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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to Mary in secret then in public

79 replies

secretsecrets · 29/12/2015 18:46

OK please bear with me.

Been with my partner for over 11 years we have 2 children together and a property together that we all live in as our family home.

I'm a sahm. My partner works. We haven't been married before due to saving for a house then having children. Reason is we have always wanted a marriage and a wedding...the wedding we will be a bit and we would have to save for it ourselves. Thing is now we want the legal protection a marriage gives...but can't afford a wedding yet...in fact haven't even started saving yet...we're talking years.

We're thinking of getting married and telling absolutely no one...then in many years to come when we can afford it do the whole engaged married wedding hen do thing then with no one knowing we are already married so this will be the wedding as far as people know....can that even be done...married twice as we wouldn't want anyone to know we was already married?

Reason no one can know is because there would be an uproar from both sides of our families not coming to the registry office if they found out we was married but we would like to be married now for legal reasons but would like the experience of a marriage and a wedding in the future when we can afford it with everyone the way we would do it now if we had lots of money. We don't want the registry office wedding be the experience with friends and family..but want them to experience it with us the way we dreamed but can't yet afford.

Aibu to do it at a registry to cover legal reasons and then do it again many years down the line and have the wedding we both want when we have saved for it.

Please don't tear me apart I'm trying to figure this all out in my head as I go.

Reason we won't go solicitors and get all the cover without marrying is because it will cost a he'll of a lot more..money we don't have yet.

OP posts:
SeekretSquirrels · 29/12/2015 19:31

Wanders in thinking it's a belated funny Nativity thread.
Wanders out again.

lorelei9 · 29/12/2015 19:34

I'm sorry, this makes no sense to me

If I have understood correctly, you want the big showy wedding but think it will be several years before you can afford it

I completely understand that you want to go to the registry office and get married but I am a bit unclear why you can't tell your family.

Over the years, as you accumulate savings you might well find that you don't want to spend a huge amount of money on the big showy wedding, which is, after all, just a day. I'm not sure how much money you want to spend but couldn't you just have a big anniversary party or a party for renewal of vows?

Does a big showy wedding mean that much to you that you'd rather lie to friends and family so they think you are actually getting married on that day? I am not saying it's everyone else's business what you do in your private life. But if you are actually going to make a big deal, have people travel, buy gifts etc, for an occasion that isn't what they think it is, it's a bit....deceitful?

why is a big showy wedding so important?

ethelb · 29/12/2015 19:37

I know people who had two ceremonies, one at the registry office with no one there and they didn't tell anyone when it happened (though they were honest that it was/did happen). Then a humanist type ceremony in their garden with just close family. Then a huge reception (150 people) at a community-type centre with a ceilidh. It worked well for them but they were honest with everyone about the consituent parts whether we were invited or not! Best way tbh.

There are cheaper options available, we hired a lovely hall for the weekend for £500 in the SE. You could easily ask people to bring food and booze if you have enough people living locally. Even a big picnic in the park with people bringing constituents parts could be fun and I have heard of people doing that. Parents who fuss about the grandiosity of it all can pay for the flowers etc... Wink

Iwantakitchen · 29/12/2015 19:38

You would keep it secret from your children?

I understand your issue but I can't see how you would be able to keep it a secret for many years then when it comes out some people might be upset. Think about all the forms, change details with bank to say you're married, with insurance etc, could you really keep it a secret when you will come to getting married in many years' time - how would you do it?

Like others have said, just have a very small ceremony with immediate family, a meal in a restaurant, and promise everyone that you will have a nice big party and renewal of vows further down the line.

PiccalilliSandwiches · 29/12/2015 19:42

This is a great guide to doing a wedding on a tighter budget

lavenderhoney · 29/12/2015 19:45

Get married quietly and invite close family. Nice dinner after.

Say one day you'll have a big party ( and don't, unless you want one, it doesn't have to be a wedding, confirmation of vows or something?

You've already got DC, live together etc. There will be other more pressing demands on your purse!:)

It's nice to please families but not to the tune of thousands of pounds! Surely they will understand that and make it not about them?

ADishBestEatenCold · 29/12/2015 19:51

What country are you in, 99percentchocolate?

I thought all Civil Marriages/Celebrants in the UK were Registrars, and if the Celebrant was not a Registrar, then they were classified as Religious and/or Belief celebrants (albeit that some of those belief systems may be secular) and that ... as such ... they could not conduct Civil Marriages.

lorelei9 · 29/12/2015 19:51

lavender, I thought the OP wanted the big wedding, not that the family were pressuring them, as OP says this "We don't want the registry office wedding be the experience with friends and family..but want them to experience it with us the way we dreamed but can't yet afford"

ADishBestEatenCold · 29/12/2015 19:51

Opps ... just realised, you may well be a Registrar. You haven't said you're not!

expatinscotland · 29/12/2015 19:53

You've been together for 11 years, own property and have children together. Why on Earth do you want a big, showy wedding when you are in a very vulnerable position legally and financially? You are an adult, you marry for each other and not everyone else. They get in uproar, that is their fucking problem. Book a time at the registry house, tell people this is what you are doing, they are welcome to come along but you cannot afford anything else and do it.

The time for big poofy dress and hen do was before you undertook such serious commitments. Right now, your legal and financial position is far more important than an engagement ring and a set of L plates on a dress.

lavenderhoney · 29/12/2015 19:58

Yes, but in one hand the op wants to get married quietly for legal reasons and that's all they can afford at the moment.

To not do that and wait for later date means if her and her dp want the contract of marriage without being married to appease their relatives and themselves to wait, could cause problems in the future because no one knows what is round the corner. Also, as op points out, it's very expensive when they could just get married, with their immediate family around them.

Although I suppose a big wedding could be done at a small budget, it just depends what the ops and her dps idea of a wedding is.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/12/2015 19:59

Me and DH did this!

We went to the reg office and "married" in secret - no one knew, not even our DCs. Two witnesses who we knew, and trusted, but weren't in our social circle so it wouldn't matter if they blabbed to anyone they knew anyway. The biggest risk was someone we knew seeing the notice up in advance. We wanted the legal protection but family relationships were strained and a marriage, let alone a public wedding, would have caused a lot of additional problems. Nothing changed for anyone - although we notified the agencies that needed to know - HMRC, pensions, etc.

A few years later, we arranged for a celebrant to officiate over our "wedding". She didn't pretend it was a legal ceremony, but equally, she didn't broadcast the fact that we were already married - we chose the location, wrote our vows and invited who we wanted to share the evening with.

I did eventually explain to my DD that we'd "done the legal bit" years earlier; intially she was a bit put out, but as shes got older, she understands the difference between a wedding and a marriage.

lorelei9 · 29/12/2015 20:01

lavender, I think we've misunderstood each other
or I've misunderstood the OP

I am with expatinscotland though - maybe I didn't express myself as clearly.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 29/12/2015 20:04

What happens if it all goes belly up before you've daved for your big shipowy day, imagine then your family and children going through the divorce with you for a marriage you didn't tell them about.

99percentchocolate · 29/12/2015 20:05

adish, I'm in England. Registrars and certain religious bodies (eg Church of England clergy) are the only people able to perform legally binding marriages. In the case of the clergy, these still have to go through the register office by way of giving notice. Not all religions can conduct legal weddings, though they can conduct the blessing ceremonies with the legal ceremony beforehand at the register office.
Independent civil celebrants (like me) CANNOT conduct a legal ceremony. We provide wedding blessings and vow renewals which we can make almost identical to a legal wedding (with the freedom of being able to conduct these ceremonies wherever we want), but we cannot use any of the legal wording or suggest in any way that the wedding is legal. Not only is it misleading and morally wrong, it leaves us open to legal action later on.
Furthermore, never have your wedding blessing before the legal ceremony. Some celebrants offer this, but this would actually be a commitment ceremony and not what you were looking for.
The law is in review at the moment though and (hopefully) may change to allow all civil celebrants with a qualification and humanist celebrants to conduct legal marriages too.

sooperdooper · 29/12/2015 20:07

Think about all the forms, change details with bank to say you're married, with insurance etc

If you don't change your name that's not necessary - and if the OP isn't planning on telling anyone I'm guessing she won't change her name

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 29/12/2015 20:09

Gotta love autocorrect, saved and showy might make more sense!

lorelei9 · 29/12/2015 20:10

sooper, I think that poster was probably thinking of things like new bank accounts or holiday insurance etc, when you fill in something in new it always asks marital status.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/12/2015 20:12

autumnleaves why would a relationship split be harder on the family if the OP and her DP were secretly married?

Iwantakitchen · 29/12/2015 20:14

Yes also when you apply for schools, and what if something happened, one of the spouse would pass away, next of kin situation, how would op deal with it then? I think it's a minefield personally.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/12/2015 20:18

Schools don't need to know the marital status of their pupils parents!

And, in NOK issues arose, then the family would have slightly more pressing issues than whether the couple were married or not.

I lived like this for years - discussed it with several experienced legal and financial advisors and they all said that there are very, very few situations in which disclosing true marital status is legally required.

Original poster
secretsecrets · 29/12/2015 20:21

Our idea of the wedding we want is to marry in a lovely church then off to somewhere like a golf club a hotel or a manor house for dinner drinks and dancing. I would like a cake and a wedding dress. Hair and make up done and a photographer. 3 bridesmaids and 2 flower girls plus husband would like best man and 2 ushers. Tbh I suppose it's an average wedding...nothing ott it's just they cost so much. Would definitely want a church then somewhere after in a nice setting.

OP posts:
RowenaReddit · 29/12/2015 20:24

Marry now in secret and invite everyone to your 10th anniversary party!

lorelei9 · 29/12/2015 20:26

OP, if you want to marry in a church in front of everyone then I think you need to be...not married?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/12/2015 20:26

Not sure about the Church - as a representative of the registry office, the clergy wouldn't be able to conduct a "wedding ceremony" for you as you'd already be married.

It helps if you remember that a registry office ceremony, and certain bit of the church service, are legally binding. Once they're done once, you can't legally do them again. It's not allowed.

But, you could have a blessing in church, which are often the full bells and whistles affair - a dress/bridesmaids and the like.