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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DB and badly behaved nephews. AIBU to refuse to help and also limited contact?

88 replies

jacks11 · 03/01/2016 23:18

I am really at the end of my tether.

My DB and I are not close and don't get on. Very long backstory to it all. We have had yet another row and I don't think I have over-reacted- but dad thinks I have. DM agrees that they are taking the piss.

I have had my nephew's over the last 2 days (one night) as my brother's FIL has been in hospital acutely unwell. I thought SIL/DB have been helping SIL's DM to look after SIL uncle who her DM cares for (he has learning difficulties and now has dementia), so agreed to help out. Normally, we don't have much contact, but I agreed to help in the circumstances.

DN's have been a nightmare! I have tried to make some allowances as older DN (14) is on the autistic spectrum. Younger DN is 5. By way of example, neither seem to understand the word no, they will only do what you ask if they want to. They have broken several things in the house (I think through utter carelessness). They picked what they wanted for dinner (both days) but half way through decided they didn't want it and demanded something else (lunches went without incident). Eldest DN threw a hissy fit when I said I wasn't going to make anything else as he had chosen what he wanted and had eaten most of it. I do understand he has issues with food, which is why he got to chose what he ate. I know he can be very specific, so I made sure brand of pizza was his usual, the right type of ham/cheese for sandwiches etc. I do, however, draw the line and making multiple different meals during the same sitting and having them both eat 1/2 a meal and then demand another meal be produced.

I have had to tell younger DN several times to stop harassing the cats (including pulling their tails) and have had to shut the dogs in the kitchen today as he will not stop tormenting them and I was worried one of them might snap (for the record, none of the dogs has ever bitten or even growled at anyone, it is just that I think even the best natured and most reliable dog can snap if put in the wrong situation).

When DB/SIL came to pick up the boys, I had to tell youngest DN- again- to please stop poking the cat. In front of SIL and DB, who didn't say a word. I also said if he got scratched then he'd only have himself to blame and he'd be the one in trouble. SIL got really cross, said she couldn't believe I would allow DN to get hurt and then blame him for it. I explained that I had spoken to DN several times about leaving the cats (and dogs) alone but that he just kept ignoring me. She kept going on about "he's too little to understand and he doesn't mean it, leave poor little xx alone". I said that I felt that 5 is old enough to understand that you need to do as you are told by an adult and that you need to treat animals and other people with respect. DB backed SIL up and said I was being pernickety and if my pets aren't safe they shouldn't be in the house!

SIL then treated me to a lecture on child-rearing, and how I was expecting too much of her "poor little baby" (by expecting him to do as he's told, to respect other people and their belongings etc) and she felt sorry for my DD having "all these rules"- which I felt was a bit much as I was doing them a favour and also given their DC's less than perfect behaviour. I don't think my DD is a saint, but I would be horrified if she behaved the way DN's have done over the last few days.

I said something along the lines of "we'll just have to agree to differ, but in my house I'm afraid we go by my rules or not at all". DB and SIL were both very rude and angry about the whole situation and brought up a lot of things from the past where they feel they have been treated unfairly (mainly related to inheritance from DGM). I admit to losing my temper somewhat and said that if I was that bad then I can't see why they would leave their DC's with me in the first place, but that I had been appalled at DN's behaviour and given what had just been said, in future they could find someone else to help them with childcare, as I certainly wouldn't be and suggested they leave.

DB phoned this evening to ask if I will have the boys next weekend as he and SIL are "very stressed and need a break". No apology. I have refused to help and am apparently "a poor excuse for a sister". Cue more whining about how unfair it is that they are skint, the discrepancy between our lifestyle and theirs etc. I just said I was not willing to help with childcare anymore and I'd prefer it if we just left contact to essentials- such as to do with parents etc- for now as I am so infuriated with them.

Also just found out they helped with SIL's uncle for 1 morning and afternoon, then her brother came through to help. So they could have picked the boys up yesterday, but decided to have the weekend to themselves. I am beyond furious.

I admit I probably shouldn't have lost my temper, and on the surface it isn't really a massive issue. It isn't even the worst thing they have done. But it is just one more example of DB being so utterly inconsiderate of others and taking the piss that I don't think I can continue to put up with him/SIL. DF thinks DN's need their family. I'm not sure that it is my responsibility, in the circumstances.

OP posts:

NadiaWadia · 04/01/2016 00:14

Have you posted about your 'D'B and SIL before? I seem to remember something about them demanding a lift at their convenience, and your B being disinherited (which he strongly resents) because he had taken stuff from your GM?

Please say if I've got the wrong poster! But I have to say they sound awful. It was so kind of you to help out, and they have walked all over you. The cheek of them! Perhaps if they were better parents they wouldn't feel the need for all these 'breaks' from their DCs at everyone else's expense. Maybe write them a letter clearly stating why you won't be helping them out again?

Original poster

jacks11 · 04/01/2016 00:14

Bill

I didn't intend to say much about their behaviour, as I didn't see the point and it would only cause an argument.

I did reprimand DN in front of his parents for poking the cat (again) and SIL became cross that I had told him if he got hurt he'd only have himself to blame because he had been told more than once not to do it (and why). She felt it was inappropriate to expect a 5 year old to do what he was told and kept going on about it and how unfair I was being to her son and how she felt sorry for DD. I actually had not mentioned any of the rest of the poor behaviour at that point, so it's not like I launched into regaling her with the litany of bad behaviour over the last few days the moment she walked in the door.

I take your point that she might be a bit raw though. DB has no such excuse.

And she is no longer sharing care of an elderly relative, she did it for one day. Now her brother is helping his DM with their uncle.

I won't be apologising though.

OP posts:

Damselindestress · 04/01/2016 00:16

BillSykesDog It may not have been great timing but the OP didn't actually start the argument, just asked her DN (for the 100th time) to leave her cat alone, which her SIL took offence too.

emotionsecho · 04/01/2016 00:16

BillSykesDog there is a long history behind this, it's not a one off incident and bearing that in mind the OP is understandably at the end of her tether.

OP, you are not a stuck record, you've gone above and beyond on numerous occasions, you've tried and tried and it never improves. I understand your father's concerns but realistically you can do nothing, your db and sil won't let you do anything, try and make your dad understand that.

Damselindestress · 04/01/2016 00:16

*to

sleeponeday · 04/01/2016 00:18

BillSykes as others have said, there's a long history behind this of the brother being an arse, if I have the right poster.

echt · 04/01/2016 00:25

Er...read the OP's OP, BillSykesDog.

It was the DB who attacked her for being "pernickety" and the SIL who lectured her on childrearing.

The OP did not tell the DB and SIL how "awful" the children were. All remarks were about behaviour, and objective. There is difference.

OP did not tell her what shit parent she was.

All the angst come as a result of the children not being managed by their own parents at handover.

ExBallerina · 04/01/2016 00:28

YA sooooooo NBU.

I think you handled it absolutely perfectly, given the circumstances.

emotionsecho · 04/01/2016 00:30

In response to the question in your title jacks, no you are not being unreasonable and yes you should limit contact.

Original poster

jacks11 · 04/01/2016 00:32

Nadia/sleep

Yes, that was me. Same brother, same issues.

I get that he resents me and I think he likes winding me up. I also think they are inconsiderate at the best of times, so probably don't even realise they are doing it some of the time.

I just need to ignore them and have minimal contact (i.e. at family things where I can't avoid them)- it will probably be better from their point of view too. I will just need to be firmer with DF too!

OP posts:

Atenco · 04/01/2016 00:44

That was dreadful, OP. I feel so sorry for your DNs, they are going to be so inadapted to a world that will not revolve around them.

summerainbow · 04/01/2016 00:56

if you do.ever babysit again do not do do in your house. you don't want animals getting hurt.

Thornrose · 04/01/2016 01:00

Eldest DN threw a hissy fit when I said I wasn't going to make anything else as he had chosen what he wanted and had eaten most of it.

You said the oldest has autism, so calling it "throwing a hissy fit" when you know he has food issues isn't really a fair comment is it? It shows little understanding of his needs and how thy impact on the family.

Apart from that YANBU.

Bettercallsaul1 · 04/01/2016 01:22

I think you have a very legitimate reason not to have your nephews again after the way they treated your pets. Your dogs and cats are living, vulnerable creatures and are a permanent, non-negotiable part of your household and, if the five-year-old won't stop poking and tormenting them, he shouldn't be allowed in the house. The fact that his parents actually criticised you for defending your cat against attack, instead of backing you up strongly, would completely confirm my decision not to have them in the house again.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 04/01/2016 01:27

Cant believe he even asked you to have them again!! That speaks volumes!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/01/2016 01:45

Oh you are so NBU.

My Ds2 is 3 and he both understands the word "no" and knows not to hurt animals. Unless your DN2 also has SN/learning issues then the only reason he doesn't is because your B and SIL have failed to teach him.

I can NOT believe the cheek of them asking you to take DNs again, especially after the SIL's rant at you and your parenting, and feeling sorry for your DD - she obviously doesn't think you're that bad or she wouldn't be subjecting her precious snowflakes to your "reign of tyranny" again, would she?!

Definitely stick to your guns. I have issues with my own brother - he really hates me, won't be in the same room or talk to me, and I don't have any time for him after his behaviour when my Mum died (didn't have much before then, tbf) and my parents were always trying to get us to "be friends" - couldn't be done, there was too much antipathy (fostered by his now-ex GF). Mum used to be upset about it while also having her own issues with him (he had told my sister that he couldn't stand any of us really and once our grandparents died, he wouldn't bother with any of us - but then he had his own DC and so he does just about stay in touch with my Dad now - sees him 2-3 times a year for anything between 3 hours and 2 days). IN response to Dad pleading, I have made a couple of overtures to mend bridges and received nothing in response, so I don't bother any more. It still hurts Dad but he can't do anything about it, and my brother is implacable.

You can't do much for your DNs while they're under your brother's roof anyway; once they're older, you might be able to be a haven for them if they need it, but they might be unbearable then as well. Not really your responsibility - they have 2 parents who should learn to parent them effectively.

catherinealways · 04/01/2016 02:08

The root of the problem is the will.I guess you got left more? I have seen it happen in so many families.

TendonQueen · 04/01/2016 02:16

YANBU. If your dad thinks you're overreacting, when is he going to offer to take them for the weekend and look after them all by himself?

knobblyknee · 04/01/2016 02:25

YANBU. I'm shocked that anyone with an autistic child thinks kids dont need rules and boundaries, or that its ok to let them tease animals.
Stick to your guns!

Original poster

jacks11 · 04/01/2016 02:56

catherine

the problems between us started a long time before the issue with DGM's will. I think that has simply exacerbated things. He was not left anything by DGM because of his own actions.

OP posts:

Original poster

jacks11 · 04/01/2016 03:10

knobbly

DN was not diagnosed until age of 10 for a number of reasons, so I think they have found it hard to adjust and they don't really follow CAHM's advice. SIL feels that the strategies they have given don't work, but they only seem to give them a few days or weeks before declaring they don't work. I don't know why for sure, suspect it is because he can have meltdowns when they try to make changes and it is easier to give in, so it becomes a vicious circle.

Added to this is that SIL's dad has very fixed views about this issue and he can be quite forceful about it from what has been said. DN spent a large part of his childhood living with his GPs (SIL parents) and SIL/DB do tend to go along with things he says when it comes DN (DN is my brother's DSS). I don't entirely get why they go along with him, perhaps DB and SIL don't want to rock the boat? Her parents do help out a lot with childcare for both their boys.

OP posts:

Aussiemum78 · 04/01/2016 05:00

This might be really petty, but after they say they feel sorry for your dd, I'd be waiting for the day when the kids grow up and your dd is the only well adjusted adult.

They sound pretty inadequate as parents.

If you do have them again, do it because of DNs, don't do it as a favour to do, and make it clear that the standard is my house, my rules. If they don't behave they will be dropped back home.

venividivicky · 04/01/2016 05:07

YANBU. Why should you act as an unpaid childminder? I wouldn't dream of imposing on relatives like that especially if one of the DC had special needs. It's a huge ask. And then to leave them with you for an extra night is completely unacceptable.

I would try to keep relations cordial but say that you can't have them again becaue you can't guarantee their safety with the animals, so it's for their own good.

MidniteScribbler · 04/01/2016 05:45

No one, adult or child, who is unkind to my animals would be welcome in my home.

Learningtoletgo · 04/01/2016 06:50

^^ what Midnite said.

My toddler knows to be nice to the dog! Kids need to be taught to respect animals which unfortunately your DNs don't seem to have been.

Life is too short for this shit. Go low contact and focus on your own house.

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