To ask how you think childcare/cleaning/shoppping/cooking should be split with SAHP?

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Here's some background so as not to drip-feednot essentialyou can jump to the next section:

• We have 2 DD's (6&8)
• DP used to work FT, earning £40kpa. The company was horrible. Full of bullies and very stressful. DP would go to work feeling sick at the bullying that was to come.
• DP was made redundant 6 months ago
• I work FT earning £42kpa.
• Before DP was made redundant, life was very stressful. He was in constant fear of being 'got rid of' so I did a very large chunk (70% ish) of childcare duties. The house was a constant tip. I'm an academic and the work is stressful in terms of constantly being told we're not doing well enough.
• I have a disability and the stress of all this kept making me ill. I've been hospitalised 3 times in the last 12 months. DP had to take time off unpaid to care for me. This just piled the stress on even more because housework etc had to be pushed to the side.
• In a sense, it was a relief for all of us when DP was made redundant. We decided DP would be a SAHP to reduce the stress. We can just manage this financially.

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How do you split housework and childcare with a SAHP and 1 working FT (40-45 hours)? I work from home 2 days a week. The other 3 days, I have to get the bus to work, which adds 1.75 hours on to the day.

• DP takes the kids and collects from school, runs errands (eg going to the bank), does all food shopping, washes some clothes, cleans the kitchen twice a week, sometimes does other tidying, feeds the kids tea and does my food if I will be back on time.
• Its 50/50 as to who puts the dishwasher on & washes the rest of the clothes.
• I do most of putting the kids to bed, except on a Monday when I have a yoga class.
• I do homework with the kids.
• I do a larger chunk of childcare on a weekend. I cook on a weekend.
• We both do the bathroom cleaning/putting clothes away/hoovering on a weekend.
• When I'm poorly, DP takes on all of this and very stressful role of caring for me.

How does this compare to other families?

Just in case anyone judges the reasoning behind this question: my concern is that I'm leaving DP to do too much & feel guilty.

If you are an academic, then you simply can't work short hours and continue to take on too much at home- if you are coming in, putting the kids to bed most nights and stacking the dishwasher, then I think that's fine, I do a lot more than that in the evenings, but am exhausted as a result. You have to work very hard, like most jobs these days, your employers want their money's worth and it can feel like you are constantly failing (which they like as you do more as a result).

Could your husband get a part-time job to relieve the stress of just about making ends meet and to cover unexpected expenses? Two school-age children would leave quite a bit of time for him to do all kinds of part-time work, from standing in a local shop, to using the skills he has as consultant, to doing something completely different. Not a stressful job, but something that would make a better balance and take away some of your stress. I used to tutor students in relevant subjects for a few hours a week when I stayed at home, it was quite a nice 'extra' earner and really not stressful to fit in- he's home with school-age children, they are not there half the day.

Perhaps sit down together and work out a rota.
Every day the basics get done like washing dishes making beds and general tidying
Monday :- bedrooms get dusted bed linen gets washed
Tuesday :- bedroom, landing and stairs get hoovered
Wednesday:- bathroom get a deep clean
Thursday :- kitchen fronts and kick boards get done
Friday :- living room hoovered and dusted
Saturday :- laundry gets done together.
Sunday an extra job that needs doing. Like Windows or sorting out paperwork and other jobs that don't get done often.

50/50 with any child related things like bath time and homework.

And on weekends, I would go with 50/50 split of chores and leisure time. You for sure need downtime if you are working long hours and are the main breadwinner, even just a nap for a couple of hours. Likewise, your husband needs some time off to do a hobby or something else, or perhaps he could work on Sat or Sun.

Hi I have a disabled DH who works and I am the SAHP. My DH cannot physically do most household chores so I do them all - cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry. I also do all childcare and anything to do with school and after school clubs. I still also have DD3 at home. On the face of it I would say you are doing too much and if you step away and leave your DH to it things might work better and be less stressful.

I think the sahp should do all housework mon - fri.
My dc are school age, 5&7.
I do all hw/all admin stuff/plus work part time about 20 hours per week.
I definitely think I have the better end of the deal, I have at least 2 hours me time during school hours every single day.

Hp yes, I'm an academic in the Humanities. You're right about needing to put the hours in. My Dean has (unusually) been amazing. I have bipolar and experienced at first hand discrimination from those higher up the ladder (and also been told that having children means I should give up on my research). My sickness record has been horrendous over the last 18 months--5 months off sick. I've always managed to cover my teaching and admin so haven't left colleagues in the lurch, but my research has been knocked for 6. WHile DH was working, I also did the majority of caring for sick children (then worked through the night to catch up) because my DH was told 'aren't you a man?' when he tried to take work off. I also did the many speech therapy appointments etc etc.

In the run up to DH being made redunannt, I was at the point of feeling quite resentful at the fact his employers were so nasty (and DH was so afraid of them) that I was running myself ragged to keep on top of everything. My career was being ruined in the process. I probably would have managed this fine before DD2 was born, but since developing bipolar, my stress tolerance is a lot lower.

As far as finances go....he could try to get a part-time job, but we're in a region with 40% unemployment. He was working in the oil industry, but it's collapsed and thousands of people have lost their job. It's a terrible mess.

don'trun I suspect that you might feel exhausted and ill for quite a time yet, it sounds like you have been burning out and have burnt out quite a few times lately, so perhaps just getting some stability back into the situation will help. For that reason it may be best for him to be at home. I think you are still stressed as you are still running on adrenaline and constantly worried about work, and this means even in your downtime at home, you are running about and worrying about what is happening, instead of genuinely giving it over to him to take charge of.

Your career isn't ruined by the way, one good thing about being an academic is you can have an off year or two and then pull it back again in another year. I had a couple of years which weren't so great and now things are going well again, it ebbs and flows. If you can now concentrate on getting some research done, not big things, just stemming the worst bit of it (if no papers, write, if no grants, just do one of those and not the papers) and then it will start to go upwards again. I don't subscribe to the belief you can be on 100% of your game all the time.

You also need to get your collective stress levels down again- you can do that by stabilizing and managing your own, that will help your husband relax a bitl Do you have a good MH team? Do you have a counsellor at work or elsewhere? Can you get some ongoing support that way?

Part time school hours jobs are hard to come by, and from your family situation, I'm not sure that your DH going out to work at the weekend at this point is the right solution either.

I would concentrate on getting stability with current set up and a split of chores that all are happy with.

Given that your children are at school, I think you do more than your share during term times tbh. I'm sure that he could find time to clean the bathroom and vacuum as well.

During school holidays you could probably take on a little more at weekends assuming you feel up to it.

Hopefully, your children are keeping their rooms tidy, putting away coats and shoes etc. Your older child can do a few chores too.

I'm the SAHP, and DD is not in school or nursery yet.
DH works full time.
I do everything except washing dishes and shit jobs like putting the bin out, mowing the lawn etc. I wash, dry and put away all laundry, do all of the cleaning/tidying, all of the cooking. All my own choice. I'm a control freak! If I do it myself I know it's done properly
We do the grocery shopping together on a Friday afternoon when DH works a short day

hp you're right about work. Unfortunately, all this instability biolar-wise has coincided with a big grant I managed to get. I haven't achieved what I pronised the research council I would do, and I'm scared witless about the consequences of this.

My tiredness isn't helped by being very anaemic (just discovered this a month ago). I've also just been told there's a good chance I have a very rare heart condition that has the potential to cause me to drop dead at any point (only a few hunrded diagnoses worldwide). I'm waiting for genetic testing to be approved to confirm it. If I have it, there's 50/50 chance the DD's do. None of this is conducive to a stable and stress-free homelife, is it?

Forgot that on the financial front, I've applied for Personal Independence Payments. If I get it (and my psychiatrist believes I will), it will mean an extra £50 or £80 per week. That will make a huge difference.

This is a bone of contention in our home. When we had 2 school age dc I did everything Monday to Friday bar bins if I was lucky. Weekends I still did most of the child related stuf and general top up houseworkf but dh would do garden, diy, maybe cook one meal and occasionally wash up. Overall it was fairly balanced as he worked full time.
just under 3 years ago we had an unpanned dd. Dh never really stepped up and is perfectly happy to sit on his arse and leave me to juggle household chores and bedtime.
It ix interesting that generally male wohp do not have the same guilt as op has.
Even now I run my own business but still do the lions share.

If you are awarded PIP get your DH to check his eligibility for carers allowance.

My partner is a SAHD. He does the housework in the week when I'm working, at the weekends we share. There are some things we each always do though eg I do the laundry he does the recycling. he usually makes the kids meals and I make our meals.

I do feel guilty that he does everything in the week, but then again I'm often dealing with work stuff until quite late. My mum comes and helps so actually he doesn't do everything, she does quite a bit. Thought we were leaving the feminist dream until I remembered that bit.

don'trun you poor thing, what a hard time you have had lately. No wonder with your potential genetic diagnosis and your anaemia and your bipolar you have been feeling less than sparkling yourself.

I agree with everyone who suggests that you try to keep things stable and develop a new routine.

As for the grant, has your HoD or grant people been helping with fending them off, on an official basis, I mean? You can usually get the deadlines extended for illness, and then often reporting deadlines (i.e. producing papers) can be extended for free, you don't get them funded but they may allow you some more time. Do you have a good case worker in the grant office? Be honest with them and don't try to cover up that your illness has made you fall behind. Remember the Disability Discrimination Act means you cannot be disadvantaged for being disabled through illness (which bipolar would count) so they absolutely have to treat you the same and give you the same time, not including the time you have been ill. I have had to fight these bodies before over maternity leave, they aren't always as forthcoming as possible, but ultimately they don't want a discrimination lawsuit either. I hope you are in the union and get support there if necessary.

fairnuff the DDs school is a bit of a drive away and a nightmare to park so DH has to park a 10 min walk away. That means it's between 9.20 & 9.30 before he gets home. He has to leave about 2.50 to collect them.

9.30am - 2.50pm is still over 5 hours OP. Plenty of time to get daily jobs done and do the big ones once a week or on evenings or weekends.

With no children to care for, what does he do for those 5 hours? Is he just disorganised?

It would be a good idea to schedule out of the house activities for first thing, after he drops the children off. So swing by the shops on the way home, get home, unpack, have a cuppa then get started cleaning up.

Put the washing on in the morning before he leaves for the school run and it will be ready to hang out/dry when he gets home.

He needs to make himself a rota and see what he is struggling to fit in.

hp, I got an extension to cover the 2 months I was off sick, but that didn't cover the time I lost. My publications were contingent upon me doing research in the USA. I had to cancel a trip twice because I was in hospital. I then had to wait until I was stable enough to travel, and also until it was the school holidays so the DD's could go down to my parents while I was away. (DH was still working at that time and coulnd't manage drop offs/collection with his working hours.) I did have incredibly successful conferences and public engagement. I 'just' didn't get the book writtern.

The aneamia and possible heart condition explains why I've felt exhausted for the last year or so. My GP kept blaming my fatigue and inability to concenrate on depression. I knew it wasn't: I had chest pain, palpitations, fainting, was losing hair, lots of cracked and bleeding skin. I don't know what to do with this information at the moment. I was at work through this, but really struggled to concentrate. I think my Dean will be understanding, but it seems the researrch council wants 'solid' medical reasons, rather than 'I couldn't concentrate for the last year.'

I also won't know whether I have this heart condition for sure until they've done the genetic testing. It's very speciallist and needs funding permission from the NHS.

I am the SAHP and my DH's job sounds similar to yours in terms of levelof responsibility being high but flexibility being good. He does not have any illnesses however.

Our girls are 2&4 (2yo at home FT and 4yo at nursery 2 days per week). Our split sounds similar to yours although I do try and get everything done in order that we can have weekends free for seeing friends and having fun - inevitably like at your house there is some hangover due tothe endless nature of hiusework in a busy family home. I don't think you are asking too much of your DH especially given that your DCs are at school. Imo he should be cleaning the bathrooms and doing nearly all the laundry in addition to what he already does. I would also expect him to do most of the household admin such as renewing insurance policies etc, seeing as he is available 9-5 to talk to banks and other companies.

One thing I have found myself doing as a SAHP is falling into the mindset of childcare (e.g. playing games and crafting, chasing around the garden) being work for me but fun for him. I wonder whether DH has fallen into this too, in which case it might be good for you TO take back a little more "me time" at the weekend.

This is so funny! I got such a flaming when I started a thread a few weeks ago asking who should do more house work me (working full time) or DH (sahp).

I believe sahp has plenty of time to do 90% of the housework while kids are at school. otherwise what is he doing with his time?

don'trun you have achieved a lot then, given you were so sick during this time, and continue to be sick. Surely having bipolar counts as solid medical evidence? Can anyone from your university grant office speak informally with the funding body and explain the situation and how to go about solving it- you are still not fully functioning.

In terms of medical evidence, you can get your consultants to provide letters if your GP is crap or all about 'depression'- my experience is sadly that sometimes things do get written off to depression when they are not caused by that, and this seems to be the case in your case.

The anaemia alone will be knocking you out- are you taking Spatone or other iron rich supplements as well as the NHS liquid stuff, I found taking Spatone really helped.

Limon I didn't read your thread to my knowledge.

However this is 2 parents on the edge. It sounds like the DH is depressed and OP has a life long medical condition.

They both need to get on top of everything, but at the moment it's very daunting.

Trust me because until I had my depression under control I didn't do anything, even bathing and brushing my teeth was too much. My house went down hill fast as I didn't have the energy to care. DH was working full time and the only thing that kept me going was the fact I had to work so my energy was taken up with that.

I think this thread has a lot more than simply housework and shopping

If I were at home with school age kids then by evenings and weekends the only things that would need to be done is childcare/entertaining, cooking and the dishes from those meals. I would relish the time I would be able to spend on ensuring all laundry done, house immaculate and a big shop done during the week to ease the strain eveni gs and weekends.

I would expect my partner to do the same if they were afforded the luxury of SAHMing with schoolage kids.

Take turns doing bath and bed. Have yourself maybe three hours each at the weekend alone time (whether thats a lie in, a gym/shopping session, a long bath and a book).

piper yes, digging away at the background, there has been a lot going on in the last year. What you describe is exactly what was happening: the stress woud push me over the 'edge', I'd be admitted, DH would struggle to hold everything together at home, I'd recover and we'd struggle to get things back in order.....rinse and repeat. Something had to give. I was very relieved when DH was made redundant as we couldn't afford for him to just give up work--he got a good pay-off that allowed us to clear the car loan and keep some savings.

hp I got a 2 month extension for the time I was on sick leave, but they wouldn't take into account the loss in productivity where I was back at work, but having to pull everything back together & reacquaint myself with the material.

I'm not sure what to do with the aneamia/heart problems. The AHRC is only interested in time where you are on sick leave. The I-felt-shit-for-9-months-but-didnt-know-why type of illness doesn't seem to be taken into account. I'm currently wondeirng whether I should go see my Dean and explain the situation right now. But I'm worried about drawing too much attention to myself, or appear like I can't 'cope' (the suck it up and don't complain attitude in academia.) I'm still reeling from being told about this potential heart problem--my brother died in his sleep when he was 24, but we never knew why. It seems that he probably had this heart condition. But I'm stuck in limbo until the testing is done. I'm looking at waiting 6 months before I get an answer.

I'm taking iron supplements & they same to be helping. I felt terrible by the time the GP finally decided to do blood tests---9 bloody months of going back and forth with just about every symptom of aneamia possible.

OP, slightly off topic, but have you tried Spatone iron supplements? I have problems with anaemia and was taking tablets and they weren't helping much plus giving me an upset tummy and making me feel rough. someone recommended Spatone to me and it's been a bit of a revelation, it's much kinder on the tummy and far better absorbed. It's improved my energy levels no end. It's a bit pricey so not on the NHS, but worth every penny IMO: