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Original poster

Can my friend not put her FIL to be on the top table?

89 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 29/12/2015 11:20

I'm asking for my friends... They're getting married and are sorting their seating plan. A huge issue is the grooms father, who is NC with 50% of his children (who will be there) and is generally not a nice person.

Grooms stepfather however, is wonderful, and Bride just assumed he would be on the top table by default. The groom agrees but is really worried about how his father will behave if he isn't sat there...

The bride has a separate issue with it, in that the Grooms F has seriously terrible table manners. I can't believe I'm writing this about a grown man but I've actually seen it myself in a restaurant and at a party, he burps loudly without excusing himself, he is extremely loud and brash, and the worst thing is, he picks up his plate and licks it at the end of the meal. I swear this is true, even though I know it sounds like it isn't.

The bride said she's been really embarrassed when they've met up with him and he's behaved this way, and she can't bear the thought of him doing it at her wedding let alone the top table and in all her photos from the meal, and in front of her family.

He has form for causing trouble with the siblings he doesn't have contact with, and also with his ex wife and her new husband who are amazing, lovely people (with excellent table manners! Wink)

They're here on tenterhooks awaiting a majority decision Smile

WWYD?

OP posts:
titchy · 29/12/2015 13:54

Everyone needs to know in advance who is attending and what the seating plan is, to minimise any aggro on the day.

Secondly don't have lots of tables at all. Have say a Stonehenge style arrangement, with 4 seat at one end (bride, groom, best man and father of bride - i.e. Speech makers), then two columns of tables for everyone else. FoG can be at the end of one column, others on opposite end of other column. If people are sat either side of both columns he can even have his back to everyone he is NC with!

If there are less than 70 guests this might not work, but parents each hosting a table will work in that scenario.

BaronessBomburst · 29/12/2015 14:02

I vote with putting him in the corner on a table of seven.
And alert the staff. They should be able to remove him quickly and discreetly in the event that he kicks off. Stuff like this happens at weddings and they'll be used to it.

Cockbollocks · 29/12/2015 14:07

They are crazy to invite him and he WILL ruin their wedding, wherever he sits.

My father was invited to my brothers wedding, but just the wedding he was not allowed at the reception. He was NC with 3 of his 5 children and now has virtually NC with any of us and has only met 2 of his 6 grandchildren.

I actually felt a bit sorry for him at the wedding as he sat at the back and barely spoke to anyone, however he is a complete and utter narcissistic knobhead so I don't feel that sorry for him.

MillionToOneChances · 29/12/2015 14:20

If he's invited and not on the top table, they can't have the groom's stepfather on the top table or it would massively increase the chance of trouble. I agree with all PP who have suggested that if you must have him there the top table should be pared down to speech makers only.

Inertia · 29/12/2015 14:35

If the groom really wants his father there, then he has to talk to him in advance and explain that the father won't be able to sit at the top table due to his threatening behaviour towards other family members. The groom can then explain that the father will be seated with people he knows well. Either the father accepts this, or he kicks off -in which case the invitation is rescinded.

Could a couple of the friends be recruited to act as 'handlers' and keep an eye on him?

Damselindestress · 29/12/2015 14:59

I feel sorry for the groom's sister and BIL TBH. What a terrible position for him to put them in, miss his wedding and be seen as the bad guys or be stuck in a room with the person who threatened them so badly the police had to be involved. This wedding is going to be excruciatingly awkward no matter who is sat where and I can't believe the couple are dwelling on seating arrangements and appearances rather than their siblings' safety. The phrase rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic seems apt.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 29/12/2015 16:11

Maybe there is more to the threatening/police being called story than we know. I think the groom is best placed to judge who he invites to his wedding.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 29/12/2015 16:14

It was because they are NC as I said before, and they had DC he had never met. They moved house and through a mistake with a sibling he found out where they lived and called non stop, left awful voicemails and eventually showed up demanding to see the children... (Who have no idea who he is.) He wouldn't leave and wouldn't stop with the threats so the police had to be called.

OP posts:
knobblyknee · 29/12/2015 16:19

I'd be worried about why the groom is so worried about offending him.

ImperialBlether · 29/12/2015 16:20

Why on earth invite him? So many people will be made uncomfortable if he's there and there's potentially going to be violence from him, if he's drunk, too. Why spoil the groomsmen's day by making them babysit him? And let the stepfather be the father he's always been, too. Don't undermine him by inviting the 'real' father along.

Would he even find out about it? Presumably he's not on anyone's Facebook, is he?

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 29/12/2015 16:23

One of the grooms brothers is friendly with him. He is too young to remember a time he actually lived with them and as such, and he's a bit of a spy.

OP posts:
munkisocks · 29/12/2015 16:28

Our top table was bride, groom, my parents and in laws so 6. We put bridesmaids and groomsmen on their own separate table.

munkisocks · 29/12/2015 16:31

Tbh I wouldn't invite as he'll ruin the day. It'll be his own fault so no one should feel guilty.

MrsMook · 29/12/2015 16:33

If he must be invited, I wouldn't have him on the top table.

We sat with our witnesses/ ushers and not family. The traditional set up didn't work for us anyway and between relatives that don't get on, and other members of the traditional wedding party having young families etc it made most sense to spread out on to several tables. The people making speeches were a little spread, but positioned to be in a clear view of the rest of the room.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 29/12/2015 22:46

DH and I didn't even have a top table.. In fact no seating plan at all!

Stratter5 · 29/12/2015 22:57

If the police have been involved it would be horribly unfair on the MoH and her DH to invite him. That trumps any guilt the groom is feeling imo.

What do you mean by 'a bit of a spy'.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 29/12/2015 23:00

A bit of a spy in that he'll tell the grooms father everything that everyone is doing...

OP posts:
Stratter5 · 29/12/2015 23:05

Ah, how bloody irritating.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2015 23:07

It's a recipe for disaster.

I suggest they elope...

Shakirasma · 29/12/2015 23:30

Are those grandchildren he demanded to see going to be there? If so its out of order to even invite him, that's really out of order to his Dsis and her DH.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 29/12/2015 23:34

They are going to be there.

OP posts:
HanYOLO · 29/12/2015 23:38

If he has to be invited, then I would seat him elsewhere, but dispense with the whole top table stuff as a. nonsense and b. underlines where he is placed in the family, playing to his insecurities and making a kick off more likely.

Canyouforgiveher · 29/12/2015 23:42

Don't have a top table - it isn't a requirement.

Friend and dh can sit with siblings or friends. The nice parents can sit with their sibliings or/and friends. the awful father in law can sit with whoever can be persuaded to take him on.

People can make speeches from wherever they are sitting. For my best friends wedding, I was her bridesmaid. DH and I sat with her and her husband, plus two other couples- one a friend of hers and one a friend of his. Me, the best man (another table), her father (another table) and someone else all made speeches by standing up at their table. It was lovely.

Or don't invite him.

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 30/12/2015 00:06

ask the hotel or whatever to put out ten settings at the table and pretend that the jones have not turned up.

alternatively do not invite him. anyone who behaves in a way that require the intervention of the police is not welcome.

Fiona80 · 30/12/2015 06:12

Don't have his SF at head table it will only magnify the fact that his father is not sat there.

I would have bride n groom and maid of honour and best man at the head table. And if if it needs to be longer then other siblings or close friends. Parents don't need to be sat there. They can be sat elsewhere with their own sets of relatives entertaining them.

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