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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she shouldn't keep commenting on my childrens weight.

93 replies

justalittlelemondrizzle · 09/01/2016 22:08

I have a mum friend at school, we've got pretty close over the last year, we meet for coffee, meet up for playdates alot and we take our children to the same swimming lessons etc.
She has made comments about my childrens weight saying things like "they're so skinny", referring to them as "skin and bones", and asking "do they eat?" amongst other hurtful things in front of them. They are 8 and 6, of average height and are both 3 stone. They look similar to most of their friends but I admit, they are skinny. They have been weighed several times as part of check ups and the national screening programme at school and I always told they are within the normal range for their height. But i'm guessing, probably the lower end of normal. They seem to have taken after their dad who is a slow gainer, they eat a lot but are active. I do try to give them high calorie but healthy food, If I didn't, they probably would be underweight.
Anyway this lady isn't English, so I understand there is a language barrier and she probably doesn't know how rude it sounds and the first time I shrugged it off.
But she has said these things 3 times now and its starting to get to me.
Her children are the same ages and are extremely overweight. They cant run, they're clothes are huge and are twice the size and weight of mine but the same ages. They eat constantly and very unhealthy food. I never judged her or her kids but after her repeatedly saying these things to me I thought I would add that. I would never dream of saying to her, "your kids are really overweight, you really should do something about this" to her once, let alone repeatedly.
I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to fall out with her. She is lovely is every other way.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Moln · 10/01/2016 12:50

3rd percentile means that 3% of her age group weight less than her.

Thefitfatty · 10/01/2016 12:51

Living in the Middle East I've lots of Indian and Arab friends and talking about kids sizes/weights is pretty much average small talk. I think its very much a cultural thing, and she doesn't mean to be insulting. If she's otherwise nice I would nod and smile and ignore it.

WorraLiberty · 10/01/2016 13:24

Cultural or not though, if it's upsetting the OP and being said in front of her children, she needs to ask the woman to stop.

Branleuse · 10/01/2016 13:32

If its culturally appropriate for her to keep commmenting, then she shouldnt have a problem with you saying, "excuse me but it is very rude for you to keep commenting on my childrens weight"
She might appreciate the heads up on local culture

IguanaTail · 10/01/2016 13:38

Just say "the doctor is very happy and I'm not discussing it". That's it. Keep repeating.

rookiemere · 10/01/2016 13:40

She's saying it because she is concerned about her own DCs weight. If yours are ok then that means hers are overweight, but if yours are underweight hers are ok.

Or yes it could be a cultural thing. As a teen I used to hate going to my country farming grandparents as amongst other things the first thing I would be greeted by my grandfather was the remark "Big girl, big girl", this would then be repeated several times during the course of the visit. They're irish btw.

As I was indeed a big girl 5ft 6, not skinny, I assumed I was being told I was fat, until the time much later I visited with my cousin who's 5ft8 and dead skinny, only for him to pronounce that we were both "Big girls."

From that I surmise it was meant to be a compliment we'll gloss over the whole men having the right to comment on female figures as and when they please as not relevant to this thread.

myotherusernameisbetter · 10/01/2016 13:51

I've only got the boys centile charts in paper form but you can look up the others online.

www.rcpch.ac.uk/system/files/protected/page/NEW%20Girls%202-18yrs(4TH%20JAN%202012).pdf

and here is the boys one for anyone interested:

www.rcpch.ac.uk/system/files/protected/page/NEW%20Boys%202-18yrs%20(4TH%20JAN%202013).pdf

And if you are looking for any specific other ones - here is the main page:

www.rcpch.ac.uk/growthcharts

NeverNic · 10/01/2016 13:55

Spanish children's clothes are cut smaller. I can't comment on Spanish children, but their clothes are smaller. I often see chubby babies out there, but no more than here. At a guess their shapes are different (for how they do their patterns) . My boys are small in height, short bodies, broad shoulders, long legs (for their height) and muscular and they suit Spanish styles. IME the waist measurements on uk clothes are really big. I prefer the slimmer cut of Spanish clothes.

Georgia85 · 10/01/2016 13:59

She had no right to comment but I do agree that for most 8 years 3st is underweight. My almost 5 year old weighs that and is on the 50th percentile for his weight so is average.

WorraLiberty · 10/01/2016 14:02

It's weird though because I thought Spanish kids were something like the 3rd most overweight in the world?

myotherusernameisbetter · 10/01/2016 14:07

a 3 stone 8 year old would need to be about 3 foot 8 or less to be the same in terms of height for weight. An average 8 year old would be about 4'3 and weigh about 4 stone.

AlwaysStarving · 10/01/2016 14:21

Tbh it is a cultural thing. I am Bengali and whenever I go to mums she will say how skinny my kids have become or I dont feed them. She has been known to pick my kids up and say yep you have definitely lost weight..since yesterday. She lives a few streets away and I see her pretty much every day Hmm

Bambambini · 10/01/2016 15:10

"There is of course the chance that she's aware her children are unhealthy weight but is attempting to deny the comparison, of yours to hers, it by convincing herself your children are underweight."

Again i think diffenet cultures can view these things differently. My neighbour (Pakistani background) used to go on about my skinny kids compared to her healthy (plumper) kids. I think she honestly saw being chubbier rather than skinny as being heslthier.

Bambambini · 10/01/2016 15:11

Worray - most spanish people and their kids that i know or see - tend to be slimmer overall than the UK.

Wonder if you are thinking of Greece - they have a huge obesity issue.

WorraLiberty · 10/01/2016 15:59

Bambini I've just found this link from the NHS website

It's dated 2013, but interestingly Greece isn't on it. Spain is definitely hot on our tails though.

Europe's obesity league:

UK: 24.9%
Ireland: 24.5%
Spain: 24.1%
Portugal: 21.6%
Germany: 21.3%
Belgium: 19.1%
Austria: 18.3%
Italy: 17.2%
Sweden: 16.6%
France: 15.6%

Haroldplaystheharmonica · 10/01/2016 16:23

How do so many of you know your child's weight? Do you all have scales at home? We don't have any in our house and I'm now wondering if I need some as I have no idea what my two weigh!

cardibach · 10/01/2016 16:29

I agree it's none of her business. If your children are healthy it's none of anyone's business. However edwinbear you wrote: I'd be tempted to say something along the lines of 'yes, they are lucky to be naturally slim aren't they as it's so much healthier to be slightly underweight than slightly overweight' . This isn't actually true - slightly over is healthier than slightly under. This is not an excuse for obesity - the operative word is 'slightly'. Also it doesn't imply that over is healthier than within guidelines (although, for adults, the medical data suggests that this in the 25-30 range have better long term health...).

Bambambini · 10/01/2016 17:06

Worra - surprised by that. Thought Greece, Italy and Germany would be ahead of Spain for some reason - probably because all the Spanish women I see are in really good nick.

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