To think she shouldn't keep commenting on my childrens weight.

[justalittlelemondrizzle]

I have a mum friend at school, we've got pretty close over the last year, we meet for coffee, meet up for playdates alot and we take our children to the same swimming lessons etc.
She has made comments about my childrens weight saying things like "they're so skinny", referring to them as "skin and bones", and asking "do they eat?" amongst other hurtful things in front of them. They are 8 and 6, of average height and are both 3 stone. They look similar to most of their friends but I admit, they are skinny. They have been weighed several times as part of check ups and the national screening programme at school and I always told they are within the normal range for their height. But i'm guessing, probably the lower end of normal. They seem to have taken after their dad who is a slow gainer, they eat a lot but are active. I do try to give them high calorie but healthy food, If I didn't, they probably would be underweight.
Anyway this lady isn't English, so I understand there is a language barrier and she probably doesn't know how rude it sounds and the first time I shrugged it off.
But she has said these things 3 times now and its starting to get to me.
Her children are the same ages and are extremely overweight. They cant run, they're clothes are huge and are twice the size and weight of mine but the same ages. They eat constantly and very unhealthy food. I never judged her or her kids but after her repeatedly saying these things to me I thought I would add that. I would never dream of saying to her, "your kids are really overweight, you really should do something about this" to her once, let alone repeatedly.
I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to fall out with her. She is lovely is every other way.

What would you do?

Per - are you obsessed by him gaining weight? Bigger isn't better

Of the families I know who obsess about increasing calorie intake.

One is extremely healthy but insistent. Poor child has to continue eating despite being uninterested/full. Child is naturally on the 50th percentile but this is considered too slim. Meal times are stressy.

Two families intentionally weaned/pushed their kids onto high calorie foods (mostly unhealthy stuff). The children went from being naturally slim to obese (like their parents) within a few years

No Period the paediatrician did not suggest he gain weight. He eats very well and is very healthy. I am very aware of where he is on a chart but like I said I was 5 and a half stone at 16. I ate loads and couldn't put weight on. My son is small in height too but my husband is only 5 foot 3 and a half. The paediatrician has clearly said it is his genetic heritage and that he is due to be the same weight as my husband. He was born under the 0.4th centile and has stayed at that for 14 years. My 12 year old daughter was born on the 2nd centile and is still on that and is also small in height. They are some of the healthiest children I know and Doctors have agreed that they are doing very well. They are also fit and have tons of energy. Sometimes people are just naturally small. The paediatrician that saw me when I was a child also said I was naturally slim and small and I didn't need to put on weight either.

Sorry didn't mean to call you Period!!

I don't really know what the next generation will make of us WRT their own weight problems, when they look back on their childhoods.

Many overweight people in my generation (I'm 46) still blame their weight problems on their parents making them clear their plates as children, because they were living in the hangover from wartime rationing and the poverty it caused.

I've a feeling the next generation will blame their parents for never leaving the house without snacks for them, so they never learned that hunger was a natural feeling and not something that had to be 'plugged' immediately.

Also, their 'go to reason' for their weight issues may be that they grew up with a yo-yo dieting parent, rather than a parent who made them clear their plates.

Then again, they say every generation blames the last.

Sorry my last post was meant to say that my son is online to be the same height as my husband! He is such a busy bee that I suspect that is one reason he is slim but he looks lovely and healthy because he is also small in height so in proportion

Worra I think your right. I think for the next gen. it might be why the weight obsession instead of muscle mass. I know that I look a bit tubby at 60kg with no exercise but, at 61kg can look like a toned goddess.

Being a mum is nearly always a C- and and rarely A plus.

Being a mum is nearly always a C- and and rarely A plus

I'm going to steal that because it's so true!

In fact I can almost hear Simon Cowell's under whelmed voice, delivering the verdict

Per - are you obsessed by him gaining weight? Bigger isn't better

That's a really odd question! No, i'm not 'obsessed' by him gaining weight.

But he's along the bottom centile for his weight and hasn't an ounce of anything on him. Like I said, what concerns me a bit is that he has no back up...a stomach bug would see him slipping into 'underweight' realms fairly easily. His ribs are very very prominent, even when arms are down and I would personally prefer him to be a few pounds heavier. I know that you should see ribs, as you can with both of my dc, but there are ribs and ribs IMO!

I don't obsess at all and ds2 has no idea that i'm 'feeding him up' so no stress involved for anyone.

OP why don't you want to fall out with her? "Lovely" people don't say cruel, derogatory things to "friends". I couldn't listen to someone criticise my children like that. They wouldn't like what Id have to say to them - & we'd never be friends again thats not the kind of person I'd want around me or my children.

The general weight obsession in the society is truly awful. You don't want someone in your circle perpetuating it.

After reading these comments i'm thinking the same mistress. I somehow convinced myself I was being a bit soft. But you're all saying what i've been thinking so thank you.
Ive worked it out and she is in 25th percentile for height and 3rd percentile for weight.
I'm not overly concerned as she is fit and healthy, she is rarely ill and very active. I think its just her genetic make up. The same for my youngest.
They have a healthy relationship with food, they will eat when they're hungry and stop when they're full. I don't follow them round with food and I never will. I will probably continue to 'fatten' up their meals with cheese and full fat milk etc but only because they never stop moving and I don't want them to burn more than they eat.

Plotted my friends daughter. Shes 50th percentile for height and 86th percentile for weight - how dare she make comments!?

justalittlelemondrizzle hopefully you will feel confident now to tell your 'friend' it really isn't her business to comment on your children's weight, and especially not in front of them!

You may even feel justified in saying having looked into food and weight for children you are sure her children are overweight and you feel that is bad for them.

This may herald the end of the relationship but it may be for the best if she cannot stop saying things in front of your kids.

However, I do think that your older child is under weight, it really does depend if she is average height for her age.

My thoughts are based on the average heights in this chart...

www.onaverage.co.uk/body-averages/average-child-height

You can plot your children's weight on a BMI calculator here....

www.nhs.uk/livewell/childhealth6-15/Pages/Childhealth615home.aspx

If your older child is lower than what is considered a healthy BMI for a child of that age, there may be reasons for this and they may be totally healthy.

If you plot the children details - it asks age (date of birth), height, weight and sex - you will see if they come out below the healthy BMI band; and if you feel you want to talk to a doctor or nurse about it, then you may feel it is useful to do so. Don't let the fact that this woman is making poor choices for her kids stop you from investigating if you find one of your children is underweight.

Being over or under weight can be harmful. But having said this some people do not trust BMI indicators. And it may be that your child is a normal weight. I do just find it unusual they are the same weight, being one or two years apart in age.

I'm overweight and part of my problem is the mania of finishing up food and not wasting any. This is a really damaging message to give kids so it is very good your kids can eat when hungry and know when to stop. It really is a very valuable life lesson.

Good luck with your friend. And well done on encouraging healthy eating.

Plotted my friends daughter. Shes 50th percentile for height and 86th percentile for weight - how dare she make comments!?

Er, you do know that 86th percentile is very likely still within normal weight range? Clearly she's heavier than she is tall, but not by a huge amount centile-wise...I struggle to understand how this child would be hugely overweight/obese tbh Having a child on the higher percentiles for weight is no more something she should feel ashamed of than you should feel ashamed for having a dc on the lower centiles because having a child on a high centile is NOT the same as saying that child is overweight.

Ds1 is above the 98th percentile for weight - and still in his normal, healthy weight range.

Actually, from a centile chart I have hear, the 50th centile would make an 8 year old girl around 126cm and the 86th weight centile would make her about 4stone 10lbs.

Which, according to the NHS puts her WITHIN a normal, healthy weight/BMI range.

So YABU and if your figures are accurate I would suggest that your view of child health is as skewed as your friends tbh.

It can be quite normal in some cultures to ask very forthright questions and make comments that would be considered rude in the UK.

But, it still would be very annoying.

My DD is 8 and weighs just over 3 stone. She hasn't actually gained an awful lot of weight over the last year. However, I'm not concerned at all having taken her to see a doctor as I was worried she might be underweight. It turned out that she was bang on the 50th percentile for height and slightly under it for weight.

DD does loads of exercise (she's a dancer) and when we told the doctor this she said there is no way she'd be able to manage it all if she was underweight. She also said that the sign of concern is if the cheeks are sunken in, which is not the case with DD at all.

I do think our perceptions of weight have changed over the years a lot. There certainly seems to be much more chubbiness around than when I was growing up in the 70s.

Interesting thread. I have had the opposite as all 3 of mine gained weight as puberty struck and were, quite frankly, very overweight as young teens. None of them were particularly sporty - dc1 and dc3 loathed all sporting activities with a passion- and I got lots of 'helpful" comments about my neglectful parenting! Fast forward to now. Dd1 is 25 and a fitness fanatic. Does Insanity training and mountaineering and is a very toned, size 12 with cheekbones to die for. Dd2 is 22 and,despite a health issue( not weight related) is a regular at the gym and a slim size 8/10. Ds is nearly 14and still chubby but now kicks a ball around in the park with his mates a couple of times a week and is losing the weight as he continues to grow - now 5 foot 8 and will be well over 6 foot by the time he is done.
So, with some common sense, things can and do even themselves out and not every fat/thin child is the result of bad parenting and doomed to a life of ill health!

Ds is 6 and weighs 2.5 stone, he is at the point now where medics are getting concerned about his lack of weight gain and he is underweight. But he is losing weight now.

There is a massive range of 'normal' weight though so it's wrong for anyone to judge someone else's weight without actually knowing what is going on!

Per - extra padding isn't healthy. There's uk ribs and there's starving 3rd world ribs. Huge difference. But fat is the norm here.

Where can you see separate percentile charts for height and weight?

I was looking at my 12 year old yesterday during his swimming lesson. He's thin - certainly the thinnest there, which is why I noticed really.

He's in the 4th percentile for body mass . Still a healthy weight apparently. I'm interested to know if he's a low percentile for height, I suspect he is. I can't really judge by his classmates as he's on a whole younger; plus one of his friends is already 6ft plus!!

I'd just answer her, our doctors tell me she's a very healthy weight and active child. What does your doctor say about yours?

That will shut her up.

Oh sorry to the OP. You know your children are healthy weights. So I suggest you do as suggested up thread (can't scroll back enough to see who said it) that you relay that your children have been checked and they are a healthy weight. Then repeat (and mention you have already told her this) if she says again.

There is of course the chance that she's aware her children are unhealthy weight but is attempting to deny the comparison, of yours to hers, it by convincing herself your children are underweight.

We are now so used to seeing overweight people, skinny is now seen as abnormal.
Whenever I work in a certain district of Paris I am surprised how ruin everyone is. But it isn't abnormal.
Greek mums say everyone is underweight!!!! so she may not be being rude.

india? that kind of explains it really when i went to an indian girl's house after school for play dates i got fed a lot never did find out what they put in there oranges but it sure tasted nicer than plain orange!

send them over for a playdate so she can see what they eat? better yet invite her kids so they can report back

Oh dear passion I must have measured that one wrong and I was obviously guessing her height slightly. She's 6 stone so dont know where that puts her bmi. Definately not 4 stone as i would not consider that overweight. Anyway this isnt about her really. I was just looking for comparisons sake

Oh yes hero, they have been for lunch many times and there's more comments "they didnt eat much" "they're so slow". They ate loads and they just don't inhale their food they taste it and chat during a meal.

Does anyone know what height 25th centile + 3rd centile weight means. As it looks like she's in the lower end of the height range. Maybe thats why its never been a cause for concern as it evens the weight thing out a little?