to wonder if it's ok to end a friendship for no reason?

[DorothyL]

I used to be quite good friends with somebody, but now I feel we have nothing in common and I am too busy, I have tried to get the message across by not contacting her but at xmas she rang the doorbell to drop off a card and asked when we'd meet up, I do feel bad but is there an obligation in life to continue friendships forever?

You've grown apart from someone, they are needy and demanding and won't give you space and turn up unannounced and can't take a hint. That's not 'no reason' to end a friendship, it's a few fairly compelling reasons.

IME trying to have a talk with someone like this doesn't work - they just keep proposing ways to fix things - generally by becoming even better, closer friends, which is not what you want. I think keeping being busy - - and not answering the door when you're not expecting someone! - - may be the only way. Good luck!

Of course you can end a friendship if you want to. Why wouldn't you.

However, maybe it is easier to just keep it going but only see each other rarely. That way no one is hurt and you don't need to listen too often to her issues.

I find it difficult to believe we haven't all been in this position at some point. And you certainly don't need to be 6 to feel this way. No you are not obliged to stay friends with people. Although if the reason is her going on about her ex, it would probably be better to have a conversation about that first?

I have less tolerance for crap friendships as I get older and would rather have fewer friends than persist witha friendship where i don't feel it's right

Its very rare I cut people out but I do withdraw from people and invest less if they are being arses. Sadly a lot of people arses.

As they say, friendships are for a reason or a season.

They certainly aren't a life long commitment,

Arrange a date suitably far off and then arrange the next one a bit further off. I had a friend who did this to me and I survived!

If it is a one sided relationship then it is fine to let it go.

I ended a fairly new friendship as all this person did was constantly talk about themselves every time we met and they could not care less about me or how I was. Life is too short to put up with that crap.

It's fine to end a friendship if you feel you have nothing in common and are too busy to meet up. But you should be fair and honest with the other person and explain that (even if you do it by email or text). Being unavailable and letting things drift is, in my opinion, cowardly and causes more hurt in the long run than being straight about the situation.

Speaking as someone who appears to have been dropped for no reason by a close and very old friend, I would say it would be kind to let her know it's over rather than continue to let her reach out to you and feel rejected.

We are "allowed" to end other relationships - intimate ones, employment, clubs etc when we feel the need to move on - why not friendships?

With those ones there is communication. You usually tell them why it's ending.

This is not what you are suggesting. Just dropping someone is hurtful.

I've had to limit contact with a particular friend. She isn't nasty - just hard work. So I limit our meetings to a certain activity which I can cope with.
I just don't have the heart to ditch her completely.

Just tell her that you don't want to be friends anymore, its not hard, you don't need to offer an explanation if you don't want to, although it would be the nice thing to do.

Ignoring someone until they get the message and stop trying to be your friend is ridiculous and immature (when there is not underlying reason)

All you need to do is tell her you don't want to continue with the friendship.

I think it's ok.

I have let a friend go this year - basically because I realised I didn't get any pleasure in the time I spent with her any more. We would meet for a coffee or drink and she would only talk about our children and her family. I came to realise that we had never discussed a book or film we'd enjoyed (I don't think she reads or goes to the cinema), she has no hobbies of her own and spends her entire weekends ferrying her children to various activities. So, although she is a sweet and kind person, I find her a bit boring tbh! And like op, and all of us, have very limited free time.

"Charming" because you just want to drop a friend without telling her why - tell her you are struggling to meet up so often because you are busy etc or be honest with her - we all change and lose old/ develop new friendships especially if you have kids, but ignoring/ avoiding her will just leave her wondering what she has said and will make it really awkward if you bump into her again. Most people would think it is really childish behaviour to dump a boyfriend by ignoring them - same goes for any adult relationship with a friend.

I don't get this 'cowardly' thing.

Being dropped is hurtful, sure. Being invited for coffee and told that I don't want to see you anymore because we have little in common, and you only ever talk about yourself, and you have intense relationship needs that I can't meet, is also hurtful, and humiliating as well. It becomes an outright rejection rather than an acceptance that our situations and temperaments are different and we've drifted apart.

Laying it out like this might also give the impression that if you change these things about yourself, I will be friends with you again. Which I may well not.

I've been both dropper and droppee in my time, and I would always much rather take a hint from someone always being too busy than have them sit me down and explain in detail why they don't want to be my friend anymore.

Partnerships, employment relationships & club memberships end formally because there are financial and other aspects of responsibility to the relationship that need clarity (you have sold your labour and are withdrawing it; you have paid for facilities you no longer wish to use; you may be sharing rent or a mortgage; there has been an expectation of monogamy that is now being dissolved, etc). Friendships are more fluid than this and rely more on social hints and cues.

Some people are so over the top about friendships and all the pressure to maintain them. Just tell her you are too busy to meet up then ignore. If she still doesn't take the hint then tell her the truth. That you don't have anything in common with her anymore.

If she doesn't listen to that then it is her problem not yours.

BipBip I know everyone deals with these things in different ways but I've been dropped twice: the first time I was sent a message detailing why the person no longer wanted to be friends with me. I knew exactly where I stood, there was no room for mixed messages and when asked by others why I never saw x anymore I was able to give an honest answer. And actually when her circumstances changed we picked up the friendship again.

The second time the other person waited for me to take the hint. This involved a long period of me thinking wow ex is 'busy' at the moment, I'm not sure if I believe her but maybe I'm just being paranoid. Even now I can guess at what I did wrong but I'm still not entirely sure. I'd much prefer to be told outright than to be left in limbo. Expecting someone to take the hint is fine if you are both on the same page but I think it has potential to cause much more hurt.

Yanbu op your circumstances have changed a lot since you became friends and you don't have the time now that you did then, but I really wouldn't just drop her or pretend to be out etc that's just cruel,

That's interesting, antspants. I guess it shows everyone is pretty different - and there's no way of knowing if you're on the same page until you're in the situation. I guess thats what makes this such a minefield.

The paranoia you describe at being subtly dropped would apply to me in spades if someone felt it necessary to tell me in writing they didn't want to be my friend anymore. I would feel like I'd been a massive pest. I suppose in my worldview telling someone to leave you alone is what you're driven to when they've repeatedly not taken hints and persisted in bothering you. As I'm learning here, it's not always meant like this, but I think I'd struggle not to take it this way.

Whereas when people have just been busy or haven't initiated contact, etc, I generally think, 'hey ho, that's a shame, they know where I am if they ever want to meet up' and stop bothering. There are a lot of people I just don't click with without their having done anything wrong that I can see how others might feel the same about me without it being my fault.

No, I don't think it's a decent thing to do. If everyone did that, we'd all drop each other when they no longer are 'useful' to us, making friendship an elaborate form of narcissism. We can drop dating partners because it's a completely different kind of relationship, in which it's known that you are 'trying things out' to see if a long-term commitment is appropriate. Friends may grow apart but one would hope they wouldn't stop giving a shit about each other like this.

It's bitterly hurtful to be on the receiving end of this; think of a friendship that matters to you and imagine how you'd feel if that friend stopped making any effort and basically said that they didn't care if they never saw you again.

Just re-read my post, ants, and wanted to make it absolutely clear that I didn't at all think you had been a pest to your first friend! Just that some people take a direct approach from the outset (and that worked really well for you & your friend - you were on the same page), whereas for others it would be a Plan B when subtler approaches hadn't worked.

So you can 'try out' a long-term commitment in a sexual relationship, but with a friend you're committed immediately, forever? Why?

Well no, you don't have to be friends with someone for ever or feel obliged to be someone's friend.

However, she clearly thinks you're friends if she dropped a card round at Christmas and asked when you were meeting up. You appear to feel you have 'moved on' from her but I feel it would be cruel to just drop her without another word.

It sounds like you used her for a period of time when it suited you but now it no longer does. By all means discontinue your friendship, but do it kindly. There's absolutely no reason in the world to do it any other way.

I feel we have nothing in common and I am too busy

It's not 'for no reason' then. You've outlined your reasons.

I think it's completely cruel to sit a friend down and outline why you no longer want anything to do with her - in the end, the relationship doesn't work for you so it's you, not her. There is no need to point out the other person's faults, especially when others may not see them as faults. She may find another lonely parent going through divorce who also has lots of time on her hands and talks a lot about her ex. That person wouldn't find anything wrong with her.

But I would also never "pick up" a friendship of someone who dropped me once - wouldn't bother investing my time and energy into the friendship again.

Just be honest with her in a polite way. It's better than ignoring and avoiding her, which is rude imho. You don't have to be friends but it's mean to "drop her" without telling her. How many times have you seen on mn about posters who have been cut out without any explanation and don't know why. It hurts people a great deal.

I don't think you should consider a friendship in terms of commitment. People come into your life and you try to treat them kindly and reasonably. It seems a bit naive to say 'you're in my life or you're out of it'. Lots of people are on the fringes of a life, moving through. If you try to be a kind and decent person, you will try to reflect that in how you treat the people that you know. Clearly there's a balance to how much you should be prepared to give, but most of us can manage to give a little, eventually. If you don't really care about doing the decent thing, then you can say what you like to people of course, without a thought for the hurt that will be caused. It's your life. But doesn't it reduce life to a tiny room where of People In My Life, in which constant re-evaluating brings some in and chucks others out depending on how they did in the most recent effort:payback evaluations? It seems a boring way to live.