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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to give DH a lift?

103 replies

Fretful · 29/12/2015 22:19

So, my husband's going out at 7pm tomorrow to meet his friend to watch football and have a few drinks. He's going to a pub around 8 miles away, the place is not on a regular bus route from our house (but by no means impossible), and taxi would probably cost around £10.

He's asked me to 'drop him off', i.e. do a 16 mile round trip purely to take him to the door of the pub. I am 8 months pregnant and have a 4 and a 7 year old.

Was I unreasonable to tell him to get a taxi?! He has managed to make me feel guilty, but I think it's a lot to ask, particularly at that time of night from the kids' point of view.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 30/12/2015 00:51

I just think that if possible we should be nice to each other.

Inertia · 30/12/2015 07:53

I think that part of being nice is that we are considerate of one another, and the impact of our actions on others. If there are no children to consider then it's a lot easier to help one another out with lifts. However, in this case giving a lift would mean the children having to go out in the car too, when they should be going to bed. A late bedtime and being dragged around on unnecessary journeys isn't the end of the world, but in this example there is simply no need for it as taxis are available. It's not as though he couldn't go if she didn't take him.

Being nice would be the husband offering to help with bedtime before going out, rather than making demands of his heavily pregnant wife who is struggling with back problems.

BathtimeFunkster · 30/12/2015 08:04

Being "nice" is women putting themselves and their children out to do things that make a man's life a barely noticeable bit easier.

Being "nice" and not expecting a heavily pregnant woman to drag two kids out of the house at bedtime so you can have a lift in your own car rather than in a taxi is not expected of men.

They are the recipients of "nice". No matter how much less effort it would take for them to be a tiny bit considerate.

Has some MRA taken over Bertrand's account?

Banging on about pregnancy not being a disability is usually reserved for misogynist wankers.

A heavily pregnant woman has repeatedly said she is not feeling well due to her pregnancy but has still had her healthy, non-pregnant male partner browbeat her for a lift she does not feel up to giving.

But she should be "nice" (like a good little girl) and bring him anyway.

Going to the pub isn't a disability. An able-bodied adult should have no trouble getting there by themselves.

allnewredfairy · 30/12/2015 08:24

I'd give him a lift provided it didn't interfere with anything I had planned. I don't see kids and pregnancy as an issue. That's life!

Iggi999 · 30/12/2015 08:32

Him having to get a taxi could also be described as "life" surely.

Iggi999 · 30/12/2015 08:36

Pg woman and dcs putting themselves out to collect elderly mother from station = right imo
Pg woman and dcs putting themselves out to take healthy man to pub = v. wrong

Eminado · 30/12/2015 08:38

Bert

"BertrandRussell

I just think that if possible we should be nice to each oTher"

How exactly has the OP not been nice? Confused

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 08:39

Why do they have to meet in that particular pub? Can't they find one within walking distance of the bus route from your home?

witsender · 30/12/2015 08:43

I'd do it without a thought to be honest. Dh is considerate, works hard, is very hands on at home and rarely goes out. So if he asked for a lift to make his life easier and save some money then why not?

Iggi999 · 30/12/2015 08:44

But whitsender, do all those attributes not apply to you too?

witsender · 30/12/2015 08:44

If I was feeling like crap however I would expect to be able to say no without getting guilt tripped over it!

CheerfulYank · 30/12/2015 08:44

Neither of you ABU. 7 pm isn't late and 16 miles isn't far. But I assume you're pretty exhausted so I'd probably just say no if I were you.

witsender · 30/12/2015 08:45

Cross posted. All things being equal, I would give him a lift. Yes, those attributes apply to both of us, and he would give me a lift in the same circumstances.

However, as I clarified, if I (or he) were feeling like crap the other would either not ask, or if we did and the answer was no we wouldn't think twice about it.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 30/12/2015 08:50

Nope, neit, non - YANBU. You're heavily pregnant, have two young children and have stated you have health issues attached to this pregnancy. Tell him to twat off with the guilt trip.

Yes - you could drive with the young children in the back for a 40min journey but that will shoot up bedtime and if yours are like mine, they'll be tired and ratty in the morning. He wouldn't be able to help what with a late night and several jars. Plus how can you carry them up with your bad back if they fall asleep? Is he physically fit? Because you may not be in flooded but where I am, it's blowing a gale outside and it took a lot of concentration to drive back from the in-laws yesterday with the car being blown around.

If it really means that much to him, he can either be dropped at his mates earlier. Or he can do the responsible thing, drive himself and have a few soft drinks watching the football. If he's guilting you, present those as the only two options because the only reason I would drive with two young children in the back at night would be for an emergency or illness. A trip to the pub isn't that.

Seriously! I despair of mumsnet of late. Just be nice and take him, it's the holidays etc!?! the OP has stated she has some health issues with the pregnancy. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership and one where the parents think of the children which he isn't if he's expecting OP to keep them up just so he can be driven in the family car. If he can't afford the taxi, he can't afford the beers he's planning with the football.

Plus if he's making her feel guilty, he's not that considerate.

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/12/2015 08:52

DH and I are nice to each other. In this scenario, that would manifest itself in not expecting the other to drive out at 7pm with a carload of kids, just to drop t'other at the pub.

I'm amazed this is even being debated. This is what taxis were invented for.

BrienneofQarth · 30/12/2015 08:55

I would do it, but have only the one dc. If expect her to fall asleep on the journey & just carry her in to bed. I'm also 8 months pregnant & drove dh 60 miles round trip for his Xmas night out a couple of weeks ago - because he doesn't get out much.

But that's me, and this is about you. Stick to your fine!

BrienneofQarth · 30/12/2015 08:55

Gods sake. Guns, not fine.

inlovewithhubby · 30/12/2015 08:57

It's all relative isn't it. 16 miles might not seem far down a motorway but on dark, windy Cornwall roads (for example) it would take bloody ages. I'm with inertia - I am a massive feminist but really believe that the late stages of pregnancy are for being selfish with oneself in the stages of exhaustion and being treasured by those around you. If you're lucky enough to be one of the few who can run a marathon at 8 months then brilliant, drag the car 16 miles strong-man style if you want, but most people are not super human like that. This is OP's number 3, she has to be bloody knackered by 7pm. Would be lovely for her partner to notice that alone but, if not, then she isn't being selfish or not 'nice' any more than he is by simply pointing out the obvious. And 7pm is definitely late if that's when your kids go to bed - again, all relative.

ZanyMobster · 30/12/2015 08:57

TBH DH would not have asked for a lift that far at bedtime when the DCS were 4 and we are pretty laid back about stuff like that, he would have just got a taxi without even discussing it. Even now he would probably sort out a train/taxi etc unless that's not possible. I would be happy to drop him off but seems pointless to drag kids out for just a tenner in a cab.

Original poster
Fretful · 30/12/2015 09:30

Wasn't expecting this to generate so much debate.

I'm not going to start lambasting husband but do think that all circumstances considered (which he knows and you guys obviously don't have all the details) I shouldn't be expected to do this journey, at this time of evening, with the (already overtired) girls in tow. It's the small snidey comments I got at the time I said no which bothered me.

I'm at my first of two hospital appointments of this week now, so maybe just another indication that rest should be a priority over providing a lift purely for convenience's sake Smile

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 30/12/2015 09:42

I'd give him a lift, but not at 7pm. I'd make it in to an evening out for all of you by all going out for an early dinner at 5pm, then he heads to the pub and you head home.

That way, you get home and take the kids straight up to bed, nobody has to cook earlier in the day, and there's no washing up :)

However, if your pregnancy means you would struggle to eat out or to get them all ready for bed on your own, then your DP needs to stay at home until they're in bed and then organise his own lift/taxi.

Anotherusername1 · 30/12/2015 11:25

Tell him to drive himself and stay off the alcohol. It is possible to watch football and have a laugh without getting drunk.

Or drop him at a friend's house (if it's closer than 8 miles away) and tell them to drive/get a taxi/get a bus. Or a bus stop on a more direct route if one exists that's closer.

I'd have given my other half a lift when I was 8 months pregnant but I didn't have any other kids to worry about.

Blacksquirrel · 30/12/2015 11:25

I'm shocked it's only £10 for an 8 mile taxi ride Shock
Wouldn't get you 3 miles where I live!

Whocansay · 30/12/2015 12:37

I'd give him a lift there, but drop him off 30 mins earlier to put dcs to bed in good time.

He can definitely make his own way home though.

ProjectPerfect · 30/12/2015 12:46

Why on earth would any sane woman put two children in the car for a 16 mile round trip at bedtime to save £10?!