Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2

AIBU?

To think that my break-up belongs to me!

32 replies

Teaandcakeat8 · 01/01/2016 19:06

I’ve just split up with my now ex DP of 18 months (on Xmas eve). There was nothing huge that caused the break up but neither of us were really happy and I didn't feel a physical connection for him. When we started talking about how the year had been and were honest with each other and ourselves, we admitted it’s been this way for over a year now and worse since we moved in together. We’re only in our mid twenties and thought being in a just-ok relationship wasn’t how we wanted to be forever.

I understand it came as a shock to my parents as there was no huge bust up and neither party was really at fault. However ever since we broke up, I feel that they’ve been massively overreacting and making me feel like I did the wrong thing. First I had ‘ruined Christmas’, then every time I cried (it’s still sad even though it’s for the best) my DM would cry too and then my DF would get angry that I upset her. The other night I overheard them saying they were disappointed as they liked him and thought they would be getting grand children soon! We went to my GP’s and they still were in the kitchen saying how upset they were when they thought I was out of earshot.

AIBU to think that this is my break up and not theirs?

OP posts:

Report

Bakeoffcake · 02/01/2016 09:36

"I don't think they miss him so much, they seem more upset that I'm upset!!"

Why does that surprise you?

My dds are 25 and 22. If they are very upset about something it affects me too and their Dad.

Although I certainly would tell them they had "ruined Xmas"!

AnnP1963 · 02/01/2016 09:12

They will be upset when you go home. It so totally understandable they wer just excited that's all to have you both at Christmas and this has just come as a bit of a shock. I am sure after time they will feel a lot better.

hesterton · 02/01/2016 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teaandcakeat8 · 02/01/2016 09:01

I haven't moved back in with them.
I've been staying over the Christmas period as all original plans involved ex-DP. I volunteered to go and stay with a friend and this made them even more upset! I will be leaving today.

OP posts:

AnnP1963 · 02/01/2016 08:59

I agree completely with this. You cannot look after a child be with them day after day as they grow up and then go , aw well never mind. Your mum sounds like a caring mum and I expect she is very upset especially as she liked him. She probably feels abit bereft at the moment. I know you are upset too an d I think things always seem magnified at Christmas. Give it a couple of weeks into the new year and sit down and explain to her why the relationship broke up. Melts of posters on here will say , it's none of her business. However if you let her know the truth of how unhappy you was and it was going nowhere I am sure she will just hug you and help you move on.

Enjolrass · 02/01/2016 08:59

Yanbu and they have gone over the top.

But I do think that it does impact them.

Yes when you are sad they should be strong to support you. But parents aren't perfect and sometimes they get upset when their kids are.

Possibly you dad is annoyed that both you and your mum are upset over Christmas and it's put a downer on it. The timing can't be helped and it's unreasonable of them, but we are all unreasonable from time to time.

As an aside my mum would cry if dbro moved back home.....but that's because it took long enough to get him out in the first place

DinosaursRoar · 02/01/2016 08:58

It's just it's the wrong way round, it's ok that your parents are sad about something bad happening in your life, but in normal families, they would prioritise making the adult dc who was going through a trauma feel better, rather than expect the adult dc to prioritise their parents feelings about something that's happening to them.

The primary person needing support is the op, she's lost an actual relationship, not the ops parents who have lost an imaginary grandchild.

Fadingmemory · 02/01/2016 08:57

Break ups are hard for parents. My DDs last bf was like a son. When they split up I sent him one email to wish him luck and have since bottled my sadness. After two years I still miss him but never mention his name to DD. It's over. No one has a right to grand children. I completely understand your parents sadness but they should not discuss that with you.

Headofthehive55 · 02/01/2016 08:48

Interesting to think it's nothing to do with mum, yet move back in with your parents! It has impacted on their life!

Headofthehive55 · 02/01/2016 08:43

I don't think you could expect them to say oh that's nice dear...
Some people cry when they get a shock. I do think if you bring him to your parents, they will build up a relationship which actually they do not have any control over. It will be a loss to them too. It does impact on other people. Imagine if your parents had chosen to tell you they were splitting up...might that have impacted on your Christmas? After all it would be no ones business but theirs who they are with.

Finola1step · 02/01/2016 08:20

Blimey. So the only thing you can do is to hide your sadness from your parents and act all chipper. So that your mum doesn't get upset and your dad angry.

Best get a new place sorted quickly.

Sorry to hear that you are having a tough time .

LordBrightside · 02/01/2016 08:17

"Are parents not supposed to be involved in DCs' lives once they become adult?"

Not like this, no.

Teaandcakeat8 · 02/01/2016 08:12

It's not that I mind them being upset about him. It's the fact that I'm being made to feel terrible for being sad, as in turn it upsets my Mum. It's a vicious cycle; I get sad, my Mum cries, my Dad gets angry because she is upset.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2016 22:57

But if you had, they wouldn't have been so surprised by the ending of the relationship, would they?

You can obviously share as much or as little of your life as you choose, but if they don't know what's going on with you, some things will come as a surprise/shock to them surely?

Teaandcakeat8 · 01/01/2016 22:22

Children aren't even on my radar anyway so I've no idea why they jumped to that conclusion!

I understand that it must be upsetting to see your children unsettled, but really I left home 6 years ago and am used to sorting things mostly by myself now. I only expected a shoulder to cry on and not to feel like a terrible person!

It certainly makes me realise why I never told my DM any of the problems we were having before now...

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/01/2016 22:05

Was just about to say the same thing. Poosey.

MooseTrap · 01/01/2016 22:02

Thinking about it my mum cried when I amicably broke up,with my first BF. He was a lovely lad but I outgrew him. I'd been going out with him for two and a half years and he spent a lot of time at my house (we were teens). However, my Mum had the decency to try and hide her tears downplay her sadness and didn't say anything negative at all. She is a bit of a crier and finds it hard to contain her tears.

MooseTrap · 01/01/2016 21:58

YANBU, not even a teeny bit. It sounds like you and you exP have been sensible and mature about the break up. Break ups are sad but there is no need for lots of drama and hating. Your parents are being ridiculous.
My DC are in their early 20's and while I always welcome their partners I'm careful to not get too involved.
DD2s BF mum asked her if she wanted DC when she was only 18. DD2 was a bit

Trills · 01/01/2016 21:57

Your mum is crying because you broke up with your boyfriend.

Sigh.

Get a grip woman.

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2016 21:42

Nonidentifyingnc

Spot on.

Yes, they've gone over the top, but 'over-invested'? Are parents not supposed to be involved in DCs' lives once they become adult?

THey've handled it badly, but if they didn't care at all it would be worse.

xmasseason · 01/01/2016 19:55

YANBU. They're being drama llamas and while they care about you, it's their own responsibility to enjoy their own Christmas.

DinosaursRoar · 01/01/2016 19:51

It's sad, but at least you know they can't be trusted to support you when you need it. You are better not exposing your hurt to parents like this - it took the miscarriage situation for me to really learn this lesson (DH had been trying to tell me for years). When I got pregnant again a few months later, I told MIL at 6 weeks but told my parents a lot later after the scan so i didn't have to face Mum's dramatics if I lost the baby again. If I had lost that one, they'd have never known about it. Sad that they do miss out on stuff because they can't be trusted to be supportive.

Take care of yourself, there's no point saying anything, they won't get that they aren't the centre of things happening in your life.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Teaandcakeat8 · 01/01/2016 19:41

Cross posted. I don't usually tell them much for this exact reason. Unfortunately there's been no getting away from it over the festive period.

OP posts:

Teaandcakeat8 · 01/01/2016 19:40

Thanks everyone, I feel like I'm a terrible person for causing the demise of Christmas!

I don't think they miss him so much, they seem more upset that I'm upset!! I've had to move back in for the Christmas break whilst I get a place sorted and I feel like I can't just be sad. I offered to go and stay with a friend for a few days and this made my parents hit the roof as I would be causing them even more upset!!

I'll be quite relieved to get back to work Monday...

OP posts:

diddl · 01/01/2016 19:40

Jeez, it's all about them, isn't it?

Christmas ruined, no Grandchildren imminent.

Do they not have lives of their own to think about?

Unflip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.