DB and badly behaved nephews. AIBU to refuse to help and also limited contact?

[jacks11]

I am really at the end of my tether.

My DB and I are not close and don't get on. Very long backstory to it all. We have had yet another row and I don't think I have over-reacted- but dad thinks I have. DM agrees that they are taking the piss.

I have had my nephew's over the last 2 days (one night) as my brother's FIL has been in hospital acutely unwell. I thought SIL/DB have been helping SIL's DM to look after SIL uncle who her DM cares for (he has learning difficulties and now has dementia), so agreed to help out. Normally, we don't have much contact, but I agreed to help in the circumstances.

DN's have been a nightmare! I have tried to make some allowances as older DN (14) is on the autistic spectrum. Younger DN is 5. By way of example, neither seem to understand the word no, they will only do what you ask if they want to. They have broken several things in the house (I think through utter carelessness). They picked what they wanted for dinner (both days) but half way through decided they didn't want it and demanded something else (lunches went without incident). Eldest DN threw a hissy fit when I said I wasn't going to make anything else as he had chosen what he wanted and had eaten most of it. I do understand he has issues with food, which is why he got to chose what he ate. I know he can be very specific, so I made sure brand of pizza was his usual, the right type of ham/cheese for sandwiches etc. I do, however, draw the line and making multiple different meals during the same sitting and having them both eat 1/2 a meal and then demand another meal be produced.

I have had to tell younger DN several times to stop harassing the cats (including pulling their tails) and have had to shut the dogs in the kitchen today as he will not stop tormenting them and I was worried one of them might snap (for the record, none of the dogs has ever bitten or even growled at anyone, it is just that I think even the best natured and most reliable dog can snap if put in the wrong situation).

When DB/SIL came to pick up the boys, I had to tell youngest DN- again- to please stop poking the cat. In front of SIL and DB, who didn't say a word. I also said if he got scratched then he'd only have himself to blame and he'd be the one in trouble. SIL got really cross, said she couldn't believe I would allow DN to get hurt and then blame him for it. I explained that I had spoken to DN several times about leaving the cats (and dogs) alone but that he just kept ignoring me. She kept going on about "he's too little to understand and he doesn't mean it, leave poor little xx alone". I said that I felt that 5 is old enough to understand that you need to do as you are told by an adult and that you need to treat animals and other people with respect. DB backed SIL up and said I was being pernickety and if my pets aren't safe they shouldn't be in the house!

SIL then treated me to a lecture on child-rearing, and how I was expecting too much of her "poor little baby" (by expecting him to do as he's told, to respect other people and their belongings etc) and she felt sorry for my DD having "all these rules"- which I felt was a bit much as I was doing them a favour and also given their DC's less than perfect behaviour. I don't think my DD is a saint, but I would be horrified if she behaved the way DN's have done over the last few days.

I said something along the lines of "we'll just have to agree to differ, but in my house I'm afraid we go by my rules or not at all". DB and SIL were both very rude and angry about the whole situation and brought up a lot of things from the past where they feel they have been treated unfairly (mainly related to inheritance from DGM). I admit to losing my temper somewhat and said that if I was that bad then I can't see why they would leave their DC's with me in the first place, but that I had been appalled at DN's behaviour and given what had just been said, in future they could find someone else to help them with childcare, as I certainly wouldn't be and suggested they leave.

DB phoned this evening to ask if I will have the boys next weekend as he and SIL are "very stressed and need a break". No apology. I have refused to help and am apparently "a poor excuse for a sister". Cue more whining about how unfair it is that they are skint, the discrepancy between our lifestyle and theirs etc. I just said I was not willing to help with childcare anymore and I'd prefer it if we just left contact to essentials- such as to do with parents etc- for now as I am so infuriated with them.

Also just found out they helped with SIL's uncle for 1 morning and afternoon, then her brother came through to help. So they could have picked the boys up yesterday, but decided to have the weekend to themselves. I am beyond furious.

I admit I probably shouldn't have lost my temper, and on the surface it isn't really a massive issue. It isn't even the worst thing they have done. But it is just one more example of DB being so utterly inconsiderate of others and taking the piss that I don't think I can continue to put up with him/SIL. DF thinks DN's need their family. I'm not sure that it is my responsibility, in the circumstances.

A child with autism is capable of a 'hissy fit'.

Surely whether OP handled the older nephew appropriately is irrelevant

She handled them as best she could in the circumstances. The problem really wasn't with the boys was it? It was with the adults.

If/when my 5 year old (or my 10 year old) is told off by anybody for doing something they shouldn't I say... NOTHING. If I feel it was a bit harsh I say to them afterwards "I wouldn't have told you off for that but in other peoples houses, their rules apply"

Having a hissy fit (the adults) with someone who has done you a favour and wants more is incredibly dozy.

And talking of "abandoning" the boys is patently ridiculous they have two competent (allegedly) parents, family on SIL's side as well as OP's father.

I don't let him but no he doesn't know - but would you have a go at someone who said to him "don't pull the cats tail or she will scratch you"

i remember your prev posts, op. You know that MN thinks you are nbu, but what i want to know is when you are going nc with these obnoxious, super entitled twats? You cannot save your nephews- they have been landed with poor parents by the accident of birth. Same has landed you with this brother. But we all have choices. I made mine with my brother many decades ago and have never regretted it. I am sorry for my nephew but i cannot save him either.

Kewcumber- I was responding to the poster who said there is no reason why a 5 year shouldn't comprehend this. I don't allow my son in touching distance of animals because he doesn't understand he may hurt or upset them. I also get annoyed when people allow their animals to get too close because I don't know what his reaction will be.

Telling him off would be pointless because he won't understand what is being said but I would only say so if I thought the animals owner had caused the problem.

honkinghaddock

You ask a fair question. My 'experience or training in autism':

I am a primary school teacher and have taught many children with ASD both pre and post diagnosis. As a consequence, I have also been on many training courses over the years. In fact our school has an inset day today and our morning training was on ASD.

Further, my 11 year old step-son has ASD. He has food issues which we are extremely mindful and supportive of but he also has manners.

My point is that, taking into consideration everything in the OP and the updates, the 14 year old's behaviour sounds very much tinged by his parenting. Not everything a child with ASD does has to be as a consequence of their ASD. Just like everyone else, influences come from all over the place - none more so than their parents!

That is just my opinion though!

Of course YANBU they're both bloody idiots and there is no exscuse for they're child being spiteful to any animal.

We have 5DC,2 of our DC are autistic,our youngest DD8 autism is on the more extreme end of the spectrum but she has never tried to hurt any of the family pets.She was one of the only Nursery children that was trusted to help look after the nursery guinea pigs when she was only 3 years old.

Empathy can be taught,it is alot harder in general for children that are autistic but it can still be done.

Your brother and SIL need to stop making excuses for they're youngest because if they don't knock this on the head now they're going to have alot more serious problems in the future with they're youngest.
I honestly wouldn't babysit for them again,they sound very entitled.

My son doesn't try to hurt animals but he doesn't understand that doing certain things will hurt them. I don't think he understands what animals are. I get this probably isn't true of the child in the op.

"My son doesn't try to hurt animals but he doesn't understand that doing certain things will hurt them. I don't think he understands what animals are"

In my experience, in general children who haven't been taught how to be around animals are like that. Children who set out to hurt animals are another kettle of fish and very frightening.

YANBU - I am gobsmacked that after you had a big row with them they still had the temerity to ask you to have the DNs again!!!???

Just say no and stick to it.

Another one here who thinks you handled your DB and SIL brilliantly.

Good on you for refusing to enable their behaviour by having their kids after they have been rude to you.

YANBU

I too remember the previous threads. I also remember that your younger nephew was still in nappies a few months ago. Is this still the case? I'm wondering if there are either some additional needs there too (which might account for some of his behaviour), or if it's symptomatic of your sil's tendency to baby him.

Either way, YANBU. From everything I remember, as well as on here, you've bent over backwards for your db and sil and they're just taking the piss all-round.