To expect family to phone after DC's operation

[Tigerblue]

DC had an operation. I have two lots of elderly family who've both phoned asking how it went and one has phoned back since.

DH has five other families on his side who were aware of the operation, but not one has phoned/texted/emailed - they were all well aware as it came up just before and over Xmas. In fact, DH phoned MIL who had forgotten. I'm not going to make an issue of it with them, but just wondered AIBU to think one of them might have contacted us.

One member of his family is due to go into hospital themselves next week and I was going to suggest we phone or text to wish them luck and offer help afterwards. Will still do this anyway, but it hits home no one has bothered about DC.

The grandmother had forgotten?
About the actual day, or the operation?

But people may well be busy and with other worries.
I'd just send a text saying all was well with the operation and leave it at that.

When you say families, what do you mean?

I presumed from the thread title you meant grandparents, but they rang?

I wouldn't ring anyone unless it were a life or death thing (and then I'd ring someone closer iyswim, like the grandparent, rather than the parent) because I wouldn't want to bother people if they were busy looking after a child who was recovering and possibly still in hospital.

I don't have nieces and nephews but dp does, and in similar circumstances I ask MIL how things are, as she is the one with the constant (sometimes too much!) contact.

Hope your son recovers quickly.

Sorry, just spotted MIL forgot. That's a bit off tbh.

Its not how I would expect people to behave. One of my kids had two operations when he was younger, 4 and 5 years old, he had cards, presents and people phoning to see how he was, my aunt came to the hospital to sit with him and give us a chance to go and have a meal and change of clothes. His grandparents came to pick us up when he was discharged, his dad had gone back to work. I hope your little one is OK.

If they didn't text/phone for your DC why are you doing it? I personally wouldn't.

Depends on the family dynamics and whether they have previously set a precedence for being thoughtful/thoughtless. If they are general thoughtless, then YANBU to expect them. But if they are generally thoughtful then you are being reasonable to expect them to.

My own mother (she lives overseas) has not once greeted DC on his birthday or ever given him a birthday/Christmas present (he is 10 already). She has always been completely caught up in her own life and has always been thoughtless. She generally calls me on my birthday but only because it falls on a public holiday. I have just learned to accept her as she is, and expect nothing.

Actually, in their shoes, I would think it would be best to leave you alone and wait for you to send an update. Given that this must be a stressful time for the parents, my assumption would be the last thing they would want is pestering texts and calls. That's my view.

I tend to be a 'leave alone as I don't want to bother the person' . I always think I'll be intruding.

Hope your ds is feeling much better. Was the op something minor or common and perhaps they didn't think to ask?

I don't really understand people not getting in touch because they don't want to intrude. Most people have mobile phones and a friendly text saying you hope everything is going ok and offering to help if they need anything isn't intruding is it?

I'd also leave alone until I was contacted not wanting to bother already stressed people.

If I'm already stressed / tired / ill, I often don't want to feel obliged to even answer a text, let alone make conversation on the phone.

I have learned that maybe I'm in the minority thinking like that, so now I make an effort to contact people at least by text if they are going through a hard time.

YANBU. My 2 year old has had 9 operations. First one I got quite a few texts, messages on facebook etc. Now I might get 1 text from family and that's it. I usually post something on facebook (shamelessly begging for attention) and get a few responses from that. Most people don't mention it apart from telling me I'm selfish for refusing to try and stop breastfeeding my 1 year old to "make things easier for everyone".

How long ago was the Operation?

Tbh I don't remember when someone else's children have stuff going on. Even important stuff. I would expect dbro, to remember either.

Between work and making sure my two are where they are meant to be, I forget a lot of stuff.

I have had to set 3 reminders in my phone about my doctors appointments, or I will forget.

I can imagine it's put you out about mil, not sure who the other family members are.

But personally I would just move on from this. People aren't perfect

I think it depends on the op. Ingrowing toenail, probably not. Heart surgery would require a lot of support. In between, like tonsils or something requiring a full anaesthetic, a call or text would be nice but not essential, except from grandparents and the child's aunts and uncles - I would expect them to be in frequent contact.
I really appreciated the regular texts and calls when my son had heart surgery, and in fact have dropped a few friends who couldn't be bothered to provide any support or empathy at that time. I've also become much closer to people who I had considered only good acquaintances, who contacted me every day until ds was out of ICU.

YANBU to expect a text from grandparents, perhaps less so from aunts/uncles but depends on the type and seriousness of the surgery.

What operation have they had? Is there a significant risk of death or injury? If so they may well be reluctant to call in cad sit is bad news.

Is the condition life threatening- will the operation possibly reveal more complications- may again be reluctant as above. Are you waiting for biopsy results?

Will they assume that you are at the hospital with them and so cant take calls? especially if they child is in intensive care etc

Too many unknowns to answer your question. I would assume that if an operation had gone well the parent would text me tbh. I wouldn't want to assume and text them in case the news was bad.