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Original poster

Can my friend not put her FIL to be on the top table?

89 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 29/12/2015 11:20

I'm asking for my friends... They're getting married and are sorting their seating plan. A huge issue is the grooms father, who is NC with 50% of his children (who will be there) and is generally not a nice person.

Grooms stepfather however, is wonderful, and Bride just assumed he would be on the top table by default. The groom agrees but is really worried about how his father will behave if he isn't sat there...

The bride has a separate issue with it, in that the Grooms F has seriously terrible table manners. I can't believe I'm writing this about a grown man but I've actually seen it myself in a restaurant and at a party, he burps loudly without excusing himself, he is extremely loud and brash, and the worst thing is, he picks up his plate and licks it at the end of the meal. I swear this is true, even though I know it sounds like it isn't.

The bride said she's been really embarrassed when they've met up with him and he's behaved this way, and she can't bear the thought of him doing it at her wedding let alone the top table and in all her photos from the meal, and in front of her family.

He has form for causing trouble with the siblings he doesn't have contact with, and also with his ex wife and her new husband who are amazing, lovely people (with excellent table manners! Wink)

They're here on tenterhooks awaiting a majority decision Smile

WWYD?

OP posts:
tharsheblows · 29/12/2015 12:19

Or not even dummy place settings because the staff has cleared them away prior to dinner. The table was supposed to be 10 but then Bob and Sue and little Annie (she's such a cutie) couldn't make it due to an unexpected bereavement in the family.

CalleighDoodle · 29/12/2015 12:21

My nephew and his wife didnt have a top Table. They had a table for two just for them.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2015 12:23

Your further update re BM and MoH make it more necessary (imo) that he isn't invited.

If he guilt-trips the groom, what's the downside of the groom going NC?

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 29/12/2015 12:23

A place on the couch, it's not just about the table manners (though that is an issue.) it's that at least four of the people on the top table are people he cannot be sat with... By his own doing.

Best man - grooms sisters husband
Grooms mother
Brides father
Bride
Groom
Brides mother
Grooms stepfather ?
Maid of honour - grooms sister.

So where could he fit if he did sit there?

OP posts:
Redlocks28 · 29/12/2015 12:24

Tradition would be to have the groom's mother and father on the top table. Obviously that doesn't suit you because your DH's mum has remarried so I really don't think tradition is going to much help here!

I probably wouldn't put the groom's mum and step dad on the top table and not the dad though. I'd do both or neither.

I would break with the usual formalities and sit on a table with my friends, I'd put DH's mum/step dad with their friends/family and DH's dad with his friends.

Viviennemary · 29/12/2015 12:25

I'd say don't invite him. Rather than invite him and not follow tradition. Because that will only give him something to complain about and cause a scene. He can't be invited and relegated to second division. If half the family aren't speaking a wedding is an ideal venue for a great family row. Don't take the risk.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 29/12/2015 12:25

They've been NC before, but the groom has been really racked with guilt during these times and really shoulders the responsibility of him for his siblings.

OP posts:
Kaytee1987 · 29/12/2015 12:26

Could he perhaps 'host' the table? Btw I doubt anyone would notice less people at a certain table. Most people don't have an exactly even number at a wedding. Say they have 107 guests how would they place them anyway?

knobblyknee · 29/12/2015 12:28

If he has threatened two other people and they had the police involved why is he at the wedding at all? He's obviously a complete shit.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 29/12/2015 12:30

That's a lot of people's opinion, but you can't really argue with the grooms feelings and he knows no one else would do anything, they'll just keep away from him.

OP posts:
Perniciousness · 29/12/2015 12:33

Umm, the update changes things a bit...

I wouldn't invite him.

TheCarpenter · 29/12/2015 12:41

I honestly wouldn't invite him.

He's going to be the protagonist in one of those awful wedding stories where he and his behaviour are all people remember. At worst it'll kick off and at best it'll be remember when X's Dad licked his plate.

I know it's not easy, but we excluded some close family from our wedding and although there was some backlash I'd do it again tomorrow. I spent my wedding enjoying myself rather than watching out for the inevitable tantrums from grown ups and the fight that would follow

APlaceOnTheCouch · 29/12/2015 12:45

The groom has and wants a relationship with his DF so it's not fair on the groom to put pressure on that especially at his wedding.

MaryPoppins personally when there are step-parents involved (even if they all behave impeccably) I'd take all the parents off the top table. I'd have them 'hosting' different tables around the room. If the bride is reluctant to do that because she 'wants' her family at the top table and thinks a different table is an insult then she has to appreciate that's how it will look and feel to her new FIL is he is the only one banished to a different table.

If the bride wants her parents at the top table then have the parents (including the FIL) at the top table and the best man, bridesmaids 'host' tables in the room.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 29/12/2015 12:45

Who else is in contention for places on the top table? Could they limit it to those who are giving speeches and partners? So bride & groom, best man and maid of honor and father and mother of bride?

StrictlyMumDancing · 29/12/2015 12:45

If the groom feels his guilt will outweight his wedding day, then his feelings need to be taken into account.

I think, given that the father is likely to be invited, there are some very credible options already given:

  1. Have the parents/other significant family host a table each. So MIL and SFIL host one, FIL hosts one, MoB and FoB host one, some grandparents host one, etc. And arrange tables so there's people friendly or ok with each host at them.
  1. Make the table of 7 a table of 10 but have some 'unexpected fall out' from these guests. There's likely to be some non attendees anyway, so its not likely to be the only table with drop outs.

If FIL kicks off about not being on the top table then it needs pointing out to him that it was his behaviour that means he absolutely cannot be sat with the other members of the wedding party.

I suppose there's a third option of maybe politely asking SFIL if he would also mind not being at the top table and therefore there's no groom father figure present at it?

Whocansay · 29/12/2015 12:58

The groom is asking for trouble and the strong possibility of police involvement at his wedding. Do not invite this guy. It will not end well.

If I was MOH an her DH and I found out that he was going - and that he was going to be on the same table - I would decline altogether.

HairForNow · 29/12/2015 13:07

First suggestion would be to not invite him.
Do not put him on the to table, tradition has gone out the window, you can have a top table of 2 or 20. I don't think I've been to a wedding with a "traditional" set up as usually someone is divorced etc.
No one will motive a table of 7 compared to others of 10, it happens all the time with set numbers.
If you do still invite him, prep friends to watch him and remove him if he's kicking off. Especially seeing as family members have had to have the police involved.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 29/12/2015 13:13

I think it's very unfair for posters to suggest the groom doesn't invite his DF when he has made it clear he wants to invite him, and he has maintained a relationship with him through all the other family traumas.

Crumpet1 · 29/12/2015 13:14

I would either not invite him or not put him on the top table. They may feel guilty but the day will soon pass and they'll get over it.
I had a similar problem with my mum, she was NC with my sister and would have caused trouble. I decided not to invite her in the end, but then fortunately or unfortunately depending which way you look at it she died before the invites were sent out. It certainly solved that problem.

Point is, it's their day and they can do what they like, he'll have to lump it.

Moonriver1 · 29/12/2015 13:19

Don't put him on the top table.

It's the only way.

If he's offended he's offended - I know groom is stressed about it all and doesn't want a drama, but the very honest and simple answer if challenged by the father is 'we literally couldn't work out a way for you to sit on top table with X, X and X, as you can understand since you don't talk to half of them'.

Hope your friends Wink enjoy their wedding and this enormous arse of a man doesn't ruin it for them.

GabiSolis · 29/12/2015 13:36

The only solution if they are sure they want him there is to have a top table of two so no one receives a priority seat other than the bride and groom.

alltouchedout · 29/12/2015 13:42

I don't think the groom is being fair on those guests who have already had to seek the help of police in protecting themselves from this man. He might want a relationship with the man but why should his previous victims have to be in his presence?

MargaretCabbage · 29/12/2015 13:47

At my wedding only my DH and I sat at the top table. There were various relatives who didn't want to sit by each other and the only fair way was to sit on our own, and arrange the tables so nobody had to sit by someone they didn't want to. I actually loved it in the end, as it was nice to have some time to chat with each other.

amarmai · 29/12/2015 13:49

you are beginning a new life together. This is the time to make decisions about who you want as part of it , espec if you have cc. To allow yourself to be ruled by manipulated guilt is weak + why does your dh feel guilt?

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 29/12/2015 13:51

He's not my DH, it's our friends wedding, not mine... But she didn't have an account and I said I'd ask.

OP posts: