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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DGM not giving brother present. ISBU?

57 replies

PiperChapstick · 25/12/2015 21:37

My 88yo granny is ill with terminal cancer. She is receiving care at home and my DM and aunties & uncles have been taking it in turns to go every day and be with her. She has not taken her illness well (understandably) and has been somewhat grumpy and difficult, and quite verbally abusive with her children when they help her - even her carers have been changed numerous times as she's upset so many (this info is relevant to story I'm not just slagging her off!)

Anyway she told DM that she's giving all her grandchildren (and she has many) £100 for Xmas when we see her on Boxing Day - but only to those who have visited her recently.

So me and DSis will get money as we go often but not our DBrother. Granny has confirmed this as she doesn't see why she should reward people who don't bother with her

DBrother is a lazy shit and there's no real excuse for him not visiting and taking his little girl. But a punishment seems really harsh. He could do with that money, he only has temporary work now and again and is desperate for a holiday in the summer.

Is granny BU? Should I keep my beak out? I'm dreading tomorrow when we'll all be there and he gets no money (she is the type to say "you're getting nothing because you haven't bothered with me").

And WIBU to see if DSis would like to give him a third of her money to DB and I'll do the same so we all get equal amounts?

We're all in our thirties BTW just in case anyone was wondering is DB was v young!

OP posts:

planter · 25/12/2015 21:38

SINBU

If he can't be arsed with her, why the hell should she being giving him £100?

RJnomore1 · 25/12/2015 21:39

I don't think she's bu at all.

Ughnotagain · 25/12/2015 21:39

Her money, she can do what she likes. I don't blame her tbh.

greenfolder · 25/12/2015 21:42

She can do as she likes imho. You describe him as a lazy shit yourself. If he was working long hours, lived hundreds of miles away etc it might be different. Good luck to her.

OwlinaTree · 25/12/2015 21:42

My granny went like this at the end, whenever you did go it was a moan about why you hadn't been for ages. She rang me once on xmas eve to complain that I hadn't given her an Xmas card. Well Granny its in the post and I've left you a present remember?

She did random rewarding too, to favoured family members.

No advice I'm afraid but you are not alone.

formerbabe · 25/12/2015 21:43

She is nbu...don't say anything. She's elderly, she's ill...she can do what she wants I reckon.

emwithme · 25/12/2015 21:44

Did your DB visit before she was ill?

I have cousins who didn't see my gran for months years before she died, guess who were sobbing and wailing the most at her funeral? She doesn't need to give ANY of you money, if she wants to give it to those who actually visit her, then that's up to her.

LagunaBubbles · 25/12/2015 21:45

Don't blame her. It must hurt that he makes zero effort to see her.

ilovesooty · 25/12/2015 21:45

She can do what she likes with her own money. She might be difficult but I don't see why your brother should necessarily expect anything.

sooperdooper · 25/12/2015 21:48

SINBU, maybe it'll be a lesson to him not to be such a lazy shit in the future, why should she give him any money??? Good for her, and it's his own fault - leave it be

notenoughbottle · 25/12/2015 21:53

Good on her! Why should she give him anything if he can't usually be bothered with her? I say she's got the right idea tbh! Yes she sounds a bit bitter and why wouldn't you be? Me and my sister are one of about 16 grandchildren and the only two who have ever been bothered enough to see our grandparents. My cousins sobbed away at my grandfathers funeral 9 months ago and have barely bothered my dgm since with even a phone call. They deserve crap all imo!

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/12/2015 21:53

I think she can do what she likes.

However, I had a relative who used to do this a lot and it ended up with me seeing her less. I felt like I was being paid to see her and that she was attempting to control people's behaviours. Seeing her less meant that I felt I wasn't seeing her in order to access her money IYSWIM.

I suppose what I should have done is said, "please stop making seeing you about money because it upsets me. I'd rather take that off the table and see you because I want to.". But I didn't.

Oysterbabe · 25/12/2015 21:55

He can't be fucked to visit his dying gran and you still think she should fund his holiday? Really?
I call fake.

RebootYourEngine · 25/12/2015 21:56

You said yourself that he is a lazy shit and doesnt bother with her so why should she give him anything.

Mmmmcake123 · 25/12/2015 21:56

Definitely not being unreasonable and it would be quite offensive to tell her how you think she should spend her money, she's an adult.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 25/12/2015 22:02

SINBU - seems like she has got the measure of him

If you want to sub your brother that's your call but sounds like you'll be subbing him for the rest of your life

ohtheholidays · 25/12/2015 22:05

Piper she's really ill and I bet terrified and in alot of pain and she's nearly 90.As hard as it may be you all need to cut her alot of slack,as others have said it is her money so it's her decision.

Arfarfanarf · 25/12/2015 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbsismyhero · 25/12/2015 22:07

so she is abusive to people who visit and he is expected to take his little girl to visit her? i wouldn't visit with my kids and i know you call him a lazy shit but he does work even if it's temporary most work is these days

she is being harsh and taking out her illness on people who don't deserve it no wonder people don't wish to visit

Chippednailvarnish · 25/12/2015 22:10

DBrother is a lazy shit and there's no real excuse for him not visiting

You're answered your own question.

FannyFifer · 25/12/2015 22:11

I'm on #TeamGranny

timelytess · 25/12/2015 22:12

She's doing what many old people do, and using what money she has to manipulate people, and to get back at them if they don't do what she wants. I've seen this so often. Take no notice and move on. Share with your brother if you want to, it makes it fairer.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 25/12/2015 22:14

Don't give him any of your share. Yu R granny might be a bit of a cantankerous poorly lady but it's up to her and fair enough really.

sleeponeday · 25/12/2015 22:14

I'd stay out of it, tbh.

PP are right. On the one hand she's using money to control her family, which is pretty shitty behaviour. On the other, she's giving presents to the people who care about her, and not those who don't. Your brother is choosing to avoid her because she's not pleasant to be around, which is fine, but in that case he can't expect handouts from her, either.

bettyberry · 25/12/2015 22:15

She can do what she likes with her own cash but as you say 'he's a temporary work and needs the cash' so he probably has many reasons for not visiting as often as everyone else.

Not to mention some people handle a relative with a terminal illness far differently to others. Some want to remember their relatives as they were when healthy so avoid them when they are very sick. Others need to be there right to the end.

Again, she can do what she likes with her money but by the sounds of it she is taking her anger at being very ill on everyone and anyone including those that are helping her which is really really sad to hear :(

also what MrsTerryPratchett said. Very wise words indeed. Some people do use money to guarantee they are not alone. It makes them bitter like my Gran. She only gives you a gift or birthday card if you visit. I live 300 miles away, am a carer to a child with anxiety, SEN and sensory issues. Travelling is very stressful so we don't visit as often as relatives who can drive. She makes her feelings on this known but it doesn't me we love her any less iyswim. These days I have chosen to not see her because I can't stand the sarcasm 'oh you've made time out of your very busy life to see us then?' when we do visit.

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