pp have said, I think the split of work entirely depends on the gender of the SAHP.
I work about 45 - 50 hours per week, outside of the home but self employed. I'm the main breadwinner. DH works part time from home but can go long periods without work.

When I work late, he sorts my tea etc. He looks after our children 1.5 days per week. The rest of the time they are at nursery, with me or with family. I do morning get ups, bedtime routine, nursery bags, washing put away, cook on days I don't work (and some that I do), shopping, dog walking, cleaning is 50/50 (although I'd rather it was less on my part). Problem is, I'm a control freak. If I sit back and ignore it, it won't get done as quickly or efficiently as I like so I end up cracking on.

I don't think that a SAHP doing everything is a 1950s POV. It's teamwork. If DH had the kind of job that could support us financially and I was a SAHP (even though I'd end up stir crazy) I'd see my role as managing the house. That doesn't mean being a servant to DH. Just ensuring everything runs smoothly from my end and that the WOHP can pitch in as necessary without feeling the stress of it after bringing home the bacon.

Unfortunately, it doesn't entirely work like that at my end, but that's my own bloody fault.