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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can my friend not put her FIL to be on the top table?

89 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 29/12/2015 11:20

I'm asking for my friends... They're getting married and are sorting their seating plan. A huge issue is the grooms father, who is NC with 50% of his children (who will be there) and is generally not a nice person.

Grooms stepfather however, is wonderful, and Bride just assumed he would be on the top table by default. The groom agrees but is really worried about how his father will behave if he isn't sat there...

The bride has a separate issue with it, in that the Grooms F has seriously terrible table manners. I can't believe I'm writing this about a grown man but I've actually seen it myself in a restaurant and at a party, he burps loudly without excusing himself, he is extremely loud and brash, and the worst thing is, he picks up his plate and licks it at the end of the meal. I swear this is true, even though I know it sounds like it isn't.

The bride said she's been really embarrassed when they've met up with him and he's behaved this way, and she can't bear the thought of him doing it at her wedding let alone the top table and in all her photos from the meal, and in front of her family.

He has form for causing trouble with the siblings he doesn't have contact with, and also with his ex wife and her new husband who are amazing, lovely people (with excellent table manners! )

They're here on tenterhooks awaiting a majority decision

WWYD?

OP posts:

LalaLyra · 30/12/2015 06:20

If the Groom wants to invite his father then he needs to forgo a top table for any more than 2 people.

It's just asking for his father to kick off if he is the only 'senior' relative not on the top table.

If he's going to be then the parents should be 'hosting' tables so that he can be kept far apart from those he needs to be parted from in a way that doesn't invite him kicking off.

Sometimes in life you simply can't have it all, and there's no way this Groom can invite his father AND have the top table with everyone else on it without it kicking off.

daisychain01 · 30/12/2015 06:32

Let's face it you've been given an unsolvable rubiks cube of a problem, the groom really should man up and stop with all the guilt nonsense.

If the Father is already NC with several siblings, then this person. Is being foisted on them for no benefit to anyone. People will be on tender hooks for the meal wishing they weren't having to be near him.

Shouldn't the groom just accept that one bad apple could jeopardise an otherwise happy day and not invite him?

LineyReborn · 30/12/2015 06:38

The issue with the children alone means, to me, that the groom is out of order inviting him to the wedding at all. And if I were the mother of the children I would not attend and I would not let my children attend.

If this man kicks off it will be horrible for the children - and probably quite frightening.

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2015 06:42

Jeez, this is impossible!

My first thought was to just not invite him. He'll be like a loaded gun and everyone will be on tenterhooks waiting for him to go off. That's not really fair on anyone.

Groom won't go down that line though, so that's a big problem. Do the groom and bride honestly think he'll kick off and antagonise people? If yes then the groom really does need to reconsider inviting him to the reception part. Would he prefer his new bride to be in tears on their wedding day if it all kicks off, just because he felt 'guilty'?

If they don't think he's likely to kick off then can't the groom just talk to him??? 'Hey dad, got a bit of a problem with the seating plan ...... '

I'd be very wary of spy boy. Make sure he isn't told too much

areyoubeingserviced · 30/12/2015 06:56

We had a fairly relaxed top table.
In fact a few latecomers sat at the top table
My family hosted their own tables

Costacoffeeplease · 30/12/2015 07:04

Does the groom know that everyone else will definitely attend if his father will be there? I know I wouldn't if it was someone I had had to call the police on - and in fact I didn't go to a close relative's wedding for a much less serious reason

If the groom insists on inviting his father he may well find he's sitting at a half empty top table/reception anyway

RamblingRedRose · 30/12/2015 07:21

I know put some photos of their wedding on Facebook, and I couldn't help but notice that their step dad was pride of place at the top table and his biological dad was nowhere to be seen. I was a bit surprised as I thought they were still in contact with the biological dad but perhaps not anymore.

Anyway, with regard to this problem, I think the groom should go with his gut and seat him at the table of seven. It seems the best solution.

BathshebaDarkstone · 30/12/2015 07:25

There's a lot to be said for a picnic and then adjourning to a pub...

RideEmCowgirl · 30/12/2015 07:45

How do the guest's who are NC with him feel about him being there?

I would be concerned about them not coming due to him being there.

PiccalilliSandwiches · 30/12/2015 07:46

IMO the groom needs to give his head a wobble. He is putting his guilt above everyone else's happiness. He is risking the entire day and his own relationships with siblings.

Does he really want this man to be in the lives of his future children? Would he trust an angry, threatening man to babysit?

Does he really want him there or just feel guilty if he's not? Perhaps he should read about FOG and have a serious think.

With split families a compromise has to be made. We were lucky and only wanted to be married rather than the big day (completely personal preference not criticising) and so went abroad. Couldn't have considered my mother and father in the same room. My DBs did it and I had to babysit and play peacemaker all day at their weddings. And neither of my parents are violent or threatening.

In the end the groom has to choose between upsetting 10+ people, putting children at risk, risking other family members refusing to attend including MoH, or annoying his father. There can not be an answer that will suit everyone. His father has made that impossible, which is why IMO it should be his father that pays the price.

Moonriver1 · 30/12/2015 08:26

It makes me so angry that one, selfish, horrible person is causing this much anxiety and stress. A man no-one even wants there - I imagine even the groom is only asking him through guilt and obligation!

I predict that this man will ruin the wedding so the groom will go no contact afterwards anyway.

He should just do it now and get this arsehole out of his life.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 30/12/2015 09:27

I think if he has been threatening to other people who are now NC and that the police had to be called, the groom needs to realise that

if he invites, his siblings and others may decline. They are NC for a reason
if they invite and dad turns up, he will create a scene. I think from what you have written, it's inevitable really, top table or not.
say dad does come and does behave on the top table, the atmosphere from the NC relatives and dad will spoil the meal and possible the day.

The question you need to ask is basically is it worth it?

Take dad out for a full on slap up meal around the wedding date. Spend time with him but I would say you cannot invite him due to police involvement before and threatening behaviour.

Russellgroupserf · 30/12/2015 10:21

I think the groom needs to have some professional therapy about his levels of guilt.

G1veMeStrength · 30/12/2015 10:33

We had a top table of 2, with around 30 people on a few other tables, I don't think anyone felt offended. They are all talking to us 15 years on at least except the best man who ran off with a woman he met on the stag do

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