Harassment to have kids

[JadeFeather]

Hi
My husbands cousin (similar age to me) is constantly harassing us about having kids. She started this as soon we got married. Told me I should give up work (which is what she did). Told us she knows people who have delayed and had issues conceiving. Asks me how work is then proceeds to tell me "well you won't be able to work when you have kids". I asked her at Christmas (as the host) whether she had a chance to eat yet (because I saw that she was feeding the kids) and her response was "just you wait until you have kids". My husband and I have both told her we will have a family when we are ready but she doesn't get it. Recently she has started to tell my MIL that she should be telling us to have kids!

She is a SAHM and her circumstances are very difficult. They live in a small one bedroom flat with 2 young kids and have a lot of financial difficulties. I feel sorry for her because of this and I remember that before I was with my husband and knew her she was very nice to me.

I don't understand why though anyone would feel the need to interfere with someone else's life choices? My husband thinks it's jealousy that I have freedoms she doesn't , I have a career, we travel a lot, go out, have almost brought our own house etc. I have friends who are doing much better then I am in different aspects and yes I may feel natural twinges of jealousy but I would never behave this way with them. I always make a conscious effort to try to avoid talking about these things with her and focus on asking about her kids because I don't want her to feel bad but inevitably stuff like work, holidays etc does somehow come up in conversations.

I'm confused by her behaviour. Her financial situation isn't great and she hasn't had the opportunity to enjoy the pre child carefree life we are enjoying now but she's blessed with two healthy children. I know it's really tough having kids but can it really make someone so bitter?

I used to say 'every time someone asks us we delay another six months... we are now up to May 2020' or something else equally ridiculous and they stopped.

IT is unfair however to try and persuade others to join in, I agree with you there.

I found a lot if pressure not to have babies! In fact my own mother was horrified when I announced my first pregnancy, (married, well educated, not young) and she just said but oh head it will damage your career!

I conclude there is about a years window in your early thirties that iit is socially acceptable to produce a child! And only one at that!

Plough your own furrow op,

It's irritating. See her less!
Eventually people give up asking.

I actually was pushed to try for another (we were, just not successfully) over and over by a friend, saying things like You know fertility goes down with age, don't you? One day I just turned around and said Really, I had NO idea!, possibly a bit too sharply. She took a deep breath to start explaining what why when, but caught my eye and raised left brow. She shut up and never ever mentioned that next baby again .

i was understanding of her crazy attitude until the bit about issuing orders and lecturing your mil - i think whatever's going on in her head and life is tipping her over the edge from fanatical to unhinged. in my experience this is when they need to start getting some professional help or do something to address the underlying issue/s. otherwise it will consume them.

it sounds like underneath it all she's desperately trying to get others to agree with and validate her life choices - and if you're happy with your lot then you don't behave like this. she may feel trapped in a web of her own making and the only way she can survive it is to try and convince herself and others that this way of living is 'normal' and 'right'.

it's an extreme and warped way of thinking and being but it's everywhere. it's really sad to see people conditioned to this extreme and i can empathise with your situation in a way when it comes to finding away of answering/dealing with it when it's happening to you regularly and constantly and to these extents.... just how do you tell them to fuck off to the far side of fuck without being 'mean' and 'rude' and knowing that no matter how you say it you're just 'twisting the knife' in deeper for them? and then when you get the expected 'shocked/upset/self righteous response back - how do you then tell them to fuck off some more without being the 'bad guy'?

i've found that sometimes following through with 'i'm leaving the room/discussion and walking away' strategy works, sometimes a blunt 'it's non of your business', sometimes 'perhaps you should concentrate more on your own life re money/housing/providing etc' - if they want to talk about my personal life/stuff then i'll talk about theirs and there's no limits on that. and then sometimes i just give them the argument their looking for - they walk away feeling all self righteous and get the catharsis of getting it all off my chest
yea, others have to witness it/get pulled into the drama etc but then why shouldn't they? they always have the choice of stepping in and putting a stop to it.