To ask how you think childcare/cleaning/shoppping/cooking should be split with SAHP?

[dontrunwithscissors]

Here's some background so as not to drip-feednot essentialyou can jump to the next section:

• We have 2 DD's (6&8)
• DP used to work FT, earning £40kpa. The company was horrible. Full of bullies and very stressful. DP would go to work feeling sick at the bullying that was to come.
• DP was made redundant 6 months ago
• I work FT earning £42kpa.
• Before DP was made redundant, life was very stressful. He was in constant fear of being 'got rid of' so I did a very large chunk (70% ish) of childcare duties. The house was a constant tip. I'm an academic and the work is stressful in terms of constantly being told we're not doing well enough.
• I have a disability and the stress of all this kept making me ill. I've been hospitalised 3 times in the last 12 months. DP had to take time off unpaid to care for me. This just piled the stress on even more because housework etc had to be pushed to the side.
• In a sense, it was a relief for all of us when DP was made redundant. We decided DP would be a SAHP to reduce the stress. We can just manage this financially.

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How do you split housework and childcare with a SAHP and 1 working FT (40-45 hours)? I work from home 2 days a week. The other 3 days, I have to get the bus to work, which adds 1.75 hours on to the day.

• DP takes the kids and collects from school, runs errands (eg going to the bank), does all food shopping, washes some clothes, cleans the kitchen twice a week, sometimes does other tidying, feeds the kids tea and does my food if I will be back on time.
• Its 50/50 as to who puts the dishwasher on & washes the rest of the clothes.
• I do most of putting the kids to bed, except on a Monday when I have a yoga class.
• I do homework with the kids.
• I do a larger chunk of childcare on a weekend. I cook on a weekend.
• We both do the bathroom cleaning/putting clothes away/hoovering on a weekend.
• When I'm poorly, DP takes on all of this and very stressful role of caring for me.

How does this compare to other families?

Just in case anyone judges the reasoning behind this question: my concern is that I'm leaving DP to do too much & feel guilty.

M48294Y, of course a single person can work and juggle a house. It's hardly hard.

However, in a couple, if one expects the other to provide for their every need (either sex) then it's not too much to expect them to do the house stuff given they are at home and don't have to work. Expecting the other person to take on all the financial burden plus 50% of the house stuff whilst they just do a small part is taking the p.

If you are happy and he is happy, then don't feel guilty.

As long as you keep communicating about it, and show consideration for each other, to make sure resentment doesn't build in either direction, you should be ok.

25 hours on housework? ??? How big are your houses?

Dh becomes a sahp tomorrow. He does not cook. I will cook each evening. He will take child to school. Throw on a wash. Keep house in check. Do homework. I will cook he will clean up. Weekends we share child activities and lie ins.

He is planning various diy jobs to keep him occupied. He's great with housework but 5 hours a day? ??? Baffled

Well I work p/t - 24hrs per week over 4 days and I do more than your DH. We do however only have one child so there may be less per day to do.

I would expect your DH to be doing the homework with the DCs rather than doing it in the evening when both you and they will be tired. I hope that your DH picks up the school admin as that can be quite stressful. Ditto I wouldn't expect you to be doing much in the way of housework at the weekend ( but our standards are quite low).

I think it's fair dos that when you get in you spend time with the DC and dishwasher etc. is split. Also you doing cooking on weekends is fair enough as well.

Don't feel guilty about rushing out of the house at 7.45am to get to your job - enjoy being able to do that instead. It sounds like you are picking up at least your fair share of the childcare and maybe some more when you are at home.

To be fair, I take a lunch break and stop for a cup of tea at work so it's mor like 3.5 hours a day.

He also loses a chunk of 1 morning a week to take dd2 to speech therapy. I used to have to do that and make the hours up. When you add in the fact he does 2 shops a week (goes to a couple of supermarkets to get the best deals), I can see how those hours slip away.

The DDs are definitely happier than they were with both of us working. We were constantly rushing and panicking. My disability made doing just the basics seem like a massive task. They're closed to DH than they were as he was always so stressed when he came home, I would often send him off to lie down for a while to decompress from spending the day in a toxic atmosphere. The one problem now is the DDs have got quite clingy to me and get a bit upset when I leave for work. They're conscious I'm leaving the house, whereas I used to drop them at out of school club and they weren't as aware of me being at work. (If that makes any sense.)

when I was a sahm I considered myself a sah housewife and did all the things that entailed. I feel for FT working parents whose sah partners expect them to also take on a part of their 'job' as well as their own TBH.

IMO all this 'I'm a sahp not a sah cleaner' that you often see on MN is bonkers. Harsh maybe, but my opinion.

BUT I think that sahp should utterly respect working p's contribution and working p should utterly respect sahp's contribution - sahp is not a sah slave! And working partner is not a cash machine.

Now DCs are big, we both work FT and we share chores, although with a rather traditional male/female divide.

It's easier to work out how much free time you each have.

With children at school all day I would think that he could get all the household chores done so there should be downtime for both of you in the evenings.

Sorry, that wasn't clear. I meant that Dh probably has 3.5 hrs a day to sort stuff out once you take school drop-off/collection/breaks.

Dont feel guilty about leaving early! Your kids are safe and happy with their dad and then at school.

When they're at school I'd expect him to get most of the housework done, and probably still the majority in holidays as he can get the kids to help with chores.

Of course single parents and couples where they both work outside the home manage. No one is saying that one person must stay home to do housework! But if that is what works for a family then of course they can discuss the best way of splitting things.

OP it's only been a short time and you and DP have both been through a lot and are still adjusting and figuring out how to balance this new dynamic. Keep talking to each other about your day and how you're both finding things, be prepared to adjust how you do things. Try not to worry what anyone outside thinks of the fairness of it, as long as you and dp and DC are happy

I think he should be doing more - all the laundry and all the meal planning, even if you share the actual cooking at weekends.

I agree with you fourkids re the SAHM thing.

Fair enough to not get much housework done with DCs are babies or preschoolers, but once they're at school then there is ample time to get everything else done and fit in loads of time for yourself as well.

I actually thought your post sounded quite fair.

I work full time but over 3 days which means that four days a week I'm a SAHP. I'm very lucky in that DH doesn't expect me to do everything as he appreciates I work 37.5 hours too.

On the four days that I am at home he will cook on two of those days and I will cook on the other two days.

On two of the four days he will do bath time alone and on the other two days we do bath time together. I love it that he does bath time alone two nights a week as it means after a full day with DS I finally get 30 minutes of peace and quiet

I do all the laundry and ironing, the hoovering and polishing but we share the cleaning of the kitchens and bathrooms.

On the three days I'm at work my DH has to get DS up and ready in the morning, drop him at the childminder's, pick him up from the childminder's, get him his evening meal, do bath time and then put him to bed. If one of my three shifts falls on a Saturday or Sunday it means DH is alone with DS all day so as long as the kitchen and living room are tidy when I get home (at about 9pm) then I'm happy.

Different things work for different families and it really sounds like your DH is happy in his role.

No, I think it is infantilising if a grown adult has their every domestic need taken care of just because they earn the family money. In the op's case, her dp isn't not working because he chose to become a sahp, it is because he was made redundant and in their particular family set up (where op needs a lot of care herself) it makes that he takes on a caring role. But he is not being "kept" by the op.

If my dh had expected me to get everything done during the week so that he could relax in the evenings and at weekends when I was a sahm, I would have gone out and got myself a salaried job and then seen how he much he appreciated my sahm years!

It's not so the working partner can relax, though, it's so they both can. And so that their contributions (in terms or hours 'worked') are more equal.

How I think it should work:

Weekdays - SAHP does everything that needs doing in 'working' hours, trying to ensure that not too much of the dull household stuff needs to be done in the evenings/weekends.
Weekends - stuff that needs doing is split 50:50

How it actually works in our house:
I do almost everything. Dh empties the dishwasher and 'helps' by cooking at weekends BUT his cooking makes so much mess that it actually makes more work for me than if he hadn't done it!

Dh probably has 3.5 hrs a day to sort stuff out once you take school drop-off/collection/breaks

He has from 9.00am until, what 3,00pm? That's 6 hours, not 3.5

m48 I'm not sure who your post is directed at, but never in a million years do I think I'm 'keeping' DH. As I said above, I think he's doing the most important job. My worry is that he might feel like he's being 'kept' at times--I think he's struggled to get his head around not working.

I'm happy to do bedtimes as I've not seen the kids all day and want to--I wouldn't dream of coming in and plonking my backside down.

Sorry, it wasn't directed at you op. I was responding to this "However, in a couple, if one expects the other to provide for their every need (either sex) then it's not too much to expect them to do the house stuff given they are at home and don't have to work. Expecting the other person to take on all the financial burden plus 50% of the house stuff whilst they just do a small part is taking the p" from Autumnsomething.

fairnuff the DDs school is a bit of a drive away and a nightmare to park so DH has to park a 10 min walk away. That means it's between 9.20 & 9.30 before he gets home. He has to leave about 2.50 to collect them. DD is the last class to be let out so DH has to wait until 3.25 before she's out. They don't get home until around 4.

As a sahm I would say it is good if the working partner can help with bedtimes as it is a chance to interact with the dc, find out about their day etc. (My dh gets home too late for their supper time)

I would also say the sahp needs some structured time or activity to interact with other adults in the week to save their sanity. This could be hobby, volunteering in the day or a couple of evenings out to something in the week (if friends are working it is not always possible to do this in the day). It would be very isolating to be 'in' all day doing chores.

oK, m48 thanks for clarifying.

blaeberry. You're last point is definitely an issue. DH has made a few 'friends to chat with in the playground, but otherwise has no friends and no hobby. Money is a big part of the problem,l.

I think after a settling in period, your DH should be doing more of the cleaning during the week so you're not having to hoover etc on the weekend. The days you're home later, he should be doing some cleaning or homework with the kids til nearer 6.

I think he should also be sharing the childcare and cooking more evenly on the weekend.

dontrun could he volunteer somewhere a day a week? School, charity shop, historic building, day care centre? It makes a big difference to be able to have a few hours out of the home where you are yourself not just someone's parent. It is actually easier to do the chores when there is less time to do them.

I think it must be pretty difficult being a stay at home dad just because it doesn't seem like there are many of them (at least in my neck of the woods).

I would have no problem running an super-efficient household given your husband's setup, I think he probably should be doing a bit more. Breakfast dishes at dinnertime = NO.