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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if it's ok to end a friendship for no reason?

55 replies

DorothyL · 27/12/2015 08:28

I used to be quite good friends with somebody, but now I feel we have nothing in common and I am too busy, I have tried to get the message across by not contacting her but at xmas she rang the doorbell to drop off a card and asked when we'd meet up, I do feel bad but is there an obligation in life to continue friendships forever?

OP posts:
MadauntofA · 27/12/2015 08:35

You sound charming!

KnockMeDown · 27/12/2015 08:36

It sounds as if she thought you were better friends than you actually were. I guess no one can make you keep in contact, but you could let her know? Do you have other friends that you are not too busy for?

DropYourSword · 27/12/2015 08:38

No, there's no obligation. People change as they get older, grow up and move on sometimes. It astonishes me to see how many people surround themselves with people they can barely seem to stand anymore, and spending sometimes a lot of effort maintaining almost poisonous relationships.

Original poster
DorothyL · 27/12/2015 08:39

I do have other friends, yes. Meetings with her were basically about listening to her complain about her ex for ages, no real interest in me or my circumstances.

OP posts:
CallMeACynicBut · 27/12/2015 08:39

No, it isn't OK. HTH.

tibbawyrots · 27/12/2015 08:40

No obligation but it's easier to lose friends than it is to make friends especially as you get older.

Dropping friends for no reason is the sort of thing 6 year olds do.

AlanPacino · 27/12/2015 08:40

Are you quite young? I've only ever deliberately ended one friendship and that was because they routinely made me feel shit and it was still horrible to do. You'd probably feel you had more in common if you met up for a coffee. Personally I'd warm to someone who made that sort of effort but I'm friendly like that. Smile

Original poster
DorothyL · 27/12/2015 08:41

CallMe, but why? We are "allowed" to end other relationships - intimate ones, employment, clubs etc when we feel the need to move on - why not friendships?

OP posts:
HortonWho · 27/12/2015 08:44

Did you sign a contract? Then it's ok to not to be friends with another adult if you don't enjoy being in their company. I'd happily end a friendship with anyone who actual said to me "she sounds charming" in real life. Unless she was the queen. She could pull it off, just.

90sforever · 27/12/2015 08:47

I find this a bit tricky. I had a very old friend (uni) who constantly let me down. We were drinking buddies and she'd Constantly cancel, or I'd go a distance to meet her and she'd want to go home after 1 drink. I stopped contacting her because she was so unreliable. Now she occasionally emails or texts saying she misses me and wants to meet up. I don't feel I can have the conversation with her because she's hard to talk to about things like that, but also, years later, it seems like a stupid reason. But it's reason enough for me.

So what I'm Saying is yanbu but it's not always as straight forward as just ignoring them and hoping they go away

Original poster
DorothyL · 27/12/2015 08:47
Grin
OP posts:
Leelu6 · 27/12/2015 08:48

Yanbu, OP. Why would you put yourself through meetings with this friend if you are not feeling it?

Life's too short.

And reading your new post, she sounds like she's just using you for free therapy.

As Drop said, we grow and change, and our friendships reflect that.

Original poster
DorothyL · 27/12/2015 08:48

Sorry that grin was for Horton

OP posts:
CallMeACynicBut · 27/12/2015 08:49

That's an interesting question. I think the reason it's OK to break up with a partner and stop seeing them completely is that it's an exclusive relationship. You can't (by conventional standards!) just be less partnered with someone, so a complete break is acceptable even though painful. You can soften the waning of a friendship by not being absolute, and therefore you have an obligation to do that, for the sake of the other human being. Complete, one-sided breaks to friendships are only done by people who can't conceived the other person as a person as real as they are, e.g. six year olds. Employment, clubs etc. are not comparable. All IMHO!

Original poster
DorothyL · 27/12/2015 08:50

We spent a lot of time together when we were both sahm's, now I work full time and have three dc, one with sn, I just feel my leisure time is a very scarce resource!

OP posts:
BrandNewAndImproved · 27/12/2015 08:53

I think it's ok.

Your not obliged to spend your free time with people you don't want to.

CallMeACynicBut · 27/12/2015 08:53

So spend less time with her, say you're busy when you are, and don't feel guilty about it. Just don't make a one-sided absolute break; that's pointlessly painful.

Enjolrass · 27/12/2015 08:54

I think it's fine. But odd.

If you broke up with your partner there would be a discussion. It's also a exclusive relationship (usually) so there needs to be end. A relationship is different to a friendship. But there should be an ending.

It's not unusual for friends to drift apart. But just ignoring a friend who hasn't done anything isn't right imo. It will cause the other person hurt and that's not ok.

Original poster
DorothyL · 27/12/2015 08:56

CallMe, I think I agree, the problem with this particular friend is that she's very much all or nothing, so she expects days out together etc not just a coffee once a month. Also, she's very much into turning up unannounced which I hate!

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 27/12/2015 08:57

If all you do when you are together is listen to her moan, then it is not ending the friendship for no reason, it is because it is one sided and no fun!

Of course that is OK!

Leelu6 · 27/12/2015 08:59

OP, it sounds to me like your friend knows that you're trying to tactfully back out of the friendship and is refusing to let you do it. Why didn't she just post the Christmas card? Why drop it off on Xmas day?

You've tried to let her go nicely (no contact). Now you need to stay firm and refuse any meet ups (with polite excuses of course).

Aeroflotgirl · 27/12/2015 09:03

It sounds awful, to tell her might make her awful. Just keep being busy, eventually it will drift off.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/12/2015 09:04

You need to keep being busy, if she turns up unannounced pretend your not in.

PitPatKitKat · 27/12/2015 09:05

I this situation I would say let it drift, just be unavailable, even if that takes a while. Sounds like you just have different needs/expectations from friendship for now. So neither of you are at fault.

You never know, it might drift now, but you end up in similar places later in life and it could be nice that that door isn't totally shut by a big row or similar.

So, in short, you don't have to continue the friendship. But you also say she hasn't done anything wrong per se, so maybe best not to end it in a negative way. She doesn't deserve that. just like you don't have to be friends with anyone you don't want to be.

Duckdeamon · 27/12/2015 09:05

You have reasons for not wanting to meet up: you have much less leisure time than in the past and recently haven't enjoyed her company. Fair enough.