To think she shouldn't keep commenting on my childrens weight.

[justalittlelemondrizzle]

I have a mum friend at school, we've got pretty close over the last year, we meet for coffee, meet up for playdates alot and we take our children to the same swimming lessons etc.
She has made comments about my childrens weight saying things like "they're so skinny", referring to them as "skin and bones", and asking "do they eat?" amongst other hurtful things in front of them. They are 8 and 6, of average height and are both 3 stone. They look similar to most of their friends but I admit, they are skinny. They have been weighed several times as part of check ups and the national screening programme at school and I always told they are within the normal range for their height. But i'm guessing, probably the lower end of normal. They seem to have taken after their dad who is a slow gainer, they eat a lot but are active. I do try to give them high calorie but healthy food, If I didn't, they probably would be underweight.
Anyway this lady isn't English, so I understand there is a language barrier and she probably doesn't know how rude it sounds and the first time I shrugged it off.
But she has said these things 3 times now and its starting to get to me.
Her children are the same ages and are extremely overweight. They cant run, they're clothes are huge and are twice the size and weight of mine but the same ages. They eat constantly and very unhealthy food. I never judged her or her kids but after her repeatedly saying these things to me I thought I would add that. I would never dream of saying to her, "your kids are really overweight, you really should do something about this" to her once, let alone repeatedly.
I don't know what to say to her. I don't want to fall out with her. She is lovely is every other way.

What would you do?

Posted similar before...but English kids are fat.or chunky, or big. Spanish and French children are much slimmer. I buy clothes for dd at least year younger than she is, so they fit her height...massively big in the body though. However if I buy clothes for her from French/Spanish/Italian companies I can buy her clothes in the "right" age and they fit perfectly!

In India it can be a sign of wealth and pride if your child is overweight - probably a throw back to showing that you are rich enough to overfeed them? I have an Indian friend (who lives in India) her child is vastly overweight and every time you see pictures they are sitting in a (western style) restaurant and he has a huge pizza, burger or desert in front of him or people are hand feeding him (he's 5) pieces of cake...

Another one here with two slim and very fit children. Both eat a varied diet, play sport and are rarely ill. And yet lots of people think it is absolutely ok to make comments like "are they ok?" "They are so skinny" "what do they eat?" And even my MIL asking whether my 9 year old DD had an eating disorder! We have such a distorted image of what a healthy child should look like now. Yes, you should be able to see their ribs. Comments about so called skinny children are not treated with the same seriousness as comments about fat children but they are equally damaging. Daughter was being called anorexic at school by certain children .. Nothing was followed up. Another girl was called fat by another child and there were class talks, new arrangements for changing for PE etc. sorry I am ranting but it really touches a nerve with me.

I get really cross at the distorted views of some people. My DD (10) is 4.5 stone and 160 cm in height and has a beautiful slim figure. Perfectly healthy and loves food and eats mostly healthy stuff, chooses olives over chocolate, smoothie over milkshake but loves crisps.

Obese or how some like to call it puppy fat is not right but they are trying to justify it.....

Don't drag her kids into it. Just as she has no idea about the health of your kids, you have no idea of the health of hers. I think I'd tell her that the doctors have said they're in the healthy range and that you find it upsetting when she mentions it. Just do it courteously and matter of factly and move on with things. As you say, she probably means absolutely no harm and I'm sure that she will drop it if you ask. If she doesn't then you might want to distance yourself, but give her a chance first.

Needfinsnow I also buy french/spanish clothes for both mine and Dutch clothes are good for healthy tall kids too!

I haven't read the whole thread except for the first post, but an 8 year old at 3 stone? My 4 year old who eats not very much at all weighs 3 stone although he is quite sturdy and stocky and tall for his age. Although having said that, my 5ft 5 size 6-8, 17 year old DD weighs 7 stone. I guess it really depends on the child.

vino...will look out for some Dutch websites! It's crazy how big kids sizes are here. To say as a nation we are pushing healthy eating /living so much, but still encouraging children to be so large...is so conflicting to say the least!

Vino

4.5 stone is very underweight for a 10 year old girl of 160cm. It's a BMI in the 'red' zone, on the 0th percentile, which would worry me quite a bit.

You don't have to have a 'distorted' view of child weight to be concerned at a very low weight child. Having too little weight/body fat/mass can leave you susceptible to all sorts of illnesses and requires intervention the same as an overweight child does.

If your kids are healthy and full of energy and eating well they are clearly naturally lean and there is nothing wrong with them or how you are bringing them up. If her kids are struggling to run and play they are the ones to have a weight problem. She is so used to seeing overweight as the norm that she sees your kids as unhealthily underweight. It doesn't really matter whether the reason for that is cultural or personal.

I don't know how you deal with this though. It is easy enough to say just to brush it off and ignore her but that can be hard to do if you hear it repeatedly. I think you just have to go with repeating to her that they have been weighed at school and are in a healthy range and ask her not to bring it up with you again.

I have been told before now that my dogs are/were underweight. Every time I go into the vets I get congratulated on them being a healthy weight. They are within the correct weight bracket for their breed and size and are healthy and active. Sadly some people have become so used to seeing overweight dogs and/or kids that they no longer recognise what is healthy. I had to put one down at 15 years old due to her body slowly failing with age, my remaining dog is now 13, another good age. It bothers me that people think they are badly treated but I know really that they are well looked after and loved. I just have to hold my head high and carry on as I do.

Peridot - my son is 14 and is 4 and a half stone. I was 5 and a half stone at 16 when I left school. I was bullied badly for being underweight.. I deliberately ate loads to try and put on weight to avoid the bullying but I didn't put weight on. I was checked out by a paediatrician and so have my children. All three of us are/ were naturally slim. Oh and my children rarely get ill and have never needed anti- biotics etc. They eat a good, nourishing diet. I rarely got ill. Sometimes children are just naturally slim. It took me years to get over the bullying from people though.

Yes notenoughbottle I did think that myself. All ive said to her so far is, they take after dh and the dr is happy with their weight.

I don't think for a moment she can't see that her children are overweight. When she dresses them after swimming she struggles to pull their pants up (they cant seem to manage it themselves)

Personally I would find an article on child obesity and anonymously email it to her - send a hard hitting one too
Yeah that's bitchy but it's so cruel - feeding them so they can't bloody run

Sorry Colin but a 4.5 stone 14 year old boy is exceptionally underweight...I really don't see how that can be considered 'naturally slim' or healthy at all.

Surely a paediatrician who assessed your son gave advice to aid weight gain?

My child who turned 8 recently is 3 stone exactly. She's got a typical wirey 70's build. Heathy, bright, coordinated, rarely ill and very happy. She's on the bottom percentiles, so perfectly fine. Health visitors, GP's and nurses have never passed comment about her weight. She eats anything and everything. The idea of 'feeding her up' makes me cringe. It has the potential to induce psychological eating/weight/health problems long term. And I do know parents that have gone out of their way to feed children up and it's not pretty picture! Boarder line force feeding, stressy parenting, children eating crap because it's high calorie and food becoming a control issue. Far from healthy! It's so ironic that people in the uk stress so much about weight when infact the nation is bigger and unhealthier then ever. A bottom percentile in the uk is nothing like a starving 3rd world child.

Without seeing vinos dd in the flesh it's silly to speculate on whether she is an unhealthy weight. If she's broad boned and well into puberty shape then maybe. Or perhaps like dd and I she's the small framed slightly built type, with the minimum of body fat to be healthy. According to charts, dd and I are well underweight. According to any medical professional or similar we're perfect health.

Skinny kids just stand out these days because instead of the average child being skinny, the average is chubby. Dd is no thinner than I was, it's just she's in a minority group now that I wasn't

Soosie i'm consciously trying to 'feed up' ds2 but that doesn't mean i'm forcefeeding him or giving him high calorie shit.

Feeding him up to me has meant changing his milk to gold top, making sure he only has full fat yoghurts and real butter. That he has a decent portion of good protein and a well balanced plate, with minimal shite, so that every calorie is a beneficial calorie.

i have one child who is 11 and barely 4st. right at the bottom end of the centiles, i have another who is 9 and 5.5st and decidedly chubby at the moment. they both get fed healthy food. of the two, the chubby one is by far the most active. I've no idea how this has happened tbh.

Dd1 is 8 next month and she's tall but only 3 stone. Her younger sisters are 4.5 and both weigh 2 stone 10. All are healthy. I hate people commenting on dd1s weight as she shows signs of an eating disorder and has done since age 3. Really annoys me.

Posted similar before...but English kids are fat.or chunky, or big. Spanish and French children are much slimmer.

Huh?

My kids are English and they've never been fat or chunky in their lives.

And regarding Spain, the WHO figures for 2014 found that over 66% of Spaniards were overweight.

I love how mumsnet thinks that it's really important that children get excited about olives...

Worra... I based this on the fact my dd is so small in clothes "her" age in English clothes, but in Spanish and French clothes she is bang on the age appropriate.

I think sometimes as parents we can focus a little too much on diet and not enough on exercise.

When I look at the sports teams at my DS's school, none of the regular football, netball, ruby, gymnastics, cricket teams are overweight.

On a Saturday they'll pile over to the chicken shop or McDonalds after a match, so it's not like they have some sort of magical diet that other kids don't...and it certainly doesn't mean they're necessarily healthy.

But what it means in my view is that they're taking enough exercise to keep their weight down.

I know it's been said time and again but part of the reason there were very few fat children when I was growing up in the 70s, was because the majority of us would play out in the street or the park every day and come home when the street lights came on. Mainly because there was very little to keep us indoors.

Another big part is that there were very few takeaways on the high streets, they were quite expensive and none of them delivered.

Needfinsnow perhaps the Spanish are in denial, so their overweight kids have to buy 3 sizes up

My MIL is Spanish and she can't believe how much the average waist line has increased, whenever she goes back to visit.

Worra you may be right! Perhaps French and Itlalians (and the Dutch as informed lower thread) are the same. You are correct however with the activity...my dd eats McDonald's etc but she's so active it will always be negative calories. X