To think DSS may be telling more porkies?

[ThingsToDoWithTheKidsInKent]

I'll keep this as brief as poss

My DHs son is 15. Since knowing him from around 11 he's been a bit of a fibber and fantasist. He tells wildly untrue stories and essentially lies just about everything. He's also quite maipulative, and uses his fibs to get his own way. I make him sound like a monster. He's not, he's actually a lovely polite timid boy, apart from this issue. We just put it down to him being a kid and using separated parents to his advantage, and hoped he'd grow of it.

But now we've just discovered he's no longer attending school and will be privately tutored at home, for free (his mum's on benefits). When asked why he said because he was depressed and had attempted to cut himself because school won't "let him be who he wants to be". When I asked what he meant by that, he said its because school "keep getting on at him" for not sticking to the uniform and personal appearance policy and keep disciplining him for his piercings and his long hair that he regularly dyes bright colours.

Now, I find this hard to believe. Not that he's depressed, I believe that. He's become even more withdrawn and shuts himself away in his room overy the lastronomical few months. But again we put that down to puberty/hormones/teen angst. But for a school to say "ok, you can have private tutoring so you can wear your piercings and have your hair how your want it"... is that really a done thing these days? Surely all teens would be getting private tutoring if they all complained they were depressed because they don't like uniform rules?!

I feel there's more to this that my DH isn't being told. Because as well as DSS being a fiber, so is his mother. And sometimes they lie as a pact to hide things from DH.

What do you think? DH seems to have swallowed all this, but I don't buy it. I haven't said anything, but I don't think it's fair that DH is constantly lied to and kept in the dark about things concerning his son.

op your dh needs to contact the school/ss to find out what you need to know. Is he leaving you to do this for him?You are def sound concerned about your ss 's well being, i hope his father is concerned enuf to make contact with the above as you cannot do that for him. Horse to the water---

OP TBH I suspect you are the problem.

In your OP you say depression and self harm (cutting) have been given as the reason and in your very next paragraph you ask But for a school to say "ok, you can have private tutoring so you can wear your piercings and have your hair how your want it"... is that really a done thing these days? Surely all teens would be getting private tutoring if they all complained they were depressed because they don't like uniform rules?!

Why don't you believe in the depression and self-harm? (It would take something as serious as that to secure home tutoring.) Perhaps the boy is keen to have some privacy from your aspersions and his Dad is being excluded as a side effect of that?

It sounds very much like the situation is an extremely vulnerable young lad who has 2 different homes with 2 different sets of expectations. Your DH who will supervise HW, insist on uniform rules and generally ask questions and his DM house where there are minimal pressures and possible abuse.

Imagine being your DSS. Vulnerable. And you know how that feels because you have clinical depression yourself. What helps you? Would you feel most comfortable in an environment where you controlled the rules or one where the rules control you? I know rules and boundaries are part of life but sometimes you just aren't in a good place to conform 1 and your DSS has the choice ATM not to.

You've had good advice about how DH can request the information and keep it secret from with XW. But once he has this information he needs to carefully consider what he does with it and how he approaches DSS.

I'm surprised T the number of posters calling DH piss poor and neglectful TBH. Yes, he could be doing more but unless you've been in the situation where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't you cannot possibly understand that do go with the choice that will enable you to have the best situation you feel possible. For example your DH knows things aren't right but he's scared if he fights more, like he should TBH, that he'll end up with no contact and then he'll be even more isolated and worried about DSS?

I don't think you can say the DSS would see his dad if he wanted. This is a child with MH problems who's mum is actively encouraging him to isolate his father. Children are still impressionable at 15yo and even more so when they are vulnerable and lost.

fidel1ne another thread with you calling a step mum the problem! I watched you do the same last week and I think you need to get a grip! If she didn't care and was just an evil
Stepmother she'd just call the kid a liar to his face wouldn't she not ask advice on MN!

What a bizarre post Emma (and bad form). I don't remember the other thread offhand but if two posters sounded off to me this week and both happened to be stepmums, so be it.

It makes no sense at all for the OP to disregard the self-harm she's been told about, that I can see. (And then characterize the home tutoring as being provided to facilitate outlandish hair). I'm sorry if that uspets you.

OP you claim to understand depression but then say this about DSS depression and self harm
"Surely all teens would be getting private tutoring if they all complained they were depressed because they don't like uniform rules?!"

It sounds like you think he is lying to get his own way, that he is manipulating people "so you can wear your piercings and have your hair how your want it"..

I think it's time DH stopped the hand wringing and got off his arse to ask some questions before DSS is 16 and nobody will tell him anything anyway.

The alternatives are 1. you accept DSS has his own life and choices but DH continues to be passive and just looks concerned. or 2. You and DH ask DSS to come and live with you since you/he are so concerned with how he is living now.

When is he 16? He can leave home soon if it's that shit.

If he approaches the school they are obliged to tell him what's going on but they do not (and should not) tell his DS and his ex.

Op you sound like a very unpleasant person. And very rude. You've had some good, practical advice. Your dh is a cliche - 'my ex won't ALLOW me to be involved sob sob, I'll go on about how my son is my world but not actually do anything!'. Not even think of contacting the school himself and finding out when parents evenings are!!! If your step son is really in the situation you describe him in ie depression, self harm, violence in the home then your dh fucking well wants to man up and get properly involved now! Ffs this has made me so angry. Poor kid. And no I'm not step mother bashing as I'm sure you will bleat on about

Op, sorry you have had such a hard time and for fidel1ne to say "TBH I suspect you are the problem" is cruel and hateful. You come across kind and caring and very worried about your DSS. Your DH does need to contact the school and find out what is going on and as others have said they will be able to do this without relaying back to the ex. Do you think your DSS would like to live with you, could that be an option? It can't be easy being a stepmum whatever you do you can't seem to win.

Disbelieving or minimizing a distressed teen's self-harm is cruel and hateful pilates.

Being a SM is perfectly okay, depending on how you approach it. I've never felt that I 'can't win'.

I'm obviously reading a different thread to you then fidel1ne because I haven't read anywhere that the op is disbelieving of her DSS illness.

That is odd pilates. It's all there in the OP.

Try to persuade dh to contact the school and ask for reports at least. He really can do that without dss or ex being aware of it. He can also talk to the school about whether this latest tale is true, and if dss is really being home schooled, then why.

He does need to be a little pro-active.

neither of us were aware that DH could contact school and they wouldn't inform his mum

really? half an hour on google, divorce and separation and parenting websites would have told you that. Yet he's been agonising over his child's welfare for all of this time?

maybe you married a man who couldn't give two hoots about one of the children he created?

Schools don't lightly agree to a child dropping out and receiving tutoring at home. Something must have been happening for a while. Unless there is a court order stopping the dad from having contact then he can go to the school and as what the situation is. Perhaps give the pastoral team a call or go in and ask to speak to someone.

Without wishing to sound offensive, living in a 2 bed flat (so possibly cramped) with 3 adults (2 of whom are possible elderly if they are grandparents, and 1 of whom is bi polar) and living on a low income doesn't sound like the best start in life.

Good luck and I think its a good thing that you care enough to be concerned. I hope you manage to help him have a more positive life.

And you bitches have been no help whatsoever

Your dh needs to stop bleating and start parenting. You have been given good advice you are choosing to ignore.
This is not the fault of "you bitches".

My daughter was unable to attend school for three years before a private tutor was offered

I am probably going to upset you more. DSS sounds very manipulative- not necessarily a nasty thing but he has learned how to get what he wants. His mum obviously indulges that and between them they have managed to keep your DH and the school where they want them.

Teenagers do get depressed, some more than others. It is how that is handled that is the key. For example, if he could not attend a mainstream school because he will not co-operate with basic expectations (and goodness knows how he will cope in life if he can not cope with those because most employers have a basic level of expectation) I would bet there is a PRU for vulnerable teenagers locally- a small school/unit where teenagers with mental health issues or other vulnerabilities go instead of school. The fact that he says he is being tutored at home and has somehow bypassed a PRU makes me very suspicious.

I wonder if his mother has signed something to say she is home-schooling him. Have you actually met a tutor? If the LA is paying for hom-schooling something serious has happened and a process has been gone through to reach the point where there is no other option. It is very expensive, students get no more than a few hours and he will, in all likelihood end up with no or very few qualifications. They are iften students who have been permanently excluded for violence, sexual assault or are physically very ill. He does not fit those categories so I am wondering what is going on. The assessment to get him to that point would be huge.

Your DH needs to bite the bullet and contact the school.

PS You don't sound very nice.

The OP is asking for help and advice, not for people to give their personal opinion of her or her DH. Most people think Jeremy Kyle is a twat for a reason

If she wanted sugar-coated, hun-laden advice she'd have done better in the other place (or to have avoided calling MN a 'bunch of bitches') EmmaLouise

And as I already stated fidel you clearly have an issue with step mothers if your other step mum bashing posts are anything to go by. I didn't say she asked for sugar coated advice but it certainly isn't your call to say whether someone is the problem or not based on this post. The general consensus is that you should take poster at what they say -if you don't believe them then simply ignore and leave the thread. Judgemental assumptions are unhelpful and in all honestly come across as unbelievable bitchy

If I told my DS15 he couldn't see his DF he would laugh in my face

Hmmm, if my DH's EW told my DSS and DSD that, they'd do exactly what she said. They're too afraid of upsetting her to go against her wishes.

Absolute piffle.

"The fact that he says he is being tutored at home and has somehow bypassed a PRU makes me very suspicious."

Why would he be sent to a PRU? Unless i've missed something, there is nothing in the OP about him having been excluded from mainstream education due challenging behaviour, which is what a PRU is for. The OP says her DSS is being home tutored due to clinical depression. I've worked in CAMHS and in Educational Settings my whole adult life and never heard of a child being sent to a PRU for having a medical condition that made it difficult for them to attend mainstream school. I suppose it could be that I've just been lucky and that this is something that happens in other areas but I sincerely hope not as it would be a gross misuse of resources and potentially very traumatic for a child with mental health issues but no history of violence/other behavioural issues to be placed in a PRU environment simply for being unwell.