Harassment to have kids

[JadeFeather]

Hi
My husbands cousin (similar age to me) is constantly harassing us about having kids. She started this as soon we got married. Told me I should give up work (which is what she did). Told us she knows people who have delayed and had issues conceiving. Asks me how work is then proceeds to tell me "well you won't be able to work when you have kids". I asked her at Christmas (as the host) whether she had a chance to eat yet (because I saw that she was feeding the kids) and her response was "just you wait until you have kids". My husband and I have both told her we will have a family when we are ready but she doesn't get it. Recently she has started to tell my MIL that she should be telling us to have kids!

She is a SAHM and her circumstances are very difficult. They live in a small one bedroom flat with 2 young kids and have a lot of financial difficulties. I feel sorry for her because of this and I remember that before I was with my husband and knew her she was very nice to me.

I don't understand why though anyone would feel the need to interfere with someone else's life choices? My husband thinks it's jealousy that I have freedoms she doesn't , I have a career, we travel a lot, go out, have almost brought our own house etc. I have friends who are doing much better then I am in different aspects and yes I may feel natural twinges of jealousy but I would never behave this way with them. I always make a conscious effort to try to avoid talking about these things with her and focus on asking about her kids because I don't want her to feel bad but inevitably stuff like work, holidays etc does somehow come up in conversations.

I'm confused by her behaviour. Her financial situation isn't great and she hasn't had the opportunity to enjoy the pre child carefree life we are enjoying now but she's blessed with two healthy children. I know it's really tough having kids but can it really make someone so bitter?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Told me I should give up work (which is what she did)."
No, I don't think it's jealousy - more that she needs you to do the same as her, so that it 'justifies' her choices. Because she could have made different choices - not given up work, delayed TTC, etc. Seeing someone who is making different choices sort of 'challenges' her choices, at the very least makes it clear that what she did was actually a choice rather than an inevitability.

I think some people worry about making choices, always fear they've made the 'wrong' choice, so would much prefer, in a strange way, to live without acknowledging that there was a choice. Because if there was no choice, they couldn't have got it wrong, could they? You making different choices, well it makes it clear that she made choices, and she'd rather not think about that too much. Whereas if you make the SAME choices as her, it goes back to inevitability and she can put that fear of having got it wrong safely back in its box.

Does any of that make sense against the rest of her personality?

[DragAct]

You don't need to justify to anyone why you don't want children now, or in fact ever, if you don't.

I agree with Spendspend that she's hoping to have company in her financially-straitened, difficult life as a SAHM, and thinks you will magically join her in equivalent circumstances as soon as you give birth. It sounds to me as if she would then start saying 'Oh, wait till you have another!' if you were visibly managing fine with a child. Her head would spin around like something from The Exorcist if you went back to work and continued unproblematically in your career after maternity leave.

I think those who think her children are so important to her that she can't conceive of anyone not wanting to conceive immediately are being either very generous or a bit obtuse. She sounds either depressed or a bit dim - why does she think it's not possible to work with children? People do it all the time, for heaven's sake. And why did she give up work as soon as she married, given that she didn't, if I'm reading the OP right, have children yet?

If I were a less humane person, OP, I would suggest that every time she starts nagging you about having children, you start talking to her about getting a job to help their finances, and give her something to think about other than your childbearing... No, it's none of your business, but then neither is your decision to have children or not hers.

[KitZacJak]

Maybe she is a bit lonely and would love you to have kids so that you can hang out together and share the stresses and joys of parenthood! She probably feels a bit overwhelmed if they have financial problems and live in a small flat.

[HanSolo]

If you wanted to annoy her, you could constantly ask her when she's going back to work? They'll never get out of a onebed flat if she doesn't. (Presumably she's not on maternity leave?)
But you wouldn't say that, would you, because everyone makes their own choices about how they wish to lead their lives.
Ignore her.
If you find it hard to cope with comments and nosiness now, don't get pregnant is all I'll say!
The whole world has an opinion on everything once you're upduffed!

[JadeFeather]

It's true that I don't understand her life choices. But I can ultimately accept that her choices may be right for her and beyond my understanding, which is why when I find myself thinking those things I tell myself to not be judgemental and I would never dream of giving her advice on how to live.
I have no doubt that children can be just as enjoyable as travelling, if not more! That's why I hope to have them some day :) I know for a fact that she desperately wants to travel but they can't because of finances.
Even if we are unhappy and not ready to commit, it's none of her business really. Telling my MIL she must tell us to have kids is over stepping the mark a bit of all she is is concerned about the state of our reltionship.

[Salimali15]

Tell her, in no uncertain terms, to mind her own business! You said that you go out of your way to avoid talking about the nice things in your life to avoid upsetting her, but she is not giving you that courtesy in return. She is trying to push her life choices onto you and not caring about your feelings. It may sound brutal, but if she is not getting the message, try 'bugging' her about something e.g. ask her when she is going back to work, remind her that she wouldn't have to live in a 1 bedroom flat then.....

[Polgara25]

She sounds like a nutter. You have sympathies.

I have an Aunt a bit like this. If she starts I just turn and walk away that or change the subject. Either way, if she continues she basically looks like the loon she is.

Also, ask her what sort of teaching job she's going to get when her children go to school - she'll have nothing else to do after all...

[Lweji]

It depends on the effect on you.

Are you affected in any way, other than just being annoyed?

You could just keep telling her that it's your decision and you'd appreciate other people not commenting on it.
Or tell her that all the pressure is damaging your marriage and it seems to affect your ability to conceive.
Or be forward and tell her that she is being rude and to stop giving any opinion on your life choices.
Or just ignore her and smile.

As for her motives, you have had different opinions, and who knows?

[JadeFeather]

I don't know if she ever really had a "choice" because she was brought up to think she didn't have one. She gave up work before children because she was brought up with all these traditional ideas that a woman is supposed to look after the home, cook nice meals for the husband etc. Maybe seeing me she is realising it is possible to have a choice even though I have married into this family?
I feel really annoyed when she says this stuff to me but once I've calmed down I want to understand where it comes from and if I can do anything to help (eg how I avoid talking about my life as much as possible). Maybe she is depressed and lonely. I guess she would never admit that to me though because children are all you need in life right!?
I'm thinking though I will probably need to talk to her about it and tell her to mind her business in a polite way. I don't want to create any tension.

[reni2]

Either: Why are you constantly asking me that? Or: When are you going back to work?

[JadeFeather]

I always end up thinking of sarcy comments about when she will work etc but that's just in my anger. I don't want to be cruel. I just don't want to keep hearing this stuff. It does upset me for about a day and makes me question my own choices and whether I am crazy for not having a child yet. I know I should be stronger than that!

[JadeFeather]

If I said when are you going back to workS would just say never! I am going to give my kids my full attention. What's the point in having kids if you're not there for them etc. Can't wait to hear what she will say when I have a child and go back after mat leave

[HanSolo]

One good thing you can do is ensure her children grow up with broader minds. I don't know how old they are at present, but could you take them (individually if you're not experienced with children, sorry I don't know whether you are) to places they wouldn't normally visit? Child friendly galleries, local family outing type places, that they might not get to do if money is tight. Doing it individually would also give her chance to have one-to-one time with the other child, which can be difficult in a teeny flat with two children.

[MoMoTy]

Her life sounds a bit miserable and sounds like she wants company just like her! What can she possibly gain or contribute to you if you do have a child. Nothing! So it's so obvious she's jealous. Doesn't sound like she has your best interests in mind.
You need to be firm and even rude to her if you have to, to get her to stop it.

[velourvoyageur]

Maybe she wants to legitimise her life choices by persuading someone else to do them. Lack of self confidence.

I'm 22 and had my first 'better hurry up' comment re: babies this holiday I did not like that

[DragAct]

Jade, from what you say, you may be right that your decision not to have a child yet is particularly perplexing to her because it's the first time (though really? Does she really only know people who give up work on marriage before they ever have children???) she has been confronted with the possibility of another kind of life, that might combine marriage with fun, or children with work and healthier finances.

And I don't have a great deal of patience with the 'she never had a choice because that's the way she was brought up' argument, if I'm honest. I was brought up that way, by a mother who married into an all-male household consisting of my father, his father, his great-uncle and his younger brother, and immediately took over all cooking, cleaning and housework, despite starting a horrible, very sick pregnancy straight from the honeymoon. The day she came home from hospital after having me, the great-uncle saw her feeding me and said 'Isn't there going to be any dinner made today?' I grew up being told that was normal. But I also figured out there were other ways to live by my mid-teens!

You would have to be very blinkered to think in the 21st century that it's normal to give up your job on marriage.

[CoraPirbright]

I think ChazsBrilliantAttitude sums it up perfectly. Its all about reinforcing that her own life choices are "correct".

But whatever her reasons, she needs to bog off and stop pestering you. I would avoid as much as possible and have a stock phrase to hand to repeat ad nauseam e.g."yes, I am looking forward to kids one day but it isn't right for us right now" or some such. You could even include a robotic monotone and glazed expression post second repetition. Or you could even do the mn head tilt and say "we are really happy with our choices. Why are you not happy with yours that you need us to follow the same path?" and watch her splutter.

None of her damn business. Your mil sounds nice, by the way.

[LidikaLikes]

OP, what age are you? What age is the cousin? I curious!

I gave up a good job to be a SAHM, but I don't bang on about it (not too much I hope...) DH has a good job, so we don't have £££ worries like your cousin seems to.

Kids are great, but my pre-kids life was also great too. I didn't cease to be Lidika once kids came along. Seems like your cousin has given up herself at the expense of her kids. Any chance you can find out what interests she has and maybe discuss similarities that aren't related to your wombs? Like talk about music, or films or something which is an easy middle ground.

Also, are her kids very young? I know that when mine were tiny I could barely tell you my date of birth, head was so stuffed with facts and anecdotes about the kids. Now they are a bit older I'm back in my own groove. Hopefully your cousin can find hers and get off your back a bit!!

[OneFlewOverTheDodosNest]

I've done things differently to my family, gone to university, moved away from home, got a job that's not in retail. Most people are fine with this and happy to see me when I get back, but a select few view my choices are a direct judgement on how they live.

My Dad's Aunt in particular got rather drunk and told me that I had ideas above my station and thought I was too good for them and that she was looking forward to the day when it all fell apart and I had to move back home and work in a shop like them.

I'm not suggesting that your DH's cousin is quite like this, but some people do feel that make different choices is judgemental.

[DragAct]

Snap, OneFlew, DH and I get this from some family members, too. Said with a 'woo hoo hoo, the big shots are back in town!' snide expression, as if we had just dismounted from a helipad dripping with diamonds.

[TheSecondViola]

Constant harrassment? It's your husbands cousin, how constant could it possibly be? Do you see her daily?

[OMGBabyNo3]

Also wondering how old you are and how old cousin is?

[JadeFeather]

She is 32 now and had her first baby at 27. I'm 28 now.
It's constant in that it's every time I see her. We see her about 5-6 time a year probably. So yeah it's not daily thank god!!!
Lidika you are right that she seems to have given up on herself. My husband told me before she got married she would be really interested in hearing about his ambitions etc and now she seems indifferent. She doesn't really have any interests. She asked my husband how his work is recently, he told her a bit and then said "how about you how are things, what do you get up to?" To which she said "oh you know I am just at home with the kids, nothing else really"

[OohMavis]

Hmm. It must be a bit irritating but 5-6 times a year can hardly count as harrassment.

Not to be rude, but you seem very eager to talk about how shit her life is and how desperately unhappy she must be as a SAHM - are you sure you're not being judgmental yourself?

[IJustLostTheGame]

She's envious and lonely. She wants you to be in the same situation so she can have, in her mind, an equal friend.
Tell her the 50s are over.
Or just walk away stating 'different lives make different choices' whenever she starts banging on.

Whilst I appreciate how you feel, I would feel the same and yanbu, I can't help but feel a bit sorry for her.