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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DGM not giving brother present. ISBU?

57 replies

PiperChapstick · 25/12/2015 21:37

My 88yo granny is ill with terminal cancer. She is receiving care at home and my DM and aunties & uncles have been taking it in turns to go every day and be with her. She has not taken her illness well (understandably) and has been somewhat grumpy and difficult, and quite verbally abusive with her children when they help her - even her carers have been changed numerous times as she's upset so many (this info is relevant to story I'm not just slagging her off!)

Anyway she told DM that she's giving all her grandchildren (and she has many) £100 for Xmas when we see her on Boxing Day - but only to those who have visited her recently.

So me and DSis will get money as we go often but not our DBrother. Granny has confirmed this as she doesn't see why she should reward people who don't bother with her Confused

DBrother is a lazy shit and there's no real excuse for him not visiting and taking his little girl. But a punishment seems really harsh. He could do with that money, he only has temporary work now and again and is desperate for a holiday in the summer.

Is granny BU? Should I keep my beak out? I'm dreading tomorrow when we'll all be there and he gets no money (she is the type to say "you're getting nothing because you haven't bothered with me").

And WIBU to see if DSis would like to give him a third of her money to DB and I'll do the same so we all get equal amounts?

We're all in our thirties BTW just in case anyone was wondering is DB was v young!

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 25/12/2015 22:15

Not unreasonable to share, though. But commenting to him or her either way would be unwise, IMO. Families are usually a cesspit of ambivalent emotional entanglements, and trying to avoid getting sucked in to other people's conflicts is the lone path to sanity. Or so sane people tell me.

eastwest · 25/12/2015 22:23

She's not actually punishing him for not visiting - she is rewarding you and the others for visiting. Subtle but important difference IMO. It's sad she feels she has to control with money but... she's 88, she's facing death, if she acts unreasonably can you really be surprised and blame her?
If you and your sister want to share with your brother that's up to you. It's your gran's money to do with as she likes, and once she's given it to you, it's your money to do with you as you like.

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/12/2015 22:31

DBrother is a lazy shit and there's no real excuse for him not visiting and taking his little girl.

Wouldn't this

and has been somewhat grumpy and difficult, and quite verbally abusive with her children when they help her - even her carers have been changed numerous times as she's upset so many

be a suitable reason? I wouldn't want to chance a child being verbally abused.

FeelingSmurfy · 25/12/2015 23:05

If this is unusual then it could be that the cancer has spread to her brain. That happened with my gran and I was the apple of her eye, cared for her to the end but at one point she was really nasty with me, it was really hard but I know it wasn't her

If it is usual then she probably thinks that she is dying anyway so she doesn't have to do things just because its expected or worry about what people think anymore. She may have begrudged giving him money every other year but felt she had to because people would talk etc

I would stay out of it and I definitely wouldn't speak to your sister, if you want to give him some then do so but if you ask her she will feel she has to since you are and it would make her look bad (or that's how I would feel) she may decide to give him some herself, she may not

Aeroflotgirl · 25/12/2015 23:06

She is totally right, if he cannot be arsed with her, why shoukd he get a present from her.

woollytights · 26/12/2015 06:36

I probably wouldn't visit somebody abusive (especially with my child) and I wouldn't expect a gift from them either.

FishWithABicycle · 26/12/2015 07:30

SINBU - if she has sufficient marbles to be in control of her finances she has every right to only give to family members who show evidence of caring about her.

He has every right to stay away.

Jenijena · 26/12/2015 07:35

Whereas my grandfather was meticulously fair. Even to the point of giving the daughter who had gone nc with him her 'share' of his inheritance before dying.

Shame he didn't change his will so she got a third of what was left afterwards too. And disputed the will. And didn't attend the funeral.

I'm on team granny too, as long as the conversation is very clear on a 'this is a nice gift, but I'm not receiving it as a payment for visiting you'

SSargassoSea · 26/12/2015 07:38

She is quite right, I wish more oldies would reward the ones that do the caring. Instead they are usually 'fair' and give to all, ignoring the fact that some family couldn't give a monkey's, usually the men!

As described in your op, looking after cross, selfish elderly rellies is not always a cake walk.

As I understand it some of the grumpy behavior is due to the ageing brain rather than their true personality coming out. We might all be there at some point.

I would make a very determined point of thanking her profusely for the money (out of the hearing of DB) you don't want her lumping you in with him.

whattheactualfook · 26/12/2015 07:50

Maybe this will be the wake up call the lazy little shit needs. I'm with Granny on this one.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 26/12/2015 07:55

Is he genuinely not visiting because he's lazy or because he can handle her nastiness or seeing her that ill?

hesterton · 26/12/2015 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dipankrispaneven · 26/12/2015 08:10

Is the fact that DB can only get temporary jobs anything to do with his laziness?

EasterRobin · 26/12/2015 08:19

Her money; her choice. It would be better if she were discrete about it, so it was a gift to those who care rather than a snub to those who don't visit. It risks alienating non-recipients otherwise and then she will either be less likely to get their visits, or feel like visits are purely an attempt to get cash.

Ememem84 · 26/12/2015 08:28

Her money her choice. But once she has given it to you, your money your choice.

differentnameforthis · 26/12/2015 08:31

So she is perfectly able to decide who gets a gift this year, yet she isn't able to be polite & kind to the those who help take care of her & visit her?

quite verbally abusive I wouldn't want to be around someone who it verbally abusive, nor would I want my children around that person either (in fact, it is one reason I don't see my mother)

She is punishing him because he doesn't want to go & see her get abused, possibly in front of his child.

Is she always manipulative?

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 08:34

Bloody hell the poor woman has terminal cancer, of course she is ill, and her behaviour might be out of the norm, no I would not bring a child into that situation, but he is an adult and can bloody visit the poor woman before she passes away.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 08:37

What if granny had dementia or Alziemers, would you be quite so harsh on her people Hmm. Cancer is an illness and it effects people in different ways, op has not said what type of Cancer it is, if it is in the brain than yes it could affect the woman's behaviour. My dad died of Cancer when I was very young, I remember his behaviour changed a lot, he was moody and difficult towards the end. The woman is dying, too right if people don't bother to see her, why should she give them money, I would not accept money from a dying relative if I never bothered to see them!

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 08:39

Plus the poor woman may be in a hell of a lot of pain and discomfort, how would you know how you would be like if you were suffering and in pain. Dad was on morphine towards the end, but still in a lot of pain.

Hairyfairy01 · 26/12/2015 08:42

Sounds fair enough to me, I don't blame her.

GeoffreysGoat · 26/12/2015 09:09

Maybe she's grumpy from being in pain, or the indignity of not being able to do her own intimate care, and wants to recognise that in the only way she can? I'm guessing she can't get to the shops for a box of chocolates or bunch of flowers too easily, after all?

CallieTorres · 26/12/2015 09:12

Her money her choice. He could visit without his DC

If you feel that strongly about it give him your money..... ?

AyeAmarok · 26/12/2015 09:15

SINBU. Surprised you had to ask. He doesn't visit, even though his head plenty of time on his hands (he could leave the DC at home) but he/you should fund his holiday? Confused

SIBU to her carers though.

BigChocFrenzy · 26/12/2015 10:18

Many of us give no / smaller presents to those who don't bother about us.

He could visit without his DC and the OP herself says he's lazy.
DGM is not obliged to treat equally those who donate their time to visit her frequently and those who don't.
She is rewarding those who make the effort.

You can choose to donate your own money to your lazy DB, but it's not fair to ask your DSis to do the same. She might feel pressured / guilted.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 10:22

Exactly, op has said he is lazy, nothing about being scared or worried, if he was, he could go with op, who I presume granny knows better. But by the sounds of what op is saying, he cannot be bothered, so why should granny give him money, to somebody who does not care about her! She is not manipulative or abusive, she is a dying woman Hmm. When you are on your death bed, sometimes it causes you to reevalute things. Too right she does not give your adult brother anything for not bothering.

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