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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if anyone has actually Left The Bastard after MN said so, and regretted it?

109 replies

JeanneDeMontbaston · 31/12/2015 14:22

I keep seeing people say that 'LTB' is terrible advice. I know it puts people's backs up, especially when the OP is clearly not in a place to hear anything so blunt, or has a complicated situation that means she clearly can't just dash out of the door.

But I'm confused by the criticisms. Has anyone actually left their partner because other people (not necessarily just MN) said so? And if so, did you regret it?

I admit I'm biased, because MN did tell me repeatedly and firmly to leave my ex - who wasn't a bastard at all, but absolutely wasn't right for me and did have faults I shouldn't have had to put up with. And it was the right thing.

But I wonder, are there people who really do feel they were pressured into leaving a generally good relationship because of trivial faults? Or AIBU to think this is really pretty rare?

OP posts:
WavingNotDrowning · 31/12/2015 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

12purpleapples · 31/12/2015 18:04

I posted a few years ago asking for advice, and was repeatedly told that it was OK to leave, that the children would be OK etc.
At the time I was really shocked, as I had expected to be told to get a grip and cope (which says something about how I was feeling). I didn't leave at the time, it took me years more, in which things deteriorated further, but when I finally got brave enough to go it was definitely a comfort that even a few years previously when things had been better that it had looked like a reasonable decision to other people.

Enjolrass · 31/12/2015 18:21

I think it's not the advice of ltb. It's the way it's done, in some cases. One women posted a while ago she was pregnant and had two older kids. One if which was old enough to choose who he lived with. She knew he would want to stay with his dad but also knew her dickhead husband would turn on the son in time.

The way she was told to leave the bastard was quite awful. It included 'you have posted before and not left so what's the point in posting again'

'You are responsible for him abusing your kids'

'Make your son leave, drag him out with you if you must'

'You need to pack your stuff and leave now'

'Have you left yet?'

'Why haven't you left yet'

It was quite clear she want ready to and didn't know what to do about her oldest son. It ended up with her feeling far worse and still not ready to go.

Also I have seen a couple of ltb thrown about when it's really not needed. I do think some posters just say it about any relationship that isn't quite perfect.

doitanyways · 31/12/2015 18:22

I think, if it's the one I'm thinking of Enjorlass I just might know that lady in RL, and it's an unbelievably complex and heartbreaking situation.

Enjolrass · 31/12/2015 18:39

doit really? If so I hope she is ok. I felt desperately sorry for her. Even more so after the thread.

doitanyways · 31/12/2015 19:04

Will PM you :)

wannaBe · 31/12/2015 19:21

There is a lot of projection on the relationships board, and the added line that "I did it, so you can too," which is actually incredibly unhelpful because in truth, no relationship is the same, and one person's sustained abusive relationship might have been someone else's one-off row which is rapidly jumped on by the "experts" Hmm on the board as "just the beginning, and it will just get worse from here, so better leave now."

I have also seen relationship threads escalate from a one off row to posters convincing the op that she is in an abusive relationship and has been for many years. When actually this might not be the case. OP: "my dh screamed at me in the car today," posters: "really? Is he always that abusive?" Op: "no, he's usually incredibly loving so this has come as a complete shock." "Other posters:". I bet you're wrong, if you think about it there will be other instances where he has behaved in an abusive manner." Op: "no, there really haven't. He hates confrontation in any way." Posters: "he's avoiding it because he has anger issues and he knows that if he gets into a confrontation then he will react in the same way he did earlier. You know that this is a massive red flag, you really need to leave him, what on earth are you doing with him still."

And God help anyone who actually tries to make their marriage work after infidelity. The vitriol directed at posters who choose to stay with their partner and work on their relationship is painful to watch. "Well, you know that he is still shagging the ow. He will never be trustworthy again. Why would you want to stay with this man knowing that he's been ball deep in some other woman. He doesn't love you. Well op we'll be here for you when you come back in six months time to prove us all right." And that last one is the most arrogant, patronising one of all.

I do believe that many people are in relationships where they deserve better and should leave. But equally I think that many people are far too quick to walk out of relationships because leaving is easier than working things out. I'm not talking about serious abuse but differences in personalities whicH with decent communication can continue to have happy relationships.

No relationship is perfect. And we've all been in rows where LTB would be a fleeting thought. And I imagine that if we all posted our worst row on MN every single person, even those who claim to have perfect relationships, could be told to LTB. But life isn't like that, and neither should it be.

Also, it's worth bearing in mind that no-one ever posts positive threads on relationships because no-one actually wants to hear positive news. Some years back when I was still married to XH I posted a positive thread about him and was told that it was insensitive to do so because of those who were going through a bad time. Hmm as it happens we're now divorced. Grin.

bumbleymummy · 31/12/2015 19:27

I agree with a lot of what you've said there wannaBe.

NameChanger22 · 31/12/2015 19:47

Not one person with regrets for leaving yet.
I think that says it all.

LikeADivil · 31/12/2015 19:50

I genuinely get the impression that there are four types of zealots giving 'advice' (also known as COMMANDS).

A: Previously abused women who want to gain reassurance through others, that they were correct to leave their own man.

B: Previously abused women who want everyone else to be single and miserable. SISTERS!!!!

C: Eastenders watchers, who think that every thread is an episode.

D: The sanctimonious, 'I have a perfect relationship, and if he so much as farted in my direction I would leave the bollox'.

Give advice certainly. But........

  1. Check your motivation.
  2. It's ADVICE! Not an order that you are giving.
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 31/12/2015 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

museumum · 31/12/2015 19:52

Mn told me to ltb when I posted about my dh doing something really selfish and unthinking.
But I NEVER would have because I know it was a one-off fuck up on his part. Yes he was a shit. But it was once in eight years up till then and another 2-3 since.
I think anyone like me whose dh isn't really a bastard would also ignore the mn ltb calls.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 31/12/2015 19:53

Well ive been told several times to LTB and I haven't and im glad I havent.

StarlingMurmuration · 31/12/2015 20:10

There was a thread very recently where the OP was asking whether her (admittedly completely fuckwit-sounding) DH was cheating her financially, and one of the first replies as a very combative "Yes, he is, what are you going to do about it?!" Which was hardly helpful or supportive to my mind. As previous posters have said, it's not so much that LTB is trotted out unnecessarily, it's how certain posters seem almost gleeful in diagnosing a bad relationship and pressuring the OP in an aggressive way, combined with the constant demands for updates and/action as though these posters think they are watching fucking Eastenders.

Enjolrass · 31/12/2015 20:33

Not one person with regrets for leaving yet.
I think that says it all.

It doesn't. As op said most people who leave after taking the advice here would have been considering it.

Many don't leave. Many should but don't and many (like another pp said) know it's an occasional selfish act.

sleeponeday · 31/12/2015 20:40

Ack, doit, I often talk about the example to the kids. I'd not looked at it from that perspective, simply wanted to provide extra strength (because my thinking was that the bastard has made her feel she deserves no better, but she will see her kids do, a lot more easily) but of course you're right. I won't do it again.

PrincessHairyMclary · 31/12/2015 20:42

Was told to LTB it was barely a relationship as it was and I never regretted it.

Sometimes it's helpful to hear that your worries are relevant and you aren't overreacting about things.

12purpleapples · 31/12/2015 21:06

sleeponeday The idea that my kids needed to see better than their mother tolerating the situation was a really helpful one for me. It was completely correct, and I want them to want a decent relationship for themselves when the time comes and to leave it if its not good for them. Understanding all that helped me to stop feeling entirely selfish for separating, rather than just staying and being miserable.

sleeponeday · 31/12/2015 21:34

Thanks, Purple, that's reassuring. That was certainly my aim - to get them to focus on people they knew had rights to better, when they had someone constantly telling them, verbally or otherwise, that they had no value or worth themselves. And yes, the idea that you should stay for the kids seems so common. Certainly never want to make any woman feel worse by saying that.

It's hard. Good advice for one person will be anything but for another, sometimes. But I do think, if someone is describing abuse, that validating them that it isn't normal and they do have the right to leave if they choose is right. Everyone has the right to leave, after all, for any reason at all. Nobody should stay if something makes them unhappy without any real cessation, as opposed to just a bad patch.

bumbleymummy · 31/12/2015 21:41

I remember DH and I had a silly argument one night and he left. I was worried about him driving angry and posted on here. The 'advice' I was given was to lock the door and go to bed. Glad I didn't take that advice - That's one sure fire way to escalate a trivial argument!

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2015 21:58

I totally agree wannabe, dh does not always pull his weight with domestic chores, and is quite introverted socially, does not like going out. So I shoukd LTB, as if everybody is perfect.

bumbleymummy · 31/12/2015 22:22

Left the house I mean! Not 'left' in general.

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/12/2015 22:53

Brilliant post Doit.Thanks

I get that sometimes posters who urge LTB are right, but it is wrong to then harangue an abused OP for not doing so immediately. On thread.Hmm

Women suffering DV need support, not someone else telling them what to do and then shaming them for not doing as they are told.Angry

Atenco · 31/12/2015 23:58

There are lots of different motivations in the people posting on the threads, and some are not so good. But I think, in general, it is very useful for people to post here when they have serious marriage problems. And as has been pointed out lots of times, no-one leaves their husband/wife/parent solely because of advice given here.

I know that in real life it is not so easy to tell someone to LTB. When I was young and foolish I did say that a couple of times to real-life friends and lost the friendship instead. Which means that people in abusive situations do not necessarily get a truthful response from friends and family. Also most victims of DV are too ashamed to talk to anyone of the RL friends and EA is extremely hard for people to understand.

NoMore314 · 01/01/2016 00:03

No, I did listen to strangers on the internet and I wished I'd done it sooner.

Nobody told me anything I didn't know deep down.

Felt a bit emotional reading ''namechanger2015"'s post earlier,and how far she's come in a year.

it took me four months between the thread I posted and leaving. People expect an immediate response. But everything that people said to me was going round in my head.