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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Harassment to have kids

80 replies

JadeFeather · 08/01/2016 09:47

Hi
My husbands cousin (similar age to me) is constantly harassing us about having kids. She started this as soon we got married. Told me I should give up work (which is what she did). Told us she knows people who have delayed and had issues conceiving. Asks me how work is then proceeds to tell me "well you won't be able to work when you have kids". I asked her at Christmas (as the host) whether she had a chance to eat yet (because I saw that she was feeding the kids) and her response was "just you wait until you have kids". My husband and I have both told her we will have a family when we are ready but she doesn't get it. Recently she has started to tell my MIL that she should be telling us to have kids!

She is a SAHM and her circumstances are very difficult. They live in a small one bedroom flat with 2 young kids and have a lot of financial difficulties. I feel sorry for her because of this and I remember that before I was with my husband and knew her she was very nice to me.

I don't understand why though anyone would feel the need to interfere with someone else's life choices? My husband thinks it's jealousy that I have freedoms she doesn't , I have a career, we travel a lot, go out, have almost brought our own house etc. I have friends who are doing much better then I am in different aspects and yes I may feel natural twinges of jealousy but I would never behave this way with them. I always make a conscious effort to try to avoid talking about these things with her and focus on asking about her kids because I don't want her to feel bad but inevitably stuff like work, holidays etc does somehow come up in conversations.

I'm confused by her behaviour. Her financial situation isn't great and she hasn't had the opportunity to enjoy the pre child carefree life we are enjoying now but she's blessed with two healthy children. I know it's really tough having kids but can it really make someone so bitter?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2016 12:52

Just don't engage with it. Say something like that's between me and dh and were not discussing it with anyone else. Firmly. Possibly repeatedly until she gets the message and stops asking. It eventually worked with some annoying relatives of mine.

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2016 12:53

we're not were

Salmiak · 08/01/2016 13:01

I had this with a family member as well - a constant barrage of questions regarding our plans for a family.

In the end I ended up answering her with something along the lines of 'oh gosh, that's an awfully personal topic to bring up in conversation. You are making huge assumptions about the stability of our relationship, our finances, and our sex life which are all quite private matters. Luckily we don't have any fertility issues to struggle with but if we did that question would be deeply hurtful. Fortunately things are brilliant between me and dh but honestly I consider it a really inappropriate question and you should be more careful about asking about it as you can never truly know if seemingly innocent questions around this topic will cause immense upset. So be careful about asking it again, ok?

It seemed to ease off the pressure for a while - until after we had dd, then the questioning began about when I was going to give her a sibling. Sigh

Original poster
JadeFeather · 08/01/2016 13:20

Yeah it's exactly because I know there will be no end to her advice even after I have a child that I feel I need to say something now to make her aware.

My mother in law was appalled because to her she said it came across as meddling between a MIL and DIL. She has a very poor relationship with her MIL. Don't know if she wants me to have the same in that respect too Urgh. Luckily I have a great relationship with my MIL.

OP posts:
Original poster
JadeFeather · 08/01/2016 13:22

I appreciate all the support here. Sometimes I start questioning my approach to life and feeling guilty. It's bad I know!

OP posts:
TheSecondViola · 08/01/2016 13:26

a 5 minute conversation 5 times a year, so about a half an hour a YEAR= constant harrassment? Hmm

You clearly don't like her and have a low opinion of her choices, so why would you even talk to her at all?

regenerationfez · 08/01/2016 13:30

I kind of understand even if it is a few times a year, especially as it's from a family member and she is getting others involved in the conversation too. It's the never endding ness of it that gets you down, the feeling that whatever you do, its not good enough because you havent reproduced. I have shut down many a conversation in my time with my moter, and there are topics I refuse to talk about to such an extent that she only brings it up a few times a year. It still occupies my headspace though, and its still irritating when it happens.

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2016 13:32

I understand it too-if it is the only time you see that person and they keep going on about having a baby it feels constant.

Woobeedoo · 08/01/2016 13:58

I used to be asked by my MIL each time I saw her if me and the OH had decided to have a baby. When we eventually told her we were having a baby, there were no smiles, instead a "Took you long enough" comment with moody face. We thought it'd all stop after we'd had our baby but I was pulled aside and asked "Are you going to have another one then" (this was first asked when DS was 4 weeks old). I've been asked that question seven times now and it only stopped when I bellowed "No!" at her (which stopped the questions as we are trying just don't want her to know).

I don't see her that often but the thought of my womb being questioned by her on each visit was enough for me to finally snap.

LaurieLemons · 08/01/2016 14:32

You don't need to have reasons for not having kids or 'justify' it. It doesn't sound like she's being rude she's probably just excited for you guys, simply say we don't want kids yet and change the subject. If she keeps asking just tell her to stop going on about it.

Original poster
JadeFeather · 08/01/2016 14:48

No it's definitely not that she's excited for us. I have other family and colleagues even who are excited for us and they will make light hearted jokes and the like about us having kids. I don't mind that. Insisting to my mother in law that she must tell us to have children suggests to me her intentions aren't good.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 08/01/2016 14:49

I agree it sounds more like her trying to justify her life choice(s) as the only/best option by expecting everyone else to do the same. There are many people in this life who take anyone else making different choices as an insult to their choice. (You will find this a lot once you have dcs, if you breast feed when they formula fed, if you have baby in their own room when they co-slept, such people will assume you are insulting their choice just by not taking the same one).

I wouldn't pretend you have fertility issues or question her life choices with "when are you going back to work?" Comments, just big smiles and "we aren't planning any just yet" or "not ready yet". Every time you hear the comments, try to hear "I'm scared I made the wrong choice", because that's what she's really saying. It's hard, but try to be sympathetic, not angry at her. (And if you do have dcs later on, when you are more financially secure and go back to work, prepare yourself for negative comments)

Original poster
JadeFeather · 08/01/2016 15:32

Yes I need to tell myself that when she is saying these things to me!
I just know if I say I am not ready she will want to get into a debate about it. That's what MIL found when she said its not her place, she started arguing and saying parents are supposed to correct their children when they are wrong about something and fix this attitude young people have these days about enjoying themselves and not taking responsibilities seriously.

OP posts:
AnnaMarlowe · 08/01/2016 15:43

Jade just say "that isn't your business and I'm not going to discuss it with you".

We had years and years of fertility issues, trust me when I say that there is no polite way to shut down someone that persistent. It used to break my heart every time I was asked.

When you eventually are trying you'll feel worse about these rude questions not better.

Shut her down. Now.

Original poster
JadeFeather · 08/01/2016 15:46

You're right. That way she hopefully will realise nothing about my life is her business ever.

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 08/01/2016 15:53

I got shit from MIL about having children around 28. She was less direct but whenever we saw her she was wittering on about babies constantly 'so and so you've never met and never will is expecting a baby' etc. It drove me spare tbh, (she's quite normal/nice) usually it was just a couple of years and in the end I pointed out in heart that she could always have IVF but she didn't get the message unfortunately. Grin

It was a mixture of some bizarre belief that the right time for everyone to have babies is their 20s, even if they don't want one. Plus I think a bit of inferiority that she thought I thought I was better than her because I have a degree/ reasonable job. (Obviously that isn't the case).

Ignore ignore ignore

TowerRavenSeven · 08/01/2016 16:03

I don't think it's jealousy or bitterness either. It sure does sound annoying though. Maybe she is the type of person that anything she does is the way it aught to be done (in her eyes). I know someone like this who otherwise is a lovely person. If they get the white car, then the white one is the way to go - until they change their minds that no, black is better. Then it becomes 'fact' that black is better.

It is annoying but don't play into it either. For example, you say you never said you didn't want children. That is just too complicated to get into with her. She won't listen to that anyway. I find that if I nicely say, "I know you mean well but I just don't want to talk about this any more" you have told her. And when she brings it up again (she will) just change the subject. I do this with a relative all the time. They will goad me on about something and I'll just respond "I wonder what time it is? I think it's time to pick up ds" or something like that. The relative gave me a funny look but after I did this (with different answers) a few times they gave up on their goading.

Hissy · 08/01/2016 16:18

You see this is why I'd not go back to being 27/8 for all the tea in China!

I'm 20 years older than this and know that only in my 40s would I have realised that I can tell some busybody nutter cousin of someone I'm married too to back off and mind her own business, and never ever try to get me to validate her life decisions.

Why are you even giving this creature any airtime? Pull the plug.

Hissy · 08/01/2016 16:22

Some neighbour of my ds dad used to say "that boy needs a brother" every time we passed his apartment.

Lucky (for him) it wasn't said in a language I speak, so he didn't get my reply, but I made sure to tell ds dad to point out that 3 mc, one life threateningly bad are what drove decisions about our family, and would he rather my ds lose a mother?

People who comment on the lives of others can ftfo, and when they get there, ftfo some more.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 08/01/2016 16:59

whereas in her family everyone has kids as soon as they can regardless of financial situation. It's seen as a religious duty to reproduce. I think enjoying your life is seen as selfish etc.

I suspect this is a lot of it.

But the -way- she bangs on about it is just wrong. Agreed she wants you to reproduce to justify her choices. If she's got no other interests she sounds like she's become a shadow of her former self ... and tbh I think the best parents do have some degree of life for themselves outside of the children.

Whatever the upbringing, in most cases it's bloody rude to keep pushing your opinion on others who aren't interested. Just like pushing religion on people who aren't interested!

I think you need to start standing up for yourself and making it clear that her comments are well over the top. Love cora's response! and actually, I think it's quite a reasonable one.

Headofthehive55 · 08/01/2016 18:06

IT sound to me she's in a situation that's she likes and is saying aw...come on in the waters lovely!

Some people just can't help,themselves trying to interest you in stuff there just found out. Whether it be the latest place to go on hols etc.

I think you sound very negative about her with your comments. You seem to have dismissed her as boring and having no interests...very judgemental of you! For all you know she might be very interested in the psychology of toddlers. There are people who do PhDs in that! I suspect she will be very into developmental psychology, being a teacher it's like living your subject!

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 08/01/2016 18:28

funny how negativity develops when someone you're not close to bangs on endlessly about a very very personal matter like children and won't shut up.

tobysmum77 · 08/01/2016 18:34

funny how negativity develops when someone you're not close to bangs on endlessly about a very very personal matter like children and won't shut up.

Well quite you start feeling as you are viewed as a baby factory rather than a person for one thing. It makes you negative about the person doing it. In my case it was 10 years ago so I've calmed down.

DinosaursRoar · 08/01/2016 18:41

But Headofhives - the cousin hasn't "just found" motherhood, it's not something that's a new concept to her or the wider family, she's made the OP aware of the 'joys of motherhood' repeatidly, and is now trying to rope other family members (MIL) into nagging the OP to change her behaviour to match her view of the way the OP should be living her life.

This isn't talking about getting a new hoover or join a new gym, or take up a particular diet plan, or something else that's a relatively small life change, she's suggesting the OP changes her whole career and life plans to match the cousins as the cousin's way is the 'right way' to live and the OP is getting her own life wrong.

Headofthehive55 · 08/01/2016 18:49

It may be of course that she thinks she's only making conversation. I remember one woman turning to me and saying it don't leave trying for a second too long, it's not fair on having only ones...

I was suffering infertility so it was hard. The woman went on and on...