Am I being ungrateful?

[MerryDickCrack]

My mother is staying. She's just stormed off to bed after I said that I don't like getting cheques for birthdays and Xmas and would prefer a gift with some thought even for a far less value.
Backstory, I got a cheque for my 40th birthday. A lot of money - £500 - but my exp had asked her to chip in instead with his gift, which was very generous (in hindsight it was guilt driven over ow). She refused insisting she had her own gift. It was a cheque. Nothing to open.
Every other birthday it's a cheque for £50. Xmas she gives me money to cover what I need to buy, in past it's been a tumble dryer, a dressing table, etc.
I'm a single parent. Dcs too small to buy me anything. I have a few lovely friends who get me bits to open but essentially I never get an actual gift which has required thought from anyone anymore and it hurts. Makes me feel worthless.
Despite working ft and being a single parent and running around most weekends for dm who complains if I don't that she is lonely and bored, this year and last few she's even given me money to get dcs gifts from her.
I am feeling upset...

In her own way she probably thinks the cash is being helpful..... it's her way.

Don't be sad. Go take a look at you beautiful babies sleeping - that never fails to put a smile on my face xxxxx

If you need to talk or vent (trust me I know complicated mum-daughter relationships) and being a lone parent PM me anytime. I'll always respond xxxx

Do you know what Duchess, I'm going to go get in bed with my babies right now - Xmas means bedtime film in mums bed and they are still there. Thanks for pm offer xxx

Best feeling in the world is sleeping with my giant baby (she is 7)

Sleep well, will be thinking of you xxx

I'm on the fence really as I totally sympathise with wanting just some thought to be put into a present from my mum. It's pretty much never happened. If I ever got a present on my birthday or at Christmas (hit and miss as it was) it would be handed over in the bag with "if you don't like it I'll keep it" etc. My dad never did presents at all for occasions like that, it just didn't occur to him, but now and then throughout my whole life he would just see something that he thought I'd like, like a CD or book, and buy it for me 'just because'. Those things would always be absolutely perfect. He knows me a lot more than my mum does, I don't think my mum ever really thinks about who I am IYSWIM.

I do feel a bit like now, with the big cheque they give me each year, that they are sort of trying to make up for the lack of thought. Or maybe they are oblivious. I am lucky to get lovely presents from my DH, DCs and DSCs, choosing presents is very important to all of us (needless to say in my case it is heavily influenced by what I wrote above). Sometimes when I describe something I've been given, my mum would be like, how did they know? And I want to say oh well they actually, you know, THINK about who I am, what makes me tick. If my 6yo can do it...

Do I wish they would really think about me and choose a nice (cheap) present, yes. Do I wish they would choose presents for the DCs rather than giving me money for it, yes. Do I wish they would, say, babysit now and again or help with the housework even a little when they visit (I have a disability)... hell yes. But they don't. The money is still much appreciated though, I'm learning to accept that they just don't think in the same way as I do about these things, and try to stop expecting them to change. So I just give them a big hug and enjoy telling them what the money will be used for. To sound horribly superficial, I do sometimes feel like the money (and the fact we can use it for things that make us happy as a family) does go some way for making up for it.

Big hugs, and I'm sorry you've been through such a tough time.

Enjoy your snuggles with your little ones. It is the best!

And you know what, I bet you will have a great relationship with your DCs as they grow and have families of their own. Sometimes, the best thing to come out of a tricky relationship with your own parents is the knowledge of how to avoid the same mistakes with your own kids

Also a single parent who's mum gives cash. Dad died some years ago now. I so understand the desire to have someone care and connect on a deeper level. You have brought tears to my eyes. It's so very hard on your own - I have just come to bed at 2am and have been working on lesson planning for the coming half term since 11am. Same for tomorrow - get as much as I can done whilst children are with dad.

On a practical note, is there any help we can give in dealing with debts etc? I am just about straight but it has taken 7 years and wouldn't take much to push me back over the edge!!! Hugs from me xxx

You are so, so ungrateful OP. I don't think I can really put into words how you come across. You are a grown adult receiving large sums of cash, yes you run around a lot as a single parent but all single parents have to do that. You are your DCs mother.

Perhaps your mother is a bit selfish - aren't we all, in some way? But she doesn't sound cruel. She sees that money will enable you and DC to have a lifestyle without money worries as such, which is key as a single parent.

Some have parents who don't give them a thing - no time, no money, no attention. Im betting if your DM stopped giving you large monetary gifts instead gave you a present, you would then say the present wasn't chosen or thought about carefully enough, or wasn't much, or too small etc. Is it your way or the highway?

You mention your ExP asked her to chip in with his gift. As if somehow she was wrong for not agreeing. She doesn't have to agree. She gave you something.

The giving of money isn't "impersonal" to everybody. Your DM may feel she is giving the best sort of gift. She is not you. You are not her.

Your post is depressing in entitlement but I suppose you will be indulged.

Bloody hell, don't sugar the pill, will you?

I also have money worries, so am always delighted with any cash or cheque, in fact, my family have stopped giving me gifts in the main and always give me money, the difference here being that I love this, as I can then focus it on what's most essential, or even a luxury for that year.

I don't think your mum could have been expected to know you don't want money, given you don't have very much of it!

It sounds like you are angry and frustrated with her, it's hard to see from this post what she has done wrong, you seem angry she had a better house and lifestyle than you at the same age (I sympathise, mine too, that's very common these days).

Perhaps as others have said, you are really grieving and it is coming out in this way. Perhaps also the cheques will stop now. I think you are quite foolish to have lashed out at her, all for the sake of getting something 'chosen' when in reality, not that many people are great at choosing gifts and you may really end up with a £10 gift that isn't all that. I can see how it fits with a more ideal mum/daughter relationship but I'm not sure that is realistic from where you are now.

I would think about how you would like to change your relationship- why are you running around after her on weekends? Do you want to spend so much time with her? Is it a bit suffocating? Perhaps there are things that could be changed, but also remember, she's just a human being too and isn't perfect, and her crime of giving you money is not really that bad as parental crimes go.

I think you are being very ungrateful. You are in a dire financial situation and your mother is giving you generous cash gifts which you are free to do with as you like.

And I see you complain you buy things you need with this money (one of which was a dressing table- no-one needs a dressing table) Are you hinting she should provide the things you need without their being present?

You complain her cash gifts will get swallowed up in the general household bills, presumably you'd be even worse off she weren't so generous.

As for her refusing to "chip in" with your ex for a 40th birthday present why should she? If he wanted to be generous that's up to him.

Don't apologise I am totally fine with it.

Crazy, some of your rather nasty posts tell an entirely different story.

I have an aunt like this, very generous but finds it difficult to choose presents. I think some people just struggle, lack imagination etc. So when she gives money I buy something that I really want, a luxury item such as perfume, and then I tell her that's what I have done and she is pleased. I get exactly what I want and she gives me exactly what I want - win, win.

I also think that there are other issues here; now your dad has gone you and your mum are expecting more from each other and struggling with this - it's still very early in the grieving process and if your DP has cheated on you, it's not surprising that you are feeling vulnerable and in a bad place right now.

I wish you a better year in 2016.

I get what you are saying totally - and have had to explain it to someone close once who didn't understand either. I'm a LP too, and whilst money is nice, the thought that someone - anyone - has seen something (cheaper) and thought 'Fos would love that' ie gone out and thought of me rather than written a cheque and made me feel a bit of a sad case (Fos is poor, I'd better give her money) means the world. Been given money and been told to choose something is like being given another task to do at an already busy time. Yes, I know it sounds terribly ungrateful, but knowing that someone thought of you is also important - you just want to know that someone cared enough to think of you one day rather than feeling a bit of a charity case. For those that the cash would be spent on a treat yes it is lovely - but when you know it just is used to keep yourself functioning, a hamper of favourite foods would be nicer - it would show that they cared.

And I don't care if I sound ungrateful - just because I'm poor doesn't mean I don't want to feel special to someone. Here OP - sorry they are only virtual.

My family give money or vouchers usually and I'd prefer a gift, but it's not a big deal and I would never say anything.

But your mum probably thinks she is being thoughtful - she is being very generous with the monetary gifts.

The fact you say she barely looks at gifts you get her and puts them away is a clue here as to how she views this, clearly she would rather have money to buy exactly what she wants than a gift that's not quite right.

Also I can't get past the fact your dad died died recently. Yes he was your dad but he was her husband, the man she'd lived with most of her life presumably and I think you need to put her needs before yours on this one and let her win the grieving competition you speak of!

I don't think you are being ungrateful, I just think you need to sit back, lose the anger and self pity a moment, and think about this from her point of view too.

Both my sons get cheques for birthdays and christmas. I really hope that they do not feel like you do. They can use the money to get what they want. Whether it is to pay a bill, or put it towards a holiday or car or whatever.

I do think Yabu. But I can see where you are coming from. Especially because of your bereavement.

I don't think it was the right time to bring it up. This Christmas must be very difficult for you both.

Given your financial situation I would say that money if probably the best gift that she can give you. Yes it's nice to get presents, but that money could be the difference between paying a bill or not.

Personally if you are skint I think cash is the best gift you can get.

You said yourself that the big gesture your ex made was to cover up the guilt about the OW. So a big gesture doesn't necessarily mean anything.

You are having a difficult year because you are grieving your dad. She is grieving her husband.

Both awful positions to be. Why did you feel the need to bring it up now?

Are there underlying reason that you are angry at your mum and decided this was you way to vent ?

Surely you knew this would be hurtful for her to hear?

I don't think you're BU, OP, and I suspect this gift problem is a seemingly-trivial tip of the iceberg type of situation.

It sounds like you have spent many years being the only person in the family who does the caring about gifts, and now you're thinking "Where's the care for my needs?"

If your mum is normally supportive and caring and unselfish in other ways, I would try to manage your expectations and just say "My mum's a crap gift giver and receiver and she's never going to change" and also start giving her cash instead of choosing gifts.

If however she has a long pattern of being self-absorbed and expecting you to fulfill her emotional needs and look after her (you mention running around after her most weekends) then maybe it's time to have a closer look at whether this relationship with her is positive or negative for your health.

Can you not buy your own gift with the money OP?

My folks are money givers (in fact most of my family are - even for the kids) and I always use the money to treat myself (or kids if they money is for them)

Win, win.

I think you want love - having lost you Dad and Ex you want somone who 'gets' you and will buy you the perfect item that shows they listen to you and appreciate you. Its understandable but not really your mums job.

Yes, you do sound ungrateful. Your mother is giving you the money to go and choose something for yourself, something that you really want rather than risk wasting money on something you don't really want or need.
I'm a single parent too, I have been very poor and I used to rely on christmas and birthday presents for things that I needed for myself (such as clothes). I can remember feeling really gutted one year when my Mum bought me a couple of nighties, because they're not essential. I was relieved when she started sending me money instead, because that was what I really needed and she understood that.
You're an adult now, why do you need a wrapped up present from your Mum to show she loves you?

You are being ungrateful and come across as a bit spoilt...

You have some money issues and it's likely your mum thinks it's better to give you money so you can do with it what you want (buy a pot of useless face cream and with what's left over maybe pay something off your debt of buy your kids a little something or have a day out because you have no money) rather than give you a pot of useless face cream.

Yanbu to feel you want something to open. YabVu to bitch at your mum about it after she's just given you £500!
How ungrateful, yes. And rude too.

I used to get awesome presents from my parents, but since mum died I only ever get money from my dad. Not even a card, just "I put money in to your account". And whilst the money are hugely helpful, we're desperately poor, part of me feels very sad there is no gift that's been put any thought in to. And that makes me feel very guilty too, since it is a little bit ungrateful - so I can completely understand where you're coming from. I think part of the Christmas spirit is to put thought in to a present, rather than just a money exchange. Though I don't think I could be unhappy about £500 tbh!

YABU.

You sound very ungrateful, and have a very generous mother. Poor her