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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think selfishness is inherently bred into men?

108 replies

Notimefortossers · 03/01/2016 20:58

Literally never met a man that didn't put himself first. Give me some hope MN'ers . . . there are unselfish men out there . . . right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Notimefortossers · 03/01/2016 21:18

Ok, so what about in the context of parenting?

I personally feel that my children's needs should always come before my own, since they're little and didn't ask to be born! I know some MN'ers would call me a 'mummy martyr' for that - though I really don't understand that term because isn't a martyr some that's killed for religious reasons?

So it really pisses me off that my DH will often put his own needs before the childrens. Though I mentioned a specific incidence to him this evening and he had no retort and fell silent . . . so maybe it is just the unthinking thing a pp mentioned and he doesn't realise.

In which case . . . new AIBU . . . to think that stupidity is bred into all men? (lighthearted) Wink

However, I also know as a pp said that in a life or death situation he'd take a bullet for any one of us without giving it a second thought.

This was supposed to be more of a general post though, because in my wonderings over DH's behaviour this evening I just started thinking, actually I've never met a man who DIDN'T behave that way. Dad, brothers, friends, friends partners.

So there's really no point in LTB'ing over it because the chances of me finding one who isn't selfish is slim Wink

OP posts:
PrincessMouse · 03/01/2016 21:20

"I never thought I'd love anyone more than myself"

WTF? No wonder his an ex.

amitha · 03/01/2016 21:24

I think men get away with being more selfish than women. I am pretty selfish, but I think of others then make sure there is time for me and my stuff. My DH will generally do stuff for other people if asked, but it doesn't strike him to do it off his own back.

Oakmaiden · 03/01/2016 21:26

Being selfish isn't always bad. Sometimes people should be more selfish.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 03/01/2016 21:27

I guess so. Shoot me down OTheHugeManatee Wink

In all seriousness, I'd like to think I'm not a sexist, which is why I'm asking for other people's tales on unselfish men, because genuinely in my own experience. I've never met one.

However I've had DS running around for me today bringing me food in bed as I'm a bit poorly. Hopefully he will turn out to be one of the good ones.

This is my hope. We have a relatively new DS. He's nearly 1. I'd like to think I'll be able to parent him to be 'one of the good ones' . . . but if his father keeps behaving like a tit, won't that be really hard for me?!

I never thought I'd love anyone more than myself

Lol. Thanks for your entire post. It's the perfect anecdote for what I'm feeling and made me laugh too

OP posts:
PrincessMouse · 03/01/2016 21:28

I think maybe you are projecting your own RL experience with your DH onto all men.

Be assured Op not all men are selfish. I honestly can't think of a time when I have become resentful or pissed of with DH because I have felt he hasn't put DD first. He also dose some very thoughtful and unselfish things for me.

Regardless of gender I think we can all be selfish or self centred at times. It's just some people (men or women) are much more selfish.

LuluJakey1 · 03/01/2016 21:29

I am much more selfish than DH.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 03/01/2016 21:29

Being selfish isn't always bad. Sometimes people should be more selfish.

I agree actually . . . but even when it comes to your DC?

OP posts:
captaincake · 03/01/2016 21:29

My DH isn't in the slightest bit selfish.

Oakmaiden · 03/01/2016 21:29

In relation to your second post - it depends. So often when people talking about needs they actually mean wants. If your partner is refusing to feed/change/put child to bed when they are tired you are right. Otherwise - possibly not.

ghostyslovesheep · 03/01/2016 21:29

yes - YOUR partner is not all men - stop projecting

some people are more selfish than others regardless of genitalia

Oakmaiden · 03/01/2016 21:31

How old are your children? That makes a difference too. My children are 10, 12 and 17. I was eating a Terry's chocolate orange today. They all wanted some. I wouldn't share. I wanted it. They had loads of chocolate and stuff for Christmas, and ate it all. I just had one choc orange and ate it today. Selfish of me - yes. But it was my chocolate. They have to learn they can't always have just because they want.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 03/01/2016 21:32

It is a little bit projecting PrincessMouse . . . but also as I said, it's not just him. It's all the men in my family, my friends, my friends partners.

But ok, there seem to be a lot of you who have bagged yourself unselfish me . . . so should I LTB? (lighthearted I think it's ridiculous that we have to state when we are being lighthearted)

OP posts:
Fugghetaboutit · 03/01/2016 21:33

My H is incredibly selfish and unthoughtful. He's not being nasty, it's just how he is/was raised. His mother did everything for him and didn't teach him empathy or to help others - although he's good with strangers. He wouldn't think to fetch me medicine if I were ill or feed ds unless I said something though.

Drives me insane.

cleaty · 03/01/2016 21:35

The women and children first in the Titanic was enforced by the Captain using his gun.

MoMoTy · 03/01/2016 21:36

Just because you got stuck with a bad one, doesn't mean that all men are like this. My dh is one of the most thoughtful, kindest people I know. Same goes for most of the men I men I do know.

PrincessMouse · 03/01/2016 21:38

Based on the little we know I don't think you should LTB unless his abusive or you are extreamly unhappy but if all the male "roles" in your life behave this way then I would question why they are allowed to get away with it.

Without meaning to sound harsh, I am wondering in relation to your DC in what way is your DH selfish? If his always been this way then why have you not addressed it before?

roundaboutthetown · 03/01/2016 21:40

My df is the most selfless person I've ever met with respect to his own family. He has always had infinite patience, understanding and generosity and given us all unconditional love. I've never once known him prioritise himself over any of his children. So you are being unfair.

cleaty · 03/01/2016 21:41

And yes, I think men in general are ore selfish than women.

NameChanger22 · 03/01/2016 21:48

YANBU. I think every man I've ever met has been selfish. I have no men in my life now; just women, who are mostly lovely. I don't think I've just been unlucky.

I think women are conditioned (brainwashed) to see the good in men, when there is none. Some women realise eventually.

Bloooming · 03/01/2016 21:48

My husband is the most selfless person I know, and that translates to his parenting magnificently; a joy to watch.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 03/01/2016 21:49

*unselfish men

I don't think you were in the least bit unreasonable Oakmaiden. You're right. Age makes a difference and I'd do the same if my kids were the same ages as yours. Ours are 7,4 and 1.

I believe I'm talking about something in between a need and a want. Like something that would be best for them, but they will survive without.

OP posts:
TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 03/01/2016 21:50

Glad it cheered you up OP. Smile

On a more serious note I think that when it comes to family/children females are socialised to be the "go to" person. For example when pregnant I was asked if I was planning on returning to work - ex was never asked. Women tend to care for elderly relatives ( even their in laws ) more than men and in the working world care work tends to be a majority of women.

Women are socialised to care and men to be cared for... things seem to be changing for the better with each generation and hopefully our children will be the ones who finally crack true equality.

Ditsy4 · 03/01/2016 21:52

My best friend's son is gorgeous! Continually does things for everyone, looks after boys when he gets in,often makes the tea, visits his mum couple times a week. He is my fourth son:) love him to bits known him since he was 9 mths old.
My sons are good but don't always put themselves out but do a lot of the time. Eldest text me today to see if I would like him to bring some shopping because I'm not well. :)
Their father is selfish and has become more so the older he gets. Likes things his way. I find it difficult to deal with.

Dinobab · 03/01/2016 21:52

NameChanger22-ooooook then Hmm