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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to Mary in secret then in public

79 replies

secretsecrets · 29/12/2015 18:46

OK please bear with me.

Been with my partner for over 11 years we have 2 children together and a property together that we all live in as our family home.

I'm a sahm. My partner works. We haven't been married before due to saving for a house then having children. Reason is we have always wanted a marriage and a wedding...the wedding we will be a bit and we would have to save for it ourselves. Thing is now we want the legal protection a marriage gives...but can't afford a wedding yet...in fact haven't even started saving yet...we're talking years.

We're thinking of getting married and telling absolutely no one...then in many years to come when we can afford it do the whole engaged married wedding hen do thing then with no one knowing we are already married so this will be the wedding as far as people know....can that even be done...married twice as we wouldn't want anyone to know we was already married?

Reason no one can know is because there would be an uproar from both sides of our families not coming to the registry office if they found out we was married but we would like to be married now for legal reasons but would like the experience of a marriage and a wedding in the future when we can afford it with everyone the way we would do it now if we had lots of money. We don't want the registry office wedding be the experience with friends and family..but want them to experience it with us the way we dreamed but can't yet afford.

Aibu to do it at a registry to cover legal reasons and then do it again many years down the line and have the wedding we both want when we have saved for it.

Please don't tear me apart I'm trying to figure this all out in my head as I go.

Reason we won't go solicitors and get all the cover without marrying is because it will cost a he'll of a lot more..money we don't have yet.

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 29/12/2015 20:27

I mean, not married already - but someone else will know the legality....

sooperdooper · 29/12/2015 20:27

sooper, I think that poster was probably thinking of things like new bank accounts or holiday insurance etc, when you fill in something in new it always asks marital status

But why is that an issue? Nobody else would know

Jibberjabberjooo · 29/12/2015 20:29

You can't get married twice. You can do the legal stuff then have a blessing or humanist ceremony with the party at a later date.

bertiebow · 29/12/2015 20:33

You won't be able to have the second "wedding" in a church if it's a real wedding ceremony you're wanting - you'd be married already! But you could have a ten minute registry office wedding to make you legally married and then a blessing in church (with bridesmaids, party and all the trimmings if you like). You just need to check with the vicar.

Tamponlady · 29/12/2015 20:38

You will start your marriage off on a lie hurt people you love if you want it to be just the two of you then have the balls and do so it will up set people but it will devastate people

We have 30 people at our wedding and were unapologetic about it some people were up set but people would have been more cross if we tried to deceive people

ivykaty44 · 29/12/2015 20:43

Once you get a hotel or manor house involved you start putting the cost up for the catering

Would you be happy with a village hall and a beautifully catered simple meal? As this would reduce the cost considerably?

Or as someone else said get all guests to bring a dish for a lovely homemade biffett bringing all family and friends together

Weddings are surely about the romance and love, not the food and drink?

Polyethyl · 29/12/2015 20:50

My friend did this. Private civil ceremony without her parents and step parents.
Then a church wedding with a friendly and helpful vicar. You would have to have been an eclesiastical expert to notice which words were left out of the formal wedding which was the only evidence that it wasn't also a legal wedding.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/12/2015 20:58

tampon why will people the OP love be hurt?
Marriage is a legal transaction - I wouldn't invite my family to watch when I signed my will!

A wedding is the public declaration of commitment to each other - a marriage is nothing more than a sworn statement to uphold the law!

Tamponlady · 29/12/2015 21:01

As long as she's upfront then there is no issue

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/12/2015 21:05

But why does the OP have to tell people that she's married?

Marriage is no different from signing any other legal agreement - a wedding is the public declaration.

DickDewy · 29/12/2015 21:07

It all sounds rather silly to me.

If a big traditional white wedding is what you want (which to me is a bit daft as you live together and have kids already), do as others have said - get a register office marriage & then have a renewal or something later.

Don't deceive people - that's just peculiar.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/12/2015 21:11

Why is it deceit?

I haven't told my family about other legal contracts I've entered into - or when I signed my will, for instance.
Why is marriage different? It's a legal status, that's all.
When I was prepared to share my commitment to my DH with others, then we celebrated with a wedding and shared that with them.
Until then, marriage is just a legal status - one that everyone has the right to keep to themselves without judgement or condemnation.

Fizrim · 29/12/2015 21:25

I don't think you are being very realistic here, unfortunately. I would just have a small, quiet wedding (just a registry office ceremony).

No way can you have two legal weddings. If you portray the second celebration as a 'wedding' and people find out that it wasn't, they will be annoyed (what about your children for a start!). You are expecting people to fork out for a hen do when you've already been married for years in the future?

DickDewy · 29/12/2015 21:29

It's deceitful as far as I'm concerned - it involves an element of being untruthful.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 29/12/2015 21:36

So just have a private ceremony with only two witnesses present and then a big party when you can afford it? imo people get bored with the wordy bits anyway!

lorelei9 · 29/12/2015 21:48

this is a really interesting thread
I do agree that you are entitled to keep your private life and legal status private

I suppose my difficulty is that people see weddings as a big deal, partly because they assume (I now see, perhaps wrongly) that it is the time of the marriage. The majority will not assume that they are attending the wedding party of someone who got married 10 years ago.

in turn, I think the reason that matters is that people attach so much importance to what they see as being present for part of the marriage, esp as you say you want to marry in church. They then might make a bigger deal than they would for a ten year anniversary for example - in terms of travelling, staying in hotels, spending on gifts etc. it doesn't make a huge amount of sense but I don't get weddings anyway.

so then if you have a hen party and a wedding, I think people will assume -rightly or wrongly - that you are only just then getting married and will feel they have been deceived.

this is why, on balance, I'd just do it as a vow renewal or something, but I am now seeing the point of view that the party is the party and theoretically you could have been married for years.

it's been an education!

I do think people will feel particularly conned if you invite them to a hen party, especially if they have to pay a lot for it.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 29/12/2015 22:35

It's deceitful as far as I'm concerned - it involves an element of being untruthful

Untruthful about what?

In my case, I never claimed my wedding was when I got married. Neither did anyone else.
If the people I invited assumed that DH and I "married" on the same day as our wedding, then why should I pre-emt that by telling them I'm already married?

I suppose I see it the way I do as I've been a guest at several non-conformist and a couple of Hindu weddings; where the 'legal bit' is done by just the couple in the Reg office beforehand and the celebration is the wedding which everyone knows about and attends. The Reg office is just the 'legal bit'.

(The whole 'stag and hen do' thing is a bit alien to me though - I'm not sure it applies to anyone, single or married, who have been living as a couple with DCs, does it?)

rosewithoutthorns · 29/12/2015 22:57

If you want to run away and get married just the two of you, then do it, why not. It's up to you and no one else. If others are put out by it then so what.

Why a marriage has to be public knowledge is beyond me.

Come back and say you're married then invite everyone to your party.

Fantastic.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 30/12/2015 09:28

Lying to them still seems very wrong.

You will be asking them to dress up, travel, buy gifts for what they believe is your marriage but is actually a fake and you will have been married for years.

Saying its a vow renewal is different, they won't go to as much trouble and no need for gifts.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 30/12/2015 09:54

You will be asking them to dress up, travel, buy gifts for what they believe is your marriage but is actually a fake and you will have been married for years.

It's a celebration of their commitment to each other, surely?
Guests of Couples who get married in non conformist churches don't make "less effort" because the couple are already actually 'married' in a registry office, do they?
Hindu couples don't say - oh, this is just the public religious bit, we had to get married in the reg office last week.

I'm amazed that people seem to think that they will be cheated if they're not present at a couples legal transaction despite being invited to share that couples public statement of commitment to each other.

Fizrim · 30/12/2015 10:03

The OP is talking about a difference of years between the legal commitment and the party. People may feel differently about attending a party versus a wedding. The OP has said she wants a hen do (when she's already married ...) and for everyone to turn up to the Church, party, etc without letting them know she is married and thinking that it is the big day. That is very deceitful IMO, may not be the opinion of others but if she tells the truth then people have the option of attending or not.

Headofthehive55 · 30/12/2015 10:25

Not sure why you'd bother making much effort for a huge party when it as the not even your wedding.

Why don't you just have a small do? The real thing? It costs as much as you want it to.

Headofthehive55 · 30/12/2015 10:27

To me the wedding is the actual legal bit, I'm not interested in celebrating at a party and have turned down invites because it's just the evening do as to me that's not the wedding.

yankeecandle4 · 30/12/2015 10:41

I came on here thinking there was some nativity activity going on

Seriouslyffs · 30/12/2015 11:13

How much do you think you need to get married? Could any of your family loan you the money? Assuming (and I know it's a big assume) you have parents apiece and an elderly generous aunt could you write to them all explaining that you'd like to be married but can't afford the ceremony you think such a loving commitment deserves and you'd like to celebrate with the ones you love and can you loan us £2000 each please?
Apologies if this is out of the question. Also as interest rates are so low could you remortgage £8000? That'd be less painful than saving it.

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