Canyou, frankly, yes, I would compare the two.
Women's aid identifies a number of different types of abuse. As you know, physical violence is just one of them. Obviously, no one can be physically violent on an Internet message forum.
Bullying, however, is far from just physical violence. It includes sulking (does that happen on here?) name calling, aggressive language and isolation - posters do pile on one person.
So Mrs X admits that she's frightened of her partner and he does call her horrible names like 'fat cunt' in front of the children and tells her she's useless all the time. She comes on here and she gets a load of women demanding, in aggressive terms, why she is still there, why is she prepared to let her children put up with that? Poster A tells Mrs X she'd have walked out before he even finished the phrase 'fat cunt' and even though Mrs X realises that's probably an exaggeration, she wonders why these women wouldn't tolerate it when she has to, and she's definitely no choice as she can't leave: there's no money and besides, they don't see how lovely he is sometimes.
I was being bullied once. My mother said in very shrill, demeaning tones 'I wonder why it's always you?' That hurt, lets put it that way! (By the way, the reason it was always me was because I had no confidence at all can't think why and I have confidence now and it's unusual for anyone to try any crap, but it took one hell of a long time.)
Or how about the 'bad mother' line? That's NOT the same as 'think of the children' but again, it's how it's presented, although unhelpfully I am now thinking of the Simpsons character!
Asking rhetorical question after rhetorical question about how you would feel if any number of things happened in the future to your children isn't going to make someone leave. I've seen it, oh, numerous times and it's madness.
Poster A - how would you feel if your son grew up and started hitting your daughter?
OP - I'd be sad and disappointed
Poster A - this will happen unless you leave, your son is learning it's OK to hit women
OP- its not that easy
Poster A - so you're basically saying you're OK with your daughter being hit and your son turning into an abuser
That conversation is one that needs to be had - but not like that. Why? Because it's what her husband or partner already does! He's probably already telling her she's a shit mother, and he just may have friends or family supporting him on that. He's already probably telling her any special needs they have is because of her. He's already twisting what she's saying and doing to suit his own agenda.
Terrified animals, when cornered, have one final defence. They retreat completely and become totally passive. Fight is pointless, if you're a rabbit cornered by a stoat, there's nowhere to fly to and you are going to be killed and eaten. The body has one final defence and it effectively works by shutting down your emotions. The face goes blank, the body goes still and limp and they just wait for the inevitable.
Watch a child who has been bullied at school for years and you'll see the same. Their face won't change during the name calling, they won't try to fight back, they won't show any sign of emotion. Of course, on some level it resonates and hurts but the instinct to get away from a dangerous or threatening situation (flight) or to defend yourself (fight) has gone. What's left is a sort of shell.
It's a good idea to treat a woman who has been abused as you would treat a child who has been bullied. Would you demand to know why they haven't changed schools? Would you tell them it's their fault because they aren't walking out of lessons? Would you tell them it was too far fetched and you wouldn't believe them? Would you shout at them to go to the headteacher NOW?
But I would say that to a bullied child, people protest! Yes, you would.
But kindly, gently and supportively. You'd give practical advice ('you can claim benefits' is often said on here but not HOW and I for one wouldn't know where to start) and you'd reassure them it wasn't their fault, and you might give them some praise for coping so far and your tone would be gentle and your smile would be kind.
What we are saying is not that there is a problem with LTB.
There is a big problem when someone hesitates over LTB and is given a kicking. It's as useless as it is unkind, as pointless as it is heartless.
All you've done is perpetuate the isolation someone has found themselves in and made it more likely that they will be going nowhere. But then I sometimes think some like that and feel smug and happy that their'relationship isn't like that and they'd never put up with it. Would they?