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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family and Facebook

27 replies

parrotonmyshoulder · 24/12/2015 07:12

AiBU to want MIL and SIL not to put photos of my house and children on Facebook this Christmas?

I'm sure Facebook users will think I'm highly unreasonable! I don't use Facebook though because I tend to be a very private person and only like sharing things 1:1. (Yes, I know about privacy settings).

We have just moved house (a few days ago) and MIL seems to be permanently on the phone telling relatives every last detail of our house. It does sound like boasting.

SIL is arriving later. She documents every moment of her life on Facebook, so will be photographing the children and their presents etc, every room in the house, what she eats and drinks...

So, I hate all the Facebook thing and feel like it's an invasion of MY privacy when my pictures of my house and children are shared on Facebook.

However, I imagine I am being unreasonable (and DH thinks so) because:

It's only photos

They're just being nice and MIL is proud of her son and GC

I'm not on Facebook so don't even need to know what's posted or commented on.

This is just what people do.

However, it FEELS like I can't relax in my own home as everything I do, make, give, can be posted on facebook.

Wifi isn't working yet and MIL hasn't worked out 3G on her phone, but SIL will sort that out when she arrives!

Voices of reason to help me survive this please...

OP posts:

Champagneformyrealfriends · 24/12/2015 07:18

YANBU. I'd be really pissed off if someone put photos of me on FB without my approval, never mind photos of my children. By all means people can upload photographs of themselves but it's really inconsiderate to make photographs of other people and their DC the property of fb.

elvislives2012 · 24/12/2015 07:20

I think your house your rules. I'm on FB and if friends of mine don't want pictures of children/houses put up then I don't do it. Makes no difference to me. YANBU

Original poster

parrotonmyshoulder · 24/12/2015 07:22

I don't think I can tell them not to without a Christmas row/ bad atmosphere, so in the spirit of good hostessing, I know I'm going to have to put up with it.

Going to struggle anyway without my other BIL and SIL here as they bring lovely normality to the family.

OP posts:

Enjolrass · 24/12/2015 07:22

Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with asking people not to post photos of your kids on FB.

I don't mind it, but I know my dbro and sils accounts are private.

You would be unreasonable to say they can't take photos of themselves and put them on. Just say you don't want your kids or shots of your house on them.

I would be fine if someone asked me. But then I don't put loads of photos on anyway.

Just don't complain in a few years of there are photos of your kids cousins on mils Facebook but not yours.

My friend banned her kids from appearing in anyone's Facebook. But now her sil has kids and the mils feed has loads of photos of sil kids she feels put out. But it was her decision.

Narp · 24/12/2015 08:19

I ask people not to put me on FB, and because they respect me, they don't

Original poster

parrotonmyshoulder · 24/12/2015 08:23

There are issues of respect here, certainly!

OP posts:

PicaK · 24/12/2015 09:35

I'm a massive fb fan/user. But i'd completely respect your request.

Crabbitface · 24/12/2015 09:43

Unplug and hide your WiFi. If they can't upload photos instantly they might forget???? Maybe??? Clutching at straws!!!

TheSecondViola · 24/12/2015 09:48

Asking not to add any photos of you and yours, fine.
Asking not to add any photos of themselves in your house, unreasonable and bad hosting.

MrFMercury · 24/12/2015 09:54

I don't think the request is unreasonable at all. I am on FB a lot but it doesn't occur to me to photograph other people's houses or my meals when I visit and I always double check before posting pictures of others kids.
I don't get the urge to photograph absolutely everything. Last week a fairly large group of friends got together to swap secret Santa presents as usual and it was lovely to notice none of us took photos. We posted thank you in the FB event page we'd used to arrange it all but it felt really nice not to see it plastered all over Facebook.

thunderbird69 · 24/12/2015 10:01

YANBU

Taking photos - fine (although taking photos of every room in your house is really weird). But they should ask you if it is ok to put them on social media.

thelittleredhen · 24/12/2015 10:26

YANBU.

I had a conversation once with my friends after DS's birthday party one year when I'd posted photos of the children along the lines of "You've put picutures of DD on FB. DH doesn't like DD on FB, can you please take them off".

I just took down the photos rather than cropping them as I didn't want to crop their daughter out of photos as she was very much a part of the photos.

I don't think that you're asking anything unreasonable and you need to set the precedent NOW so they can't say in future years "well you let us last year".

coconutpie · 24/12/2015 10:54

YANBU. Your SIL sounds like a bit of a weirdo - why goes photographing every room in somebody else's house anyway?! Photos of your house on Facebook is an invasion of privacy. Children on Facebook is another matter entirely (I completely disagree with it as you don't know what freaks end up getting access to your DC's photos). Tell her that she cannot post pics of your house or DC on Facebook.

Original poster

parrotonmyshoulder · 25/12/2015 06:47

Well, pictures of our house and pile of children's presents have been posted. Just not what I do or want to do at all. DH didn't want me to tell them not to as they would sulk for days and of course they didn't ask.

OP posts:

DisappointedOne · 25/12/2015 09:46

So what? Tell them!

DisappointedOne · 25/12/2015 09:53

i completely disagree with it as you don't know what freaks end up getting access to your DC's photos

I had this argument with a leisure centre manager after asking to take a photo of DD (then around 2) with DH in the otherwise completely empty pool. (There was a sign stating no photography without permission, which to me implies it's possible to get permission, hence me asking.)

First it was to protect other customers - there were none and the pool was closing in 10 mins so there wouldn't be any. Then it was to protect DD - apparently if I uploaded them to social media anyone could get hold of them and do anything they liked to the photos. I pointed out that it was extremely unlikely, but if it did it wouldn't actually cause add any harm, because the image is separate to her. I suspect the real reason was because he'd left his second brain cell at home he didn't want anyone seeing thei pics, realise where they were taken and want to take photos themselves when the pool wasn't empty. Which I could understand. We finally agreed that I could take photos but they wouldn't go on social media, which seemed sensible.

2ndSopranosRule · 25/12/2015 10:07

YANBU.

My SIL once went somewhere with dn and posted a photo. SIL was wearing virtually nothing: low cut top; tiny skirt; knee-high boots. It was a petting farm fgs but let's move on. Her dp at the time made lots of disgusting, sexual comments, aimed at SIL, but it was a photo of my 2 year old with her aunt.

I defriended the pair of them and told them exactly why.

anotherbusymum14 · 25/12/2015 10:23

I think it's totally reasonable to live without everything going on Facebook. You are totally in the right to say "don't take photos please" or "only take photos but they are not to go on social media, thank you".
I am happy to say this. We all had lives before social media and there is no need to overuse it. I use social media myself but believe there are boundaries and I try and respect them - like ask permission of people and places. If in doubt I wouldn't post anything. I think people need to be taught more awareness about this. Hope you can work this out :)

DisappointedOne · 25/12/2015 10:26

It's not about awareness, it's just bad manners!

anotherbusymum14 · 25/12/2015 10:34

I hear you DisappontedOne but everyone sees things differently. So for someone they think it's perfectly ok to post everything whereas for me (and maybe you) I think it's rude.
They just don't see it as we do. I would agree too that some people do have bad manners or do this sort of thing to wind people up or something, but Im
just giving advice on the basis that some people really don't have a clue. And even if we tell them no (not to do something) as they are so used to doing their own thing (a "no one can tell me what to do attitude") they will just do it. Hard but true.

DisappointedOne · 25/12/2015 10:46

Oh, I agree. But I wouldn't hesitate to pull them up on it!

Original poster

parrotonmyshoulder · 25/12/2015 11:00

I just have to put up with it - so as not to cause a bad atmosphere!

General rudeness in every way - this is just one example of many!

OP posts:

profbadbride · 25/12/2015 12:52

You don't have to put up with it! Ask them nicely if they could please not put photos on Facebook. If they ignore you, report the photos to Facebook as violating your privacy using this handy form. FB will investigate, hopefully take them down and with any luck, warn your ILs about breaking the terms of use of their accounts. The possibility of having the FB suspended is likely the only thing that will deter them from their crass behaviour.

If they take offence, that's their outlook. You've been polite and assertive in making a perfectly reasonable request. Of course, there may temporarily be an "atmosphere", but I doubt it will last and your ILs will get the message that you won't tolerate any nonsense

SongBird16 · 25/12/2015 13:04

I'm hosting Christmas this year and I've already told everyone that they've got to leave all their technology at the door.

This means I don't have teenagers isolating themselves to Skype their friends, DBro obsessively checking his business pages, DSis taking millions of unflattering photos that end up on Facebook, everyone checking how many likes aforementioned photos have got on Facebook, DSil texting her new bf and thus upsetting her ex (also here, don't ask) and no pinging notifications interrupting the meal.

Everyone without exception has said its a great idea. It's one day, nobody is going to die from lack of access to social media.

I did it last time it was my turn and it worked well. You half expect everyone to sit around bored but they don't, they interact. Ask for their phones on arrival, ignore any initial protests and don't say it's got anything to do with FB photos.

ohtheholidays · 25/12/2015 23:16

I use FB but no YANBU,your house so it's your rules.I don't stick pictures of our house,Christmas presents ect on there,I don't mind what anyone else wants to do but it's just not something I do.

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