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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you know anyone who has never had a partner?

137 replies

pimpyourprosecco · 06/01/2016 18:42

A thread in relationships made me think of this (the person in question was very young) but do you know anyone who's a bit on in years who has never been in a relationship?

Would it put you off being with them?

OP posts:
ItsANewDayToday · 06/01/2016 21:53

I know a woman in her 50's who has never dated and still lives with her Mum. She is lively and fun. She is vey religious but I'd have thought that might make finding a partner easier as she has such a great social life with her church. I presume she doesn't want a partner but I wouldn't dream of asking.

When I meet people who have never had partners I don't feel sorry for them or automatically think there is some 'issue'. I think it suits some people. I suspect there are a lot of people in relationships who wished they had always stayed single.

Its sad though if someone wants a partner and can't get one.

Singingholly16 · 06/01/2016 22:26

Yes, a very good friend of ours is 35 and has never even shared a kiss with someone or shown much interest in women. He has recently moved out of his parents' house and lives alone. We are a friendship group of couples and he is the only singleton but It's not a subject we talk about. Years ago he did say he wasn't interested in having a girlfriend so I assume that's still the case.

DatsunCherry · 06/01/2016 22:33

My DB didn't have any relationship we knew about until he was 42. DM was convinced he was gay. Hmm 10 years later he's happily married with 2 DC.

PuppyMouse · 06/01/2016 22:34

School friend has never been in a relationship.

Unfortunately since everyone in our group got married and had children she's been very distant and tends to surround herself with either fellow singles or troubled friends in need. Suspect she may have spent so much time looking after others she missed the boat for herself Sad

Sparklycat · 06/01/2016 22:36

Yep my friend in her 30s, she's seen a couple of people but nothing serious.

Babyroobs · 06/01/2016 22:40

I had a couple of friends at Uni who had never dated and were in their late twenties. They both were holding out for a gorgeous muscly hunk to come along and wouldn't consider any man more average looking. Both lovely women but unrealistic.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 06/01/2016 22:44

yes a guy I used to work with

lived with his mum, he was in his 40's. she died and he suddenly came alive - what a sad situation

but i last heard he had married and was very happy

DickDewy · 06/01/2016 22:46

I have a colleague who has never had a partner.

He is 48 and has Asperger's.

Egosumquisum · 06/01/2016 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuluJakey1 · 06/01/2016 23:01

Yes, a teacher who DH works with. Never had a relationship. 40, overly friendly with everyone- to the point where her boundaries are just 'out' and people physically move away from her as she gets too close. Leans in and whispers to people and you can see them lean away.
Irish and makes a big thing of it which makes people uncomfortable as it feels false- she seems to think it is 'cute' in some way and lays the colloquialisms on and the quaint ways to impress but it has the opposite effect. Is like 'Mrs Brown'.
House is filthy- she asked us round for drinks. Absolutely filthy- dog wee, filthy carpets, dirty underwear on the kitchen floor and bathroom floor, stained chairs and sofa. We stayed an hour and had one drink.
She throws herself at men- asked DH's friend to her family home in Ireland to meet her parents the day after his girlfriend dumped him. Then began following him around the school, he was really uncomfortable because every time he turned she was there- lending him books, making him cakes, very obvious flirting, too close to him. She went from zero to 100% attention within a week when his girlfriend left. Took 2 months of him almost ignoring her before it stopped.
She just does not 'get' people. Social networking mad and continually tweets me - barely knows me and I never respond. Wants to babysit DS (not in a million years), asked if she could take him out for a day, a week after meeting us when DH started there and DS was 9 months old. Has called round to collect some work related paperwork from DH and sat with us for 5 hours and said almost nothing. In the end DH told her she had to leave as it was 11 pm and we were going to bed.
Very strange woman. I felt a bit sorry for her at first but she has no stop button. She never takes the hint. I have no idea whether she is a nice person because there is something just odd that makes people not want to get on close terms- men and women.
Very poor personal hygiene.
She seems unaware of all of this. I don't think she has a mental health problem, she just has learned this behaviour and it is ingrained in her. It is as if she has no internal,warning system.

ReadyPlayerOne · 06/01/2016 23:05

My cousin who will be 30 in Autumn has to my knowledge never had a partner. She lives quite a free spirited life travelling and living in different countries and she's very outgoing with lots of friends, but she has never seemed to be in a relationship.

doitanyways · 06/01/2016 23:09

Gosh lulu, hope she isn't on Mumsnet! Shock

Treats · 06/01/2016 23:18

Close family member - 35, now living alone but lived with parents for a long time. Lacks confidence due to underachievemen at school and has been unlucky with jobs etc. (although working now). Just doesn't appear to be interested. But seems happy enough.

LadyMaryofDownt0n · 06/01/2016 23:19

From reding some of these and experience it seems that somehow "they" get odder & odder the longer they live alone/stay single Hmm

Toadinthehole · 06/01/2016 23:35

egosum

That's it for many people. There's the expectation on society that you must have a partner. It's seen as the norm and if you don't - or aren't looking, some people will judge you or try to match you up.

I think this is slightly harsh. It is the norm that people have a partner, and it is unusual for a person never to have had one. There is of course nothing right or wrong about this, but it does provoke reactions which however misguided do come from sympathy or concern.

My DSis is nearly 50 and has never had a serious partner. When younger she was painfully shy and really struggled with self-esteem issues. While she is OK now, those issues have caused her to keep very much to herself so she has never had or wanted a serious partner. While this is of course her choice (and I would never judge her or try to fix her up) I absolutely believe she would be happier and less isolated if things had worked out differently for her.

I also have a friend - educated in a boys' private school, no sisters, conservative Christian, rather shy generally and painfully shy and inept around women, but a great bloke. No girlfriend until he was about 34 when he met his DW who is hot very vivacious and winkled him out of his shell. They've been married about 5-6 years now and seem very happy.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 07/01/2016 02:06

DHs nephew is in his mid 30s and has never had a serious relationship.
He seems to think that only someone who looks like a supermodel, is a genius, earns at least six figures, is a gourmet chef, and an interior designer will do.
He is mediocre being kind and is basically deluding his little self Confused

knobblyknee · 07/01/2016 02:12

An elderly neighbour of mine is the only one I can think of. I dont discuss it with her as she seems completely asexual.

elementofsurprise · 07/01/2016 03:01

I've not had a serious relationship/a partner. Have had boyfriends from late teens to mid 20's, all highly unsuitable in some way/abusive etc.

I'm not looking now because I just can't deal with the kinds of men who seem to be attracted to me.

I'd love a partner and children though - just no idea how to go about it because looking = a bit contrived or with a dodgy man, IME.

I'm 30, I hope it's not too late.

elementofsurprise · 07/01/2016 03:10

Also, I do find it a suprise/weird if people assume I must be desperate for a partner, or say unprovoked "reassuring" things that make me feel inadequate for not being coupled up when actually I was quite enjoying being single... As if people are desperately needing to be in a relationship all the time.

Perhaps my brain hasn't caught up with my age and it's actually no longer weird to expect to be in a relationship? Should I have left the "being yourself" lark behind in my early 20's?

It's the worry I'll never meet someone/have children that gets me - I'm not actually missing it/wanting it right now!

Doublebubblebubble · 07/01/2016 03:26

Yup a guy in his 30's. He's a nice enough bloke but he's just never had a girlfriend. He's a very good friend of dh. He plays a lot of video games (I would call him a gaming addict) and doesn't really like to socialise. its an effort to get him out of his room

EBearhug · 07/01/2016 03:33

I had maiden aunts (great-aunts, actually,) though one apparently has a fiance, but he never returned from the war. I work in IT, and I'very had a number of colleagues over the years who have never been in a relationship. And then I never had a boyfriend till after I'd finished uni, and apart from the first 6 months with him in the same town, those relationships I have had have all been distance relationships, with the assistance of EasyJet... I dunno, I just don't seem to be that loveable, and having spent so much time on my own, I am very used to doing as I please, without having to consider others, and I'm not very tolerant of other people's foibles. Besides, most people I see outside of work are all in couples, so I just don't know any single men these days, except the ones at work who are mostly single for good reason (one has had to have a word from management about personal hygiene, for example.) Probably too old to have children now - it bothered me more 5 years ago.

I agree that coupled on is the norm - but I think there are a lot more single people around than might be realised - our society often treats single people as less significant, and it can be easy to vanish from view if you wish. I sometimes wonder how long it would take people to notice if I died.

SteveBrucesNose · 07/01/2016 03:34

My SIL. But she's a nasty vindicate trout who not even her family like and they have to tiptoe around her to avoid upsetting her. She also doesn't have friends. Nobody else would put up with her.

Egosumquisum · 07/01/2016 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 07/01/2016 08:12

I have a single aunt and a single uncle. It is totally possible that they both have had relationships and just been very very private about it, but I donèt think so.

The equivalent of a spinster is a bachelor. I think my uncle might be describes as a confirmed bachelor and my aunt as a maiden aunt (she is very Catholic so Ièd be really surprised if she had sex without being married).

My uncle has always had lodgers and my brother is convinced that he is gay (see Catholic thing above). I am not convinced. However they both seem happy, and while people do get into relationships at all times of life as they are in their 70s I think itès probably unlikely now.

cleaty · 07/01/2016 09:14

I can totally understand someone not wanting a serious relationship or a live in partner/to get married. But I do find it surprising when people have never had any kind of relationship or date at all.