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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being ungrateful?

77 replies

MerryDickCrack · 29/12/2015 00:31

My mother is staying. She's just stormed off to bed after I said that I don't like getting cheques for birthdays and Xmas and would prefer a gift with some thought even for a far less value.
Backstory, I got a cheque for my 40th birthday. A lot of money - £500 - but my exp had asked her to chip in instead with his gift, which was very generous (in hindsight it was guilt driven over ow). She refused insisting she had her own gift. It was a cheque. Nothing to open.
Every other birthday it's a cheque for £50. Xmas she gives me money to cover what I need to buy, in past it's been a tumble dryer, a dressing table, etc.
I'm a single parent. Dcs too small to buy me anything. I have a few lovely friends who get me bits to open but essentially I never get an actual gift which has required thought from anyone anymore and it hurts. Makes me feel worthless.
Despite working ft and being a single parent and running around most weekends for dm who complains if I don't that she is lonely and bored, this year and last few she's even given me money to get dcs gifts from her.
I am feeling upset...

OP posts:
Horsemad · 29/12/2015 09:51

I'd always prefer a cheque to a present that isn't to my taste tbh.

This is what my Mum does: sends a cheque for the family to be divided between us - and I'm always a bit put out that she doesn't ever send something to open instead!

My MIL on the other hand, loves buying presents, but as I'm not her greatest fan, I hate getting gifts from her and when she asked one year what I'd like I asked for the money and that's what she does every year now.

I am contrary, I know! Hmm

Licketysplit9 · 29/12/2015 10:00

I think your mum had the best intentions. That is a massive gift and she probably thought you would be able to a) feel slightly more comfortable financially and b) buy something nice for yourself too.

I understand your view. Cash just gets sucked into the overdraft and whatnot and sometimes you want thoughtful gift. But as your mum has discovered, sometimes (often) people get gifts totally wrong and she probably doesn't want to risk buying you something (that gathers fluff for months until you finally ebay it) when she thinks you could be using that cash towards better uses.

If your EXP has wronged you in the past, she's unlikely to want to club together with him to make him look like Mr Generosity.

I think you need to apologise tbh. She knows now that you would like a physical present, but it sounds like it might have been tackled a bit badly. And I can't see how anyone can accuse her of being selfish.

ghostspirit · 29/12/2015 10:01

threads like this upset me. some people get nothing at all. since my dad died 10 years ago i have had every xmas alone. well me and the kids its got a bit better as they have got older. but when they were younger it was horrible. i dont get no phone call. no acknowledgement of xmas what so ever. i dont get a single thing to open from family or friends. not even a card. its very sad and lonely. and there are other people in a far worse situation than me. and you get 500 and a few gifts from friends and your moaning about it.

for me this year has been better as im seeing someone and he has bought me a few bits which are lovely.

Snowglobe1 · 29/12/2015 10:15

I think you are being ungrateful, yes. I also think you must have realised how the comment would upset your mum. I think you're being understandably oversensitive given your circumstances and imbuing gifts with too much meaning.

noeffingidea · 29/12/2015 10:16

If cash gets sucked into the overdraft then open a savings account and stick it in there.

leccybill · 29/12/2015 10:17

I don't think ungrateful is the right word really OP, I'm sure you are grateful for the money as it will go towards your money worries, but I guess you are just feeling a little unloved...that you weren't really in your mother's thoughts.

My (sort-of ex) SIL is a lone parent with money worries. She's had a shit year (her exDP got remarried, and she lost her job). She is absolutely lovely and has kept going and thinking of others while juggling f/t work and two DDs. I've bought her a Clarins gift box full of goodies. I just wanted to get her something indulgent and exciting to open. It's more that I've spent on my own sibling but he is loaded anyway.

Make sure you set aside a bit of that £500 for a treat for yourself, OP. Wrap it up, even! (Or ask your mum to!)

TheCrazyDuchess · 29/12/2015 10:18

Please read all my posts sensora before calling me nasty.

BringBackBagpuss · 29/12/2015 10:39

To just read your post, it does sound like YABU. I very seldom get a wrapped present from my parents (and I generally have to point to specific things in a catalogue for the children), however they are very generous with their cash, and also their time (babysitting the children when they can (don't live close, so not often), doing odd jobs around the house. But my mum loathes shopping, and neither of them are particularly creative in coming up with gift ideas.
I'm wondering if in your case you feel that the lack of present indicates a lack of attention from your mum generally? If your relationship with her is fine other than the gift giving, then you need to realise not everyone 'gets' present giving the same way, if you have other issues, try addressing these separately and you'll probably get more sympathy.

Sansoora · 29/12/2015 10:43

Crazy, I did, and your latter posts were very different to your earlier ones.

TheCrazyDuchess · 29/12/2015 10:46

I wasn't being nasty - was not my intention and OP I am sorry if I was harsh in any of my posts.

Sansoora · 29/12/2015 10:52

Crazy, my apologies for saying you were harsh. You're correct. Your posts were harsh.

TheCrazyDuchess · 29/12/2015 10:53

Point taken

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 29/12/2015 11:04

YABVU, you are heavily in debt and your mum very likely feels a cash gift is way more helpful than a tub of hand cream or whatever it is you want.

Spending the cash on non essentials like dressing tables etc isn't helping the situation.

You really seem to begrudge the fact that she didn't have to work, the fact is most parents have to work nowadays and just get on with it without the need for recognition.

I can imagine next year if she stops the cash and gives you a £5 gift set you'll be moaning even more.

BarbaraofSeville · 29/12/2015 11:05

YABU in a way. In your situation, cash can be much better than something you don't want/like/need.

Why don't you take £50/100 to buy a treat for you, and the rest for whatever helps the most -treats for DCs/bills/debts/repairs etc?

As an aside, have you had advice on how to deal with your debts? Is the amount owing going down and can you see an end?

Often people battle against debts for years without really getting anywhere due to interest/charges etc and it could be that a more formal solution is more appropriate.

Sansoora · 29/12/2015 12:02

Dolly, nasty. Sorry my apologies for saying you were nasty.

Sansoora · 29/12/2015 14:00

Dolly, nasty. Sorry my apologies for saying you were nasty.

Duchess, sorry.

I dont even have an excuse Blush

TheCrazyDuchess · 29/12/2015 14:12

Don't worry it's cool - trust me I have been called far worse Flowers

Theoretician · 29/12/2015 14:29

I'm of the view that financially independent adults shouldn't get presents, and that no-one old enough to be trusted with money should be given anything other than money.

Money is almost invariably a better gift for the recipient that what someone else will have chosen to buy them.

That's assuming that you are living at the value of the gift rationally and objectively. If what matters is the emotion evoked rather than the gift, then I think there should be some other way of evoking it than giving gifts.

Theoretician · 29/12/2015 14:30

looking at the value of the gift

Sansoora · 29/12/2015 15:43

Duchess, thank you Flowers

LotsOfShoes · 29/12/2015 16:08

YABU and ungrateful. I think especially because you're so broke that giving you money is the best thing to do. £400 is a lot of money by any standards. You would have preferred something you'll probably never use to such a big amount of cash when you're broke? She's thinking of you and your kids.
And a dressing table is a necessity, really? Hmm

allnewredfairy · 29/12/2015 16:09

YABU OP. I hope you can apolgise to your mum. You both need each other now and quarrelling over the shape and form of gifts is really irelevant when you both live each other isn't it?

allnewredfairy · 29/12/2015 16:10

Love not live ☺

baublesbells · 29/12/2015 16:13

YABU and ungrateful

My mother never remembers my birthday. I even went to visit her on my birthday and she never acknowledged it all

AnotherTimeMaybe · 29/12/2015 16:31

YABU sorry! Other than the fact that others got nothing this Christmas, don't you think you should be thinking about what you can buy your DCs with all that money? You d prefer a pointless gift that offers no value to your children just so that open a gift? You might want to think a bit more objectively, but I suspect you've gone through a lot and been a bit unloved in your life ! Same here but id given anything for £500!!
Enjoy the money, buy something special for you and say a big thank you to your DM, I assume she's not rich?!