to Mary in secret then in public

[secretsecrets]

OK please bear with me.

Been with my partner for over 11 years we have 2 children together and a property together that we all live in as our family home.

I'm a sahm. My partner works. We haven't been married before due to saving for a house then having children. Reason is we have always wanted a marriage and a wedding...the wedding we will be a bit and we would have to save for it ourselves. Thing is now we want the legal protection a marriage gives...but can't afford a wedding yet...in fact haven't even started saving yet...we're talking years.

We're thinking of getting married and telling absolutely no one...then in many years to come when we can afford it do the whole engaged married wedding hen do thing then with no one knowing we are already married so this will be the wedding as far as people know....can that even be done...married twice as we wouldn't want anyone to know we was already married?

Reason no one can know is because there would be an uproar from both sides of our families not coming to the registry office if they found out we was married but we would like to be married now for legal reasons but would like the experience of a marriage and a wedding in the future when we can afford it with everyone the way we would do it now if we had lots of money. We don't want the registry office wedding be the experience with friends and family..but want them to experience it with us the way we dreamed but can't yet afford.

Aibu to do it at a registry to cover legal reasons and then do it again many years down the line and have the wedding we both want when we have saved for it.

Please don't tear me apart I'm trying to figure this all out in my head as I go.

Reason we won't go solicitors and get all the cover without marrying is because it will cost a he'll of a lot more..money we don't have yet.

Why such emphasis on signing a piece of paper, head? The vows, speeches, and wedding traditions are nothing to do with legality.
If you were invited to a non-conformist wedding, or a hand-tying ceremony, for instance, would you decline because you know the couple had "married" somewhere else without inviting you?

The OP is saying that she wants to make a public declaration of commitment to her DP in a particular way - not just a party, but a "wedding" - which is a staged production, not a legal transaction. Why would her friends and family feel cheated to discover that she and her DP had made a legal commitment to each other several years earlier?
What if the OP puts the legal protections in place another way - signs a series of documents drawn up by a solicitor that gives her the same legal protection as marriage? Would it be ok for her to have a hen do, wedding and reception some years later? Or would guests still feel deceived as the couple had already legally committed to each other?

I'm genuinely interested, because none of my friends of family who now know what we did have said that they feel the way you do - I'm now wondering if they are seathing with resentment for being 'cheated' in some way!

Our idea of the wedding we want is to marry in a lovely church then off to somewhere like a golf club a hotel or a manor house for dinner drinks and dancing. I would like a cake and a wedding dress. Hair and make up done and a photographer. 3 bridesmaids and 2 flower girls plus husband would like best man and 2 ushers. Tbh I suppose it's an average wedding...nothing ott it's just they cost so much. Would definitely want a church then somewhere after in a nice setting.

At the risk of sounding incredibly old fashioned I think that ship has sailed. ExpatinScotland's advice is good. The more time you both waste waiting for the perfect time/budget to do so makes you more vulnerable.

It's time to get real. You want the big day, nothing wrong with that, but maybe you should have thought of that before having expensive children. You can't have everything you want and it is really silly to think you can get married twice. Your choice is register office with a nice meal after for those you want and get the legal stuff you want, or save and hope you don't need the legal protection you didn't seem to want when you had his children. Weddings do not have to be expensive. Thousands are spent on stuff you don't need. I'm pretty sure when booking a venue they add on hundreds when you say it is for a wedding.

Headofthehive I do the same thing!