AIBU to think that both husband and wife can make good money, do fulfilling work and take part in family life

[CalpolOnToast]

We are both self-employed.

My husband thinks that to bring in very good money as a family you need one partner working all the time and the other to be a SAHP or very flexible. He is willing to be the SAHP.

I think that it ought to be possible for us both to work part time, probably in our own business, and earn the same as one of us would but still have a decent amount of time with DS.

DH says he's never heard of anyone doing it and that I'm dreaming.

Has anyone reading this run a family business, earnt lots of money (Xenia type money ) and had time to spend with their children?

[MyLifeisaboxofwormgears]

One person staying at home can work if:

They really like being home all day with young children and cooking and cleaning (this doesn't describe me or DH)
They don't mind taking most of the responsibility for living on a reduced income
They are happy to take on the main responsibility for all children's activities and family socialising arranging that stuff
They don't mind being bored once children get to secondary school and there are left with 7 hours at home alone with the cleaning and cooking
They don't mind ending up with a crappy pension provision

There are many ways to bring up children - I nearly died giving birth and DH thought he would end up a single dad with a single income. Sometimes idealised visions of how life should work get in the way of actually living the life you have.

My brother thought that a woman should stay at home to bring up the kids, his wife agreed. Fast forward 20 years and she is an alcoholic and my brother is bitching daily about how difficult it is being a sole wage earner and how his wife just leeches off his wages. Not saying all relationships when one person stays at home end up as bad as that but the massive loss of earnings (unless the working partner is earning huge amounts) affects you for a very long time.

[FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld]

Yes I notice tampon didn't bother coming back to defend that one!

[toomanywheeliebins]

I found tampons post deeply depressing.
My elder DC only has one day when she is picked up from school by a paid care giver. My younger child is in nursery about 20 hours a week . We have attended every parents evening, assembly and Christmas party for both children. That's because both parents share the load and work extremely hard to make it work. We both having fulfilling careers and children that love us (and a good income). That said, parents that work full time and use childcare for 30-40 hours a week still raise their children and love them. It's either necessity or personal choice - both which are fine

[merrymouse]

It's not just about being able to choose your own hours- it's also about having the flexibility to buy in help so that weekends don't have to be tied up with chores.

[Badders123]

My Dh can work from home in an emergency but not as a matter of course.
He has to have an small op on 12th and he will be back at work the next day.
The crappy side of working for a non MNC!!!

[ProjectPerfect]

Sorry posted too soon - most senior execs of my level have the same ability: Legal Counsel, CFO, HR etc

[ProjectPerfect]

badders for me my flexibility is not about working part time (I do more hours than an average FT role) but I have the ability to manage my own diary and work from home when possible.

This allows me to start my day at 11am if I wish so I can go to an assembly or leave at 4 for a sports match. I have 3 DC so can't make everything but I try to attend as much as possible and it's the exception rather than the norm for me to do a standard 8-6 day.

I'm senior in an MNC.

[Xenadog]

DP works full time and I am part time although in reality it's almost full time as I only have two afternoons off a week. DP has one afternoon off so that's 3 afternoons a week when DD is not in nursery.

I work in education so do get school holidays though so that means DD is in nursery term time only (with a few extra sessions every so often) and we get to do plenty of stuff together then.

Family time is given a priority on a Saturday and for part of a Sunday but in the week it tends to be all hands to the pump and just get through. Life can be repetitive and tough and we don't have family support to care for DD if she's sick so that means a lot of juggling!

[Badders123]

I'd love to know what all these flexi well paid jobs are!!!

[FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld]

Very true merrymouse! I feel the reason I've been able to choose my own hours since having DC is because I'm lucky enough to be in a career not a job. Of course there are a few careers that require so much of your time that you're unlikely to be able to see much of the kids. But the idea that it's so much easier to fit work around your children if you have a 'job' not a 'career' is pretty insulting to the people having to navigate low paid, zero hours type stuff where they can't turn down a shift that clashes with the Christmas play or they'll never get another one again.

[regenerationfez]

Tampon If we all lived our lives according to what our mothers said, we wouldn't have much progress. What a way to limit the ambitions and aspirations of our young girls! And I bet you meant women. The men of course can have both.

[SeasonalVag]

I earn a good salary, but its not been worth it in the past....I quit after my second child and won't return until they're both a bit older. The crunch point for us was kids being sick and having no support....asking each other over the head of sick child who was needed less at work etc. We reasoned that if we could afford me to not work, we'd do that for a few years and avoid the day to day stress. Dh travels a lot for work as well which makes it tougher. Hats off to those who both work full-time, it's difficult. I miss working and am losing confidence and need to go back soon though....

[merrymouse]

Plenty of people have badly paid jobs with no flexibility because they have to pay the bills.

There is no guarantee that deciding not to have a 'career' will enable you to stay at home with your children.

[Stillwishihadabs]

Tampon please RTFT. Myself and others have described how both partners have fuflling careers and use minimal chdcare.

[SheGotAllDaMoves]

tampon I'm sorry that your mother gave you such poor advice.

Perhaps her world view was made narrow by her life .

But I can assure you that DH and I have not used the child care that you seem to dislike (though I might if I'd wanted to). We raised our DC together and had careers .

[DancingDinosaur]

I manage to work full time and have good family time too. I'm lucky that I work from home a lot of the time and am able to build my working week around school drop offs and pick up. I even get to see their school plays etc. I'm a single parent though, so no choice on the needing to work. Flexible working hours and if not self employed, then an understanding employer is the key to acheiving both though.

[Picturesofmatchstickmen]

Can't help but at some if the figures not bitter at all how the other half live eh?

[BuggersMuddle]

I don't have DC, so I can't contribute fully to this thread, however we have been considering (and this is part of it) and I also have many colleagues in my line who work for me, so I can comment on what I know.

I do have one of these mythical higher rate tax paying flexible mid-senior management level roles. It's true that if I had kids (and indeed even without) I can flex my hours as a programme manager. At a more junior level you are somewhat at the mercy of your manager (e.g. me) and whilst I tend towards 'however the job is done', not everyone does. I have worked for some fabulous people, some with deep misconceptions (early starters good / late finishers good regardless of hours) and some assholes.

Friends in the industry who have family often do flex their hours and PT / compressed is possible, but I know very few who flex their hours entirely i.e. most either have partners in equally flexible or part time roles or significant help from family. You'd have to be very good to get a promotion on a non-standard working pattern, but it does happen. Also senior jobs tend to involve travel - even if only a couple of times a month. (For example a friend of mine had real problems because her asshole DH wouldn't step up at all even though she was earning twice his wage - either DM / DMIL stepped in or friend couldn't make her work commitments. His rather charming argument was that they bought a house in the commuter belt when they were both earning the same, so she could give up her work any time.).

I would say for us, we're on the border of being well enough off to afford a nanny, despite earning a fair bit. We have no family nearby, so would need to make sacrifices or try to pay for (elusive round here) childcare. In practice, I know from experience that DP will reference my 'flexible' job at every opportunity rather than flex his own (I earn 1/3 again on his salary so find this attitude...odd). That works for now when I'm dealing with heating services, deliveries etc. It wouldn't wash with childcare drop-off / pick up or sick kids etc.

[blueshoes]

Tampon, I dare say you (and your mother) lack imagination.

[EssexMummy1234]

Interesting OP that your OH is kindly willing to allow you to work your socks off whilst he 'imagines' staying home and kicking back with the kids - how nice of him.

Anyway I don't think Xenia has posted on here yet under whatever her current pseudonym is but I believe that her former husband was a teacher not a SAHP and her idea of good earnings probably starts at £250k and yes she is real.

[HappyGirlNow]

Does he just not want to work?

[FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld]

It's not possible unless your minted most people either work and someone else paid or otherwise rises their child or they sat at home the part in family life and miss out on a career

Not true at all tamponlady. DH and I are comfortable but not minted, our household income should be about 46k this year. There will be 19 hours of the week when neither of us is at home, less if you factor in annual leave and bank holidays. And both of us have careers. Neither of us is exactly Bill Gates, but we have decent level professional roles. You can get plenty done in twentysomething hours a week if you're in the right field, and you don't necessarily have to be a superstar either. Just have reasonably in demand skills. I don't say this to brag, because I'm aware we're really lucky. I'd just hate for anyone to read all that negativity in your post and actually believe it.

[Ellypoo]

DH is self-employed and works 4 days, one of which is a Sat, so he has 2 days/wk looking after DD(2) - I work full-time but with ability to WFH & flexi-time so I think we have a pretty good balance between us, Sun is dedicated family day, and I finish early on 1 wkday that DH is with DD so we have 'family time' then too. I think we have a pretty good balance and we both earn a comfortable amount - sharing the responsibilities of home, looking after DD & earning is important to us both and works really well for us.

[CalpolOnToast]

Tamponlady, DS having a parent with him the vast majority of the time is non-negotiable as we will home ed, but I don't agree that it will mean that one of us can only do dead end work.

I'd be happy with a situation where I work 2 days and DH 5, just not having him work 7 which is what would happen with one of the businesses we could go in to.

[Suzietwo]

What about having their father look after them?