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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that both husband and wife can make good money, do fulfilling work and take part in family life

141 replies

CalpolOnToast · 01/01/2016 16:08

We are both self-employed.

My husband thinks that to bring in very good money as a family you need one partner working all the time and the other to be a SAHP or very flexible. He is willing to be the SAHP.

I think that it ought to be possible for us both to work part time, probably in our own business, and earn the same as one of us would but still have a decent amount of time with DS.

DH says he's never heard of anyone doing it and that I'm dreaming.

Has anyone reading this run a family business, earnt lots of money (Xenia type money Grin) and had time to spend with their children?

OP posts:
Karanka · 01/01/2016 17:56

It's works for me but is very hard as I can't do anything else but work in those days.

This was what I found with condensed hours - I didn't see my DCs for three days of the working week (out of the house before they woke, back when they were asleep). Then the days I was home I was too tired to be much use!

Stillwishihadabs · 01/01/2016 18:02

I found this as well (not seeing the dcs at all 2 or 3 days a week), but for me the alternative was not seeing them for 4 or 5 days !! Before this arrangement I worked ft ohth and dh stayed home, for us it was a massive improvement in quality of life for everyone.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 01/01/2016 18:19

I think you need to define what you mean by "good money", because this varies from family to family....

lorelei9 · 01/01/2016 18:21

how much is xenia money?!

I'm a bit puzzled by your partner's theory. I know of 3 sets of parents who work part time, frankly they both wanted part time in the interests of not working so much, lol, and spending time with children and saving on childcare.

I won't give away too much info because I'm convinced the world is on MN, but only one of those couples has both doing an office based job - they are in some kind of IT specialism and though they do have weekends on call, they make a lot of money and there is some paid childcare.

in the other 2 couples, there's 1 person going to an office and the other person works in a job where weekends are involved. It does mean that they don't get to see each other more than 1 day a week but it means they are paying for no childcare at all, because the other one is always available to do it.

Badders123 · 01/01/2016 18:29

Depends on the job.
Depends where you live.
Depends on the health of the children.
Depends on any other family responsibilities.

My Dhs job means he has to work away - long haul, sometimes for up to 2 weeks at a time.
We live in a village. Very limited childcare options.
My eldest Ds has asthma. Not as bad as when he was younger but he was off for 2 weeks with pneumonia last year.
My youngest Ds has lots of health issues too sadly.
My mother is elderly and increasingly frail.

In the 2 weeks up to the end of school in December I had 1 day where I wasn't either looking after sick children or visiting my mum in hospital.

It's really shit :(

wickedwaterwitch · 01/01/2016 18:37

We both earn very good money

We both work OTH

We both participate in family life

we have 2 children, 2 cats, 2 rabbits and a fairly big house

If one of us lost our jobs we'd manage

We have quite a lot of help: a cleaner several times a week, online shopping, a gardener and we had a nanny until dd started secondary school in Sept

No regular family childcare help though, although mil does have the children overnight whenever we want her to, pretty much

It can be done without a SAHP, absolutely, of course it can!

Cristiane · 01/01/2016 18:37

Of course it is possible! How do you think single parents manage?!
I have a very well paid job, work full time, see my children as much as I possible. All weekends and evenings when I am not travelling with work.

Thurlow · 01/01/2016 18:50

It's possible, of course it's possible, but so much depends on your jobs, your professions, how much money you are talking about earning, whether going part-time is going to damage your career potential for a while or mean your business doesn't grow etc.

Every family is going to be completely different, it's too hard to generalise.

We both work full time and have a preschooler. It works... ish. DP is slightly more focused on his career than I am at the moment, mine is a little on the back burner. Neither of us are in professions where hard work and overtime is going to pay off in terms of increased salary, which probably has an effect on what we get to do.

We work different shifts, which is how we manage to both work f/t and commute and DC isn't in childcare 60 hours a week, we both get to spend quality time with her.

The downside is we don't get to spend quality time together. Days when we're both at home all the time are rarer than hen's teeth. Not everyone would be happy with this.

Anyway, in answer - YANBU in theory. But in practice, long-term, it might not always be possible for both parents to work part-time.

wickedwaterwitch · 01/01/2016 18:50

We both work pretty much 9-5.30 and are paid well for it and neither of us is routinely expected to work long hours or travel for work.

It's taken a while to get here though and we've both been in our jobs a while

My sister and her Dh also both work ftoth in jobs they love, earn good money (over £200k) and have 2 kids

As a PP said, there are risks associated with having a SAHP for sure

wickedwaterwitch · 01/01/2016 18:51

And there is a reason men often earn more - women are often the ones making the career sacrifices. Sod that, frankly!

Badders123 · 01/01/2016 18:55

Well...I don't have a nanny, gardener, or cleaner Hmm
Of course it's possible to both work ft if you have that level of help, and if your DC are not often ill/requiring lots of dr and hospital appts!

Suzietwo · 01/01/2016 18:56

If employed Success must also depend on the attitude of the employers and employees.
If s/e then the nature of the business will be crucial.

We never had equivalent career prospects for 101 reasons but we both kept working until our third child was born. My bloke requested flexible working and was turned down and at that point it was just a bit irrelevant whether he earnt or not. So he became A stay at home father. The children were 0, 2 and 4.

It was really really HARD to make that transition. Mentally, emotionally and physically I was the mother, I was good at running a household, doing the washing, meal planning and cooking etc. he was terrible but a great dad. handing the reins to him nearly broke us but a year and a half later it works very well and I only scream at him occasionally. But the training required was insane. I loathe his parents for failing to teach him independent living.

Anyway, that's an aside.

To those who say they'd fear a stay at home parent taking the house, maintenance and children, I am unconcerned. I know a good lawyer.

I think it's hard to keep 2 incomes going but if there's going to be 1 or 2 children then worthwhile. The really tricky years pass quickly and then presumably you can afford wrap around care and have full and fulfilling lives for the next couple of decades.

If a larger family is planned then the sacrifice seems ok. Apart from anything, more children (and animals) increases the chance of there being illness or a npd or whatever and the need for someone at home is 3 or 4 times more than with 1 child.

Badders123 · 01/01/2016 18:57

....and most women make that "sacrifice" for very simple economic reasons.
The person who earns the most works!

Suzietwo · 01/01/2016 18:59

Probably the person who likes working the most earns the most...

toomanywheeliebins · 01/01/2016 19:01

Interesting that others have the same re condensed hours/ long days of working to have more days off. I do see the children 'one end of the day' and sometimes both but it is short and sweet - a kiss goodbye and home for bedtime stories at best. However my trade is four days undistracted. For a variety of reasons I am going full time for 10 months (though working from home one day). It will be interesting to see how it compares (have been ft before but not in current role)

Badders123 · 01/01/2016 19:02

Ha!!!
Yeah....all we sahps are just lazy
That didn't take long......

Hoppinggreen · 01/01/2016 19:04

Me and Dh have our own consultancy, we earn a good amount ( based In the North as well so lower mortgage etc too). We work on contracts so we decide on a contract by contract basis what we are going to do.
For example a few months ago I was took on a 6 month contract that paid really well and he just dabbled a bit. He started a contract in December so I worked part time and now I'm going to take a couple of months off because we've just got a puppy. I suppose that if we wanted to we could both work at the same time and earn a lot more but we like the balance and we don't use childcare. When we are working it can be quite intense and Dh especially could be abroad or based in London so it's better I'm not so busy

Suzietwo · 01/01/2016 19:06

That's your own preconceptions talking and not what i said. People who actively like working to earn money tend to be better at it and earn more. They then tend to be the natural choice to continue working if a choice is to be made.

ComposHatComesBack · 01/01/2016 19:06

I find the use of the term Xenia-level earnings as a shorthand for megabucks, quite entertaining.

Was Xenia actually for real? I struggle to imagine anyone that dogmatic, inflexible and so clueless about the real world could be as succesful as she claimed.

Suzietwo · 01/01/2016 19:08

I believe she makes money but nothing extraordinary. She does like talking about it though.

Karanka · 01/01/2016 19:09

Sorry if I'm dense, but what is Xenia?

ComposHatComesBack · 01/01/2016 19:09

Doesn't she just.

toomanywheeliebins · 01/01/2016 19:10

Even though I have only worked during email era and I appreciate the flexibility it gives me, I still really struggle with logging on after a full day at office, bedtime, a bit of domestic housekeeping. It's so depressing

LegoRuinedMyFinances · 01/01/2016 19:10

I don't think you can have a job which is flexible/part time enough to allow you to be hands on and pays extremely well (you seem to want wages above £100K).

Realistically if you both want good salaries you'd have to work quite hard for them, which means outsourcing some of the home/childcare work.

Or you can work less full on, but the wages wouldn't be as high.

You have to find a partnership compromise, what works for you both in terms of your separate careers and childcare.

Suzietwo · 01/01/2016 19:18

I agree Lego. Theoretically you can earn good money doing what I do and be 100% there for your (school age) children. I know someone who does it, but she's really fucking unhappy. She works after bed time every night until 11pm and beats herself up constantly. She does have some wriggle room as her bloke is flexible too. But I speak to her and feel terrible for how hard she finds it. Then remember it's her bloody choice!