PND?

[Lm90]

Hi there, regular poster, NC as I am a bit nervous I will be recognised.
Looking for advice but posted on aibu as I know it is always busy with lots of women who have been through difficult times relating to PND..
I'm 90% sure I have PND.. I convinced my myself at first that I don't. But I think I do. I keep thinking about going to the doctors but I am absolutely petrified they will start sending people round to check up on me and they will think I am unfit to look after my beautiful boy. He's 9mo and I love him so much I honestly do. I feel so guilty that I feel like this when he is so perfect.
I had an EMCS with no skin to skin for hours, I was so drugged up. I was so down at first and my HV appointed a lady to come see me once a week and makes sure I was ok. Then she stopped coming because she said I seem fine.
I am most of the time but sometimes I just cry and feel like a rubbish mum.
I'm so scared if I go to my gp or talk to my HV they will take my boy away from me because they think I am depressed. I know that's irrational but I'm just too scared.
I'm due back at work soon and my manager is horrible and picks on me and I hate my job and I cry at the thought of going back it we need the money. I am looking for something else.
Everything feels on top of me at the moment and I just want to feel happy again.
Has anybody else been here and now feel better?? Any advice appreciated.

Most mums are apprehensive about going back to work and a lot of mums lose confidence after childbirth as it is a very big deal.
Asking for help from a gp demonstrates that you are aware of the issue, rather than convincing yourself it isn't there.

I had very little confidence and now I have absolutely zilch.
I don't tell anybody in RL how I feel and everybody talks about how I'm coping so well and how I'm such a good mum but they don't see me sitting crying in bed at night. I just can't switch my brain off.
What kills me is that my son is perfect. He sleeps relatively well he eats well he's a perfect weight he's just easy going yet I still feel this way.

Your GP will NOT consider you an unfit mother of you say how you're feeling.

I had PND with my second dc, and received excellent support - counselling and a support group. The Heath visitor came round to see us a few times but was sympathetic and helpful.

Please get help - I'm so glad I did. The GP prescribed me anti-depressants but in the end I didn't take them, although I know other mothers who did and were helped greatly by them.

Sorry you're going through this, it's awful. But it will pass, I promise. So why not get help until it does.

Part of the reason I am worried also is that Dh had social services involved with him before, his ex wife made false allegations about him
To stop him getting access and when I was pregnant stuff like that was recorded down and it all just makes me so nervous! (He sees them now and we are all amicable with his ex etc no problems now but still worries me)
Atrocious did you go to your gp or contact your HV?

Pls go to the GP. It took me months to do so and I only started feeling better once I was on the anti-ds. They kicked in at 5 weeks, which is when I was told they would. I was lucky I responded so well to them.

It is an illness. Please go to the GP.

I feel like I'm at breaking point. I'm so scared my son will remember mummy crying and always being sad. It breaks my heart.
I have fantastic Dh, fantastic parents who help out loads, they are fantastic grandparents, brilliant dsc who help out loads when they are here, none of it makes any sense.
I should be on top of the world, instead I feel like it's all on my shoulders.

I went straight to my GP. They are very 'on it' about PND now. You'll go to the top of the waiting list for counselling.

Don't worry about previous issues with his ex/allegations etc. To be honest, PND is pretty 'normal'. Loads of women experience it.

By the way, at the GP, don't hold back or minimise how you're feeling. Be honest.

I honestly think if I started talking to gp about it I would break down in tears and it would be obvious how I feel.
How did you start the conversation.. I can't imagine just walking in and saying "I'm feeling down" etc I'd feel embarrassed, I don't know why

Don't feel embarrassed. You could say "I think I may have PND" and they will help you unpack how you're feeling.

It's good to cry. Especially with someone who can help you, a lot.

I can't remember how I began the conversation but I did cry, I said how low I was feeling and that I wanted some counselling. The care developed from there.

Don't feel bad, allow them to help you - that's what they're there for!

And again I just want to promise you it passes. It will, honestly. Give it time and get the help that's available.

I keep saying I'm going to go then chicken out.
I think so many things have built up to this, I already had anxiety anyway then the birth ended up in an EMCS and I REALLY struggled to bond with my son, it's only in the last month or so I have felt that bond with him..
For the first few months I literally just went through the motions, I fed him, bathed him, changed him, cuddled him. But there was no bond I didn't feel that rush of love people talk about.
I imagined taking him back to the hospital and leaving him there some nights in the early hours when I was so exhausted trying to breastfeed.
Even trying that now is making the tears fall down my face, I sound like a horrendous mum.
But now I would kill somebody before I would let them take him
From me, I love him
So much now but some of those old feelings are lingering on.

Even typing not trying

You're not a terrible mum. I had PND and I wanted my child to die at times - my broken mind convinced me that grieving for her death would be easier than actually looking after her.
I'm bluntly honest about that because as horrible as it is, it's normal and just one of the many shit things about PND.

I can almost guarantee you that Social Services won't be interested in you.

Go to your doctor. It's really brave to go and seek help and you definitely have it within you to do that.
You have nothing to lose.

ENS23 what a brave thing to admit, thank you.
I don't remember a huge deal about ds's first few weeks, but I do remember sitting in breastfeeding in bed breaking my heart one night thinking how shit everything was and how I wished I'd never had him.. I was absolutely EXHAUSTED, I have never felt so low in my whole life, I had a mastitis as well which gave me an awful fever. I remember think that night that I should go kill myself and Dh and ds would be happier.
Thankfully I no longer feel that bad.
The next day however I collapsed in the hall, that was when we started combo feeding. That really helped.
I did honestly think every day about running away and leaving ds with Dh. That breaks my heart to remember thinking that, Dh and ds are my world. But I honestly thought they would be happier without me there ruining everything.
PND is a cruel cruel illness. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
A young girl I know is pregnant, and I am so determined to be there and make sure she does not go through this also.

That's ok - it's a story I've told many times. I'm an open book anyway but I've found that my openness about my PND has elicited nothing but sympathy and understanding from people. I know it's helped a few people who have been feeling that way themselves.
I'm 5 years on from it now - it does get better. I had a similar breaking point when I tried to drive my car off a bridge. I didn't (thank goodness) and I went home and told my husband everything. My DD was 12 weeks old and my only regret is that I hadn't told him sooner - he was brilliant. He knew anyway but I had to admit it before I could accept help.

Funnily enough, for me, it was going back to work that fixed me. I know you say you hate your job and fingers crossed you'll find something new but for me, that space and time away really helped.

I went on to get pregnant again when DD1 was 13 months old - all planned. I never thought I'd be happy to have another child!

So, will you book that doctors appointment tomorrow?