AIBU to expect DH to pay for all meals out?

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I do all the cooking at home - all of it, unless it's cereal or toast, as DH can't/won't cook. DH and I both work full time and we have two DSs - 3yo and 16mo. This means that I do a shit-load of batch-cooking to cope, including taking annual leave from work to cook if the freezer starts running low. DH does do the washing up, but it isn't nearly as time-consuming as planning, shopping for and preparing cooked-from-scratch meals all week.

At the weekend, we eat a couple of meals out as a family - nothing outrageously fancy. Usually just Frankie and Benny's or something equally kid-friendly and unglamorous, but it gives me a welcome break and the DCs like the change of scenery and the opportunity for chips.

Now, DH earns twice as much as I do. We have a joint account that we pay bills from which we contribute to proportional to our pay, but eating out gets paid for by DH. He's been getting increasingly huffy about this, with arsey sighs when he pulls his card out, then today he said I should pay for some meals out. I've told him in the past that if he expects me to pay, I really can't afford it, but I'd be happy to cook something a bit special instead so long as he keeps the DCs out of the kitchen. He thinks I'm being tight but I'm honestly not - in the past year, my new purchases have amounted to three pairs of the cheapest jeans from M&S and three jumpers off Amazon. DH has bought himself a midlife crisis classic VW campervan.

Given the amount of cooking I do, and the amount he earns in comparison to me, AIBU to expect him to pay for all meals out?

Personally, I think the issue is that he's making a point about the silliness of "his" and "hers" not "ours." There is no internal logic to telling him to spend "his" money on their lunch.

First of all why do you tolerate this> I would not have stood one week with a masn who pretended to cook. You just give them a kick up the bottom, give them a lap top/tablet with the recipe on and say make sure it's ready by 7. Why enable this failure to cook? I cannot understand relatinoships like that. Take action. Say you want to cook alternate months only and his month starts on 1 Jan. Done deal.

Secondly I earned 10x my children's father. Why not make your new year resolution to earn not half what your husband earns but double what he earns. It rocks. Many earn more than their husbands do. Why do you earn less?

Fortunately, life and relationships are not just about who earns what and who pays for what - unless you make them all about that. Mutual respect, sharing important decisions (and sharing more generally), tolerance and giving each other equal status within the relationship are hugely important.

Secondly I earned 10x my children's father. Why not make your new year resolution to earn not half what your husband earns but double what he earns. It rocks. Many earn more than their husbands do. Why do you earn less?

wtf???

Yes OP pop out and get a job that pays twice as much as dh. It's really that simple you know

I'm not really sure what the problem is then.

He cooks or he pays to eat out, the choice is his.

The best route is to club money together and then have the same amount of spends each. I don't understand why OP objects

Elphaba
I am the high earner in our family (like DG above around 10x more) and we don't use a joint account much. However, we have allocated bills fairly so we have similar disposable income. If we paid in proportionately then I would have 10x the disposable income of DH (wayhay! camper van here I come ).

I think you need to take some time and possibly get some counselling about your relationship with money. I think you have taken on some sensible messages about financial independence and twisted and woven them into a straitjacket that makes you want to control money to the point that that need for control is damaging you. I suspect you see the money your DH earns as his money because it is important to you that the money you earn is your money (you can't have one without the other). I could easily become controlling about money as it is important security for me after an insecure childhood (one parent was ill and died when I was a teenager). The drive to pay off the mortgage resonates too! I have had to force myself to relax a bit more about money and recognise that DH has an equally valid viewpoint on how money is spent, to allow us to work as a team. We still have our own money and savings but there is a good dialogue around what we need, what we want and who pays for what.

I can't work out if your DH was being selfish over the campervan or just sick of putting his dreams on hold to meet the desire to clear the mortgage.

Cooking and eating in, and paying to eat out are two slightly different things and bring different benefits. One takes time and effort, the other costs more money but frees up more time for the whole family to spend together. It shouldn't be tit for tat. The OP just needs to be more honest with herself about whether she thinks the current arrangement of her doing all the cooking is fair, as one minute she is saying she is fine with it and the next expecting her dh to pay her back for it by paying for meals out. Are the meals out supposed to be agreeable family time or an excuse for her dh not to cook when it's "his turn"?

It's strange that your desire to retain financial independence in case you ever split up is effectively putting you at a disadvantage while you are actually married.

I think you need to relax about the whole thing because you do sound like a bit of a martyr, buying the cheapest of jeans and jumpers.

The money is there, go get yourself what you need and stop being so rigid about how you access it.

If your DH is how you describe in your posts he won't give a shite about topping up the joint account for you.

This thread is bonkers

DH's chores aren't nearly so time consuming as mine - division of labour is equal

DH earns more by working nights and weekends - I do more solo childcare but it has had no impact on enabling DH to earn more

DH bought a £30K camper van and I have zero money - Spending £30K has had no impact on family money

in the past year, my new purchases have amounted to three pairs of the cheapest jeans from M&S and three jumpers off Amazon. I have no money in my bank account. I can't afford to pay for a meal out - I can afford to buy clothes, it's other people who said I couldn't

I don't use pre made pasta sauce due to salt and sugar - we eat at Frankie and Benny's or similar twice a week

I work full time in a professional job - I'm on the bones of my arse

DH doesn't have access to our savings - campervangate

AIBU? - No, YANBU - YES I AM!!

I batch cook roast potatoes!!!!!

I still don't get the maths here.

You earn x. And contribute y to the joint account. X - y is very small - just enough for a pair of cheap jeans.

Your dh earns 2x. And contributes 2y. So has 2(x -y) left. Just enough for two pairs of jeans presumably.

But there is also this "mortgage fund" which doubles up as "dh's treat fund". And has so many thousands in that a £30k camper van purchase is not going to stop you paying off your mortgage? Where does this money come from? Was it earnt by your dh? On top of his 2x? So perhaps he really earns 3x? Or 4x? In which case shouldn't he be paying 3y or 4y into the joint account?

I just can't fathom a marriage where two people are both working really hard both in and out of the home and one can afford a £30k camper van and the other is stressing about paying for a pair of jeans or chicken and chips for 4.

Something has gone very very strange here.

Why on earth did your dh not say "you've only got £40 for the rest of the month - that's ridiculous - we need to rethink our finances" as opposed to "you have £40 for the rest of the month - give it to me to pay for the meal I have insisted on going to."

I was also wondering about DH can't access the savings vs campervangate.

Could be possible if they have a current account mortgage and have overpaid? I have a debit card in my pocket that theoretically gives me access to a large chunk of mortgage cash.
In reality I assume the bank would want to run extra checks if I wanted to whack £30k on it...

I suspect that the OP is sleep deprived and irrational, and that the financial controls she has put in place are a bit of a security blanket even though they are effectively hurting her. There seems to be a huge desire to be in control, even if the status quo is unnecessarily painful, and I agree with some other posters that there must be something very deep seated int he OP that makes her feel that that is good and right.

I agree that the details of the finances don't really make sense. The first post states the dh earns twice as much, but subsequent posts seem to show a much bigger disparity. Although that may be because the OP is taking on lots of essential costs as being her responsibility that should be shared, or that she sees the overtime earning as over and above normal income.

When dh and I sat down to figure out our living costs we put down all our monthly spending, and then thought about other more one off type costs like house insurance etc. There were lots of things we missed on first glance. We had to be quite thorough because we have had massive issues about money in the past, so getting everything into the open was essential.

Like the OP I am naturally more of a miser, and dh more of a spender. When we had a joint account it worked really badly as I saved and he spent, and I regularly got very very angry. Now we know the score, how much we each have to pay and how much we each get to spend (roughly the same amount, although I earn more). I get to save, he gets to spend and we are both happy. I know that my miserlyness is unhealthy and he knows his spendshriftness is too. We both try and moderate. The point of contention tends to come when dh expects me to pay for things just because he knows I'm likely to have the funds, but essentially he is the one that wants them (usually takeout pizza for us).

OP look back over what you have said over this thread. You have said that the money set up is unfair. You have also said you do far more work at home. You are building up resentment which could cause huge damage to your relationship. Talk to your dh and make some changes. Stop treating him as a teenager who has to spend money on stupid things and can't possibly cook. He is an adult and can change his ways quite easily. Cooking is not hard!

It seems odd that when it comes to childcare - in the case of DH working weekends and her looking after the children - the OP insists that parenthood cannot be quantified in monetary terms: 'I don't do it in exchange for anything'. Well of course that's true.

But when it comes to marriage - the OP insists on quantifying it in strict monetary terms. You only get out what you put in financially. So the fact that the OP risked her life to bear children, parents solo at weekends so DH can earn more, does all the cooking and shopping, uses holiday allowance to batch cook etc... This earns her precisely £0 so she can draw precisely £0 out of the marital finances.

All that slaving over a hot stove and she doesn't even get a free meal out of it.

I agree cooking's not hard. Anyone can do it - it's like brushing your teeth or wiping your bum.

I'm surprised the OP doesn't recognise 'poor helpless man act' when she sees it.

If DH makes maximum fuss and drama out of cooking, buggers it up enough he won't have to do it.

The reason he gets stressed is just because he's inexperienced. If he'd taken some time to learn the basic steps and practice it would be easy peasy.

But - cooking's quite boring maybe that's why he avoids it.

I have skim read the thread and just wanted to add this.

Classic vw camper vans are marvellous (we have one although "classic" is a stretch too far!) but by heck ask anyone who's got one they can very easily be massive money pits, even if they are in brilliant condition when you bought it.

We actually have a joint completely separate campervan bank account we save up for in going and ignore seen breakdown and repairs.

My advice would be save the eating out money and dh get practising cooking on two gas rings :)

Ongoing and unforeseen!

Definitely rethink the overall approach to finances. Equal proportions work well pre-kids when incomes are fairly even. Post-kids when additional family expenses begin its just too complicated. Equalised disposable income has worked well for us since DC1. I'm PT and DH earns considerably more. Equally being PT I pick up more of the household admin than he does because I'm around more.

But also stop being so hard on yourself. You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself with all the cooking. Ready made pesto is fine especially with young children.

HamaTime has nailed it. The contradictory elements of all this are bizarre. In particular, the way that a man earning a sizable salary, many times that of his wife's, is reduced to a quivering mess of insecurity by even stepping into the kitchen.

Wouldn't three nights a week of him a) putting supermarket cheese and tomato pizzas into the oven, b) making beans on toast (which you've said he can do) and c) boiling pasta and sloshing a few spoonfuls of pesto on it be acceptable to make life a little easier for you, and avoid the stress over meals out and the cost of them?

Per the other comments, I don't think you're taking on board that your dh is able to earn more money because you are doing more (unpaid) childcare. It's your affair but since you had a dc2 I don't think you've thought through the financial implications to you and your career properly. Has the issue you started this thread for gone anywhere in terms of his not huffing at paying for family meals?

Ps I agree I'm possibly one of the world's worst cooks but even i can knock up a quick homemade soup or some ready cooked grains/cheese/veg combo in 30 mins

maybe dh needs to go on a cookery class

its not hard to boil some rice/pasta or make some mash and add it to whatever you are cooking - im not great on veggie meals but sure quorn/tufu can be added to stuff

totally understand being able to stand on 2 feet, im the same

DF and i have a joint account for bills but we both have our own accounts and money, df god bless him is a spender, im a saver so having all in one pot wouldnt work for us

childcare, do you pay for 2 places at nursery or does dh share childcare costs as them being in a nursery enable him to work as well

I haven't read all the thread, I've skimmed most of your responses OP.

Me and DH don't have a joint account at all. DH works full time, I get sickness benefits as I cannot work. Obviously DH gets a lot more than me. We work it so we have the exact same spending money left.

I add up the sum of our bills and the total of our income through various means. Then I deduct the amount of the bills and what is left is split equally so we have the same spending money and neither of us ever complains about what the other spends. It does mean that DH pays far more of the bills. I do pay my share but I do think it is fair that we get the same spending money.

I think your DH needs to be putting more into the bills pot and you less so you have more personal spending money.

I'd hate to be reliant on money from someone and I also wouldn't want to have to check if it was ok to buy something and I also wouldn't want to get annoyed when he was spending money on more crap. Separate finances work well for us and I cannot understand why more people don't do it.

But you haven't got separate financescfsucks you have joint finances with equal personal spends. If the op did that she wouldn't have the ridiculous issue of her dh (the man who promised in law to share his life with her, and if she ever divorced the law would give her half of that bloody campervan) having 30k to splash whilst she scrabbles about finding money for lunch or a jumper. It's pathetic in the truly sad sense of the word.

We don't have joint finances. DH pays the bills he pays out of his money (which is much more than I pay out) and I pay the stuff I pay with my money. It's just worked out that we are left with the same amount after we have paid out. No joint accounts, nothing. Not even the same bank.