So apparently I am "hogging" the baby

[BooAvenue]

I have DS 7mo and DD5 and we are at MILs for Christmas.

MIL has just taken DH to one side and told him to ask me "not to hog the baby". I assume this is in reference to the fact I asked to have him back and took him upstairs quietly for a feed after she had held him virtually non stop since 8am. It's nice that she wants to be involved but she makes it into some sort of competition as to who can hang onto him the longest .

He's quite a fussy baby and when he starts grizzling I think he just wants a cuddle with his mum but I have to virtually wrestle him off her.

DH has already told her that I'm not "hogging the baby" I'm just being a mum in no uncertain terms but AIBU to ask him to tell her to back off?

Any tips for coping?

TheEagle it's a surprise your inlaws managed to bring up a child of their own. Presumably he turned out ok?

He's coming along nicely now mrstammy

I always let MIL hug and cuddle and play with the dcs the entire time we're visiting. It gives me chance to a much needed coffee.

I don't have a problem with her having a good cuddle, not at all, I'm pleased she clearly adores him. However when he's grizzling without sounding bigheaded I think it's me he wants to settle him and possibly a bf so I'd prefer it if she'd just pass him back to me so I can settle him.

She has also practically ignored DD all morning as she's spent the whole time holding DS. I'm sad for DD as this is her first Christmas with a sibling and unfortunately all she's learnt is she no longer gets granny's attention because granny is busy with DS

don't anticipate many mil/dil clashes though because I wouldn't behave like such a twat

Yeah... my 1st MIL was not a twat. But I was a twat to her back then. It was like on some level I had absorbed the idea there was SUPPOSED to be frictions, tensions and antagonising, implied slights. So I saw stuff that wasn't there, indulged in pre-emptive prickling and behaved like a rat bag. I wouldn't wish that version of me on any mother of a son.

In retrospect.. I can kind of see why she didn't warm to me.

Just gird your loins, cross your fingers and hope for somebody more mature than I was, who doesn't go around creating self fulfilling prophesies in a rather drama llama fashion.

I myself am just going to have sit and wait to see if nemesis comes to bite me on the arse as far as future MILdom is concerned.

NB this is not in any way a reflection of my thoughts on the OP's post. Just that I think feeling insulated against DIL/MIL clashes based on one's own reasonableness might be slightly over optimistic for some of the people, some of the time. You need two reasonable people to make that work. Which doesn't always happen.

MrsTammySwanson Absolutely agree. It's sad the amount of negativity spewed on MN regarding MILs.

My MIL is utterly besotted too. I try to grin and bear it as she sits and strokes them and insists on holding the baby as much as she can. But it can get a bit wearing when she sits next to me holding their hands while I do a quick nappy change or watches the baby while I breastfeed with a contented smile on her face. I don't say anything but it does make me feel claustrophobic. Mine are both boys and I do hope if I'm lucky enough to have grandkids I can give my DIL a little bit of space and allow her to enjoy them at Christmas too.

She has also practically ignored DD all morning as she's spent the whole time holding DS. I'm sad for DD as this is her first Christmas with a sibling and unfortunately all she's learnt is she no longer gets granny's attention because granny is busy with DS sad

this is uncalled for why do people only want the cute cuddle babies not the older siblings? that is unfair it teaches them to compete with the sib from an early age instead of being secure of being loved equally

i was quite lucky with number three he was a screamer with everyone including me but he would not scream as much with me and i was the only one who could settle him so grannies demands soon went away only to be introduced by whispers of are you sure he is right? (in the head they thought he had brain damage or something because he wanted his mom) to could you not visit right now it upset nan that she can't have a cuddle and she will be crying all night long we didn't see them for about a year after he was born

Atomik really respect the honesty in your post.

OP I'm sorry but I do think you are overreacting. Try and standing her shoes. Her behaviour doesn't sound bad and your GC are lucky to have an extended family who care for them. Spread the Christmas cheer/kindness....

My MIL is a wonderful woman, she's kind and caring and thoughtful. She'd do anything for her children and grandchildren.

I still don't like her shouting in my babies faces/commenting on how often they breastfeed/telling me I should lie the DTs down on the living room floor for a nap.

Oh and I have 3 boys and I'd hope that if I'm lucky enough to be a granny in the years to come that I'll be able to respect my DIL's space and parenting choices.

the only thing actually wrong with her behaviour is being fucking rude and telling someone to tell their wife to stop hogging there own child why can't she talk to her personally not use the husband as a messenger that really pisses me off (seriously projecting on that one just left a marriage where is was all mil thinks you don't like her mil thinks you don't trust her with the kids mil FUCKING HELL GROW A SPINE AND STOP WHINING TO OTHER PEOPLE) its not the hogging of the baby its the messages being passed along its childish ignoring the older sib childish insisting on having the baby constantly childish

kids are not toys to be played with fought over and passed around

She sounds annoying. He's your baby and he will want you, esp if you're breastfeeding.

Tell her to bugger off and get you a cuppa whilst you go for a nap with baby.

reading the OP it sounds like you only took baby back to feed him and she said something about you behind your back. Not nice and rather childish. But your DH handled this really well. I'd leave it there, he's dealt with it and he expressed your point of view, so let it go.
I do feel for your DD, though. If your DH does say anything else to MIL it might be along the lines of why don't you do something nice with DD while baby has a feed/nap?

just seen the baby is breastfed she needs her head checking if she thinks your unreasonable for feeding your baby

Your MIL is being an asshole. Simple.

You're not hogging him - you're taking him when he NEEDS you. Big difference.

Unless MIL would like to hold him while he howls for mummy?

I'm guessing she probably would

Of course you need to feed the baby, but how marvellous to have others willing to hold the baby. You can have your hands free for a while!

Do what's best for you and your baby. To hell with MIL.

The default option for a 7 month old should be with one of their parents IMO, with interludes being entertained by others. Telling a mother she is 'hogging' her baby is fucking stupid.

Well she did end up holding him all through Christmas lunch which was actually rather nice as it allowed DH and I to quaff some champers and have a little time to ourselves whilst DD played with our nieces, maybe I'll let her off

Well the DH in this case is pretty stupid. Any conversation that starts with ' ' My Mother says/ my wife says, to either party, is going to start WW3.
What was he thinking?
If my DH had said to me ' my Mother says ( insert ANYTHING here, even remotely innocuous) I would have felled him, metaphorically speaking.

The DH in this case started this and should be shot.

Because your baby is obviously a commodity that others have rights over, rather than a living baby with needs (such as the need to be fed). Therefore he should be shared as directed by your Mil with instructions about not hogging him. Best make sure you don't hog the telly or the potatoes while you're at it.

^this.

And I hate all those 'enjoy the break' comments..... Maybe OP doesn't want a break from her own baby! I've never wanted/needed a break from my gorgeous baby. How would the OP enjoy a 'break' exactly when her baby is fussing/crying for her and for a feed?!

X post! ......clearly OP didn't mind a break. But some mums do mind!

abso I do mind but unfortunately not much I can do without causing a major fuss and spoiling Christmas.

hole good point, perhaps I'll tell DH not to pass on any more horrid messages. We're one of those icky couples that tell eachother everything