AIBU to expect DH to pay for all meals out?

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I do all the cooking at home - all of it, unless it's cereal or toast, as DH can't/won't cook. DH and I both work full time and we have two DSs - 3yo and 16mo. This means that I do a shit-load of batch-cooking to cope, including taking annual leave from work to cook if the freezer starts running low. DH does do the washing up, but it isn't nearly as time-consuming as planning, shopping for and preparing cooked-from-scratch meals all week.

At the weekend, we eat a couple of meals out as a family - nothing outrageously fancy. Usually just Frankie and Benny's or something equally kid-friendly and unglamorous, but it gives me a welcome break and the DCs like the change of scenery and the opportunity for chips.

Now, DH earns twice as much as I do. We have a joint account that we pay bills from which we contribute to proportional to our pay, but eating out gets paid for by DH. He's been getting increasingly huffy about this, with arsey sighs when he pulls his card out, then today he said I should pay for some meals out. I've told him in the past that if he expects me to pay, I really can't afford it, but I'd be happy to cook something a bit special instead so long as he keeps the DCs out of the kitchen. He thinks I'm being tight but I'm honestly not - in the past year, my new purchases have amounted to three pairs of the cheapest jeans from M&S and three jumpers off Amazon. DH has bought himself a midlife crisis classic VW campervan.

Given the amount of cooking I do, and the amount he earns in comparison to me, AIBU to expect him to pay for all meals out?

You say you have £0.00 in your bank account - I hope you have savings, investments and a pension plan in your own name?

He has, in the past, apologised to me for getting tight-arsed and defensive about money. I'm waiting to see if an apology will be forthcoming in this case, but I see no sign yet.

Blows my mind too.

Unspeakably selfish.

Jesus wept, I've been more generous with flatmates than he is with his own wife and kids.

Ragwort I have a lovely NHS pension plus AVC. It's my own personal savings that have £0.00. Our joint savings are healthier.

Agree with you there Expat, and even worse the OP just makes light of things and puts up smiley faces!

And my bank/current account is not £0.00. Just my personal savings (drained by two lots of fairly close mat leave).

In fairness, he did buy me an outrageously expensive coffee machine that I've been eyeing up for ages for Christmas. It seems to be more day-to-day stuff that he gets uptight about and I have no idea why.

'And my bank/current account is not £0.00. Just my personal savings (drained by two lots of fairly close mat leave).'

Bet his isn't. But he's fine with his wife's draining hers after she gave birth to their children.

Seriously, he saw you coming.

So you have joint savings... Why is either of you expecting family meals to be given as presents to each other? They are regular family expenses - pay for them from family money and stop expecting an apology.

No, his isn't at all, but then he also doesn't have the security of the pension that I do, so he puts more into his savings. I'm pretty confident I'll be the higher earner when we're retired.

They are regular family expenses - pay for them from family money and stop expecting an apology.

I've said a few times now round that that's what I'll plan to do. I'd still like an apology from him, though, for being an arse.

I don't think proportional contributions work all that well either. Say you have income of £1000/month, he has £2000 and bills/ food/mortgage £2000. So approx. £667 from you and £1333 from him. Leaves him £667 and you £333. All ok, but what is paid from what's left? If you have any individual essentials (petrol, transport, professional expenses, phone contract etc.) your £333 will quickly get eaten up leaving you with next to nothing whilst he (assuming similar) has £500 still to spend on whatever. Doesn't seem fair to me unless you manage to use joint account for all but luxurys

Well, dipping shortbread into clotted cream didn't assuage my desire for an omelette. I'll make my own then.... the pan's just heating up...less than a £1 to make I'm sure. It would be nice if ....never mind....tiz an omelette, might forget the cutlery and eat it with my....
pension plan.

"We might do a bit of recalculating to see how much extra this would be for me and see if it can be factored in. It might be a small amount for me to pay each month rather than a big hit every now and again, exactly when something expensive is due like my professional registration or whatever."

No, no, no!!! He needs to recalculate how much he is adding to the family pot. It's not for you to add more in at all. You should work out contributions proportionately. I cannot believe you used your own savings to fund your mat leave. And his response to you showing him your bank account details is disgusting. Please OP wake up and see this for what it is.

SteveMilliband That's a very good point, actually. My commuting costs are much higher than his (two hours of driving a day for me, versus about half an hour for him so my petrol costs are way higher), I have professional memberships and registrations that he doesn't...maybe talk with him about putting those in the joint pot.

Anyone else just glad that they don't have his 'n hers money?
Sounds a real source of discord.

He needs to recalculate how much he is adding to the family pot. It's not for you to add more in at all. You should work out contributions proportionately.

We do contribute proportionately and, as a result, he puts far more into the family pot than I do.

I cannot believe you used your own savings to fund your mat leave.

Sorry? Where did I say that? I used up my savings on mat leave, yes, but it's mainly so I didn't remain housebound. He upped the amount he put into the joint account when I dropped down to mat pay so I wasn't any more out of pocket than I was already.

It's all just so . . . mean. Most people enjoy treating people they love.

Op... just reverse the situation and imagine if you earned more. Would you feel comfortable spending your spare cash on holidays with friends/designer handbags/super bikes/whatever whilst your dh scrabbled about for the cash for lunch or wore supermarket clothes? I don't think you would because you're a decent person. Marriage is meant to be an equal partnership. You undervalue your contribution to the family whilst you've overvalued his. I am all for maintaining some degree of independence and protecting yourself, but from the outside you just look a bit tragic with your empty purse and flash campervan on the drive.

DH and I have very different incomes - in this case I'm the higher earner - and for various reasons over the years have chosen not to have an actual joint account. What we do, however, is make sure that both of us have enough disposable income. This means that we don't pay bills proportionately to income for the simple reason that because of the discrepancy in our incomes, even paying proportionately would leave him skint! Instead, we have particular bills that each of us pays (instead of a joint acc) and we each keep whatever we have left. I still have more disposable income than he does, but I also spend a lot more on clothes etc (smart workwear vs polos and jeans for him), generally buy a lot more for the house or our DC and so it works out.

When there's a big difference in salaries and big bills (childcare and a mortgage) then proportionate to income often won't work simply because the total is too high and so leaves the lower earner with insufficient funds. I think that's the problem you have here - he's going to have to start contributing more than his income based proportion until your expenses fall overall. It sounds like even a shift of £100-£200 a month would make a huge difference to you.

Did he use any of his savings while you were on mat leave op?

"We do contribute proportionately and, as a result, he puts far more into the family pot than I do."

But not enough if you cannot afford to buy clothes, yet he buys a camper van. It's so very wrong, I cannot understand why you can't see that.

All this niggling and 'nickel and diming'. What a negative energy sapper.

I'm finding it hard to believe this man is going to pay off the mortgage when he begrudges paying for lunch!

I think you either need to readdress your finances, maybe all family meals could be paid from your joint funds? If not, you're both part of one unit working towards the same thing, so all income (no matter who contributes more/less) should be paid into one account and you both have roughly the same amount each for personal spending - I'm very lucky, I only contribute 20% to household income but DH suggested we do this 20 years ago and it's always worked - no arguments, he knows I'm careful anyway and we both consult eachother about anything other than normal household running costs and purchases.

If you can't adjust finances, then jobs in the house needs to be split 50/50. If shopping and cooking in bulk are down to you and say it take seven hours a week and you cook more at weekends to avoid eating out, then he needs to put roughly the same amount of time into washing up (which he does do) and other things around the house like hoovering, cleaning bathroom, ironing - whatever you both agree on. I'm sure he could manage the odd ready meal with some peas or salad on the side occasionally so you get a break!!