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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if anyone has actually Left The Bastard after MN said so, and regretted it?

109 replies

JeanneDeMontbaston · 31/12/2015 14:22

I keep seeing people say that 'LTB' is terrible advice. I know it puts people's backs up, especially when the OP is clearly not in a place to hear anything so blunt, or has a complicated situation that means she clearly can't just dash out of the door.

But I'm confused by the criticisms. Has anyone actually left their partner because other people (not necessarily just MN) said so? And if so, did you regret it?

I admit I'm biased, because MN did tell me repeatedly and firmly to leave my ex - who wasn't a bastard at all, but absolutely wasn't right for me and did have faults I shouldn't have had to put up with. And it was the right thing.

But I wonder, are there people who really do feel they were pressured into leaving a generally good relationship because of trivial faults? Or AIBU to think this is really pretty rare?

OP posts:

BrendaandEddie · 31/12/2015 15:40

i once got the wisest advice on this in a DV training event
Never tell her to leave him

as
a) if she doesnt ( which is unlikely the first few times she considers it) she will never come back to you for advice or help
b) Why should she leave him? why doesn't he stop abusing her? !!

Made me look at it in a whole different way

megletthesecond · 31/12/2015 15:41

What jux said.

Sometimes you can see what is unfolding and suggest LTB, whether that is that week or that year.

SilverOldie2 · 31/12/2015 15:42

I'm fortunate to have never experienced the nightmare scenarios written about on here. When I read threads on the Relationship board I am shocked at the horror in which some women and their children are enmeshed. It seems to me that some of these women are desperate to do something but don't know how to begin and just seem frozen in their situation.

When one or more people say LTB, we've been there and we're free, you can do it, it's almost like those posts make the OP begin to think that there is a way out and it's 'almost' like all those LTB posters are giving her permission in a funny sort of way. But what is fantastic is those same posters then guide the OP one step at a time coaxing and encouraging as she begins on the road to freedom.

Personally I think they all deserve a medal.

Branleuse · 31/12/2015 15:49

if youre not actually planning on LTB, then theres not much point talking about your relationship on MN, because every small character flaw generally will be picked apart and magnified. If you didnt despise your partner before you will by the time us lot have finished.

meoryou · 31/12/2015 15:51

agree with doit - fabulous post. I remember some posters being aggressive towards me
"Have you left him yet" type of posts, which mirror exactly the behaviour of abusive partners.

I wonder if there is a reverse psychology in there somewhere?

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 31/12/2015 15:53

To a certain point, I think LTB is MN 'code' for 'You really, really, really need to think about the state of your relationship' as opposed to 'pack a sack and make a track'. Of course in some situations it's literally GTFO as the OP is in an abusive or dangerous situation. But I think a lot of the time it's said for the 'shock effect' to prompt the OP to think 'All these wise, omniscient MNers are telling me to leave? Wow, I'd better take stock'.

bumbleymummy · 31/12/2015 15:53

This was being discussed onanother thread. People pointed out that sometimes you just want to have a good moan. Nobody is perfect in any relationship and if you take a select snapshot to rant about on a bad day then nearly everyone could be told to LTB at some point.

I do also see a lot of projection on the relationships board where one person's relationship went a certain way so they make predictions about other people's.

megletthesecond · 31/12/2015 15:58

That's interesting brenda. My relate counsellor never suggested I LTB despite some pretty damming evidence against him. I did obviously leave him before long though.

Notimefortossers · 31/12/2015 16:00

Absolutely totally agree with doitanyways, branleuse and bumbleymummy

Couldn't have put it better myself

AyeAmarok · 31/12/2015 16:00

b) Why should she leave him? why doesn't he stop abusing her? !!

That's interesting, and made me stop and think.

He SHOULD stop abusing her. It should be more of a taboo in society, people (ie friends or family) should call it more when they see someone do it. However...

Once the dynamics of a relationship have been established (often over many months or years), you CAN'T change him.

You can't change what others do. You can only change how you react to it.

If your DH/P doesn't care about you, only himself, he won't suddenly start because you asked him nicely. He feels how he feels. Sometimes it's clear that the DP seems to actively despise his DW. All you can days walk. Far, far away.

Jux · 31/12/2015 16:03

I'm not sure why some people get impatient when LTB has been said, but the op hasn't yet. Most of the regulars on Relationships have been there done that and know how hard it is to do. I did lose patience once, I was thoroughly over-invested, made a weak apology and didn't post on that op's threads any more, though I lurked a lot. I learned a lesson then.

I hope that for most posters in an abusive relationship, the number of people saying LTB is confirmation to them that what they are experiencing is wrong. I hope they don't feel bullied, but do feel as SilverOldie has said ^^, that it is confirmation and permission.

Original poster

JeanneDeMontbaston · 31/12/2015 16:03

Sorry, I took a long time to reply!

M4 - I don't know, really. I might not have left him, because so much of my social context was full of people telling me it was a good relationship. But I hope I would have (for his sake too). But then, he's not a 'bastard' by any stretch of the imagination, so I know my situation isn't really the classic LTB one.

I agree very much with the idea women are conditioned to want to 'try 100%' and so on. That's what worries me. And that's why I found this idea of saying LTB - even with the awareness people wouldn't do it right this minute - so liberating and helpful.

doit - I have to admit, the idea that I might have children who'd see my relationship as a role model was a major issue for me. So it helped me. I don't see that as a bad thing per se?

OP posts:

bumbleymummy · 31/12/2015 16:07

Very true Branleuse!

doitanyways · 31/12/2015 16:13

Jeanne, but your relationship was not abusive, if I read your opening post correctly.

It's (obviously) not a bad thing to consider the welfare of your children.

It's a very bad thing to use the children to harangue and distress somebody who is already in despair, especially as it's likely they are hearing conflicted messages about what's best for the children.

Many abusive relationships use the children as a weapon.

you will lose custody of your children
you are a terrible mother
it's bad for the children if we part

Imagine hearing that every day for a year, two years, five, ten years and then coming on here and having strong, confident women laying into you for being a terrible mum for staying with your partner?

Would you think 'oh durrr! Silly me!' or would you feel confused, upset and possibly think - no one understands this. Maybe he's right and I am a shit mother. After all, these women think so!

It's about the way the information is presented.

Plus, people don't usually go from being happy, confident girls who have high self esteem and confidence that is is alive and vibrant to battered, meek and timid women. These were often the girls with bad relationships modelled to them as children and adolescents - it's 'normal' to them.

In conclusion, one post yelling at a woman for not leaving the bastard won't achieve anything good but it might do irreparable harm: so stop doing it!

BrendaandEddie · 31/12/2015 16:14

if women keep leaving people rather than standing up to them/prosecuting them they will just keep, on , doing, it

and i say that with lots of sympathy. But professionally I sometimes see women who suffer physical attacks that last HOURS then pop up to say ' but i still love him'

Need some serious help :(

Original poster

JeanneDeMontbaston · 31/12/2015 16:19

doit - I think we are agreeing in some ways?

But I disagree with this:

people don't usually go from being happy, confident girls who have high self esteem and confidence that is is alive and vibrant to battered, meek and timid women

They do. I've seen it.

I think telling women what's wrong with them is that they're just not confident enough, is just as bad as telling them they need to 'LTB' when they feel they can't. I see the pitfalls with both - but one isn't better than the other, surely?

OP posts:

Squeegle · 31/12/2015 16:32

doit, I like your post. You're so right, the last thing someone needs if they are suffering from an abusive partner, is more bossing around. We don't want another person telling us what to do!

For me, mumsnet was so helpful as it helped me to realise that my situation was not normal. Somehow when you're in that situation, you normalise it.. You say to yourself "oh everyone's moody now and again,", "everyone shouts sometimes!" Etc etc. what really helped me was not someone haranguing me to LTB, but people advising me I was worth more than that. Cos that's what you forget. You feel you're not worth anything. And people going on at you as if you're stupid doesn't improve that.

cleaty · 31/12/2015 16:42

I have never seen LTB on a thread where someone just has a few niggles about their relationship. It is always justified. I do wonder about those few posters who always advise women to stay in what is obviously an awful relationship. Maybe it sounds like their relationship and they think that is what most relationships are like?

bumbleymummy · 31/12/2015 16:46

"I have never seen LTB on a thread where someone just has a few niggles about their relationship."

Really cleat? I've seen it quite a bit. I think that's why it's become a bit of a MN catchphrase. It wouldn't be if it was only ever used in situations where the OP genuinely should LTB.

theredlion · 31/12/2015 16:55

Between them Lionhearty and doitanyways have nailed it for me.

I posted on MN over 5 years ago and was told to LTB, they did mean right now and they were absolutely right.
The advice I got on my thread probably did save my life, I will be eternally grateful.

Sometimes I see posters shout 'LTB' and I think it is disproportionate and unwarranted and yes, I also see posters becoming aggressive with on OP when they don't LTB. It bothers me immensely.

NotDavidTennant · 31/12/2015 16:57

I have never seen a thread where a poster has been harangued for not leaving their partner immediately. I'm not saying that it has never happened, but it must be exceedingly rare.

There is a a kind of 'myth of LTB' in which everyone who posts on Relationships is immediately told in brutal and unsympathetic terms to leave their partner, but this only seems to exist in the minds of the people condemning it as far as I can see.

doitanyways · 31/12/2015 17:03

Jeanne, I didn't say people didn't, the key word in my post is that word usually.

NameChanger22 · 31/12/2015 17:17

I've never, ever regretted leaving any of my past relationships, it's always been a very positive thing. Nobody has ever told me to leave anyone, I usually figure out I'm going out with an arsehole fast enough. I've never told anyone to leave anyone either (including on here), although I have thought it many hundreds of times.

My advice to all women is to avoid the arseholes in the first place. I know this is much easier said than done, because looking for a nice man is like looking for a needle in a whole field of haystacks. It's far better to be single than to be in a horrible relationship, especially a relationship you're now trapped in because of financial reasons. If you are trapped in a relationship because of financial reasons how different is that to slavery I wonder.

OnlyHereForTheCamping · 31/12/2015 17:21

I think there is a lot of great help and advice on mn but there are also quite a few rubberneckers who seem only interested in getting the next instalment and chivy very vulnerable women

Original poster

JeanneDeMontbaston · 31/12/2015 17:22

doit - sorry, should have been more specific - I meant, I think this is what people usually do. I meant to imply that, but clearly didn't put it well.

But then, I think even confident women don't feel confident when trapped in this situation, so maybe that's it?

name, YY, indeed!

OP posts:

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