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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my break-up belongs to me!

32 replies

Teaandcakeat8 · 01/01/2016 19:06

I’ve just split up with my now ex DP of 18 months (on Xmas eve). There was nothing huge that caused the break up but neither of us were really happy and I didn't feel a physical connection for him. When we started talking about how the year had been and were honest with each other and ourselves, we admitted it’s been this way for over a year now and worse since we moved in together. We’re only in our mid twenties and thought being in a just-ok relationship wasn’t how we wanted to be forever.

I understand it came as a shock to my parents as there was no huge bust up and neither party was really at fault. However ever since we broke up, I feel that they’ve been massively overreacting and making me feel like I did the wrong thing. First I had ‘ruined Christmas’, then every time I cried (it’s still sad even though it’s for the best) my DM would cry too and then my DF would get angry that I upset her. The other night I overheard them saying they were disappointed as they liked him and thought they would be getting grand children soon! We went to my GP’s and they still were in the kitchen saying how upset they were when they thought I was out of earshot.

AIBU to think that this is my break up and not theirs?

OP posts:

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 01/01/2016 19:08

YANBU and your mum needs to stop the histrionics. She might be upset but so what? It's nothing to do with her.

Pooseyfrumpture · 01/01/2016 19:10

YANBU. If your mum likes your ex so much perhaps she should go out with him.

Nonidentifyingnc · 01/01/2016 19:11

Yanbu but when you introduce partners to family, they get attached and treat them as if they were part of your family, which is obviously what you want when you are happy in your relationship. It is hard for family to just cut those feelings off if the relationship doesnt work out.

They are probably also sad because they wanted to see you settled. Give them time - they will adjust. When they think about it properly, they will acknowledge that they dont want you to be with someone who isnt right for you, however nice he may be.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 01/01/2016 19:12

YANBU. They sound far too invested in your life-how claustrophobic for you. Tell them to back off! Sorry to hear about your break up op, sounds for the best though. Xx

wannaBe · 01/01/2016 19:15

Yanbu. I am always a bit at family who over invest in their children's relationship break-ups and who make it all about them.

Someone I know has split from their long-term partner, his parents have cancelled Christmas as a result. . and while it's obviously upsetting, esp if the person is upset themselves, it's not their relationship to be upset about, even more so given yours was relatively short term at this point.

kennyp · 01/01/2016 19:28

sounds like when monica split up with gallon of alan - the one who got chandler to stop smoking (in Friends) - and then rachel was realllllly upset as she wanted to introduce alan to HER parents etc etc (cue laughing)

if they're that struck with him they can keep in touch. - your parents, not chandler and rachel

DinosaursRoar · 01/01/2016 19:39

Sounds like my mum, anything that happens to me or DB (or any extended family for that matter) has to be twisted so it's all about her. I had a miscarriage and had her on the phone all upset, and I ended up having to make her feel better about it, rather than her comforting me.

It means that I don't talk to them about things happening in our lives as I can't be doing with the drama and expect my mum's reaction will be all about how whatever it is makes her feel.

It sounds similar, as if your parents priority was their upset at what they thought they were losing, rather than trying to look after you. as if what they were going through was of greater signifiance than what you were going through. The 'loss' was primarily yours not theirs, and it's sad they couldn't be there for you.

diddl · 01/01/2016 19:40

Jeez, it's all about them, isn't it?

Christmas ruined, no Grandchildren imminent.

Do they not have lives of their own to think about?

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 01/01/2016 19:40

Thanks everyone, I feel like I'm a terrible person for causing the demise of Christmas!

I don't think they miss him so much, they seem more upset that I'm upset!! I've had to move back in for the Christmas break whilst I get a place sorted and I feel like I can't just be sad. I offered to go and stay with a friend for a few days and this made my parents hit the roof as I would be causing them even more upset!!

I'll be quite relieved to get back to work Monday...

OP posts:

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 01/01/2016 19:41

Cross posted. I don't usually tell them much for this exact reason. Unfortunately there's been no getting away from it over the festive period.

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 01/01/2016 19:51

It's sad, but at least you know they can't be trusted to support you when you need it. You are better not exposing your hurt to parents like this - it took the miscarriage situation for me to really learn this lesson (DH had been trying to tell me for years). When I got pregnant again a few months later, I told MIL at 6 weeks but told my parents a lot later after the scan so i didn't have to face Mum's dramatics if I lost the baby again. If I had lost that one, they'd have never known about it. Sad that they do miss out on stuff because they can't be trusted to be supportive.

Take care of yourself, there's no point saying anything, they won't get that they aren't the centre of things happening in your life.

xmasseason · 01/01/2016 19:55

YANBU. They're being drama llamas and while they care about you, it's their own responsibility to enjoy their own Christmas.

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2016 21:42

Nonidentifyingnc

Spot on.

Yes, they've gone over the top, but 'over-invested'? Are parents not supposed to be involved in DCs' lives once they become adult?

THey've handled it badly, but if they didn't care at all it would be worse.

Trills · 01/01/2016 21:57

Your mum is crying because you broke up with your boyfriend.

Sigh.

Get a grip woman.

MooseTrap · 01/01/2016 21:58

YANBU, not even a teeny bit. It sounds like you and you exP have been sensible and mature about the break up. Break ups are sad but there is no need for lots of drama and hating. Your parents are being ridiculous.
My DC are in their early 20's and while I always welcome their partners I'm careful to not get too involved.

DD2s BF mum asked her if she wanted DC when she was only 18. DD2 was a bit

MooseTrap · 01/01/2016 22:02

Thinking about it my mum cried when I amicably broke up,with my first BF. He was a lovely lad but I outgrew him. I'd been going out with him for two and a half years and he spent a lot of time at my house (we were teens). However, my Mum had the decency to try and hide her tears downplay her sadness and didn't say anything negative at all. She is a bit of a crier and finds it hard to contain her tears.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/01/2016 22:05

Was just about to say the same thing. Poosey.

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 01/01/2016 22:22

Children aren't even on my radar anyway so I've no idea why they jumped to that conclusion!

I understand that it must be upsetting to see your children unsettled, but really I left home 6 years ago and am used to sorting things mostly by myself now. I only expected a shoulder to cry on and not to feel like a terrible person!

It certainly makes me realise why I never told my DM any of the problems we were having before now...

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2016 22:57

But if you had, they wouldn't have been so surprised by the ending of the relationship, would they?

You can obviously share as much or as little of your life as you choose, but if they don't know what's going on with you, some things will come as a surprise/shock to them surely?

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 02/01/2016 08:12

It's not that I mind them being upset about him. It's the fact that I'm being made to feel terrible for being sad, as in turn it upsets my Mum. It's a vicious cycle; I get sad, my Mum cries, my Dad gets angry because she is upset.

OP posts:

LordBrightside · 02/01/2016 08:17

"Are parents not supposed to be involved in DCs' lives once they become adult?"

Not like this, no.

Finola1step · 02/01/2016 08:20

Blimey. So the only thing you can do is to hide your sadness from your parents and act all chipper. So that your mum doesn't get upset and your dad angry.

Best get a new place sorted quickly.

Sorry to hear that you are having a tough time .

Headofthehive55 · 02/01/2016 08:43

I don't think you could expect them to say oh that's nice dear...
Some people cry when they get a shock. I do think if you bring him to your parents, they will build up a relationship which actually they do not have any control over. It will be a loss to them too. It does impact on other people. Imagine if your parents had chosen to tell you they were splitting up...might that have impacted on your Christmas? After all it would be no ones business but theirs who they are with.

Headofthehive55 · 02/01/2016 08:48

Interesting to think it's nothing to do with mum, yet move back in with your parents! It has impacted on their life!

Fadingmemory · 02/01/2016 08:57

Break ups are hard for parents. My DDs last bf was like a son. When they split up I sent him one email to wish him luck and have since bottled my sadness. After two years I still miss him but never mention his name to DD. It's over. No one has a right to grand children. I completely understand your parents sadness but they should not discuss that with you.

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